Author: Kat097 PM
I can't love anyone. I want to so much. But I can't. And in the end I'll be alone. I'm always alone. BBRavenRated: Fiction K+ - English - Angst - Words: 959 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 2 - Published: 09-03-04 - Status: Complete - id: 2042015
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Nope, nothing is mine.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I'm not supposed to love. I can't be like other people. I can't fall in love, have a happy ending. It's not what I do.
Because it's dangerous.
Well, I suppose love is dangerous. I once found some quotes about love in a book. I mostly skipped over them. I didn't care about those things. But I found one by a person called Anais Nin, which made me feel hollow inside.
The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.
Is that me?
It's not him. Not Beast Boy. He can love. He loved Terra.
And today he said he loved me.
No! This isn't supposed to be!
We were sitting outside the Tower when he started coming out with all these feelings about how he loved me, and he knew it was stupid because I didn't love him back…
But it's not true. I just had to run away.
I was trying to get rid of these feelings, damn it! But he feels the same way… no! Stop it!
What am I supposed to do? How can I possibly tell him that I love him too?
I can't. I don't have a choice. It's too dangerous. He'd only end up hurt.
I need to find him. To tell him once and for all that it can't happen.
He's on the roof, lying on his back and staring up at the sky. He sees me and leaps to his feet.
"Raven! I was so scared that… it doesn't matter."
"Beast Boy, you have to stop." He looks confused. His dark eyes search my face.
"You know what."
"Stop… stop loving you?"
He laughs. I love his laugh. So carefree, just how I would love to be. Then he sees my serious face.
"Raven… I can't stop loving you. I can't."
"You'll have to."
"What? Why are you saying this?"
"Because it's too dangerous." I tell him. He shrugs and takes my hand. I can't pull it away.
"I don't care. God, Raven, I love you."
"Stop it!" I cry. I try to pull my hand away but he won't let it go. His eyes widen.
"Of course I'm serious! This can't happen. Your feelings… they're not real."
"Yes, they are! I love you!" He insists. And he means it. I can see that in his eyes. Eyes that are starting to tear up.
"Raven, why? Really?"
"I told you. It's too dangerous."
"But… but I thought that maybe… maybe you love me too? I'm probably wrong, but it just felt like-"
It's hard to breathe. I want to take him and hold him in my arms, to kiss him and tell him that, yes I love him too. I want nothing more than to be with him for now and for always. A tear trickles down his cheek. I want so much to wipe it away.
He takes a deep breath.
"Raven, please. Tell me what's going on."
"I can't love you. It'd be too dangerous for everyone."
"I'm not talking about everyone." Beast Boy cries, "I'm talking about you. I'm talking about us."
I take my hand away from him and pull my hood up over my head.
"I have nothing more to say." I tell him. I turn to walk indoors but he says something that makes me turn back.
"Do you love me?"
I didn't expect him to just say it, so plainly. I don't move. I can't move. It's too hard. I shouldn't have to do this. But I know what I have to say. I know what I must do to make things certain. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to say. But I say it.
It tears me apart inside. His face stares at me for a moment and then the tears come. I want to cry but I mustn't. His face is creasing and he's shaking. It takes all of my self-restraint to not go to him. But I don't.
"Beast Boy, I don't love you." I say again. My voice cracks and I have to swallow hard. He is on his knees, head bowed, as if in silent prayer. But no prayer can save him now.
I fell light headed and sick. I turn and walk away. His sobs follow me and my eyes squeeze shut tightly to prevent the tears from falling. I go to my room and shut the door. In here I can let go. I can cry. It will only be my things that get broken, not anyone else's.
And my heart is breaking. I felt it when I saw his face after I said that one word which has destroyed him. Which destroyed me too.
And all I can do is sit here, alone, and cry.
So I do.
(A/N: Um… I don't know what that was but I feel like crying now. I'm sorry! I am 100% supportive of Beast Boy/Raven, but I just had to write this! I had planned a happy ending but it just didn't really work out… I feel so mean. Please review and please don't yell at me for not having them come together! I just think that this is what Raven would do in this situation. I'm not making things better here am I? Please just review.)