Title: The Love Life of Xander: A Diddy

Spoilers: None, unless you've never watched this show before

Rating: PG...just in case someone out there doesn't like the word Horny.

Disclaimer: I do not own Xander...or any of the other characters, premises, or plotpoints described therein. Xander and Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned solely by Joss Whedon and the WB. No frogs were injured in the writing of this parody.

Written: 2.9.01

Distribution: Ask, and ye shall receive :)

Author's note: remember, it's all in good fun :) I actually love this show :)







Well, let me tell ya a story 'bout Idiot Jed,
a guy named Xander, it's amazing he's not dead.
Got a crush on the slayer; but never had a chance,
his second crush was on a giant praying mantis...
substitute teacher, that is.
Big Bug. Wanted kids.

Well the next thing ya know, Xander's had a scare,
Buffy said "Xander, get away from there!
Willow is the one that you should want to see..."
but Xander still thought that Buff was heavenly.
her bod, that is.
Duchess of Buffonia.

Moving right along, to a museum field trip,
Xander meets a princess, and thinks she's really hip.
Till one day when they went to a party
and he found out she was an evil mummy...
Inca girl, that is.
Face sucker…kissy kissy.

Well the next thing ya know, Buffy's killed her too..
Xander got depressed, and said "What'll I do?
Everything's evil, that takes a look at me..."
So he shrugged his shoulders and went back to liking Buffy...
Summers, that is.
Blonde chick. Whiny girl.

Things speeded up, Buff and Angel got hot..
Xander stood around and got beat up a lot.
Then one day while expressing their old hate...
Xander took Cordelia and practically ate...
her face off, that is.
Tongue...everywhere.


(what did you think i was going to say? Shame on you!)


Well the next thing ya know, there were maggots everywhere.
Cordelia shrill-ly screamed for them to get outta there.
they tricked the bugman into super-glue,
and they stomped him up good with their gym shoes...
smashed, that is.
Yeah, ya big cootie!

Well things heated up with Cordy, and Xander was cool...
till he started liking Willow and he turned into a tool.
Cordy caught 'em cheating and they didn't know what to do...
when Cordy fell through some stairs and got run through...
ouch, that is.
impalement sucks.

Well Xander didn't let the door hit him in the rear
when Cordelia said "Xander get away from here!"
Fairly soon after, without even a date,
he saved the school from dead guys, and slept with faith.
Skank, that is.
Horny Slayer.

The next thing ya know, Faith had enough of him.
Xander got depressed, thinking he would never win.
Then one day, Cordelia made a wish,
and appearing to grant it was a demon-y dish.
Anya, that is.
Vengeance demon. Strangely literal.

Well Anya lost her powers, and now she's grounded there,
and you'd think Xander'd learned that he should beware.
Despite his record with women not from humanity
he decided Anya truly was his cup of tea...
Xander, that is..
Glutton for Punishment.