Disclaimer: Mine! All mine! Screw Disney! I want it! But they can have it back after I've finished toying with it…

We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack And Will

Chapter Nine: Purple-Swirly Sky and the Appreciation of Slash.

Well then with all the ends tied nicely up, decided the author, it's time to end with a wedding… But Megan having rejected Jack Sparrow –

"That's Captain Jack Sparrow to you missy!" interrupted Jack, over Ella's disbelieving wails of "Madness! Madness!" (so stricken was she at the amount of rejection Jack had received so far today).

- But Megan having madly rejected Captain Jack Sparrow, the question was who would be wed, to put a sweet bow on top of this nicely wrapped up tale –

"Excuse me?" interrupted the (genderless) Unnamed Critic "Nicely wrapped up? So far you haven't explained any of your bizarre and seemingly pointless plot devices!"

"Hehe, whoops, right you are…" said the Author. And henceforth went about resolving some of the many question marks that littered her idiot ramble of a fanfiction. First, the question of what the hell was going on with Norrington.

Coming up from their underground (quoi?) hiding place below decks to join the party, Norrington and Cotton appeared looking shifty. Jack gave a start "What the bleeding hell are ye' doin' on me ship?" he asked Norrington accusingly. And Norrington blushed "Well you see…" he began, but apparently the Captain didn't see, and held a blade beneath Norrington's chin.

"Now, can't we discuss this like gentlemen … ?" said Norry, arms in the air in the classic 'please-don't-kill-me' gesture. "You see I'm not here by choice at all really … I am but a slave, a slave to love!"

"Oh for christ's sake!" swore Elizabeth, but Hannah had already cottoned on to the fact that this little plot twist may not involved dear Liz at all, and henceforth decided – with dearest Bryony missing in action until the sequel at least – she needed to summon someone else with a suitably slashy mind to appreciate this less then obvious character development. "By the power invested in my as author of this fic," cried to author, casting her arms to suddenly swirling blackening heavens "I command the fates to bring Luana to me!" A flash of lightening came down from the purply-swirly sky and hit the deck (lawl), and when it was gone, a dark emo figure stood in its place.

"Oh for yaoi's sake, I'm not a goddamn emo!" said Luana for the thousandth time "I just own a pair of black jeans!"

"I know," said the Author "it's just fun to mock you, Lulu-chan."

"And my name isn't fucking Lulu either. Sounds like a goddamn dancing bear or something."

Apparently the purple-haired girl was less then thrilled to have been transported by lightening to an unnamed destination by this unnamed 'Author'. But then she saw her fellow choir geeks, Hannah, Ella, and libs, and was cool with it. Then she spied the four hot Johnny Depp incarnations and was very much cool with the whole situation.

"So what's the deal, where are we?" she asked.

"First potsy movie." Supplied the ever helpful Hannah

"First?"

"Author started writing this before the sequels came out."

"I remember that!" said Megan "Back when the fic was still first person narrative!"

"Shh!" said the author "I'm hoping the reader's have forgotten about that!"

"I would think it was Dramatic Narrative now, because the author doesn't go inside any of the characters heads, however she does sometimes write herself in … which would mean it's still technically first person … but she's the author, not a character…"

Megan began to get confused little stars encircling her head, and gave up trying to analyse this fic like it was actually literature. Because, really, really, it's not.

"Could you stop bringing more of these bratty little lasses onto me ship and get back to dealin' with the matter at hand, that being the less then welcome presence of this here navy dingbat on me beloved Pearl." Without removing the tip of his sword from under Norrington's pale (and getting paler by the minute) neck, Jack took a knife from his belt and waved it in Author's general direction in a drunken but threatening manner "meep" said the Author and nodded vigorously.

"My presence on this ship," said Norrington pompously (once a pompous git, always a pompous git) "can be explained by this man here." He said, putting an arm around Cotton's shoulders. As Hannah had rightly guessed, Luana clicked on immediately, "Woah," she said "that's just nasty."

"Now wait just one blessed minute," said Jack "I was of the thinking that this man was a mute and as such can't be expected to explain a damn thing. 'Specially now 'is parrot's one o' the dearly departed – bless his soul."

