Author: mahaliem PM
In order to convince more people to join Dumbledore's side in the war, Ron decides that he and Harry should romantically pair off with Slytherins. Complete!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Ron W. & Harry P. - Chapters: 3 - Words: 10,829 - Reviews: 417 - Favs: 826 - Follows: 93 - Updated: 10-30-04 - Published: 10-28-04 - Status: Complete - id: 2112939
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Warnings: Slash, Sexual situations, Language
Pairing: Harry/Draco, Ron/Millicent
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters belonging to JK Rowling and various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: In hopes of convincing Voldemort supporters to change sides, Ron decides that he and Harry should pair off with Slytherins.
A huge thank you to my beta, fishsanwitt, for doing a terrific job with this story. Any errors that remain are mine and mine alone.
It was time, Ron decided, for him to start doing what he did best.
Harry and Hermione had been using their strengths to fight Voldemort. Harry was great at performing heroic deeds and Hermione was brimming with knowledge from books. What Ron was good at was strategy. Give him a chessboard and he could develop a plan for how to win. He just had to start thinking of the war with Voldemort as a game.
So Ron thought and thought and thought, and finally came up with a plan.
His plan was for Harry to get laid.
The idea had first come to Ron when he thought about kings and alliances against enemies. Quite a few alliances were sealed by a marriage. Ron didn't expect Harry to go that far, of course. A bit of shagging would probably do it.
But who should Harry shag?
First of all, it needed to be someone who would bring others to Harry's side. This eliminated quite a few people. Cho, who'd left Hogwarts at the end of last year, despite being popular and pretty, wouldn't add much to their roster of supporters. Neither would Hannah Abbot or Susan Bones.
Ron looked about the room. The Patils and Browns were already on their side. Ginny was out for the same reason. In the enemy camp were Pansy and Millicent. Both would be fairly good choices, especially Millicent, but neither would sway too many others to Harry's side with Malfoy spouting off against him.
At that moment, Seamus and Dean wandered in walking unusually close to one another, and Ron looked at them idly as he considered Harry's choices. Lately, Seamus and Dean had been complaining of rumours going around school that they were a couple. They both proclaimed it not to be true, but if they continued to look as if they were joined at the hip, what were people supposed to think?
Then it struck Ron that he'd eliminated a good number of possibilities without even considering them. Men. Harry could shag a guy.
Ron looked critically at Harry, who was currently muttering to himself as he kicked at the wall of the common room. He supposed Harry was good looking enough to attract most men. He was tall and didn't smell, except for after playing Quidditch. His hair was messy, but it was clean. The glasses weren't even that bad. He could definitely pull a bloke. But who?
Quickly, Ron eliminated all the Gryffindors. Terry Boot was bright, but wouldn't be too influential. The same for Justin Finch-Fletchley. Zacharias Smith was a distinct possibility. As for the Slytherins, the best possibility was...
Sitting up so suddenly that Harry looked away from where he was studiously still kicking the wall to see if anything was wrong, before returning to his task.
Despite the fact that he hated Draco, he had to admit that Malfoy was absolutely the perfect candidate. A good number of Slytherins followed his lead. Not only did he swing both ways, he'd recently broken up with a set of sixth year Slytherin twins, so he was available, too. As an added bonus, if Harry and Malfoy hooked up, it might even influence Malfoy's parents in Harry's favor. It'd have to be more than just a few shags for that to happen, though. Harry and Malfoy would have to be in love.
Could he do it? Ron thought. Could he get Harry and Malfoy together?
Ron looked at Harry, who'd kicked the wall so many times he'd managed to create a crack in the stone.
Yes, Ron decided, he could. He had to. All strategy aside, the boy definitely needed to get laid.
. .Chapter 1 – Opening Moves
"Don't even think it, Malfoy," Ron said, as he made his way toward the blonde in the corridor outside the Great Hall.
"Don't think what?" Draco asked, genuinely perplexed.
Ron closed the distance until he was less than a foot from Draco. "It's never going to happen."
"What are you talking about Weasley?"
"I saw the way you were looking at him during breakfast. He's not interested. He'll never be interested in you."
