Shounen-ai: Yuki x Shuichi
Created 26th October 2004 - edited 14th July 2005.
Rated for mature content.
Lyrics from part of 'Anchor' by Lifehouse.

The male crept silently into the apartment, breathing a sigh of relief when he realised his lover was not at home. If he knew what was about to happen was going to do... well, he'd hate him for sure. But had no choice – he knew it was the only thing he could do. Ever since that night he'd felt so dirty, contaminated. There had been no way to express his humiliation, his shame at being used in such a way. Unable to face these feelings, he'd avoided his lover ever since, and now had decided to act on the only option he felt left open to him. He was no longer fit to live.

The male grabbed a knife from the kitchen and went to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He turned on the shower full blast in case his lover should come back, and knelt on the cold tiles. Closing his eyes, he held the knife over his wrists, tense and ready. The vocalist by the name of Shindou Shuichi prepared to die.

Yuki Eiri slammed the door behind him and collapsed on the couch, mentally planning what he would say to Shuichi that night. The normally genki singer had been withdrawn in the last few days, and completely avoiding the novelist, when he'd usually be begging for his attention.

"Shuichi..."

Yuki stopped, listening as he rigistered the pounding of water from the bathroom. His lover was in the shower, then – again. It had been like this for nearly a week, now; Shuichi would come home and jump straight in the shower, staying under the water for a while before Yuki hollered at him for bringing up the power bill yet again. And Shuichi would creep out, eyes downcast and skin a shade of pink from scrubbing as if to wash away something only he could see.

Of course, Yuki had acted like he hadn't noticed, but had decided tonight that enough was enough. He was getting seriously worried about his lover, and if Shuichi would not tell Yuki what was wrong, Yuki was just going to have to find out for himself.

I'll just ask him straight out… that way there'll be no dodging the question…

Resolved, Yuki stood up, glancing at the clock. Shuichi had already been in the shower for half an hour, and the writer, not a patient man at the best of times, took action. He strode over to the bathroom door and knocked loudly.

"Oi! Hurry up, gaki, I need to talk to you!"

There was no response from the bathroom. Yuki knocked again, impatient.

"Come on. Not funny any more – now turn off the shower!"

Still no answer. Yuki tried the door, cursing when he found it locked.

"Shuichi?"

"..."

"…Shuichi!"

Yuki began to grow alarmed.

"Answer me right now, Shuichi, or I'm coming in there whether you like it or not!"

When still this elected no reply, Yuki backed away and rammed the door once, twice, with his shoulder, and the fragile lock quickly snapped. Peering about through the steam, Yuki looked down and saw his feet were soaked from the overflowing water.

"What the hell… Shuichi!"

The blonde took two steps further, eyes now widened in shock as he saw a limp body on the ground, who stared straight ahead. A knife was clutched, gleaming in one hand, and both wrists ran scarlet.

Shuichi was floating away… he dimly registered the wetness running down his wrists, but it seemed so far away…

Vaguely, he wondered whether he should be feeling pain, or really any larger sensation at all. But after the first few seconds, it was like evrything ebbed away just as his blood was, and soon even that thought seemed unimportant.

But... Yuki...

This one thought strayed; Shuich made an effort to pin it down, but grew too tired to finish it. Then, the noise came. Distantly he seemed to hear a familiar voice, sharp first with anger, then with fear. The voice called his name, but Shuichi still stared straight ahead, somehow unable to respond. He felt a slight touch, and was aware of being lifted up and carried, and put down on something soft and warm. He was so numb, he couldn't feel anything at all now, it was all gone… but then he saw hands on his wrists, and pressing down hard on the ugly gashes that he himself had inflicted, and suddenly he could feel, all too well.

Pain crashed down on the boy, and he let out a yell and struggled wildly against the arms that now pinned him down, searing into his flesh like fire. But no matter how he thrashed and cried out to be let go, the grip stayed, until Shuichi stopped, exhausted, and began to sob.

Yuki was taken aback at Shuichi's struggle, but nonetheless relieved; for one awful, life-shattering moment, he had thought the worst as he saw Shuichi staring ahead so blankly.

