Has Harry/Severus and a little Neville/Lucius. Am I one of the only ones who adores this pairing?

And before anyone gets their hackles up: no, it isn’t a healthy relationship when one partner treats the other as a pet that requires an owner’s manual. Bad, Snape, bad.

Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters.

Warning: SLASH

Italics are Snape’s writing.

Teenage Gryffindor Males: An Owner’s Manual

Lucius Malfoy ensconced himself in one corner of his manor ballroom. The huge room was filled with silver and white balloons and dainty confetti that danced, suspended by magic in the air.

It was his fortieth birthday. His son had planned the suprise party. Probably to punish him for some imagined slight, Draco had invited mostly his own peers, a wide selection of 20 and unders, with only a handful of his own acquaintances including Severus Snape and a few Ministry oafs.

Of course, what his dear son didn’t know was that he had inadvertently invited his lover to the festivities. There was no way Draco could have known really, Lucius had kept his relationship tightly under wraps since his wife had left only a few months before.

He had thought perhaps Severus had seen them together a few weeks ago when he and his lover had run into each other quite by chance in Diagon Alley and put the pieces together, but Severus hadn’t said anything about it, and Severus was not the type to keep his quips to himself, especially not with material like this to work with.

Lucius Malfoy with a Gryffindor half his age. Ghastly.

Lucius’ icy grey eyes swept across the decorated ballroom searching out the boy in question. His look became decidedly smug as a rosy flush swept over Neville’s features. He held the younger man’s gaze, making sure Neville could read it in exactly what sort of reprehensible plans he had for the boy tonight, after his guests left and he had a chance to celebrate his own 40th birthday in the manner of his choice. Much to his amusement, the boy coloured more and then jumped a mile when one his foolish friends came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. He watched Neville’s little friend led him off towards the food laden side tables, and only drew his eyes away when a body gracefully and silently slid into the chair next to his.

He turned to his friend of thirty odd years and saluted him vaguely with his champagne glass. “Severus.”

“Lucius. I believe congratulations are in order.”

“Ah, yes, another year well accounted for.”

Severus’ tight smile was exceedingly smug. “Ah no, it was not your birthday I was alluding to, my friend, but rather your conquest over a certain Gryffindor boy.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lucius bristled, schooling his features into a bored expression.

Severus snorted softly, sipping from a glass of scotch he had taken from Lucius’ private stock, refusing to drink the party swill. Over the lip of his glass his eyes sot out his own nineteen-year-old lion. Harry was in a corner with Weasely and Thomas, all three of them appeared to be quite enjoying the spiked punch and were laughing like loons, eyeing up the girls on the makeshift dance floor and whispering what was no doubt crude things to each other. As if sensing his attention, Harry glanced over then quickly looked away. “I do believe I know exactly what I am talking about.”

A blond eyebrow shot up. “My, my Severus. Potter? How long has this been going on?”

Severus calmly set his drink down, reaching into the front pocket of his robe to pull out a thin, unwrapped box. “A lot longer than your affair with Mr. Longbottom. Long enough,” Severus paused, handing over the box, “To find it my duty to give you this.”

Lucius weighed it in his hand and asked, “What is it, Severus?”

Severus only gave him that knowing, irritating smirk, standing from his seat. “Happy birthday, Lucius.” Then he was gone, disappearing through the door towards the back balcony. Lucius watched as Potter waited a few minutes then excused himself from his group of friends and nonchalantly slipped out the same door.

Lucius took another look over at Neville and was pleased to spy the boy impatiently checking his pocket watch. Not much longer now, Lucius silently promised, he figured he would allow Draco another 20 or 30 minutes before he started to kick his guests out. In the meantime, he settled back in his chair to open Severus’ birthday gift, which, he admitted, had him quite curious.

The top of the box came off and he pulled the scroll out, written in Snape’s meticulous cursive. The title immediately caught his attention:

Teenage Gryffindor Males: An Owner’s Manual

By Severus Snape

Foreword

Teenage Gryffindor Males, or TGMs as they shall be referred to in the remainder of this dissertation, are a great deal of work. They are noisy, over excitable, and generally disruptive. They demand a great deal of attention – both physical and psychological. If one is not entirely sure if they are up to the challenge of assuming the care and maintenance of a TGM, it is generally recommended they start with a Puffskein and work their way up to a Gryffindor.