Turning on his heel, Ron stalked away from Draco, who watched him quizzically.
As Ron rounded the corner, he smiled. The first move of the game had been played.
Malfoy turned to Crabbe and Goyle. "See? I told you that acting like a do-gooder eventually rots the brain. That's why evil is the way to go."
Crabbe and Goyle solemnly nodded their agreement, once more impressed with Malfoy's vast array of knowledge.
- - - - -
"You know I'm your friend, don't you Harry?'
It had been a particularly exhausting Quidditch practice. The rest of the team had left earlier, dragging their brooms behind them, but Ron had asked Harry to run through one more play with him and Harry had agreed.
Now, as they walked back to Hogwarts, Ron broached the subject carefully. It wouldn't do for Harry to be frightened off.
"Of course I know you're my friend," Harry replied.
"And you know that you can tell me anything. That it won't make a difference to our friendship, right?"
"Then why didn't you tell me? Why'd you let me figure it out for myself?"
Stopping in his tracks, Harry stared at Ron. "Figure what out?"
"You know..." When Harry still looked blankly at him, Ron continued. "That you're gay."
"What?" Harry screeched.
"I'm so glad we're having this talk."
"I mean I was really worried that you wouldn't trust me," Ron said, quickly interrupting Harry. "I even thought that you might try to deny it or something."
Harry's mouth snapped shut.
"Sure wish you'd opened up before now, though, Harry. Think of all that time I spent talking about girls with you. But don't you worry. I fully intend to even things up."
Ron clapped Harry on the back. "So, mate, who do you think is the hottest guy at Hogwarts?"
When Harry let out a small groan, Ron ignored it.
- - - - -
"Give it up, Malfoy. He'll never have you," Ron sneered as he sidled up to the blonde during Potions while Snape was occupied containing the remains of Neville's latest disaster.
Draco glanced up from where he was stirring his potion and shook his head. "Not this again, Weasley. Do go and see Pomfrey soon. I only have so many enemies and would be heart-broken if one went insane before I had a chance to destroy him."
Scowling, Ron moved closer and hissed, "Harry will never shag you, no matter how much you stare at him."
"Potter? You've been talking about Potter?"
"No matter how many longing looks you send in his direction, no matter how many ploys you come up with, Harry will always reject you. You can't have him."
"Potter's gay? I never even suspected..." Draco's words trailed off and he was silent for a moment before he turned to focus his gaze on Ron. "Malfoys can have whomever they want."
"Even Harry. I mean Potter. And there's nothing you can do to stop me."
Ron glared at Draco. "We'll see about that."
This plan was working better than he thought it would.
- - - - -
"So," said Ron, plopping down on the chair next to where Harry sat hunched over a homework assignment in the library, "you never told me who you thought was the hottest boy at Hogwarts."
Harry scrunched down so that his lower half was in danger of sliding under the table. "I haven't really thought about it."
"Oh, come on. You must've noticed someone you thought was hot."
"I don't know... maybe Oliver Wood?"
Ron leaned back in his chair and thought for a moment. "I suppose some might fancy him. Good looking, athletic, got those Quidditch muscles in the legs and arse."
Harry smiled a little half-heartedly. "Not everyone who plays Quidditch develops like that."
"Some do. You've got them. So does Malfoy." Ron straightened up and looked at Harry intently. "You don't fancy Malfoy, do you?"
"Why would you even think that?" asked Harry. "You know we hate one another."
"Well, he's got those muscles and he's all lean and dangerous. And despite the fact that he's a total git, he's sometimes funny. He's smart enough to get Hermione worried that she'll lose her top rank in classes. He's also kind of... pretty."
Harry blinked rapidly. "Ron," he said slowly, "are you gay?"
"No. Of course not. I've got eyes, though."
"Harry, do me a favor. I don't really care who you fall for, just don't let it be Malfoy. That's my one rule – not Malfoy."
Harry smiled. "I guarantee that you don't have anything to worry about, Ron."
Ron grinned back. If there was one thing Harry could never resist doing, it was breaking a rule.
The plans with Harry and Draco were falling into place. Ron wished he could figure out a way to finagle Hermione into seeing Smith from Hufflepuff, but figured she was too smart. She'd see through it in a minute.
