It hurts alot when you’re without someone for so long.

I realize now that I was just deluding myself. I could point fingers, and blame you for it all. I could blame you for making me cry. I could say that you led me on and made me think you felt something, anything, but you didn't. You couldn’t. You were dead.

It was just me thinking. Thinking, again.

It's happened before, you know. Only you weren't as cruel as he was. You let me down slowly, softly. You didn't leave me suddenly and without warning. Thanks for that.

I know it wasn't possible - they would have had you in cuffs faster than you could say 'whoops', right? - but I wished, with all of my tiny little childish heart that you would...think about it, after the pilgrimage. Think about me. But you wouldn't. Can't. It's just...impossible.

I have alot of good memories with you, and I wouldn't get rid of them for anything, not even for a brand new targe, or the biggest bar of chocolate in the universe, or anything. I wouldn't want to. You made me happy to be me for those few weeks. Heck, who knows, maybe in short time I've known you I subconsciously felt happy around you.

Or maybe not. Maybe it was just when you made me feel truly beautiful that I started falling for you. At first, it was just caring. A 'crush'. You remember what those feel like- you want the person to be yours so badly, you want them to come to you when they have a problem, you want them to say "You know, I kinda like you" and you want to be able to say "I like you too". Or maybe you don’t know what that’s like, being raised in Yevon and all...

But love- well, that's a whole different blitzgame. That's when you start noticing little things about them. The way they make you laugh, the way they smile at you, or let you sit next to them on a cold night when they were too stupid to wear only shorts and a tiny top. You remember that? You didn’t say anything when I wrapped the massive sleeve of your coat around me to keep warm. I bet you were smiling, even if it was inside. And you never got cold, either. You were like this...hero, the kind that never complain for anything and stick through it to the end. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into a cold night.

When you're in love with someone, you don't just think their good-looking. You don't just want to talk to them about problems. You want to hold them, kiss them, tell them that you love them and never want to lose them. You want to be able to just live a moment with them forever. You want to visit them while they’re busy, just to see how their day is, or even just to hear their voice or see their face.

I felt that about you. I wanted to take any excuse I could to come to you and talk about...well, nothing. I just wanted to talk to you. I wanted to do things with you, just so I could have the chance of being near you. I tried to be normal around you, and eventually I was able to do that...but I just wanted to be perfect, for you. I wanted to be beautiful and smart and funny, like Lulu, all for you. It didn't matter after awhile, because I felt like you enjoyed being around me, and not the fake little me that was all smiles and giggles and jokes and never-gonna-cry-for-nothing.

And now you’re gone, in the farplane. Hell, you may even show up if I went in and visited you, right? I could see you anytime I wanted.

But is that what's best for both of us? Maybe me letting you go is what is best. You could fade, completely, comfortable on the farplane where there isn’t a care in the world and no little Al Bhed girls to bug you. I'd be devastated at first, but you know me, I'd get over it. I'd be happy for you. And then maybe I'd meet someone my age. And I know you'd be happy for me too, wherever you are out there.

I was sad, yesterday, when I thought about writing this letter. I cried my eyes out and curled up in a ball and felt my heart breaking again. I know, I know- silly. It's not like you're completely gone. But I had to write this, if only to convince myself of something.

It shouldn't hurt this much to love someone, y’know?

We're better off if I let you go. I think you know that. You haven't seen me since you faded, and I haven’t come to see you. Well, once, maybe, yes, but you never showed up. Maybe I was imagining it, and you were there, but I couldn’t see you or feel you or anything. But you know, I cried again, because I thought "I got all dressed up and pretty for him, and he didn't even come to see me". Maybe you were trying to tell me that I needed to get real, to get a grip on reality- that you're gone, for good. That I'm too young to be a ‘widower’. That I'm still a child. Fifteen wasn't that young, you know. But to you, I must have been like a toddler. A little blonde toddler that just wanted you to hold her and never let go.

I thought I could get past that by acting older. More 'mature' than most girls around my age. I know, I know- the fact still remains that I'm younger than you, and by more than a few months.

I love you so much. So goddamn much that it hurts, that my chest burns and I get a lump in my throat and I cry and cry, wishing you were here and that I could be your Rikku, your Rikku, until we both faded together.

I got ahead of myself again, didn't I? I'm overly sensitive, I guess.

Who knows where we'll go from here? Maybe we'll do what I said- you’ll fade, and I’ll find someone, and we'll just be happy for each other. Maybe you'll wait for me on the farplane. Maybe you'll move on. Maybe I'll never see you again. Maybe I will.

But I do love you. Which is why, for the moment, I'm letting go. It's up to you where we go from here, later on in life, death. But if you decide that me, and you, isn't a prospect you will even consider after waiting all those years for me to die too, that's okay. I'll just sit back and wait for you to decide and live out the rest of my days. I've got my whole life ahead of me, right? And then I’ll have eternity on the farplane. With you? Who knows.

And I know you'll never see this, never read this, but know that I love you. I love you, so, so much, you old wet blanket.

Kuutpoa.

-Andrea