"I didn't mean literally you ill-bred twit."

"This ill-bred twit 'ho's holdin' a blade to ye' lilly white throat, Mr. Norrington?"

Norrington was silent for a moment, and Jack took that as acknowledgement of his superiority (but let's face it, Jack would take a slap to the face as an acknowledgement of his superiority) and spared the over-powdered dweeb his life.

"Hey, Jack" said Shiky from her emo corner "I thought you said last chapter that you were gonna be emo with me."

"Oh yeah," said Jack "Because of the heartbreaking rejection I suffered from the swear-queen love of my life."

He inspected his wrists for a moment, but found that they were so full of various battle-scars, punishment brands and tattoos that there simply wasn't any room for self-mutilation. "Sorry love, but I think I'd rather drink myself into oblivion instead – now where's me rum?" He wandered off down the decks to find his precious rum, leaving Shiky to do a solo act as the token emo in the corner. And Norrington and Cotton to announce their intentions to the rest of the room. (Deck, ship, whatever.)

"We are in love, you see, and plan to be wed."

"Eww!"

"Why?"

"Aww, I love weddings!"

"That's seriously wrong…"

"But what about Bry?" asked Hannah "Didn't you screw her?"

"Aaah, about that – no."

All the little pieces of Bryony in the sharks stomach rested in peace, finally, with the knowledge, that no, she did not have any involvement with Norrington.

"So what did happen?" Hannah wasn't going to let him get away that easily.

"Well you see, she … found out … about us. We wanted to keep it a secret until it could be revealed in the final chapter as a finishing plot twist. She caught us – red handed, as it were, and she came in, and asked for advice for writing her fanfiction. She wanted to know if some of the slash she had written was physically possible or not… And then she passed out on the bed. And when she woke up and assumed – well – what I suppose most people would assume when they wake up next to someone with no recollection of the night before … I let her think that, so that our secret didn't get out."

"And Cotton's parrot, he would have broken your little story too, I suppose?" Shiky came dramatically out from the shadow, blood marks on her wrists and mascara dripping artfully down her cheeks, both eyes narrowed at Norrington. Norrington's gaze dropped to the floor.

"Yes. Yes he would. I admit it. I killed the Parrot."

There was a resounding gasp from all on board! And all the readers gasped out loud too because they were highly emotionally involved with the fanfic they were reading! And Cotton looked at his lover with shock in his eyes, wondering how he could ever trust him again. "I did it for us!" cried Norrington, pleadingly. But Cotton simply walked away without saying a thing. (Understandable really, being mute and all).

"Well that wedding's not going to happen…" said Megan "So who's getting married now?"

Luckily, the perfect ending was saved, as from the corner, Jack's voice came echoing "Darling! Will you marry me?"

Everyone whipped around to see who it was he was talking to … silence echoed throughout the ship, as all on board discovered the identity of Jack's bride to be. Some crickets chirped. A ball of tumble weed rolled across the deck and fell off the other side again with a faint splash. And Jack's 'Darling' made no reply. Of course, this was mainly because Jack's Darling was totally incapable of replying. Being an inanimate object and all. Namely a barrel of rum.

But Jack married his barrel of rum anyway, despite it's lack of consent. (Pirate's aren't really bothered about little things like consent (ooer, that's really dodge).) It was a beautiful wedding, the groom wore chocolate dip (not really with his consent, but Ella's much like a pirate in that respect), the bride wore oak, and big black letters saying ME RUM.

"We're assuming of course, that the barrel of rum is female." Pointed out Hannah.

"Send!" said Luana, with great delight, an exclamation which loosely translates as "Whee, gayboys!"

A shout was heard from above, breaking up the joyous wedding party. One of Jack's minions in the crow's nest had spotted land at last. (The pointless running away from Megi's swearing had set them far adrift and quite lost indeed.) They drew up to the strange port, with it's glowing mountainsides and boats fashioned after the shapes of swans. Hannah leaned to an excitable Jennifer and said what they were both thinking "My dear, I don't think we're in the Caribbean anymore…"

Thereby leaving room for an exciting sequel.

THE END

(ish)