Pickle Wars

Disclaimer: Do I own Wild ARMs 3? No…but it’s only a matter of time.

A/N: Again, it’s been a while since I have updated this thing. Fooorgiiiive meeee! My humor muse was gone for what I thought was forever! But alas! He has returned to me!

Chapter Notes: So after realizing I was much too late for a Christmas/Holiday special, I converted to Valentine’s Day. Hoorah for randomness! Hoorah for fics birthed from chocolate highs!

Chapter 5: Roses are Red, Pickles are Green (Pt.1)

“Wtf is that naked baby doing, flying around with a weapon!” Santo instantly spat exasperatedly upon shooing away fat-ass pigeons he was feeding from the bench. (Pigeons that hangout in front of pubs DO tend to be extra fat). He blinked in awe as the ‘naked baby’ caught his gaze.

“I am not a baby, nor am I naked!” snapped the strange winged being. It was almost as chubby as the pigeons, rolls of fat hanging over its heart-decorated diaper. It fluttered down next to Santo, red and pink coordinated bow and arrow in hand. “I’m cupid!” it said gleefully hovering by his shoulder “And I will help you find true lo-“

“You’re not cupid.” Scoffed Santo snatching the bow and arrow away in one swift movement, jumping to his feet and sending the baby hurling into the sky with one of his infamous (and well-rehearsed) flying kicks. “You’re stupid!” And with a star-like twinkle in the sky, Stupid was gone.

Santo smirked slinging the arrows over his back and clutching the bow. “Happy day oh happy day.” He hummed walking towards the jail, a demonic smile plastered on his lips.

“Time for some ruckus.”

Taku moaned hungrily pulling desperately at the bars for escape, glancing at the sign angrily. “I wasn’t gonna eat the kid…” he sighed. He heard Clive chuckle whole-heartedly.

As it turns out, Clive’s original ‘escape plan’ was far too difficult for Taku to comprehend, so Clive (not wanting to leave this strange new ally behind) came to develop a new plan; he would stealthily climb through the cell window and return with bail money for Taku. Taku’s only order was to stay put.

Taku watched the familiar green-haired drifter clumsily collapse through the window, disappearing from sight.

“Bring back pickles!” whispered Taku urgently, trying not to wake the guard.

Clive whispered a burbled ‘okay’, and Taku was alone. He sighed leaning away from the bars.

Virginia sighed. She loved Valentine’s Day.

Jet sighed. Such a holiday was meaningless.

Jet propped his feet on the table, nearly knocking over the festively placed rose-in-vase. Virginia caught it quickly in its descent.

“Jet!” she snapped, sending a scolding glare his way. He scoffed, removing his feet from the counter. Virginia giggled suddenly.

“At least the pink dye makes your hair festive…”

Jet twitched, pulling the hat (he had stolen it right off a little train boy’s head) more snugly around his face.

“Whatever.”

“Aww c’mon….lighten up!” Virginia giggled springing out of the chair, throwing her arms in the air.

Suddenly, a delighted yelp was heard, followed by the familiar stampeding heavy steps of a certain familiar somebody…

“OMFG I AM BACK IN THE STORY!” Pimpweed yelled.

“Ah, what’s wrong with my name!” exclaimed Pimpweed and his little chat box with portrait pops up onto the screen, his expression picture one of shock and disgust.

Everyone looked around, as a loud rumbling noise shook the roof over-head, and the sky turned pitch black, and a voice recognizable to only Pimpweed boomed around them:

‘Tis I, AnimeGoddessS. Yes, Pimpweed you have returned to the story, but it was at the cost of your original name.

“This sucks…” Pimpweed sighed, gloom clouds hovering by his shoulder. He glanced over to his friends as the light returned, and the booming voice drifted away. He laughed hysterically.

“Well, at least my hair’s not pink!”

“Welcome back Pimpweed!” chirped Virginia, embracing the big oaf in a tackle-like hug.

“Please don’t call me that…” He sighed.

“But it’s you name!” she gasped surprised.

He smacked his forehead in exasperation.

Jet propped his feet back up on the table as Tristan and Liana made their way down the stairs.

“Morning Spanky!” called Tristan jumping off the bottom two stairs. “I see your friend is back! What was your name? Pimpweed was it?”

Pimpweed twitched and nodded not wanting to be banned from the story again.

“And a Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!” Tristan added, throwing heart shaped confetti (he had drawn from out of nowhere) into the air as Liana shook her head disgusted shoving past him.

“He’s really into this whole ‘Holiday’ thing every since we missed Christmas.” Sighed Liana flipping consecutively through Pickle Wars chapters, “We need to increase our output…” she murmured to herself.

“We were just about to go visit Taku up at the jail! The sheriff says he’ll be out in another 3 months, but we figured that he didn’t wanna be lonely on Valentine’s Day.” At this Tristan threw more confetti into the air “Have any of you seen Santo?”

