“Kitchen Survivor”

Chapter #1: “Back Again”

Author’s Note: Welcome to “Kitchen Survivor”, sequel to “Bathroom Survivor”.

In this fic, the Yu-Gi-Oh people play survivor in a kitchen. But... it’s never that simple, as we all know. :D You can look forward to: epic food battles, raging hormones, wild schemes, insane tasks, Evil!Tea, Bakura’s bogus cooking hints, Marik kicking things up a few notches... and ever so much more.

Fasten your seatbelts...

Warning/Rating: (PG 13) Due to cursing and slash. (The slash is mild--you will not be offended. Trust me.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. I do not make money doing this. I am only a sad, sad fangirl.

I love you all!!

Let’s begin.

“Ok... ok... nobody say it.”

“Say what!?”

“It, you know what I mean!!”

“Say ‘it’!?”

“Huh?”

“Well... here we are again.”

“Augh!! You said it!!”

“Shut up, just shut up, ok!?”

Joey patted Seto’s arm. “Hey... hey... No need to get all worked up, man—“

“Do not touch me.”

Joey shrugged. “Just tryin’ to be friendly...”

“This isn’t funny, guys...” Tea whined.

“Nobody said it was...” Tristan muttered.

“Shit!!” Joey groaned.

“Language, Wheeler.”

“I wasn’t talking to you, Kaiba--!!”

Serenity blinked tearfully. “J-Joey...”

Marik was glaring at everybody in turn. “Great, just great. More of my precious time wasted with you fools.”

“We love you too, Marik...”

Morgan appeared out of nowhere. “Hey guys, what’s up!?”

Seto twitched violently.

Joey frowned. “Uhh... and who are you?”

Morgan giggled. “I’m your host, MORGAN!! Remember me?”

Seto made a small noise.

Morgan turned on him. She grinned. “Hiiii, Seto!!”

Seto ignored her.

She waved. “Hiiiiii!!”

Seto sweatdropped.

“How was your summerrrrrrrr!?”

Seto twitched again.

Yami frowned. “Leave him alone.”

“Hey, are you gonna tell us why the hell we’re here!?” Tristan growled.

“Oh... urm. Well...” Morgan shuffled her feet. “If you MUST know...”

“Oh, we must...” Marik snarled.

Morgan giggled. “My burning desire for Seto could not be denied...”

“Shut the HELL up—“

“And I was compelled to write a sequel to the monstrosity known as “Bathroom Survivor”.”

Serenity sniffled. “But I-I wanna go home...”

Morgan cackled. “Ahh, you cannot!! Yeah, so same rules apply. You’re trapped in here, you must pass a series of challenging tasks to achieve glory and remain in the Kitchen...blah de blah de blah.”

“...”

“And as last time, you will receive fabulous prizes if you do manage to OUTWIT!! OUTPLAY!! OUTLAST!!”

Seto twitched.

Marik eyed Morgan. “Ok, honey... you need to take it down a couple of notches. Indoor voice, ok? INDOOR...”

Morgan frowned. “Only Seto is allowed to call me ‘honey’.”

Seto sneered. “Hah. In your dreams.”

“Yeah.”

Seto glowered.

“Sooo...” Morgan giggled. “I thought it would be kind of cool to kick things off with a COOKOFF!!”

There was a moment of silence.

“Boo... you suck!!” Tea shouted.

Everyone stared.

“T-Tea...?” Yugi faltered.

Tea patted him on the head and laughed. “Heh heh heh... I’m so glad we’re friends, YugiWe’re all friends, right!?” She grinned at everybody. “Heh heh... We’re all friends here!!”

Everybody sweatdropped.

Serenity reached for Joey’s hand.

“FRIENDSHIP!!” Tea shouted.

Everyone jumped.

“Damn that ho...” Seto muttered, massaging his temples.

“Language...!!” Joey growled.

“Big brother, what’s a ‘ho’?” Serenity asked innocently.

“Fuck you, Kaiba!!”

“What...!?” Yami grinned.

“Wheeler—“

Morgan rolled her eyes. “People... people...”

Ryou addressed Morgan. “Say, Morgan...”

“Yes?”

“Bakura and I were talking it over...” Ryou nodded at Bakura. “And we’ve decided we don’t like you.”

“...”

Seto muffled a laugh.

“Well...” Morgan glowered at Ryou. “Uhh...”

“Friendship... Friendship...” Tea chanted. “We are in the kitchen... of friendship.”

“Won’t someone shut her up!?” Seto groaned.

“Guys...” Morgan cajoled. “C/mon... let’s just do this...”

