September, 21st, 2004

How long have I been sitting here, in the rain, all alone?

I keep thinking this as I look around at everyone passing me by, looking at me as if I’m weird or poison. Okay, so I’m a lone boy, I haven’t got any friends and I have no time on my hands, I’m always trying to convince myself that I’m not alone, but I am. It’s been that way since I was little, about seven, when that woman with long hair ruined my life.

I hate her.

I despise her, if only she could be destroyed! I could try... No, I’m not strong enough anymore; I don’t have the energy to bother with her, that witch, that monster, that Sadako! Still, it’s not like I’ve never been called those names, freak, monster and witch-child. In a way, I’m like Sadako in some ways. Still, she claims she knows suffering, she claims she knows what it’s like to feel like there is nothing for you, that you’re a monster, that her powers should be used to kill others. Well, she’s wrong! That isn’t suffering... She could have been different; she didn’t have to choose to kill.

I know suffering more then her, I was only seven, and I was only in the first grade, I was happy... I had my mum, and somewhere, though I hardly ever saw him... I had a dad. I loved them both very much, though bot of them had their floors, but then again who doesn’t?

My beloved mother, Reiko, was busy, but if she didn’t have her work then I wouldn’t have anything from the food I ate to the clothes I wore. Plus, she loved her job, I know she did, she felt it gave her independence and the right to earn her own money. I tried my best to stay out of her way and blend as best I could into her life. I remember her once saying that I was the most important thing in the world to her, and that, if anything ever happened to me... she couldn’t bare to go on living.

I liked the fact that I had someone that was always there to love me and look after me. Okay, she may not have been the greatest mum in the world, but she was my mum... and I loved her a lot.

Just thinking about this makes me cry... How she died... And wonder why I didn’t cry at the time. I guess it was just the shock that a moment ago she was hugging me and telling me that she’d die before she’d let anything happen to me. Sadako took her at her word. I know who’s fault that mother died was, and though she has given me more reason to hate her now, I never, ever forgave her.

Oh mother, how often to I wish I could wake up from this life and find you just smiling, telling me it was a bad dream. Like you used when I had a nightmare, your kind, beautiful face just looking down on me and stroking my head slightly, telling me “It’s all right”.

If only mother was here right now, in my time of need. Maybe she’s watching me, wishing that she could do something to save me, she’s like that, watching me all the time, like an angel. I hope she’s watching me, trying tries to give me good dreams. I need them; she hits me you know.

No, not mother... she’d never do that.

I mean Mai; she’s crazy, she used to be nice before she went insane. Still, when everything goes wrong, all of a sudden it’s my fault. She tried so hard to start with to get my family members to look after me.

First there was Tomoko’s mother, my auntie Ryomi, I was with her for a year and a half and I got pretty settled, but then when my uncle died she had a nervous break down and I was sent to foster homes to try and find me someone else. So, I went to great auntie Yoshimi. I was with her for nearly a year, but then she died and once again I was back in foster. It was, by this time I had been told, that Mai was going mad... She kept seeing things and blamed them on me. For a while, I was sent to her while the foster people tracked down my relatives.

I was stuck with her and her screaming at me for months before my uncle, my mum’s brother said he’d take me in. I hated him; he was never nice to me, mum or dad when we were one family and always insulting mum. I hated him still! I spent my longest with him, many years, but then... according to Mai... I killed my uncle. Yes, he died too. Mai agreed to foster me again and then... did I get a beating! She was crazy, utterly mad! She’d hurt me so I wouldn’t have the energy to kill her.

Surely those death weren’t caused by me... were they? Or were they? I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Ha! I’d rather sit out here, in the rain without a coat, without an umbrella just here, on the benches where my father used to sit then go back to that psycho. She’ll kill me later when she comes looking for me, that’s if she bothers of course, but then again nothing she does will be any different from what she does any other time I come home after her. Thank God I know how to look after myself, well, in a way I do. I guess that being left alone all the time had finally paid off huh? Still, it’s hard to imagine that a wimp like her managed to turn into psychopath, okay, maybe not a psychopath, it is harsh. Mad-hatter, that’ll do.

