Chibi Hellsing Moments 12

Integral-Is sitting in the kitchen staring at the toaster and drinking a glass of water-
Celes and Walter-Walk in-
Celes: Sir Integra? What are you doing?
Integral: I'm making sure nothing funny happens with this toaster.
Celes: Ah.
Walter: Forgive me for asking but I noticed that the coffee machine appears to have been thoroughly smashed up with a large blunt object and then thrown out the window. Do you happen to know how that came about?
Integral: I did it. I decided that I'm going to give up caffeine and that was the surest way to keep myself on habit. Oh and I'd like you to switch my tea to decaf.
Walter-Bows- Of course Sir Integral. I'll see to that right away. -Leaves with Celes-
Celes: Walter don't take this the wrong way but an Integral without caffeine is an Integral who is more scary than normal and THAT is saying something.
Walter: I know. But don't worry. Even if she gives up coffee and switches to decaf tea she'll still be getting it.
Celes: How? Do you put keep-awake pills in the water supply around here?
Walter: Oh no nothing like that...though that's a tempting idea. Your close though, I've been putting them in her tea for years now.
Celes: Isn't that a bit...over the top. I mean drugging her tea...
Walter: Oh she asked me to do it. It's just been so long she's forgotten. Mind you she was still writing in crayons at the time but I'm sure there's a loophole for that.
Celes: ...Walter out of curiosity what exactly is IN the tea you make...and is any of it actually tea?

Celes-Is cautiously looking around the corner of a dark hallway then slowly making her way down it-
Alucard-Appear just behind her- What are you afraid of police girl?
Celes-Jumps about six feet in the air- Yaaaaa -Spins around- Master! Don't DO that!
Walter-Right behind Celes- Do what Miss Victoria?
Celes: o.o -Clutches her chest and falls to the floor-
Alucard-Pokes her with his foot- You don't have a pulse anymore remember? It's very hard to experience any cardiac problems when you don't actually need your heart.
Celes-Gets up- Oh right I keep forgetting that...wait how come I still have circulation if my heart doesn't work?
Alucard: That's a good question and the answer is that...
Hellsing Secretary-Comes over to the group- Walter do you happen to know where Sir Integral is.
Walter: Take the hallway to your left all the way down and then take the stairs to floor three. She'll be in room 13.
HS: Thanks Walter -Runs off-
Alucard: ...and that's how your whole no pulse circulation system works.
Celes: Oh I see it all makes sense now.
Alucard: In any event what are you scared of? It doesn't do for a fledgling of mine to be afraid of dark corridors.
Celes-Sighs- Ok I know this will sounds silly but I was watching a horror movie marathon the other night and I just can't keep it out of my head. And the really annoying this is that I'm not really afraid of them, I mean I'm a vampire now I know I could take on any horror movie character, it's just that they creepy me out to no end.
Walter-Smiles- Oh you don't have to worry about horror movie villains Miss Victoria. Sir Integral took care of them a few years ago.
Celes: ...say wha?
Alucard: It's true. We still have the security tapes.
Walter: You see most of the more famous horror movie villain do...or rather did actually exist. That's why you see so many sequels to their movies. Whenever one would get low on cash they would just sell their latest exploits to a movie company. The movie company directors really didn't have much choice in the matter and always went along with the whole thing.
Celes: Well that explains a lot...most of it not comforting.
Alucard: Well a whole group of them all got hired by some agency a while back to come here and take out Sir Integral while me and Walter were out on a mission.
Celes: Wait...let me see if I have this straight. Sir Integral was here relatively alone and she had a whole chunk of horror movie villains after her...what happened?
Walter: For a lack of better terms she kicked their butts. It turns out that they mostly relied on the people they were attacking not having any knowledge of the supernatural at all. Sir integral, who literally runs an agency around the disposal of supernatural troublemakers was able to take care of them easily.
Celes: You're joking right?
Alucard: Well if you want we could take you to the roof. That one possessed doll thing is still tied to the lightning rod up there.
Walter: Or as Alucard mentioned you could watch the security tapes of the whole incident. That one gentleman in the hockey mask really should have learned that swinging a large blade around leaves ones privates open to kicks.
Celes: ...Ok its official my life is weird...but oddly I'm not creeped out anymore. I will be having nightmares about Sir Integral though.

Celes-Is wandering around the mansion in a half starved daze. She eventually comes to the kitchen and notices a blood packet on the table- Oh I'm so hungry...maybe I should just drink the stupid blood it can't be as bad as feeling like this. -Notices the bag- Huh...I wonder if Master left this out for me...arggh I give up -tear the bag open and drinks the contents-
-Three seconds later-
Celes: ARGHHHHH
-Ten minutes later-
Alucard-Is rolling on the floor laughing-
Celes: Walter I understand that some of the things you do around here for practicalities sake are a little odd but next time the soy sauce bottle breaks could you PLEASE find something else to put the rest of bottle in?

