So Beautiful

Craig watches Ashley walk down the wedding aisle. One-shot.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Degrassi characters or anything from DTNG, although I wish I was that brilliant. Degrassi: The Next Generation belongs to Epitome Pictures. 'So Beautiful' belongs to Dashboard. I'm such an emo kid at heart. One of my first attempts at a one-shot. Be kind.

The invitation came on March 28. Nearly two months ago. I didn't even expect for her to invite me, but again she always surprises me. I guess she'll be back in town. Her own home town wedding. Again, what a shocker.

My name is Craig Manning and I always manage to fuck up. Please excuse my bluntness, although I am almost sure that if you had screwd up in high school as much as I did, then you would probably understand where I am coming from. I waited until the last minute to send back the response card. The satin white paper with the crystal white swirls just made me shiver, only thinking that I could have been Mr. Ashley Kerwin. And what I fucked up husband I would have been to her.

I filled out her happy little response card, writing my name as clear and visible as I could, but I always had shitty handwriting. Sometimes I couldn't even read my own lyrics to songs I wrote for her. She would have to help me read what I wrote. And she would always help me for as long as I could remember, until I fucked it all over.

We fought constantly and she was vicious but I still gave her credit. I'm glad she challenged me for forgiveness. I needed the wake up call. But the true wake up call wasn't that she sort of forgave me by the end of Grade 10. It happened when she left. I was lost for words and even Paige and Ellie didn't understand why she went to the states. Probably to get away from the screw up that I am.

"I heard that you were home again
But you don't look like you're back to me
With your focuses changing
Your gaze is transfixed on a point that I can't often see"

I woke up to a draft. My ceiling fan became a blur and I remembered what day it was. I got up out of bed and made my way to my bathroom. I still lived with Joey since I was too broke to afford my own home. Angela had grown up to be a beautiful teenager and I only hope that she will never be hurt like how I hurt Ashley.

I hopped into a cold shower and washed my shaggy head of hair. I wanted to impress all of her friends and especially her. I haven't see her for about six years now but I know she is the same Ashley. She's the same Ashley whose nose wrinkles when she laughs and who bites her bottom lip when she's nervous.

I made myself a cup of coffee to help keep myself awake. I didn't get much sleep last night since I was too busy dreaming of her, dreaming of how she is going to look standing there so beautiful, yet frowning on her own wedding day. She's always fucking frowning.

"You've got your new ties, I've got my old knots
You've got your inside line
But you're never happy with what you've got"

After my morning routine which includes my coffee and the usual shave, I pulled out my one and only suit that I kept hung at the far side of my closet. I draped it over my bed, which was the same bed where Ashley first told me that she loved me. I loved her too, but it was hard.

I got dressed and as I fastened my tie into place, I looked in the mirror and saw my sixteen year old reflection and behind me was Ashley sitting on my bed, waiting for me. I thought I was hallucinating and I turned around. She wasn't there. She was gone.

A couple of minutes after I got dressed, Spinner arrived in his Mini Van with his wife Paige at his side. He honked the horn a couple of times before I stumbled out onto my driveway and got into his car. Paige was six months pregnant and was beginning to show. They had what I always wanted to have. They were both so happy and any guy would kill for a girl like Paige. Maybe, any guy but I would only kill for a girl like Ashley. She was the one.

The funny thing about Ashley Kerwin is that she was always so beautiful, and she never realized it. That was her downfall. Even when she was filled with tears and she hadn't crack a smile for weeks, I could still picture her as perfect. As the most beautiful, and delicate human being I have ever laid my eyes on. She was too caught up in herself to realize that.

"Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
The no one else is quite as beautiful"

We arrived at Ashley's house thirty minutes before the ceremony was to begin. Few faces I recognized as I dragged myself to her backyard behind the ever so happy Paige and Spinner. Note to self, stop moping around with them. They quickly ran over to sit next to a stunning Terri, age did her well and Paige's other half Hazel. I looked around for Jimmy, but I guess he wasn't invited.

The backyard had a huge set up and a big floral design. There were cocktail waitresses walking around with drinks and there was a table with gourmet adores put up. No one was touching them, I guess, since they are for after the festivities but I was hungry. I walked over and took a potato puff. I received a few glares but I didn't really mind it. I sat down at a seat far away from the mini altar that was set up and enjoyed my potato puff.

After minutes of feeling lost and ever so alone, Toby came up to me and sat down. He asked me if I was okay and if I needed a drink. I declined the offer but told him everything looked beautiful and to tell Ashley that it was nice of her to invite and old friend. He left me and then I went to explore.

I used the excuse of having to go to the bathroom to go inside her house. It smelt the way it always used to when Ashley lived there, before she went to live with her dad, before she ran away from her problems. I don't know what brought myself to it, but I was climbing Ashley's stairs to her room. When I got to the top, the door to her parent's room was closed. This is how I remember it at least and then Toby's room was closed, but Ashley's door was wide open.