Feeding

The key thing to remember is that TGMs consume quantities of food that may at time defy the laws of nature. It is of utmost importance one never attempts to question this, and is prepared to try to fill the bottomless pit otherwise known as a stomach. If improperly fed, Gryffindor brats may become cranky, irrational, or lethargic.

Feeding

He came home on his lunch break only to find the idiot boy actually eating lunch at the table. He began unbuttoning his robes even as he swept across the kitchen to save time- he could only close his shop for half an hour and he knew Harry would have to be back to his Quidditch training at one o’clock sharp.

“Oh, for the love of – I didn’t come home to watch you stuff your face.”

Harry rose from the table, pushing the sandwich into his mouth with one hand and using his other hand to unfasten the fly of his tight jeans, beneath which he was quite noticeable hard. His speech was retarded by the food in his mouth, “’ungry, s’ill wan’ a ‘ave you…”

Severus rolled his eyes and turned to head back to the floo. “I don’t have the time for this nonsense.”

Harry hastily swallowed, “C’mon, please Snape.”

Severus sighed, relenting; he reached out, dragging Harry around and pressing the younger man up against the counter until his abdomen butted into the edge of the sink.

“Eat over the sink if you must.” Severus snapped, bending the boy over and pushing his pants out of the way. He freed his own cock, rubbing it against Harry’s scrotum from behind, causing the younger man to moan and jolt forward. “And for the love of all things magical, Potter, don’t get crumbs everywhere.”

House training

House elves are invaluable when first acquiring a TGM, as they are not fully house trained. They leave dishes lying around, clothes on the ground, books out of place, and various personal items scattered about. They must be broken of these habits by any means necessary.

House Training

“Where’s my broom?”

“Hmm?”

“Severus, where’s my broom?”

“The one left on the front carpet? That broom, Potter?”

“The one I paid four month’s salary on! That broom, Snape!”

“Kindling.”

“You didn’t!”

“Ah, but I did, Mr. Potter, I did indeed.”

Entertainment

TGMs are endowed with an excess amount of energy. It is only with great infrequency that a Gryffindor is able to entertain themselves. If one hopes to get any work done with a Gryffindor around, they must be given something to amuse themselves with. Anything colourful or shiny will do.

Entertainment

“Really?” Harry repeated excitedly for what seemed like the hundredth time since Severus had come back from muggle London with the box. “A TV? I thought you called it a ‘useless muggle invention created so that they could watch people even more idiotic than themselves without leaving their rooms’.”

Severus was saved from having to answer by the end of what Harry referred to as commercials. With his show back on, Harry sprawled on his stomach on the floor in front of the screen – silent for once.

Severus settled back in his brown, leather armchair, finally finding the time to open up last month’s neglected potion quarterly. Yes, the picture box had been a very, very good idea.

Sleeping

There are several important points to be made about a TGM’s sleeping habits. They sprawl out on the mattress and must be constantly returned to their own side of the bed. They have perpetually cold feet under the sheets. They wake up hard and amorous – every morning. It can prove dangerously addictive; if you choose to begin to let a TGM sleep in your bed you may find yourself incapable of sleep without their presence in as few as three nights.

Sleeping

It was Harry’s fourth night in the hotel his team was staying at in Spain for the Quidditch winter training camp. There were certain advantages to being the slayer of the Dark Lord, namingly he was the only rookie player with his own room – cramped and dilapidated as it was.

He lay on his bed, staring up at the pealing, speckled ceiling. He wasn’t sure if he was going to last out the next six weeks, Quidditch was fun…but, Quidditch training was work. There wasn’t a muscle in his body that didn’t feel stiff. He groaned, grabbing his pillow and pressing it over his face, drifting off into an exhausted sleep.

He had no idea what time it was when he was awoken by someone pulling the pillow out of his grasp.

He snatched for his wand, stunned that the wards on the room hadn’t sounded an alarm. A large hand wrapped around his upper arm, hauling him out of bed.

“Snape?”

The older man just snorted, slamming a large, ugly, wooden paperweight down on the side table. “Portkey. This filthy cubicle to my room. Use it.”

And he did. Every night that summer.