“And why the hell are we in a kitchen anyway!?” Marik sneered.

“Would you rather it be in a garage!?’

“Yes...”

“Shut up, Yugi... You don’t have to like everything.”

“FRIENDSHIP!!”

“SHUT—THE—HELL—UP!!”

“Big brother—?“

“KAIBAAAAA!!” Joey roared.

Morgan sighed. “Ok, you have two hours to make a decent dish. I’m going out now. Like I said before, I hate when some random girl hangs around acting all cute and hitting on people.”

“You’re not cute—“

“Thanks a bunch, Marik.” Morgan left.

Time passes...

“So we’re in a Kitchen, huh?” Joey scratched his head.

“Joey—“

“How dumb ARE you!?” Kaiba snarled.

“Woah... easy there, easy—“

Ryou wandered over to the fridge.

“Uh... what are you doing?”

He shrugged. “Hungry.”

“What’s in there anyway?” Everyone gathered round.

Ryou began piling food on the counter. “Uhh... jelly... pickles...mayonnaise...horse radish...ooh... whatever this is, it smells bad. Heh... And we’ve got some fish... I donno what kind... um... Eggs... lettuce... carrots... some sort of meat...”

“And what are we supposed to be doing?”

“Joey...” Tristan rolled his eyes. “Get with the program, buddy.”

Kaiba sneered. “Don’t you ever pay attention!?”

Ryou helped himself to a pickle.

Joey grabbed the pork roast. “Shut up, Kaiba!! Yeah, I know!! We gotta make a dish, right!?”

Marik applauded sarcastically.

Joey began rummaging around in the cabinets. “Measuring spoons... baking soda...”

“Woah... Since when can you cook!?”

“Since the beginning of time, dammit!! I have skills!!” Joey glared at everybody.

“Easy, man...” Tristan patted Joey’s back. “Of course you can cook.” Tristan winked at Serenity. “He’s gotta be able to cook meals for his fine, fine sister, right!?”

“...”

“Moving on, then...”

Tea grabbed the jelly. “I will be making... FRIENDSHIP COOKIES!!”

Everybody shuddered.

She got out some pans and bowls and began throwing random things together. “By the way... my secret ingredient... is LOVE!!”

“I’m going to be sick...” Marik mumbled.

“Damn that ho...” Seto growled.

Serenity giggled. “I’m making chicken pot pie.”

Tristan nodded appreciatively. “You go, babe.”

Yugi was looking tearful. “Y-you guys!! I-I can’t cook!!”

Joey put a hand on his shoulder. “Relax, bro... you’re the King of Games!! And this is kind if a game, right?”

Yugi sniffled. “But—“

Joey got all dramatic. “No ‘buts’ about it!! Just go out there and DO IT, man!!”

Seto snorted. “From the sound of things Wheeler, you seem very confident.”

Joey threw his meat into a bowl. “Yeah, well... cooking is easy. I’m pretty good at it, too.”

Seto examined his nails. “Don’t flatter yourself. Any moron could cook.”

Joey glared at Kaiba. Then he turned back to his roast and began pounding the crap out of it. “Bowl headed—rrgh—sadistic—rrgh!! Idiot--!! Who the hell does he think he is!? Rrgh!! Damn him!! I’ll teach him!! Damn it!!”

Tristan wandered over to the freezer, popped it open, and began rummaging around. “Ooh... aaaanddd... YES!! I’m saved!!” He pulled out a TV dinner and held it up to the sky. “Woo hoo!!”

Meanwhile, Yami was throwing honey and dates together in a bowl. “This,” he announced. “Is my authentic Egyptian feast.”

Yugi was still sniffling. “Yami, I still don’t know what to make!!”

Yami shrugged. “Make whatever you like best.”

“But I don’t know how to cook a hamburger!! Grandpa won’t let me use the stove!!”

“Fine. The second best thing.”

Yugi tearfully got out the peanut butter and jelly.

A bad odor filled the kitchen.

“Yo, Tea!! You better check your “Friendship Cookies”!!” Joey hollered. He was marinating his roast.

Bakura was playing with the oven. “Fire... heh.”

Serenity dropped the chicken on the floor.

Tea danced to the oven and pried it open. Clouds of acrid black smoke poured out.

Seto gagged. “Damn you, woman!!”

Tristan ambled over to the microwave and shoved in the Microwave Dinner. Then he turned to Serenity in what he thought was a very suave manner. “Hey, what’s up, Serenity?” He winked at her. Chicks dig a man that can cook.

Serenity dropped the chicken again.