Ron could, however, do the same thing he was tricking Harry into doing. He could convert an enemy into an ally. He might not be the best looking fellow, but he was tall and had more than his share of muscles. He wasn't the brightest, but he didn't misspell his own name like Crabbe and Goyle did, or should he said Crabi and Goil. Ron knew he could do it. He only had to try.
- - - - -
During Care of Magical Creatures, Ron took a deep breath and stepped closer to his Slytherin prey. The object of his pursuit had wandered some distance away from the rest of the group, so privacy was ensured.
He was given a snarl in reply. Dredging up a smile, he tried again to communicate. "Nice weather we're having, isn't it?"
This time, the snarl was accompanied by a show of teeth.
This wasn't as easy as he thought it would be. Straightening his spine, he tried again. "You're looking well."
Millicent Bulstrode gave him a glare that was so effective that Ron took several steps back before he even realised he was doing it. "What's that supposed to mean?" she growled, while closing the distance between them, fists clenched and at ready.
"Nothing. I just meant that your robes are nice and... and black. And that's a lovely decoration you have on it."
Her brow furrowed. "Decoration? You mean the Slytherin crest? The crest all Slytherins have on their robes?"
"Right," Ron stammered. "It's quite... um... snaky."
"Have you been knocked on the head lately, Weasley?"
"Are you trying to be?"
Ron hastily took a few more steps backward. "No."
"Then get lost."
As Millicent turned her back on him, Ron knew it was time to use his secret weapon.
"I know where there's a stray cat."
- - - - -
Ron stumbled for the third time and bit back a curse. His companion, for all her bulk, moved smoothly in the dark and he decided it must be a genetic gift. She was most likely a product of generations of Slytherins who did evil, nasty things on moonless nights and they'd developed the ability to move around without bumping into things.
And why did they have to keep it so bloody dark, anyway? It had totally ruined his plan.
He'd told her of the scrawny orange stray he'd seen lurking around the broom shed, in an attempt to let her get to know him. In anticipation of sweeping her off her feet with his attention to her, he'd worn his best robes and put on smelly stuff that Bill swore would entice any female. Harry had teased him about having a hot date and Hermione had given him a speculative look as he'd left the common room, but neither had managed to get him to tell whom he was meeting.
It was only when he arrived at the appointed spot that he realised he'd badly miscalculated.
Millicent told him that his robes were making too many swishy sounds and that she hoped his smell didn't frighten off the kitty. Worst of all, she refused to let him use Lumos so he could see where he was going. And he looked darn good in wandlight. It made his freckles disappear and darkened his hair so that it wasn't so red.
But Millicent didn't seem interested in him at all. She was interested in the cat.
"Are you sure it's here, Weasel?" muttered Bulstrode, as they rounded the back of the shed. "You didn't just make it up to get me out here alone, 'cause if you did I'm going to pound you so hard--"
"It's here. Somewhere," Ron stammered.
"It'd better be."
Reaching into a pocket, Millicent pulled out a paper wrapped packet. When she opened it up, Ron could see pieces of beef from the evening meal.
"Why are you eating a snack?"
Even in the dim light he could see Millicent rolling her eyes. "I didn't realise Granger went for such stupid boys."
"She doesn't," Ron said indignantly on his friend's behalf. And she and I – we aren't like that. A few moments passed, before Ron added, "And I'm not stupid."
By that time, Millicent had laid out the meat and created a caging spell around it so that the animal could enter to get to the bait but couldn't escape. Straightening up, she nodded her approval then began to walk off, grabbing Ron by an elbow and dragging him with her.
"So, now what?" he asked.
"We wait." She pushed him hard and he fell into a patch of deep grass With a grunt, she plopped down on her stomach next to him. "I've spelled the beef so that the aroma is stronger and spreads out farther than it normally would," she explained.
Ron studied her. "How many times have you done this?"
"Do it all the time back home. The real trick is finding a family that will take a stray in as a pet."
"Do you ever keep it for yourself?"
"Can't. My dad said he'd kill me if I brought another mangy animal home."
