Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl belongs to Eoin Colfer, not me.

This was not how Artemis wanted to spend his free time.

Not at all.

A fat little girl pulled on the edges of his coat. "I want a biscuit!" she whined. "Gimme a biscuit, Mad Hatter!"

"You've had quite enough biscuits already," Artemis snapped. "The buttons on your dress are about to pop off." The little girl burst into noisy tears and ran away.

"Now, Artemis, you ought to be nicer," Juliet warned. She cleared away several delicate child-sized teacups, the skirts of her red and white costume gown swishing. "It's your little sister's birthday, and she ought to have a good time."

"If Polly thinks this is a good time, I still have a great deal to teach her," Artemis scowled. He tugged on the black and white checkered waistcoat. "When I turned five, Mum and Dad took me to the opera."

"Yes, well, Polly's a great deal more fun than you are," Juliet said. She smiled fondly. "Look at her, holding court like a little queen. Seems only yesterday she was learning to walk."

Artemis followed her gaze. Polly sat on their mother's lap opening presents, dressed in a blue and white Alice in Wonderland costume. Her dark hair made a pretty contrast to the outfit. Artemis found himself smiling. She had grown up so much already.

"Oh, I see that look, Artemis Fowl," Juliet said. "You're just as much wrapped around that child's little finger as Butler is."

"I'm not as bad as Butler," Artemis argued. If Artemis felt ridiculous in the green, black, and white Mad Hatter costume, at least he wasn't as silly as Butler in white rabbit ears and a red waistcoat. But then again, no one was teasing Butler- no one teases a massive Eurasian man trained in several forms of martial arts, even if he is wearing bunny ears.

Juliet adjusted her small wire crown. "Perhaps, but then again…" She sashayed down the garden path to the house, balancing the dishpan on her hip.

Artemis felt a small pair of arms fling around his neck. "Oh, Awty," Polly sighed. "This is the best out of all of my birthdays."

"This is only your fifth one, silly," Artemis said.

Polly blinked. "But it is the best one so far," she said. She was beginning to learn some of her 'r' sounds.

"Be as it may," Artemis said. "I have another present for you."

"Another?" Polly breathed. "Awty!"

Artemis reached into the pocket of the green tailcoat and pulled out a small black velvet box. "Open it," he said.

He wished he had had a box more suited to a fairy gift, but there was nothing quite right for it. Polly pried the lid off, her small face scrunching in concentration. "Pretty!" she cried.

"It's also practical," Artemis added.

Polly looked up, exasperated. "Awtemis, I am five years old," she said. "I don't care about pwactical."

"That's true," Artemis sighed. Polly lifted the locket out of the small box. Dangling on the silver chain was a round flat locket, the front covered with a milky iridescent stone that might, to the untrained eye, resemble an opal. Artemis's eyes were quite trained, however, and the streaks of silver and blue running through the creamy jewel were clearly unearthly.

"Put it on me, Awty, please," Polly begged.

Artemis did so, his fingers fumbling slightly with the minuscule clasp. Foaly had designed that as well; it was small but completely unbreakable. "This is very, very special Polly," he said. "If you are ever in trouble, bite down on that, and…and help of some kind will come to you."

Polly studied it, squinting. "Like if I can't reach the top shelf?" she inquired. "Or I fall down?"

"No, no, Polly, not like that," Artemis said. He picked his sister up, holding her tightly against him. "Only if…if something were to happen to Butler, or Juliet, or Mummy or Daddy or…or me. If you were all alone, and scared, and away from home. Only then. You understand?"

Polly nodded solemnly. "I will take extreme caution," she said.

Artemis felt her quick child-heartbeats against his chest. He suddenly hugged her tightly; she twined her small arms around his neck. "Good girl, Polly," he whispered. "Good girl."

Author's Notes:

Bahahaha, Artemis dressed up as the Mad Hatter.

Also, if anyone draws a picture of Butler as the White Rabbit, I may very well pee myself from laughing.