“Heyyy...” Joey scowled. “Leave her alone.”

Yami was stirring his dates and honey mixture vigorously. He nodded at Seto, who was scowling at everyone. “Hello, Seto.”

Seto twitched. “Don’t talk to me.”

Yami sighed and turned back to his dish.

Ryou was peeling potatoes by the sink.

Bakura inspected the garbage disposal. Apparently it bored him, because he turned back to the oven.

Tea was scraping her charred and twisted cookies off the sheets. “Fuck...” she muttered.

Joey raised an eyebrow. “What was that, Tea?”

“F...friendship...”

“Yo, Tea!” Tristan grinned. “What died?” He coughed loudly. “Whoo boy...”

Serenity dumped her chicken in the oven.

Joey sang as he cooked. “I want to CHANGE the world!! Ka-ze wo kaken-u-kete...”

Seto stomped around and acted superior.

Marik was inspecting everything in the fridge. He sniffed cautiously at a piece of cheese... then gagged. “W-what is this...!!” A spasm passed over his face. He held the cheese aloft. “DEVILRY!!”

Joey snorted. “What, dude, are you lactose intolerant or something!?”

Marik twitched horribly. “EVIL!!”

There was a moment of silence.

“...”

Yugi sniffed. “Uhh... guys? Do... do you smell something?”

Joey gagged. “Yeah, Tea’s godawful cookies...”

Tea smacked Joey.

Tristan sniggered.

“No...” Yugi said slowly. “I think something’s burning. And um, it’s not food.”

There was another moment of silence.

Then Seto screamed. “F-FIRE!! I’M ON FIRE!!”

Bakura sniggered. “Sorry.”

Seto tore off his coat, threw it to the ground, and stomped on it. “Damned fool—I’ll get you—!! Mmft—get you back—damn!! You’ll—you’ll all pay—mmft!! Dammit!! Fuck—“

Joey yawned. “Hey, it’s not like you don’t have any more of those stupid coats...”

“That’s not the point,” Seto snapped. “And they’re not stupid—“

Tea held up a ‘cookie’. “Hey hey!! Anybody want to try?”

The room fell silent—nobody moved. Seto stopped stomping on his charred jacket.

“C’monnn...” Tea smiled. “They’re friendship cookies!!”

Everybody winced.

“Anybody want to be a friend and try one!?”

Yugi made a small frightened noise.

Tea pounced. “Yugi...”

Yugi began to sweatdrop. “Um, yes?”

Tea advanced on him. “Be a friend and try a cookie...”

“N-no thanks—“

Just then, the smoke alarm went off.

“THE CHICKEN!!” Serenity cried, and she raced to the oven.

“Hey, you stepped in my potato salad!!” Ryou shouted.

Serenity flung open the oven door, but it was too late. The chicken was...

“Burnt.” She began to cry.

“For the love of god—“Seto moaned. These damned fools...

Bakura was busy consoling Ryou. “And—and she stepped—in my p-potato saladddddd...”

“There, there... you let it all out, honey.”

BOOM!!

Everybody jumped.

“What the fuck was that!?” Joey cried.

“Hey, hey--!! Language, buddy.”

“It sounds like it came from—“

“The microwave?”

Tristan sprinted over and popped the door open. “Damn...” he breathed. The entire inside was splattered with carrots, peas, mashed potatoes, gravy, and some sort of meat.

Joey patted Tristan on the back. “Hey hey, no worries, man. Easy come, easy go.”

Tristan sat down next to Serenity. “Hold me.”

Joey kicked him.

Seto laughed. “Fools.”

And despite the commotion, Marik was still staring at the cheese.

Joey turned on Seto, realizing something. “Hey Seto!! Where’s your dish, eh!?”

Seto froze.

“I see you making fun of everybody else, but where’s your food, huh!?”

“Yeah, Mr. Hotshot!!”

“Where’s your stuff!?”

Seto sweatdropped. “Urm...”

Yami frowned. “The boy was on fire, Joey... cut him some slack.”

“Yes, Wheeler...” Seto growled. “Did you not notice that!?”

Joey shrugged. “Yeah, yeah... But still... you could have started something.”

Seto glared.

Joey’s face broke into a huge smile. “Ohh... I get it.” He laughed softly. “Set-ooo can’t co-oookkkkk...”

Seto started to say something, but was interrupted by Morgan.

“Oh... my... god... What HAPPENED!?”

Note: I’m sorry if that chapter sucked, another is on its way. First chapters always suck, ne? Stay tuned, and please review me!!

It will get better... :D