Rules

Unlike their Slytherin counterparts, Gryffindors break the rules in such a spectacularly ostentatious manner it will usually be blatantly obvious – and sometimes will be done purely to draw attention. Any rule breaking should be dealt with with quick and immediate reprisal. Corporal punishment, while quite satisfying, can prove less than effective – especially with Gryffindor brats who often enjoy the feel of a cane more than they should. Inventive and personalized punishments should be employed whenever possible.

Rules

“A time out? I’m not a kid, Snape, you can’t give me a time out!”

“That’ll be another ten minutes.”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“Fifteen.”

“How was I even supposed to know those stupid, little scribbles were even important?”

“Thirty!”

“You can’t give the Saviour of the Wizarding World a time out!”

“Forty-five.”

Finally Harry shut up, pressing his nose into the corner and flushing with anger.

Fidelity

TGMs, like all Gryffindor, are intensely faithful and loyal to a fault. However, that being said, you would not be remise to add an discreet tracking spell to their person on the nights when they, say, go out to the pub with their less than responsible friends and get utterly sotted. Certain basic hexes can also prove useful.

Fidelity

Severus awoke in the middle of the night to sound of a drunken fool banging into the furniture in his bedroom.

“Lumos.” The tip of his wand flared to life, shedding light on the bed and on the half-naked boy struggling with his pants. He staggered around inebriated, fingers pulling uselessly at his zipper fly.

“Sev’rus…”

“Harry.”

Harry’s tongue peeked out the corner of mouth as he concentrated on his task, doubled over to get a better look at his fly.

Severus smirked, flicking his wand and removing the padlock hex on the boy’s zipper.

Eyes wide and glassy from the drink, Harry finally pushed the material open then looked over at Severus amusingly triumphant. “I got it!”

Severus snorted, moving over to make room for Harry to fling himself into the bed, and answered only to himself, And I got you.

Essential Phrases

Phrases over-used used by TGMs, it is recommended you ignore any statement beginning with:

“I want –”

“I need –”

“I think –”

Phrases to practice using when conversing with your TGM:

“No.”

“Shut up.”

“Don’t touch that.”

“Touch THAT.”

“Brat.”

“I said NO.”

“Take it.”

“Do as I say.”

“Harder.”

As a side note, when dealing with TGM the use of words with more than two syllables is discouraged, and put more frankly – is a waste of time.

Love

Though ill-advisable, falling in love with one’s TGM can prove to be unavoidable. It this occurs, it is imperative that you never let on. The knowledge will make them insufferable.

Love

Severus stormed through the house, robes sweeping behind him. “I did not say that.”

Harry followed behind him, too calm and much, much too smug, “You did, I heard you.”

“It hardly counts what I did or did not say when balls deep in that tight arse of yours.”

“It counts.”

“It does not count!”

“It does!”

Severus paused when he reached the kitchen, spinning around to point his wand at Harry, “Obliviate.”

Harry blinked, once, twice, then smiled sweetly, “Oh, hey Snape, what’s for supper?”

Endnote

TGMs are sublimely stubborn little things that require a firm hand, lots of discipline, and strict boundaries. Never, I repeat, never let them get the upper hand.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

“What’s that?”

Lucius deftly rolled up the scroll before lifting his eyes to the man-child standing rather boldly before him.

“A present from Severus.” Just the name of the despised Potion Master made Neville flinch. “What are you doing over here? Aren’t you worried your friends will suspect something?”

“No, it’s your party after all, no reason I shouldn’t come over and wish you a Happy Birthday. Besides, I can talk to anyone I wish, even you.” Neville stated almost belligerently. Of course, he ruined it a moment later with a worried, “Why? They’re not looking over here, are they?”

Lucius didn’t bother to answer, instead he murmured in a low tone, “Why don’t you tell them you’re going home early? Use the floo in the study and take it to my bedroom.”

Neville cheeks turned a bright red. “I think – ”

“Shh.” Lucius cut him off, thinking about how accurate Severus had been in his assessment of over-used phrases. But, for all his talk about rules and training and orders, Severus was missing one important tip about controlling a teenage Gryffindor male…

Lucius stood up and leaned down to whisper something in Neville’s ear. The boy was off in seconds, to talk quickly with his friends and then to leave by the floo. Lucius grinned to himself, yes punishments and rules had their place, but a well timed ‘Please’ worked wonders!