I sometimes wonder if it was father that drove her mad...

My father... my father, hmm... Interesting fellow. Is it right to believe he’s watching me too, like I hope mother is? I hope so; I like to think he’s sitting next to me now, though I can’t see him. He’s there. Hi dad! Look at me... Look! I’m wet through and there is nobody in the world that seems to care. The people, who are walking past now, just look... look, they are doing nothing! Just walking by, acting like I’m not ever here.

One thing though, would you care if it was just mum who’d died and I’d been stuck with you? Makes me wonder sometimes, dad. My aunts have told me that you didn’t really like me anyway, so you can’t really blame me for wondering. I’ve been told that you never wanted to leave a part of you in the world. Thanks dad I’m really flattered! And do you know the horrible thing? I seriously don’t care you think that I’m your nasty mark on the world, still I guess you can boost to the people that you’ve been there, done that and left the after result... (That’s right dad, I’m not stupid). But like I said, I don’t care... You maybe, the worst father for being there for his kid, you may be strange, you maybe pretty much a mess... But he’s the fact... I still love you. There I said it, are you shocked? Well, it’s true, I love you just like I love mother.

It’s strange, but that’s the truth. Though it’s not very clear, I remember you from when I was a baby, you know, very little. I can barely believe I remember life from when I was four and younger... Though they aren’t clear, it’s there still. When I was a baby, I’d never cry when were with me, sometimes, when mummy was tired from looking after me in the day, you’d be the one to ask me what was wrong when I woke up in the middle of the night. You know, when you left, dad, you left just one of your shirts behind... It became my conforter; I still had it somewhere, even when I was seven.

Endless memories of what it used to be like, before you started to change, your mind started to feel pain. I think it was Sadako’s fault, she had an eye on the three of us, I’m sure, and it’s Sadako’s doing seeing as the trouble started around the time she died in the well. I remember from when I was three, you always complaining of headaches... You’d got headaches before because you were always slightly psychic, just not like this. I remember how mum used to beg you to see a doctor about the headaches, but you told her that it was something more then headaches. And you were right, for some strange reason, you’re powers were getting stronger.

Mum was always a little psychic too; she knew something was wrong and would complain of chest pains when she knew something was wrong. She’d also get visions, and the two of you could communicate sometimes, but only rarely. When you started to go strange, it scared her, I remember her telling me how worried she was about you, but all the time she’d end it saying “It’s okay. I’ll be alright”. But it wasn’t alright, it was worse... I even remember the thing that... really did it.

I was sitting on the sofa pretending to be asleep, but I was looking at the window cause I saw the birds where all sitting on the balcony, chirping away. You were sitting in the chair, taking an aspirin for yet another headache. After that, I guess I fell asleep, because the next thing I knew, you had your head on my head... and you were stuck, I could feel you reading my dream, or rather my nightmare.

It was one of those ones that didn’t make sense, ones that freak you out. Like when you hear noises and something the grabs at you. I know from fevers I’ve had that they are quite common. Well, I can just guess what happened next.

Mum must have walked in and got too close... She had an ability that almost shakes dads. She could enter into projections. She was psychic the rest of the time, not very though, nothing as bad as you, but when she got influences... There she went. I remember suddenly seeing mum in the dream, and I think she could see me, but she was too full of shock to do anything or say anything. She was just looking around; looking pretty much shocked... Then, I don’t remember, I think it was a horrible screeching sound like microphones do when you get to close to them and... I woke up to find that you were now helping mum who had fallen flat on her face. After that, you never wanted to touch either of us, unless you had to.

I hope you heard that dad, at least, I hope you heard the loving part...

