TITLE: Spreading the Word

AUTHOR: Mae

EMAIL ADDRESS:

DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere you like. Just ask first.

SPOILER WARNING: Not really, I don’t think.

DISCLAIMER: They aren’t mine. If they were, this sort of thing would have been a regular occurrence on the show.

RATING: PG-13

CLASSIFICATION: Humor

CONTENT/SUMMARY: Pizzazz gets saved and causes all sorts of trouble in the name of Jesus. Kimber/Stormer, Aja/Craig, mild Pizzazz/Clash, and as always, Pizzazz/herself.

OTHER: Thanks to Angie for betaing.

“Pizzazz is… excited about this, isn’t she?” Stormer asked mildly.

“The girl’s gone barking mad!” Jetta screamed.

“Completely,” Roxy was too stunned to disagree with the saxophonist on principle.

The three Misfits had just been subjected to the most unnerving experience of their lives. Pizzazz Gabor had attempted to convert them to Christianity.

“Well, at least she’s gone for now,” Stormer said.

“Only because she said she needed to go “spread the good news” to Clash,” Roxy said.

“Poor thing,” Stormer said.

Roxy laughed. “Hardly. Clash’d listen to anything if it meant Pizzazz was paying attention to her.”

The other Misfits nodded. This was a well-known fact.

“Do you think we ought to warn Eric?” Stormer asked half-heartedly.

“Of course not,” said Jetta, “What we ought to do is make sure we don’t miss it.”

“That’s more like it,” Roxy smirked.

With that, the three rushed from the room to catch the show, all three of them wearing identical evil grins.

Pizzazz strolled cheerfully towards Clash’s room, stopping just short of skipping, because even Born Again, there were some things a Misfit just didn’t do. She reached Clash’s door, rapped smartly on it, then barged right in anyway. She saw Clash quickly hide something under her desk, but decided it could wait. What she had come to say was far more important than pornographic fanzines.

As Roxy had predicted, Clash eagerly agreed to do whatever Pizzazz asked of her.

“Congratulations!” Pizzazz smiled self-righteously as they finished praying, “You are now my Sister in Christ!”

Clash grinned indulgently. “That’s so great! So… how do you feel about a bit of incest, then? It’s in the Bible, after all!” she added hopefully.

Pizzazz laughed. “Perhaps some other time, Sister. I’ve still got so much witnessing to do before the day is done! Eric’s next, and then I’m going over to share the Gospel with the Holograms.”

“You’re actually going to witness to the Holograms?” Clash was impressed. That must’ve been one hell of a TV minister to get such a change out of Pizzazz.

“Of course not. I’m afraid it’s too late for them,” she said with all of the false sadness she could muster, “but I feel it is my duty as a Christian woman to tell them of their fate.”

Clash nodded approvingly. It was nice to know that some things never changed after all.

A few minutes later found Eric sitting absolutely dumbfounded at his desk, Pizzazz’s spiel having rendered him speechless. Behind him, Stormer, Jetta and Roxy stood trying and failing to hold in their sadistic laughter.

Pizzazz wrapped up her sermon with, “And so you see, Eric, it’s a bit too late for you and you’re going to Hell anyway, but if you start living for Jesus now, they might just go easy on you.”

Eric floundered for a few moments before finally regaining his composure. “I shall definitely take that into consideration,” he said, mostly just to get her to leave.

When she had left, Eric spun around to face the other Misfits, who had stopped even trying to hold back their giggles. He knew better than to ask them why they didn’t give him a warning: he already knew the answer to that one.

Instead he asked, “How?” even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to this one.

“Michael W. Smith,” Jetta said, “Pizzazz saw one of his music videos on TV and saw how popular he was and apparently decided that she couldn’t let herself be outdone by some dork in a mullet.”

Eric sighed, “A Christian rockstar. Well, she’s already got the hair and makeup for it.”

Stormer shook her head. “I don’t know. She seemed really serious about it; she even asked me to write something about how great Jesus is. Maybe it’s not a publicity stunt. Maybe she really has become a believer.”