He kept his grip as the singer thrashed wildly, then eventually broke down and sobbed out his pain. Yuki had seen Shuichi cry before, but not like this – not with such anguish and despair that shook his entire body and tore from his throat in wild, unrestrained chorus.

"Shuichi... its okay, just let me..."

But Shuichi did not listen, and buried his head within the blanket as if seeking to escape them, even as they smoothed his hair and stopped the flow of blood from his wrists.

Murmuring soft words of comfort meant to soothe himself as much as Shuichi, the singer eventually softened his cries to whimpers, and then to sniffles as he fell into deep slumber. Yuki frowned, but breathed a sigh of relief as he felt Shuichi's pulse; still quickened from his outburst.

He doesn't need the hospital... he only needs sleep.

The blonde got up and made sure Shuichi's wrists were securely wrapped in bandages before deciding what to next. Walking purposfully to the bathroom, threw layers of towels on the floor, leaving them to soak up both water and blood. He shut the door and locked it, not wanting Shuichi to go in there before everything was once again clean. In silence, he moved from room to room, turning off the lights. It somehow seemed quieter, more peaceful, as he turned off the last lamp beside his bed, and wrapped both arms around his lover. The more even breathing of Shuichi soothed him, and Yuki soon fell into a lighter doze.

It was completely dark when Shuichi awoke later that night. He felt Yuki's arms tight around him protectively, then with a crash remembered what he had done. Believing he had already cried his body dry, he was surprised to feel yet more tears slide down his face. He sniffed, then wiped them away, trying not to wake Yuki, asleep beside him. Yuki must have felt the slight movement, however, and his eyes snapped open. He tensed for a moment, then slid off the bed and turned on the lamp.

"Shuichi?"

The male in question made no reply, but averted his face, continuing to feel the tears wet and cool on his cheeks.

"Shuichi, look at me."

But Shuichi just squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

"Look at me!"

Shuichi opened his eyes an inch to find Yuki now standing right next to him with a piercing gaze.

"Now tell me, why did you do that? What made you do… this, to yourself?"

Yuki waited, the silence stretching between them.

"Answer me!"

"Yuki, I… I just…"

Yuki waited.

"I just felt so dirty!" blurted out Shuichi. "I didn't want to feel ashamed any more because now I'm dirty and I know I shouldn't even be here now and I'm worthless and I don't deserve to live after what happened and I knew you'd hate me if I – "

Slap!

Shuichi gasped in shock as he felt the reddened mark on his cheek where Yuki's hand had connected with it. He gave ta gasp as Yuki then bent down to gently kiss it.

"I could never hate you, Shuichi. Never! So don't you ever pull a stunt like that again, because I am not going to just sit there and watch as you destroy yourself!"

"Y-Yuki… you... you mean you care? But how can you after what happened? After what I did? Agter what he-"

"Understand this, Shindou Shuichi! You are loud, pesky, annoying, and you talk too much… and I will always love you, no matter what happens and no matter what stupid choices you decide to make! You got that?"

Shuichi nodded, lost for words at what Yuki, never one for showing emotion, had said.

"Okay… and now we have that sorted out, promise me you will never do this again."

The anger from his voice was gone; in its place there was only gentleness under the note of insistence.

Shuichi nodded once more.

"Say it."

"I promise, Yuki."

"Good."

"Yuki, I'm… I –"

Yuki let the hint of a smile appear.

"Shut up. Like I said, you talk too much."

Yuki kissed Shuichi gently on the mouth then, quelling any fears the singer might have about Yuki still being angry with him.

"Yuki…"

"I love you so much, I don't know what I would've done if –"

But now it was Yuki's turn to be shushed, as Shuichi pressed himself against the elder male and silenced his words with a deep kiss of his own, expressing his love in a way words never could.

"No more words, then. Just... sleep."

And surprisingly, Shuichi did, eyes heavy again almost immediately. Dawn found them hours later, lighting up the faces of one Shindou Shuichi and his lover, both blissfully asleep and entwined together as if to never let each other go.

- I know that I'll never be alone
You will never let me go
You are my anchor
Hold my hand
While I'm sinking in the sand
No-one else could understand
You are my anchor.