Virginia shook her head solemnly, and her ears perked up suddenly. “We should go visit Clive!” she squeaked clapping her hands together. Pimpweed nodded in agreement clapping his hands in unison with her,

Jet scoffed, shrugging indifferently.

“We should eat breakfast first…” suggested Pimpweed patting his growling stomach. Virginia agreed, spinning around in hyper circles as Tristan threw more confetti. They laughed in random celebration of breakfast.

Liana and Jet sighed.

They needed new friends.

“Please! Don’t shoot! I swear I won’t go anywhere near him! You can even have the key!” stuttered the sheriff at the mercy of Santo’s arrow, handing him the key.

Santo smirked lowering the bow and snatching the key from the shaking guard’s hand. He shoved passed him and kneeled in front of Taku’s dank cell.

“Hey Taku…” he growled upon seeing his seated friend, dangling the key just outside the bars.

Taku smiled brightly at seeing Santo.

“You came to bust me out!” He cried gleefully.

“Not quite…” smirked Santo pocketing the key. Taku frowned uncertainly.

“Santo, what are you doing? Let me out of here, people keep coming in here and pointing and laughing at me.”

“Listen…do yano what day it is?” Hummed Santo, paying no mind to Taku’s confused pleas for escape. Taku shrugged looking quizzically at his friend. “It’s Valentine’s Day.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Shrieked Taku happily.

“Shaddup.”

“Okay.”

“’Member last Valentine’s Day?” whispered Santo. Taku shrugged, and thought for a moment.

“Oh yeah!” He finally spurted. “You and I had a bet to who would get the most stuff!”

Santo nodded, glaring at him.

“I won, didn’t I?” asked Taku straining to remember.

“By a landslide.”

“Oh yeah. I totally owned your ass.”

“Well not this year!” Yelled Santo. “With you locked in this jail cell, and me shooting everyone who comes in five inches of you, I am bound to win!” he laughed. “But remember…” he concluded, “It’s all in good fun.”

With this he took aim at the highly confused guard, shooting and running maniacally out of the building. The guard stumbled backwards for a second, clutching his chest where the arrow was, closing his eyes as Santo rushed past. In a matter of seconds, the red and pink arrow disintegrated and the sheriff opened his eyes. He glanced at Taku, flushing pink and speaking with an uncharacteristically bubbly tone.

“I was made for loving you, baby!”

Taku’s eye twitched in horror and he scooted quickly away from the edge of the bars.

Santo perched atop the jail roof with one thing in mind: Death to all who go near Taku!

“I WILL win this year…”he chuckled, aiming what he thought was a deadly weapon at random townspeople walking into the jail for a friendly visit with the sheriff. He shot all three of them and laughed as they stumbled into the jail clutching their pierced hearts.

How could he possibly know that their hearts were pierced with love?

Taku scooted into the corner of his cell as the three random townspeople and the sheriff crowded around his jail cell, professing their love for him.

“Man, I hate Valentine’s Day.” He concluded.

“We should celebrate breakfast more often!” sighed Virginia joyfully pushing her empty plate away and stretching her arms.

Tristan sluggishly threw more confetti in the air, too full of breakfast essentials to move much more.

Pimpweed burped loudly ready for more, fastening his napkin around his neck as the waitress brought out his 237218903706th helping.

Liana grabbed Tristan by the arm, politely excusing herself.

“We really gotta go visit Taku…” she said lugging Tristan (who had dead-weighted himself in an attempt to just stay at the table) to the door.

Virginia nodded; glancing at Pimpweed (who was still eating and showing no signs of stopping) then glanced to Jet.

She took him awkwardly by the arm.

“Wanna come with me to come visit Clive?” she asked shyly, wringing her napkin in her lap with her free hand.

Jet shrugged.

“Wanna come with me to come visit Clive?” she asked again softly.

Jet shrugged.

“Wanna come with me to come visit Clive?” she asked again.

Jet shrugged.

“Wanna come with me to come visit Clive?” she asked again.

Jet shrugged.

“Wanna come with me to come visit Clive?” she asked again.

Jet shrugged.

“JUST GO WITH HER!” screamed Pimpweed spraying bits of food over the two of them.

“Whatever.” Jet agreed. Virginia skipped cheerfully out of the restaurant a reluctant Jet following her.

END PART 1

Author’s Notes: This wasn’t originally supposed to be in ‘parts’… but I felt the strong urge to update at least relatively close to Valentine’s Day and it’s taking me a lot longer to type up this concept than I thought. The rest of it is coming soon! I promise! Hope I made ya smile! Sarah

Pickles are green

Happy Valentine’s Day

From Betsy and me!

(‘Me’ as in Sarah…)