Now to my own thoughts now, thinking about that has made me look up at the sky, while getting rain in my eyes and having them fall down my face as if they were tears. ‘Did dad blame himself for our misfortunes?’ I mean, it’s clear that mum, dad and me had the power to see things, I know I have it now, though it’s not as strong as mum and dad’s... or is it?

I lay my hands on the bench and think to myself, I try to get my mind focused on it and asking myself “Bench, what can you tell me?” Suddenly, there’s dad again, sometimes other people are there but dad is mostly just sitting here, alone, doing his work on maths.

I feel really cold now; I think the rains getting to me. Looking around, there’s no one looking at me, in fact, there is no one. They must have darted into shelter. Well, the rain isn’t as strong anymore; my face isn’t getting wet as I lie across on the bench. I can see that the sky is grey and white with clouds, covering the city like a huge blanket. I feel my hair; it’s soaked but not as wet as it feels. I feel my face; I don’t know how cold it is, as my hand is pretty cold too. I just seem to be caring what’s going on around me, I just want to stick to what’s my head and all I want to think about are my parents. And even they aren’t perfect...

It’s hard to remember the perfect ones, since I was really little when there were perfect ones... Then again, there is no such thing as ‘perfect’; there’s always a floor somewhere. Still, I don’t mind floors, though I hate it when the floors have a big hole in them.

I look to the side of the bench and look at the feet... of people passing me by and scuffling by. It now I notice one of the feet pairs. I quickly stand from the bench and look, hoping and praying that they won’t see me... I have no choice... I have to run, if I’m lucky, I can beat her back. So I let my feet fly... and though, as I run my heart feels like its going to explode, I know that I wouldn’t care if it did explode. If I just dropped dead here right now, it’d be just a relief from this painful thing we call life... I just wish mine would end...

I have nothing...

I’m a walking illness, whom everyone hates...

There’s something about that paranoid my auntie and killed my uncle...

There’s something that killed my very hated uncle...

There’s something in me that must have drove Takano mad...

It’s all just me, just Yoichi... there’s something inside of me that makes everyone hate me, and not care I’m there... I can't stand it much more. I think it has to be Sadako, the fear wasn’t what made me evil, it was my nature to react like this. That’s why Sadako wanted me, because my powers are developing like hers... What if Sadako’s watching now? Has she still got her ugly eye on me? Planning to make me her slave? Well I never want to have the likes of Sadako using me while I still have wills...

It has to end here...

End with me...

Well, maybe not with me. I have a feeling that Mai will suffer too... but not with death, after what she’s done to me:

Gaining my trust and the smashing it by telling the police about my mother, which lead to mum’s death.

Then smashing it even more, by treating me like a monster for all this time. Wicked harlot, doesn’t deserve death, none of these people who just watch me suffer and ignore it... Let her and all the others who’ve hurt me, destroyed me, took my family and loved ones pay... They’ll all pay for my parents’ deaths. People, who deserve it, will pay for my suffering... I know they will. Mai will end up in hospital after I’m dead, just like Okazaki and Masami

Maybe, Sadako is merciful to take the life of someone whom maybe in trouble or someone maybe so scared they didn't move from the T.V when they watched the tape... Well for those who ruined my life, I don’t want to be merciful. Let them live, sure, for no one deserves to die if they just learnt your story, as they then can’t go on and tell others. Still people who have treated me wrongly and miss judged me... Mai, the doctors, the policemen even Sadako herself will be driven made by my influence.

Still, though I have a feeling this will happen, all I really want is relief from life. To be free and to be where I want to be, with my family.

I shiver with my cold as the wet drenches into my flesh and tries to fight me by giving me a cold, but illness will take again... Not a virus, not anything... And as I run, with these feelings in my head, I’m wondering, what will I find when my life is taken by my hand? Will I find heaven? Will I find hell? Or will I find no peace, like Sadako, for she died in hatred and the whole world was cursed by it.

