Rating: R
Summary: It's just another HP parody, except with lots of hidden innuendos, sexual tension, and will possibly cause you to laugh out loud. Just so you know, this story does contain SLASH.
Warnings: Slash (later chapters, none now), lots of swearing, drugs, snogging.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no harm done, no money made. All characters are owned by the great JKR. Except, of course, for the sinsemilla. That is all mine and belongs to me and roughly half a billion other people on Earth…

A Boy and His Bird

Chapter 3. Harrys Long Hard Wand

"Muahahahaha!" Harry laughed evilly.

"Hahaha!" Draco Malfoy laughed seductively.

"Draco?" Harry said in confusion.

"Potter?" Draco said sensually.

"What exactly are you doing here?" Yoko Ono said scratching his head.

"I don't know, but I'm supposed to help you find this boy…" Draco said smirking seductively.

"And his bird." replied Yoko Ono.

"Yea, that too." Draco smiled passionately.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

"What are you doing up there?" Harry asked as he gazed upwards.

"He knows..." Draco provokingly frowned.

"Get off of the cabinet." Harry said, barely holding back laughter.

"Never." Draco suggestively replied.

"Oh come on!" Yoko Ono said rolling his eyed, "It was an accident and you know it!"

"I highly doubt that." Draco erotically replied as he scrunched up his nose in disgust.

"Draco, I'm sure he didn't mean to do whatever it was he did." Harry sighed, "Now please get down here. We have to finish our discussion about finding the... That guy... um... Oh you know, the real main character..."

"And-"

"Yea, we know Yoko, and his bird." Harry said interrupting Yoko Ono before he said "bird" for the fifth time.

"He meant it. I will not come down without an apology form him." Draco sensuously paused, "And..."

"And what?" Harry asked hesitantly.

"And only if I get a kiss."

"You'll only come down if you get a kiss?" Harry asked.

"I will only come down if he apologizes and if I get a kiss." Draco erotically said slowly.

"Ok, fine. Deal." Harry turned to Yoko Ono, "Well?"

"Hey, it's not my fault this little prat decided to be a drama queen all of a sudden!" Yoko Ono hissed as he pointed up at Draco.

Draco gave an undignified yet wanton snort of dissatisfaction.

"Ugh..." Harry dramatically slapped his forehead, "Will the two of you just please make up?"

"Fine." Yoko narrowed his eyes menacingly, "I apologize to you, even though you don't deserve it... (Draco hissed carnally at this from atop the cabinet) But I am sorry for accidentally grabbing your fine little arse... Is that OK with you?"

"It will do." Draco replied as he savoringly puffed out his chest, "And the kiss?"

"Well, you'll have to come down from the cabinet if you want that." Yoko Ono replied happily.

Draco seductively mimed throwing up, "Ugh! I don't want to snog you..."

"Then who do you want to snog?" Yoko Ono asked as he looked around the room apprehensively.

"Uh, Yoko, maybe he wants to snog me..." Harry said rolling his eyes, "I mean I am the only other piece of luscious teenage-"

"Aha, Mr. Potter an' Mr. Ma'foy- thar yo' both are. ah see yo' haf both met Mr. Yoko Ono." said Professor Snape as he entered the room, "Whuffo' wasn't yo' at mah class?"

"Erm... Class?" Harry asked quizzically, "Weren't we just at your class?"

"Not mah nuu class." Snape replied with a smirk.

"Ok then, what is your new class?" Harry asked as he gazed at Draco's arse as he seductively slid off of the cabinet and onto the floor.

"Mah nuu class." Sanpe said as he walked out of the room, "Is right out hyar."

"Um..." Yoko Ono said as he followed Snape into the empty hallway, "Where did you say your class was again?"

"Out hyar." said Snape as he rolled his eyes and gestured at the hallway.

"Right." said Harry sarcastically as he looked around, "Where are the materials? Where are the students?"