At Ron's questioning look, she sighed and answered the unspoken question. "At current count, I have nine cats, two dogs, three snakes, five rats, and a squirrel."
"Since we live near a Muggle town, he won't let me keep anything magical. Stupid Muggles."
Ron opened his mouth to ask another question, but there was a rustle in the bushes, and Millicent clamped a large hand across his mouth, silencing him.
The rustling grew closer and Ron would've been interested in looking, but he was too busy trying to breathe. Millicent's hand was blocking his air.
The stray crept closer and closer to the trap. In the meantime, Ron was thrashing, positive that he was going to suffocate.
Sniffing the air, the cat moved a few steps toward the bait. Ron was beginning to turn blue.
Slowly the cat moved closer, finally nosing the beef, and the caging spell activated, glowing pink in the night.
Millicent removed her hand and Ron sucked in a deep breath. He stayed where he was while Millicent went to get the cat and was still gasping when she returned with the creature clutched in her arms.
"Ooh, poor baby," she murmured.
"Thanks," Ron said weakly.
"I wasn't talking to you."
Ron looked up to where she was stroking the cat, scratching under its chin, causing it to purr loudly. "Right." He sighed and slowly got to his feet. "Let's head back."
They were almost at the castle when Nott and two sixth year Slytherins stepped out of the shadows.
"Look what we have here, boys," Nott drawled to his companions. "It seems we've finally found a guinea pig for a those hexes we just learned."
"You're not touching my cat," Millicent said, her voice harsh.
"Your cat?" Nott shook his head. "I wasn't talking about the cat. I meant the Weasley."
"Oh." Millicent shrugged. "You can have him if you want."
"What?" Ron shouted. He watched as Millicent, the stray still tucked into her protective arms, strode past Nott and the other Slytherins, abandoning him.
Ron gulped. It wasn't easy being on Dumbledore's side in this war. Especially since it meant seducing Millicent Bulstrode.
As he dodged a hex aimed his way, he wondered if there were any openings in the Death Eaters.
- - - - -
"What's wrong?" Harry asked as they sat at the breakfast table the next morning. "You keep staring at the Slytherins. Did they do something to you?"
Ron shook his head. "They tried, but I fought them off. Those Slytherins are an underhanded bunch of gits, aren't they?"
"You're telling me. They sneak up on you when you least expect it, haul you into some dark corner, then start doing things. Things you've only read about. Things you couldn't believe people actually do."
"Things that make your heart thump like mad and shivers go up and down your spine."
"And then, just when you think you'll explode, they smirk, and walk off. Like it was nothing. Like it didn't mean--"
"Harry!" Ron shouted.
Harry looked at Ron, and then turned a bright shade of red.
"At least that's what I've been told they do," Harry mumbled.
Ron snuck a peek at Malfoy, who seemed to be so busy staring avidly at Harry that he wasn't noticing what Pansy was doing to his robes.
"Look at him," Ron said. "Look at the way Malfoy uses Pansy."
Pansy was now running her hand up and down Malfoy's chest. Malfoy's eyes, however, were locked on Harry's. Ron suspected he hadn't noticed that Pansy was even sitting next to him.
"Someone should teach him a lesson about using people for his own pleasure."
Eyes still on the Slytherin, Harry licked his lips. "Yes, someone should."
Knowing that his work there was done for the day, Ron let his gaze fall on Millicent. She was currently wrapping several sausages in a napkin and sticking them in the pocket of her robe. It occurred to Ron that she was getting food for the cat.
Quickly looking about the Gryffindor table, he spied one last sausage and snapped it up before Neville, who was reaching for it, could take it. Wrapping it up in his own napkin, he stuck it in his pocket.
When he saw Millicent get up to leave, he said good-bye to Harry and headed for the door. By the time he exited the Great Hall, she was halfway down the corridor and he was forced to hurry to catch her.
"Millicent. Wait up."
She turned and scowled at him. "What do you want, Weasley?"
He stumbled to a halt and gave her his best smile. Her expression didn't change.
"I just wanted to tell you I had a nice time last night."
"What was your favorite part, Weasley? Almost falling on your face in the dark? Or having to run from Nott and his gang?"