Though I wish for revenge, I smite by my hatred of Sadako upon the world along with my misery of my life and my wish to have my family back.

I have suffered enough, and the idea of death sounds like music to me now...

As I walk up the stairs to the top of the building, I can see I’m leaving drip marks and my feet are leaving water marked foot-pints. Maybe someone will think it was I once they realise what I've done. So, I climb higher, looking behind me to make sure no one is following me, cause they’re sure to try and stop me if they catch me.

I clime to the flat and open the door... She’s not there, thank God, now all she has to do is worry that her window is going to be pretty much ‘open’ when she gets back...

I look at the work on the whiteboard, so I’ll leave one final message from me to the whole world, I won’t bother to wipe out the work there. I’ll just write over the work there. I’ll leave the message, one that Sadako is sure to have left but one I’m going to drive her and everyone else mad with the fact...

‘HELL IS REAL’

I open the sliding door... the net curtains are blowing and getting wet with the wind, which is blowing more rain into my face and into room behind me. I walk towards the balcony and place my hands on the rim. Looking down on Tokyo, I feel that these people are lucky they hadn’t had a life like mine. Still, it won’t be mine anymore; I’m giving up. It’s all right... no more fighting...

I pull myself slowly up and... I hold onto the rim of the balcony as hang myself over and stretch my arms away from the balcony and hold myself over the streets below. I wonder if someone has noticed, I hope they don’t, they’d try everything they could to save me... I don’t want to be saved... I don’t want to be saved by people I don’t even know...

I should have died in the well that time when father took my ‘fear’ away... I should have drowned there; I wanted to give up... Well no one will stop me now. The Asakawa Yoichi Saga ends here

I can feel my heart racing... Like it’s trying to escape from me... Like when you know you’re going to die... I wonder if that’s what dad felt when Sadako killed him and in the few seconds mum could see her death... Did their hearts race? Or is it that I’m scared?

Yes, I am scared...

Scared of what happens to me when I die... But if I’ve been good enough to deserve a good after life, then I want to join my parents... I really miss them so much, I really wish I could be with them... I really do love them...

Ever since mum died, that’s all I wanted to do... Join her, them, both of them...

I keep holding myself in place and look up at the sky... It looks like static, even with the rain falling... But as I look up, the rain seems to be settling down. But as I move my eyes from the sky, I can’t stop myself slowly moving my eyes towards the city below. I’m very high up. I’m going to throw myself. I want to, but there’s something inside me that makes me wonder if it’ll hurt much? Will I die? I am up six stories, so I guess I will... I hope so anyway, and I guess it’ll hurt, but only for a second... I’ll be dead before it hurts enough to be unbearable...

I close my eyes and turn my head up again, and the rain hits my face again, but it's my tears that are falling now. Tears that fall like rain...

I try to think of nice things; once again only my parents came to mind... I really, really miss them and I hate living in a cruel world like this one that doesn’t have them in it... I’m lonely, and I know that over this hell which humans are stuck living in, there is a world where all people go, even Sadako’s victims...

That place in the sky where all people who die go, where all souls and spirits are freed from their body and free to stay with their loved ones. I want to be there... Not here in the real hell... I just think of my parents...

Mother...

Father...

I hear the door behind me... She’s home...

I slip my bonny hands away from the rim...

I let go and fall...

There’s a scream behind me as I let go, so she must have seen me. Ha! Well good; let you go madder still, this is partly your fault, though it’s better to blame Sadako... It’s all her fault really.

Just before death, I feel like I’m flying towards the Earth and I’m no longer scared, I know that once I have landed on the Earth, I’ll only have to suffer for one more second before I’m gone. I’ll break every bone in my body... I don’t care. My spirit will live on and be free.

I’ll be free from this body...

And float towards the sky...

As I close my eyes slowly, I know it won’t be long now...

Soon I’ll have entered heaven and I can rejoin my parents...

My mother, my father and me... Together again forever and a family... Like it always should have been.