"Hold yer broomsticks fella!" Snape said holding his hands up in protest, "Wait jest a minute, an' yo'll see."

ONE MINUTE LATER

"I still don't," Draco yawned sensually, "see anything."

"He's right." said Harry, "I'm sick of waiting, let's leave."

And Harry started to walk away when there was a sudden creaking noise behind him. He turned around and gasped at what he saw: a section of the wall had opened up into what seemed like a massive doorway.

Sanpe laughed evilly and pointed at the opening, "See, whut did ah tell yo'?"

"You told us to wait one minute." Yoko Ono said with his arms crossed, "You never said to wait a minute and five seconds!"

"Oh shet up an' jest walk into th' dark doreway." Snape said rolling his eyes.

"You know, just because you're a teacher doesn't mean I'll walk into some unknown doorway." Harry said raising an eyebrow.

Snape merely rolled his eyes and walked into the darkness.

"I think we should follow him," said Yoko Ono, "He seems to be in charge."

"Hey, I thought I was in charge!" said Harry, green eyes wide with shock.

"Not when I'm around." Draco replied with a wanton grin.

"Hurry up you two," called Yoko Ono from the depths of the dark and very secret passage, "It's getting all dark and the door may close at any moment and-"

The wall/door suddenly closed up once again and Yoko Ono's voice was cut short. Harry and Draco looked at each other in shock.

"Well that was a bit odd." said Harry. In shock.

"Yes, defiantly." Draco sensually agreed. While also in shock.

"Should we um..." Harry looked around as if searching for an answer, "Go look for him...?" He said this while in a state of complete shock.

"Hmmm." Draco lasciviously said, "That might not be in our best interest." He said this while also completely in shock, of course.

"Oh really?" said Harry with a grin, "Is that because you want to... be alone with me? Have me all to yourself and all that?" His eyes were wide with... shock.

"Well..." Draco replied with a smutty grin, "That does sound appealing right now." He was utterly shocked.

Both of them nodded at each other, and walked away from the door. Filled with emotions they ignored where they were headed and walked until they felt the need to stop. Harry smiled and stuck out his hand. Draco slowly and suggestively glided toward him, and placed his own sexually frustrated hand in Harry's warm grip. Suddenly they were both thrown backwards as a large spark of electricity came from their touch. All the lights flickered, and the smell of singed flesh permeated the air.

Harry stared at his hands, "Oh my Merlin... what in the name of... um... Well what was that?" He wasn't in shock anymore.

"I...I don't know Harry." Draco said while unchastely looking at Potter quizzically, "I didn't know my hands could be sexually frustrated." He wasn't in shock anymore, either.

Harry suddenly jumped up with excitement, "You did it, you did it!"

Draco merely steamily raised an eyebrow, "Did what?"

Harry smiled, "You said my name silly."

"Oh." Draco said, sounding momentarily ruffled, and yet still lustful.

"You know what this means right?" Harry said and sat next to Draco, leaning his chin on the other boys shoulder.

Draco stimulatingly shook his head.

"We so have to have sex now."

"Huh?" Draco's spicy eyes were suddenly very wide, and very confused.

"Yeah, you say my real first name, I get all happy, we fuck." Harry said while nuzzling Draco's neck, "Simple as that."

Draco pushed Harry off of him. Harry looked confused for a second or two, but then got it that Draco was about to make an elaborate speech. Harry reached for a pillow that was over by the wall for some reason, and sat down on it so his bum wouldn't get too sore. Looks like this would be a long one.

Draco stood up, and libidinously acknowledged Harry with a nod of his head, "I'd like to address you as Harry from now on. Now of course, I understand that might not be so easy, seeing as we've been enemies and not to mention on last name status for quite some time. But really, I'd like to put that behind us, start a new beginning if you will.

"I've been watching you for quite some time now Harry, usually from across the potions classroom amid the colorful vapors from our peer's cauldrons. Always so unaware... Believe me, I like what I've seen. I like how that look you get in your face when Snape is scolding you: so stubborn and yet so innocent in some way... And I know you've watched me as well, but I wonder, why do you?