-Last scene of the Hellsing anime-
Alucard-Offers Integral his blood-
Integral-Smiles-
Hellsing Director: And CUT!
Alucard and Integral-Walks off the set-
HD: Well Sir Integral this has bee a very successful first season of Hellsing.
Integral: I think so too, though I think it was a mistake to deviate so much from the original work. In any event I look forward to next season.
HD: Well yes about that. Me and my associates have been talking about it and were thinking we need to tweak Alucards role in the series.
Integral-Frowns- Tweak?
HD: Well were thinking that Alucard might have been portrayed as a bit too powerful in this first season. He's become a blatant dues ex machina. We're thinking of finding a way to creatively limit his powers so that the series doesn't consist of vampires showing up and Alucard shooting them. It gets kind of boring after a while and we want to keep our viewers curious as to what will happen next.
Integral: Well I'm not sure Alucard will like it. But who cares about that. In any event you do have a point. What kind of 'creative power limitations' did you have in mind?
HD: Well I and the boys in creative writing have been working on a few ways we could work that. I'll run a few of them by you and you tell me what you think.
Integral: Alright.
HD: Ok. Plan 1: At the start of the next season the millennium organization casts a ritual that will trap Alucard inside the earth. Integral counters this by giving five magic vampire hunting tools to five teenagers, each of varying ethnicities to keep the show PC, who will take care of most of the actual work. But should things get to tough for them they can combine their powers and summon Alucard from the earth for a brief period in order to save them.
Integral-Sweatdrop- That's still technically a dues ex machine and I think it's been done before.
HD: Hmm good point. Alright plan 2: A new uber-powerful vampire comes along and promptly kills Alucard, sending him into the next dimension. The new vampire then gives the Hellsing agency one year to prepare to fight him before he will come back and destroy them. Alucard in the meantime finds that the afterlife is actually a training ground for vampires and goes off to find a way to become powerful enough to fight this new vampire and then be resurrected just in time for the final battle.
Integral: Err maybe I should hear the rest of your plans first before I make any comments.
HD: Fair enough. Plan 3: Alucard is revealed to actually be a rather weak vampire. However when he drinks the blood of a vegetarian his strength increases ten fold and he is able to take on any challenge. We can even twist it around to make a statement about eating right.
Integral: ...who was in charge of hiring the creative writing staff?
-Three hours later-
HD: Plan 398: Alucard is actually a prince from the moon. He receives an urgent call and must return to his home kingdom. But before he leaves he gives Integral, Celes, and three new female cast members' magical crystal-millennium-silver-tinsel-omni-ninja gems which they can use to turn into the Hellsing scouts: a team of super powerful magic vampire girls who fight in the name of God Queen and Country.
Integral-Eye twitching and loading her gun-Celes-Sigh-
Walter: What's the matter Miss Victoria?
Celes: Well I've been reading up on some of that classic vampire literature that Integral suggested everyone look into and frankly it's getting on my nerves.
Walter: How so?
Celes: Well wherever I go people start annoying me about reading it. For instance I had this one coffee shop I really liked to read in. But ever since I started reading all this vampiric literature a lot of the people there have started bugging me. They start asking all these questions about vampires and they want to know if I think I AM a vampire. The catch is I don't think any of them even notice my fangs or eyes. They can't seem to get past the book. I mean I'm just reading a story and they act like I asked the bartender for a pint of his finest O-Negative.
Walter: I thought you said this was at a coffee shop.
Celes: .Err yeah coffee shop, right. In any event it's just annoying that I end up swearing up and down that "No I don't think vampires exist" and "No I don't think that I am a vampire." when it's actually the truth that they do exist and more then that I REALLY am one. -Sigh- Does that even make sense?
Walter: Yes it does. Everyone in the agency has experienced it, that annoyance that comes from having to conceal or deny something that is part of your everyday life. You just get used to it after a while.
Celes: Yeah I suppose I will. -Starts to walk away-
Walter: Miss Victoria.
Celes-Turns around- Yeah what is it Walter?
Walter: Here at Hellsing we have strict policies about not harming civilians no matter how annoying they may be and even stricter policies about not letting them know about the existence of the undead.
Celes: Yes Walter I know all that, don't worry I know how to be careful.
Walter: However..there are utterly no rules against scaring the living daylights out of them.
Celes: .-Smiles-

Celes: You know Walter I know I'm new to this whole vampire hunting thing over all but I never remembered anything talking about using flowers to fight vampires with.
Walter: What on earth are you talking about?
Celes; I just went down to the armory and a bunch of soldiers down there were loading flowers into cannons.
Walter: Oh their just getting ready for the annual Valentines Day war we have with Iscariot each year.
Celes: .. I know you all are an unorthodox lot but don't you think it's a little over the top to spend a day dedicated to love by holding a war.
Walter: Nonsense. We've been doing this for years now. It's always the same. Both sides rig up some guns and hold a mock war of firing things like flowers and chocolates at each other. We take turns on where it's held. This year we go over to the Vatican and siege their base just like they did ours last year.
Celes: And no one else finds something fundamentally disturbing about having a war involving the firing of flowers. I mean it sounds like something you would do at a protest rally but it just sounds ridiculous in this context.
Walter: Look it's something that both Integral and Enricho thought up when they ended up drunk at a meeting one night and we've gone with it since. Frankly everyone cares more about the near infinite supply of free chocolate to care too much about the actual war.
Celes: Well THAT makes sense...mind you it would make even more sense if I could eat chocolate.