Author: CKthePhantomess PM
Alone, a man paints by himself, wondering about what could have been. Pegasus angst, featuring 'Easier to Run' by Linkin Park and 'Hello' by EvanescenceRated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 3 - Words: 9,762 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 10-02-04 - Published: 09-06-04 - id: 2047058
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Okay, it's time for Chapter Three! Here are the responses:
CPegasus: Good catch on Estella's name! Yes, her name did come from the 'Great Expectations' character. Originally, I was going to do a fanfic about a year ago where Estella was Cyndia's sister who basically ruined Pegasus's life by telling everyone that he murdered Cyndia, so I thought it would be appropriate to name her after Dickens' cold-hearted character. Aaaanyways, I never did that fanfic, but her name still stuck. And no, I haven't seen Wicked...yet. I'm going to go see it later this month, and my friend (who's seen it and loved it) has told me it's very good. I got the song from a drama program I participated in over the summer. We had to sing the song, and I really liked it, and though it would be good for the story. But now I'm just babbling.
Myostismon13: Thank you for putting me in your C2 community, and for your kind comments! (I really love the name of your C2 ) I was checking it out the other day and was pleased to see I'm in the company of such good authors. Yayzees !
BTW, this IS the last chapter of the story. I may write another Pegasus fic soon after this one, and if I do, will you guys read it? Please? It would mean so much to me.
Okay, time for the fic!
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh, the song 'Memory', 'Thanatopsis' by William Cullen Bryant, "Passing By", "The Great Gatsby", or any of William Shakespeare's poems.
"There is a lady sweet and kind,
Was never face so pleased my mind,
I did but see her passing by,
And yet I love her till I die.
Her gesture, motions, and her smiles,
Her wit, her voice, my heart beguiles,
Beguiles my heart, I know not why,
And yet I love her till I die..."
-"Passing By", anonymous author
"I lived like a young rajah...trying to forget something very sad that happened to me long ago."
"...Then came the war, old sport. It was a great relief and I tried very hard to die."
-"The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Was that her? Had he.........had he heard Cyndia's voice? Was she trying to speak to him?
No.......no, he had to be mistaken. It had just been so long since he'd been able to remember her voice.....he must have thought it was actually her.
That was it.........he was just confused, that was all. He HAD just taken a blow to the head.
Not a sound from the pavement..."
......were the doctors playing music? He knew that they did when they performed surgery, but he didn't think that they played it in the emergency room. He didn't mind, though....the song sounded very nice......whoever sang it had a lovely voice.
"Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone"
......Pegasus had loved to paint, but it was Cyndia who had loved music. She had a beautiful soprano voice, and was always practicing one song or the other. She wanted to be a classical singer once she finished school, and had music books strewn around her room since she was very small.
Even to her last days, she had loved music. She would listen to the works of composers long dead, making sure to memorize every note in her heart. Chopin had been her favorite. But Mozart also had a special place in her heart. He had died young, too.
"In the lamplight,
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind
Begins to moan"
Even as her body deteriorated under the stress of disease, her voice had remained intact. She would still sing beautiful arias the same as always. Until the day she died, it remained one of her joys in life, just being able to sing. It was her way of escaping. When she sang, she wasn't dying in a hospital. Instead, she was some completely different person, singing about a different life where everything wasn't so bad.
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then"
The music that the doctors were playing was becoming clearer now. It really was very pretty. Cyndia would have appreciated it. He wasn't sure if he'd ever heard it before, but he liked the tune.
The doctors seemed to be panicking. Had something gone wrong? Or was Pegasus simply beyond all help? Either way, it didn't matter to Pegasus. He just wanted to die and get it over with. He was sick to death of this world, and he just wanted to get out of it as quickly as he could. He was just so sick and tired of it all........
The time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory
He remembered the one other time that he tried to kill himself, although the memory was somewhat blurry. He remembered feeling very, very numb. When he had fallen to the ground with the noose still around his neck, he remembered lying there, not moving. He vaguely remembered hearing his parents' footsteps, and a feminine sounding gasp. His mother had pulled him into her arms, sobbing, screaming. "Why, why, why did you do this???" Mr. Crawford seemed to go into shock as he stared past his son and his wife to the noose around Pegasus's neck, and the long, thin rod that it had hung from.
That night, Pegasus' parents both slept in Pegasus's room, right next to the door so that they would know if he tried to leave. Pegasus distinctly remembered waking up the next morning to see the rod, the one that had held the noose, had been removed in the middle of the night. Later that day, he saw its twisted, mangled form lying in the trash.
"Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning"
Pegasus thought of the cruel, sick irony of it all. Back then, the minute he had tried to kill himself, people who truly cared about him had stopped him, and they had prevented him from trying to do it again. Now, no one cared. No one had even noticed he was gone for several hours. No one was going to miss him. And to be honest, he didn't care.
It was the middle of the night by now. All of the doctors and nurses must have been on the nightshift. Too bad that they had to deal with all of this in the middle of the night. They should just take him off life support, it's what he wanted anyway. It's not like he wasn't going to do the exact same thing again if he lived. It's not like he really wanted to live in the first place.
