I thank Tolkien for letting me borrow his characters, and whoever else for other things I mention. I don't thank Señora Saraceno for boring me with her too-easy Spanish class, which led to this stupid fic. Some things in here are in Spanish as a result of that, but I've provided translations at the bottom. I didn't use a translator, so correct any mistakes you find!

Warning: This is very OoC, random, and downright weird. It goes from randomness to random fluff, so don't lose interest right away.

Flames are welcome.

"Faramir, my raisins are gay," Éowyn whined. "I wish that they could marry and live happily ever after like a digested lightbulb container, but the government says nay."

Faramir glanced at the raisins in rainbow-coloured shirts lying on the coffee table. Maximillian and Chester were holding hands and giving pleading looks to Éowyn, everyone's favourite airplane loaf. "There is naught that we can do. It is in their DNA, and I cannot force Queen Elessar to make an exception for Max and Ches. Suck it up and deal with it, you sweaty lawn mower."

She smacked him across his womanly face. "How dare you deny my wishes and hate my raisins!"

"I-I-I'm sorry!" Faramir stammered. "I'm just a college student searching for bottles of Long Island fart sauce deep under the Arctic Ocean."

"Thank you for apologising, Mercedes," Éowyn said, wrapping her apelike arm around her husband's curvy waist. He always worked out at Curves, that fitness club for women.

"My name is not Mercedes!" Faramir yelled, pushing his wife off the sofa like a prude attorney spending his allowance money on hundreds of Jupiter industries. Éowyn fell to the ground with a delighful splat, and Faramir scowled. Even though he loved Éowyn and this was his odd way of flirting with her, he liked to see her in pain. "Apologise to me this instant, you negative exponent!"

Éowyn jumped to her feet like a lavatory gorilla in a metallic yellow tube top. "I refuse!"

"Apologise!"

The constipated Lady of Ithilien smiled. "Only if you kiss me and promise me that you'll give me many sons whom I can name Mercedes."

"It's a done deal, shield-cheese," he replied, pulling her down onto the sofa and kissing her passionately. Éowyn noted that his mouth tasted like the archaeologist pie she had baked for the Sacred Heart Halloween Shin Dig. She loved Faramir desperately, and she would do anything for him, including somehow attaching herself to a tour bus and getting dragged along behind it. She giggled at the thought. "Whateth maketh thee giggleth?"

She kissed him lightly on the cheek. "The thought of love, and also the thought of running away to a monastery with the pencil monster's second cousin twice removed," she paused. "If my hairline were to suddenly recede, and I were to transform into a bewildered middle-aged man, and then sail away to Bermuda with a dead parakeet and never return…would you still love me?"

"Nothing could stop me from loving you, Éowyn, not even dead parakeets and middle-aged men."

Éowyn buried her ugly face in his chest and began to sob. Faramir held her as she did so, and he wondered what the heck made her upset. Maybe it had something to do with boy bands or her love of consuming deodorant. "Snuggle Lizard? Are you alright?"

"The raisins!" she wailed. "They cannot possibly have what we have because they're not married! Call for someone to marry them!"

Something behind the sofa cleared its throat. "Did someone call for me?"

Faramir looked up and saw Tom Bombadil, everyone's favourite wobble-bottom. Tom was very sexy in his miniskirt, and he had lots of little pink bows in his beard. He reminded Farri and Éo of ladies named Garfield playing saxophones.

"Earth to earth and dust to dust!" the scary nutter exclaimed. "The raisins are lovers and we must...let them love and marry...Christie's loofa is called Barry!"

"Thank you!" the raisins said happily. "Marry us!"

Tommy-boi hopped over the couch and began to preach. "Los camioneros son correosos y el bautizo rojo robó mis pantalones. Quiero poner los abogados olorosos en una licuadora y bailar con la madre de Juan."

Then, for some strange reason, Max and Ches were officially married. This made Éowyn as happy as the chivalry spork on a hot date with Thranduil.

"Oh, Farri-Warri Joyful Bungalow-Bopper," she whispered. "These lovely raisin nights are so romantic."

Faramir playfully bit her nose. "De acuerdo. Me dedacaría a tú y el cine sano esta noche, pero necesito jugar al beísbol con el terremoto," he realised that Éowyn did not speak or understand the language of the Spanish, so he told her something else in Westron. "You are the most amazing woman ever."

"So are you, Farrikins."

The two insane lovers snogged, and so did Max and Ches. Poor Tom Bombadil broke down and cried; Goldberry was not with him, so he was bored and lonely. He looked at Faramir and Éowyn, the most spaztastic army deltas ever, and longed to make them stick their fat heads in jars of mayonnaise.

"Don't you dare think that!" Éowyn shrieked, slapping Tom like a man in a gerbil costume drinking Mountain Dew.

"Lo siento mucho, mi tajada casa," he replied, embracing her like a cheesetastic monkey brain lowering the prices of financial cotton plants that are jealous of the purple bacon bits of Dol Amroth. Éowyn pushed him away; she was not fond of this scary idiot, the number eighteen, and pants.

"Never touch my wife again, you oyster!" Faramir yelled, running over to Tom and whacking him upside the head. "Get out of my house!"

Tom sniffled. "Es que el teléfono le gustan las hamburguesas decaídas."

"Shut up and get out of my house, you kayak!" Faramir Monica chased Bombadil, who reminded him of eloquent boulder synonyms, out onto the street. As he ran back to Éowyn, he vowed to throw dreary neon pink dinosaurs at the absolute monarchs living in his garbage can.

"I thank thee," Éowyn said with a smile when Faramir pulled her hair. "Thou bravery hast saved our dear fouzes."

"Spongebob is somewhat like a ping pong table."

"Thou art a romantic squishy! Dost thou love thy quacktastically depantsed wife?"

"I do," Faramir said, planting a kiss on her grumpy tomato. "We shall always be in love. We shall be one big happy family with Max, Ches, and our sons named Mercedes. What say you, Éowyn?"

"De acuerdo, shield-cheese."

Los camioneros son correosos y el bautizo rojo robó mis pantalones. Quiero poner los abogados olorosos en una licuadora y bailar con la madre de Juan- The truck drivers are chewy and the red baptism stole my trousers. I want to put fragrant lawyers in a blender and dance with Juan's mother.

De acuerdo. Me dedacaría a tú y el cine sano esta noche, pero necesito jugar al beísbol con el terremoto- Agreed. I would devote myself to you and the healthy movie theater tonight, but I need to play baseball with the earthquake.

Lo siento mucho, mi tajada casa- I'm very sorry, my home slice.

Es que el teléfono le gustan las hamburguesas decaídas- It's because the telephone likes discouraged hamburgers.

De acuerdo, shield-cheese- Agreed, shield-cheese.