"I've been listening to you for quite some time now, as well. I like the way I can hear your voice amid a crowd of idiots, how it can silence a room with a sigh and cause every ear to turn to you... I like hearing your voice in my dreams, I like the way you say my name... I know you've been listening to me too. I've seen you pause at your thoughtless tasks in potions when I speak, I can see you hanging onto my every word...

"And Harry, well... I've been wanting you for-"

Draco's passionate speech was suddenly cut off by Yoko Ono, "Hey you guys, I'm back!"

Yoko Ono had barely a few seconds to think before Draco suddenly suggestively lunged at him. Yoko Ono emitted a faint squeak, and then Draco's fists found his face and he was quiet once more. Harry gasped as the scene unfolded, but still reacted with amazing speed as he pulled Draco off of Yoko Ono.

Harry pinned Draco's arms behind his sensual back, and looked at Yoko Ono, "Where'd you come all of a sudden? You gave Malfoy quite the... um fright."

"Oh no he didn't, all this little squib did was royally piss me off! He interrupted my extremely long speech, which was to be followed by many kisses and love-making... Now I fear I will never be able to utter those kinds of words ever again..." and with that Draco carnally wrenched himself from Harry's grip, and ran away.

"Um..." said Yoko Ono after Draco's erotically retreating form, "I guess I'm sorry..."

Yoko then glanced at Harry, and did a double-take. He was fuming. Literally.

"You're fucking right you're sorry," said Harry, smoke pouring from his ears, "You just interrupted his speech. Now I will never have sex with him."

"Well," Yoko gave a small laugh, "There's always tomorrow Harry." Yoko said this senselessly, and then reached towards Harry to give him a little reassuring pat on the back, but Harry was having none of it.

"Don't you dare touch me," Harry said while still literally fuming, "Or I'll dissect your eyes with a spoon, rip off your nipples to feed to a house elf, and ram my long hard wand up every hole in your body."

Yoko Ono's jaw dropped, and it took him a few moments to regain his composure, "What wand are we talking about here?"

"This one." Harry said, and pulled out his long hard wand.

"Eek!" Yoko squeaked.

"Eek is right." Harry said, and then put away his long hard wand, "Now let's find Draco."

"Um, Harry? I think we're forgetting something here."

"What?" Harry said, narrowing his eyes at Yoko Ono.

"We both have no clue where we are, as the author has failed to describe our surroundings, except in vague detail. We could basically be up Dumbledore's butt for all we know."

"You know what?" Harry hissed. He then pulled out his long hard wand and brandished it in Yoko Ono's face, "If don't help me find Draco I'll commence with the shoving this up every hole in your body."

"Well, since you put it that way..." Yoko said.

They then started off on their journey to find Draco, never mind the boy and his bird.

It was to be a grand journey, sure to last a thousand days or more, a journey through storms of fire, a journey through poisonous fields of frog spawn, a journey...

5 MINUTES LATER

Well... Ok, a journey sure to last five minutes.

"Look, I see him over yonder!" said Yoko as he ran towards a figure slumped against the wall.

"Draco?" Harry softly called as he approached, "Draco Malfoy?"

"Harry?" Draco stimulatingly said, as he looked up into the other boy's eyes, "Harry Potter?"

"Yes Draco, tis I." said Harry proudly.

Draco pornographically wrinkled his nose, "Potter, I hate you. Now let's make babies."

"Um... Sorry, to bust your bubble, but that may be a problem seeing as you both are guys and-" Yoko Ono started to say.

"SHUT IT!" Harry and Draco yelled at the same time.

The trio then decided it was far too late to really do anything, so they went to bed. The author wishes to appologize for the character's lack of libido right now, but wishes to say that all they really need is some time. That is all.

TBC...

Thanks to the people that have reviewed this story.

I hope I have kept you laughing, and until next time: slash on!