I don't know why but something was forcing me to go inside. I walked towards the doorway and stopped. I couldn't go in any further because it wasn't Ashley's room anymore. It was filled with brown moving boxes and a plain bed with a white comforter, something so not Ashley. The posters she had on her walls were faded or ripped down. And the smell of her wasn't there either.

I heard a door creak open and I saw a glimpse of Ashley. It was so fast, maybe ten seconds but I saw her. She looked good. Actually she looked amazing, so gorgeous. I recognized her of course but she definitely thinned out and she was so hot. She was twenty-two, beautiful, and about to get married. Where does that leave me?

Ellie shut the door so hard and so fast. I lost the site of my beautiful Ashley. Ellie noticed me standing there looking a little lost and she embraced me in a warm hug. Then she asked me to go down stairs. Stupid bitch.

I descended the stairs and noticed Sean Cameron laughing over something stupid with JT Yorke. And unlikely friendship. What I noticed most about people and about Ashley is that her smile is always the same, and always so fake. I don't think she will truly ever be happy. I broke her and she is marrying the next best thing.

"I heard that you were living well
But you don't look like you're living to me
Though the sparkle is gone, your smile is in place
So that everyone watching will see
You've got them all convinced"

Speaking of her husband, I haven't seen him around yet. It's not like I know who he is even, but his name is James. Atleast that is what Joey told me. I never really read over the invitation too closely. I haven't seen a lot of people who I thought Ashley would have invited. Jimmy isn't here which is odd since she invited me. Emma and Manny, bless them and thank god Ashley didn't invite them. I wouldn't want Manny too see me like this. So distressed and Emma is off saving the world in Africa.

There are a lot of people my age who I don't recognize and I guess they are the groom's friends or Ashley's friends from the States. They all seem so excited for Ashley where as I am probably the only one is being realistic about the situation. Ashley will marry this James guy and she will try to be happy, but it won't work since she can never be happy.

She will go to fancy dinner parties of her friends' showing him off and she will smile and pretend that she is having a good time, even when she is not since that is such an Ashley thing she would do.

"But I know so well that you could list your friends
But you can't count on them"

Kate Kerwin asked for everyone to head outside and take their seats. This truly was the cutest little backyard wedding that I have ever witnessed. Something that is so not Ashley's idea but still very Kate Kerwin. You could tell she put so much into this for her daughter and Ashley probably doesn't even care.

The wedding music began to play and Jimmy Brooks came down the aisle first. I didn't know what to think of this but later looking back on the wedding, I should have realized that it was Jimmy's. I mean his name is James and I do remember his parent's getting divorced so that would explain why he would have a different last name. I am such an idiot. If Jimmy and I would have still been friends, then maybe he would have told me he was seeing Ashley again and maybe he would have told me he was marrying her. But he's too good for that and for me.

I watched happiness go down the aisle. A bunch of Jimmy's basketball friends from college, I'm assuming, accompanied Ashley's friends. The only people I knew where Spinner, Ellie, and Toby. The rest could have easily been random people from the streets. I didn't really care who they were. I couldn't wait to see Ashley.

The song that always plays, I don't know what it's called but it began to play and I began to get a headache. She appeared in her strapless white gown that fell way past her high heels. She smiled and began to walk down the aisle with Robert Kerwin, her gay dad. Ashley always used to tell me she wanted to look the best on her wedding day and she did look her best, but I'm sure inside she was extremely nervous and not ready to marry anyone especially not Jimmy Brooks.

Everyone smiled and took pictures, but I just watched from nearly the back row as Ashley shook with fear. I was the only one who could see right through her perfectly white teethed smile. It's sick.

"Hold it now, you've got everyone convinced
That you're alright when no one else is quite as vulnerable"

After the vows were exchanged and Jimmy kissed his bride, everyone was congratulating both Jimmy and Ashley and Ashley genuinely did look happy, but I was pretty sure I could see right through that. I walked over to Ashley Starr. What a different name now for her and Jimmy. I went up to them and tried to be super friendly. As soon as Jimmy saw me walking over he walked away to go and talk to some other people, but Ashley stayed in place and waited for me to say something.

I actually didn't say anything at all. She disappeared into her house and I followed her only because it seemed like she wanted me to and I walked right past the bathroom downstairs. She pulled me in and locked the door. "I want you" is all that I remember her saying and the next thing I know we are kissing. A couple of minutes later she wiped her mouth, reapplied her lipstick, and thanked me for coming. I've never felt so used before in my entire life.

"As soon as you've got it you want something else
It's not the sale that you love, it's the sell
It's not the price that's gonna cost you
It's just the weight that's gonna bring you down"