All four of them considered this possibility, then laughed.

An hour later, Pizzazz found herself being escorted out of the Starlight Mansion by two beefy security guards. This didn’t really bother her; she’d done her job and it certainly wasn’t her fault if the Holograms were too blind to see the Truth.

As Pizzazz was dragged off of the premises, the Holograms tried to make sense of what had just happened. They weren’t having much success; Jerrica’s face had already begun twitching.

Fortunately, Shana sensed the impending breakdown and sprung into action. She gently grabbed Jerrica’s arms and began guiding her out of the room, whispering soothing things all the while.

“It’s okay, Jerrica. Just you come along with me and we’ll go to our nice, bouncy room. We’ll even get you that pretty white jacket you like so much! That’s it, follow Shana now.”

With a faint whimper, Jerrica complied.

As Shana led Jerrica to her happy place, Aja, Kimber and Raya tried to calm the Starlight girls.

“Of course you’re not going to Hell, Pizzazz was just being mean,” Raya told a sobbing Ba Nee.

“Don’t worry, Ashley. Your existence doesn’t make God kill puppies. Pizzazz’s just a bi- er, a witch,” Aja said, patting the sniffling girl on the head.

“Yeah, a real bitch,” Kimber said distractedly.

“Kimber!” shouted Aja and Raya.

Kimber took no notice of them. “I uh, gotta go call someone,” she said, and fled the room.

Aja and Raya looked at each other and sighed.

“Well, on the bright side,” Raya said, “At least we’ll get a chance to see how well the new soundproofing in her room works.”

Aja nodded forlornly and went back to comforting the still-traumatized Starlight girls. Even if the soundproofing did work, she’d still probably have to go see Craig. Just to get a break from things, of course, and not in any way because Craig looked somewhat like Stormer. Nope, just to get a break.

While Aja was dealing with her denial, Kimber was in her room dialing up a number she knew by heart. She didn’t have to wait long for an answer.

“Hey, hon! …Yeah, she just left. What’s up with her? …Really? Wow. …No, no, I don’t think she did any lasting damage. Although, come to think of it, I am feeling a bit traumatized and in need of comfort myself. …You too? Well, I think I can help with that… I’ll be waiting for you. I love you, too. Bye,” and with that, she hung up the phone.

Kimber sighed happily and began rifling through a drawer in her desk. It was all-important that she had her edible massage oil at the ready, just in case Stormer felt in the mood for some therapeutic massage, purely for trauma-easing reasons, of course.

Stormer smiled at the phone still in her hand for a few moments before snapping back to reality. She didn’t have time to sit around dawdling. She had a very special friend sitting all alone and traumatized, and she couldn’t very well leave her like that.

She left the room and managed to sneak out of the Gabor mansion without being seen. It was sheer bad luck that Pizzazz arrived just as she was getting into her car.

“Where’re you off to?” Pizzazz asked her suspiciously.

“Oh, um, I’m off to uh, witness to Craig,” Stormer said nervously.

Pizzazz beamed at her. “Praise the Lord! Try not to stay out too late, though.”

Stormer nodded. “Of course not.”

Then, to Stormer’s utter surprise, Pizzazz hugged her. Not an ordinary hug, but a big, Christian bear hug.

“Bless you, Sister!” she said, and then released her.

“Now, it’s time for my evening Bible reading. I’ll see you in the morning,” Pizzazz said.

With that, she turned and walked into the mansion, leaving a very shell-shocked Stormer behind.

It took Stormer several minutes to break out of her Pizzazz-induced daze, but when she did she wasted no time in jumping into her car and peeling out.

Pizzazz settled back onto her bed, Bible in hand. She opened it up to the book of First Corinthians and began to read. After only a few minutes, her grip on the book tightened and her jaw began to clench. A few minutes later, the Bible flew across the room, shattering a valuable vase.

“God, what a loser. “Made for man” my fabulous little ass,” she said aloud to no one in particular, “Screw that.”

And that was that.

The End.