The Full Titus
Disclaimer: No one on Titus belongs to me.
(We hear footsteps. They stop by the side of a bare
lightbulb. A hand reaches up and pulls the string. But it isnt Christopher Titus we see, but rather Erin.
Erin: I know, I know, you're used to seeing Christopher. Well lets just say hes not quite ready to tell this story yet. (she
looks around the room) I don't know why he comes here, its dank,
dark...but with a womans touch; a curtain or maybe a nice throw rug...but I digress! (she sits down next to a video set up, a vcr and a tv.) This is the story on how I saw the real Papa Titus. The whole thing. (She presses play on the vcr)
(We see Ken Titus's house.)
Erin: Now, remember when Ken dumped Baroness Von Whackbag? I do! Anyway Papa Titus called us over to his place. He had discovered a few things left over. He had us come over to look it over, see if theres anything we wanted before he burned it in a pile in the backyard. In other words we were there to pick over a pile of bad shoes and ugly looking dresses.
Christopher: This would look good on you, honey. (holds up a bright yellow dayglow flower dress)
Erin: Oh yea, honey, we ought to hold on to that in case we ever run into 1967 again. (She takes the dress and tosses it aside.)
Erin: Long story, short version. We were leaving (tv shows Christopher, Dave and Tommy leaving with their share of the loot. Tommy has gathered up a strange looking pile of shower caps that Kathy had with her. Dave looks at him strangely, but doesnt say a word.) I wanted to go back for a pair of slipper socks I loved. Christopher said ok, and that he would wait. Anyway I went back into the house and got the socks. Thats when (closeup of Erins face) IT happened.
Erin: (Seen from Kens POV, she is looking at a pair of patchquilt socks.) Oh I'm sorry Papa Titus. I left something here. I hope I didn't interupt any...(she looks up) thing....(she freezes with a look of horror on her face) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Erin: Thats right. I saw Ken Titus, the father of my beloved Christopher, NAKED!!!
(We see Erin running out of the house, right past Christopher, Dave, Tommy and the truck.)
Dave: Wow, she must really want to try those socks on!
Christopher: (looks at him and follows Erin.) Go back and sort
out those shower caps with Tommy!
Dave: (goes back) Ok, but I get red!
Erin: After a block or two he caught up with me, and wanted to know what was wrong? Whats wrong? Oh man, how can I tell him? How to describe? Maybe this is part of what drove Juanita nuts, who knows?
(Again we see from Ken's POV, from his wedding night to Juanita, she stares at him and screams maniacally and runs through a wall, leaving a hole where She hit it.)
Erin: Not that I've never seen any naked guys before. My brothers used to have peeing contest out the back window all the time.
(We see Erins brothers, back to us facing the window.)
One brother: Betcha can't hit that squirrel!
Other brother: You're on!
Erin: But this is a whole other thing. I will see Papa Titus for the rest of my life if I marry Christopher. (she sighs) Ok I just have to tell him.
Erin: Well there is no way to say this so I will just blurt it out
really really fast. IwentbackinthehouseandIsawyourfathernaked!!!
Christopher: (stands there for a second. Thinks) Ok, what is really wrong honey?
Erin: (slaps her forehead)
Erin: So, as you can see, I now have to go back to the house to prove to Christopher, what happened, happened. (she makes a face) I'm ready now.
(back at the house)
Christopher: (knocks on the door) Hey dad! Come on out here!
Ken: (Comes to the door but does not open it) What do you want? I missing some valuable beer time here.
Christopher: Erin, my lovely lovely girlfriend, seems to have the cockeyed idea she saw you naked!
Erin: (thinks) I really wish he hadnt said "cock".
Ken: (Opens the door.) So? (He is in a bathrobe. It is obviously the only thing he is wearing.
Christopher: She did!
Ken: Thats what you get for not knocking, sweetheart. (He sips his beer) I don't see what the fuss is myself, she only saw who the real man of the Titus household is.
Dave: (puts his fingers through the beltloops of his pants.) Yeah, that's right.
Ken: I meant me, you idiot.
Ken: If there is nothing else you wanna yap about, I'm going back in. (he looks at Erin) As far as this goes? Don't be a wussy, get over it. (He goes back into the house and closes the door)
Erin: (stops the tape) Man, that was a quiet ride home. But you know what? If anything that proves if I can sit through nightmarish Thanksgiving turkeys, harpy girlfriends, and a naked future father in law, I can take anything that is thrown at me. (She looks up at the lightbulb) A nice shade would do well here. (she turns the light out.)