He gave her his best seductive look that he'd practiced in the mirror during fourth year when he had a crush on Fleur. "It was being with you."
If anything, her scowl became more pronounced.
Ron reached into his pocket. "So... do you want my sausage?"
"What?" Millicent said, looking shocked, followed closely by anger.
"My sausage. Figured after last night, you could use it."
The fist that knocked him to the floor seemed to come out of nowhere.
It was only as Ron lay on the floor, watching Millicent march away that he realised he could've phrased that last bit better. Trust a Slytherin to always give everything a dirty interpretation.
- - - - -
That night Ron sat on the couch in the Gryffindor Common Room looking glum when Harry came downstairs.
"I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me out," Harry asked. "I'm learning a few new spells and want to get them right."
"Sure. What do you want me to do?"
Harry thought for a moment, and then pointed to the entryway. "Stand over there, then walk toward me, like we're passing each other in the hall."
Rising to his feet, Ron did as Harry directed. They were almost next to each other when Harry raised his wand and Ron was slammed back against the wall.
"Hey, that hurt," he said, rubbing his head.
"Sorry." Harry raised his wand again and Ron's arms shot above his head, pinning themselves to the wall.
"So... why are you practicing these spells, anyway?" Ron asked.
Pink tinged Harry's skin. "For... for fighting Voldemort, of course. You never know what might come in handy."
"Oh." Ron thought for a moment. "Harry, how would you go about romancing a girl?"
Harry shrugged. "Usual way, I guess. Let her sob all over me about her last boyfriend."
With the next spell, Ron's legs were spread and bound to the wall, as well.
"But how do you suppose a girl might want to be romanced?"
"Don't know. Flowers and candy, maybe?"
There was another flourish of Harry's wand and Ron's robe and shirt disappeared, leaving him clad only in his trousers.
"To make sure Voldemort and his Death Eaters don't have any hidden weapons or potions on them," Harry explained hurriedly.
Ron didn't like the way Harry was eyeing the remainder of his clothes.
"Can we just assume that spell will work on my trousers without actually trying it out?" Ron suggested.
Looking up, Harry nodded. "Just have one last spell to practice." Another wave of the wand. This time, Ron didn't notice anything different.
"Did it work?" Ron asked.
"You tell me." Harry came closer and touched Ron lightly on the arm. Ron bucked in reaction. "Sensitivity spell," Harry explained with a smile.
"Oh, right." Ron said, still quivering. "Now that one ought to do Voldemort in."
A few minutes later, as Ron dressed, he sent a sympathetic thought winging toward Malfoy. The git had no idea what he was in for.
- - - - -
Ron watched as Pigwidgeon flew into the Great Hall during breakfast and winged his way toward the Slytherin table. With great difficulty and much fluttering of feathers, he made his way to Millicent where he dropped a package on her plate.
For a moment she stared at it suspiciously, poking it a few times with her wand. As a good number of Slytherins eyed her, she unwrapped it to reveal a box of chocolates from Honeydukes.
Ron was quite proud of himself as he observed the reaction from the Slytherin table. Pansy was almost drooling over it, as she should.
He could see Millicent opening the card he'd included. When she stood up, holding his gift and made her way toward him, he preened. The box of chocolates had certainly done the trick.
Therefore he was quite surprised to feel the box slam down on his head, sending the sweets spilling out, causing a chain reaction of students leaping to try to catch them before they fell to the floor.
"I'm on a diet, Weasley," spat Millicent, as she huffed back to her seat.
"You gave her chocolates?" asked Hermione disbelievingly.
"She's the one you're interested in? Harry's eyes were wide.
He'd spent a good portion of his savings on that candy. Now almost all the Slytherins were laughing at him. The exception was Pansy, who was too busy mourning the loss of chocolate.
Ron stared at Millicent determinedly. She stuck her tongue at him. When he blew a kiss at her in return she blinked a few times before focusing on her breakfast.
"All's fair in love and war," Ron stated quietly.
"It's love?" sputtered Harry. "Or is it war?"
Hermione looked thoughtful. "I suppose since the object of his affection is Millicent Bulstrode, there might not be much difference between the two."