And a street lamp gutters
And soon, it will be morning"
Pegasus remembered visiting Cyndia's family the day before the funeral. Everyone's eyes were red from crying, and no one said much. Pegasus had tried to avoid everyone in the days after Cyndia died. He didn't want to face them, didn't want to talk to them, because of the mournful, comforting tone their voices always took. It always reminded him that she had died when all he desperately wanted to do was forget. But then his parents had taken him to see Cyndia's family, and it all came flooding back. And it hurt. It hurt more than anything else he had ever felt.
Pegasus had found his way to Cyndia's room. When he reached it, he held her pillow to his face and cried. He just wanted to absorb her scent, her essence, and then maybe it would be like she was still there. But it wasn't, it just wasn't the same. Nothing would ever be the same, would it?
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in"
Pegasus had cried into her pillow, kneeling on the floor, for several minutes. When he finally composed himself, he had looked through her room. It was almost like a memorial to her, in a sense. Cyndia's family hadn't touched anything in the room, so it looked just like it did before Cyndia went to the hospital to receive therapy. Pegasus half-believed that Cyndia's ghost was there, sitting on the edge of her bed, watching him. But he would always look around and see nothing.
On her desk were papers and books, sorted into somewhat organized piles. Pegasus smiled a little. Cyndia had always been a clutter-bug, never throwing anything away. Pegasus sifted through the papers, and came up with a tiny book with Cyndia's name embroidered on it.
"When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new life will begin"
When Pegasus peered into the book, it appeared to be Cyndia's diary. She hadn't had it very long, it seemed, only a few months. Unable to help himself, Pegasus read one of the entries, wondering what she had written about in the time before she had died.
"The doctors finally got the test results back. They say I'm going to die. Mom and Dad are so worried, but I have to keep telling them that I'm alright, that I'm not scared. But I'm not a good liar. I'm scared to die. I don't want to die. I'm only sixteen. Mom and Dad don't know about the drugs yet. They think it's Pegasus's fault, but I can't tell them that they're wrong. I can't. I thought when I found out about the AIDS, that would make me stop needing them. All today, I tried to go without them. But here I am, writing this, and I'm snorting crack. I think I must be addicted now.
Pegasus came by when he found out. He tried to make me feel better, but I know that he's scared. I'm going to miss him the most when I'm gone. I know that he knows what Mom and Dad are saying about him, but he pretends that it's no big deal. My heart hurts whenever I think about it. He's taking the blame for something that's my own fault. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared. I don't want everyone to hate me. I know they're going to be so upset if they find out....."
"Burnt out ends
Of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning"
Pegasus would have read more were it not for the loud commotion from where everyone else was gathered. When he arrived, he found a hysterical Estella sobbing while kneeling on the ground, holding her hands on her ears and screaming. Whenever anyone tried to approach her, she would strike at them with her arms, screaming louder than ever.
Cyndia's mother tried to comfort her, desperately trying to end Estella's tantrum. "Estella, listen to me! Cyndia is dead. There's nothing any of us can do about it."
Estella, still sobbing, screamed, "No, she's not!!! You're lying, you're all lying, she's not dead, she's not!"
"SHE'S NOT DEAD!!!"
When her mother wrapped her arms around the hysterical girl, Estella struggled for only a few seconds, then gave up. She continued to sob, crying, "She's not dead, she's not, she's not...."
"The street lamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning"
Pegasus could still remember Estella's wails, even now. In that moment, she had basically shown what they all had been feeling: denial. Even years later, no one wanted to mention Cyndia's name. Pegasus was sure that, if he returned to her house, her room would be the same way he had left it that one afternoon. Cyndia's ghost haunted them all.
As Pegasus lay there, the hospital room seemed to melt away, and the singing grew louder. As the hospital walls vanished, he saw a familiar form standing in front of him, singing softly...
Pegasus recognized her immediately, but was afraid that it was just a dream. Cyndia? Is that you?
Cyndia nodded, smiling. Everything had changed now. They were both teenagers again, still in love, and their world was still intact. Nothing had changed. Still, smiling, Cyndia continued to sing.
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun"
She held out her hand to him, and Pegasus took it into his own. He was seventeen again, and they were going to get married now. Cyndia was dressed in white, and he had the ring....
The two of them walked away, hand in hand, never looking back. They had never left each other....and they were going to stay together forever.
"If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
Look a new day has begun"
As the sun rose, one of the night-shift nurses swore that she heard laughter coming from one of the emergency rooms. But when she peered inside each one, no one laughed. Instead, she found the body of one Pegasus J. Crawford, dead at the age of 28.
The newspapers stated that Pegasus had died from hypothermia and blood loss, coming from a blow to the head, and from not being discovered for several hours as he was exposed to a drop in temperature during the night. At his funeral, few people showed up. But it didn't matter. He didn't care. He was happy where he was.
"No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Then you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I have fled
From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell"
-William Shakespeare's 'Sonnet 71'
"Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,
Scourged to his dungeon, but sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams."
-'Thanatopsis' by William Cullen Bryant