Disclaimers: I don't own Teen Titans, Harry Potter, or Monty Python. (Thank you, YingYang27!)

The bag of chocolate carmel chunk popcorn and the chibi Kurama keychain are MINE!

The mess that Beast Boy left in the kitchen is not my fault.

A-A-A

Beep!

Slade? This is your ex-wife, Adeline. I WANT MY MING VASE BACK! NOW!

Beep!

Titans, this is Superman. Your home is now 99 percent safe of Pokemon trouble and most of the little pocket monsters have been sent back through the portal to their own world. The Spirit Detective said he was more than glad to take them back. All in days work, boys.

The reason I said 99 percent was because Beast Boy is keeping one as a pet. Hope you all don't mind, he seemed attached to the little creature. Up up, and away!

Beeeeep!

BB, NO WAY are we havin' a Pokemon for a pet! We've already got Silkie, who pucks on the couch and ate the remote, so give me one damned reason why we should adopt a Pokemon or I'm gonna serve it with eggs for breakfast!

Click!

Beep!

Come on, Cy, Silkie needs a friend and Pikachu is just perfect. He's small and cute and really really awesome. Besides, we'll save money on the electric bill.

Oh, and Robin? We just got a weird package in the mail: it's a large green box covered in question marks. Is this another wicked cool practical joke or should I be scared?

Beeeeeeep!

Beast Boy, be scared. Don't touch the box, don't even move. I'm coming back to the Tower right now.

Beeeeeep!

This is the Titans Tower, Starfire is speaking. We have gone out to stop another creative and yet very bad criminal, this one apparently fond of guessing and games since he sent us the riddle: "How can you divide 15 apples among 16 people?"

Robin has been very intense and could not find the solution until Beast Boy said, "Make applesauce!" Therefore, we are all going to the Metropolis Applesauce Factory to find the villain. We shall be there shortly, so please leave your message and no more riddles. Thank you!

Beep!

Robin? It's Speedy. Can I hide out in the Tower for a few days? Wonder Woman wants to kill me and by the look on her face and the way she whips that lasso . . . she just might succeed.

Beep!

Speedy, it's Aqualad. If you weren't such a pervert, then you wouldn't be on the endangered species list.

Beep!

Robin, it's me, Beast Boy. We just got some call from a woman named Mrs. Adeline Wilson. She said if we get a ming vase back for her, she'll help us kick Slade's butt.

(Pause)

What are we supposed to do, break all of his teacups!

Beep!

Robin, it is I, Starfire. Could you please explain to me the function of a rubber duck?

Beep!

Speedy, it's Robin. We've just come back from the Metropolis Applesauce Factory, sorry it took so long. You missed a show with the Riddler. He wanted to paint the town in apple mush up but he was-

(Cyborg interrupts) –He was no match for the Teen Titans!

(Back to Robin) If you want to crash for a while, its ok but it'll come at a price. You have to help us finish up eating all the applesauce. The workers there sent us back with a ton of that stuff in barrels so we'll be eating it until it comes out of our ears and even tofu will look good after all that applesauce.

Beep! Beep!

Click!

Hi, this is Titans Tower. Happy post Thanksgiving everyone, and I hope you are all done eating dead birds for the time being-AHEM! You can have some applesauce instead.

We're out right now, so please leave your name and number after the beep.

And for those of you with the holiday shopping list, I'd really really REALLY like a moped for Christmas. . . .

(Robin's voice) Beast Boy, knock it off!

(Scuffling is heard)

(Beast Boy's voice) Ouch! Hey Rob, cut it out! Let me go! (Yells into the answering machine) The moped, don't forget-and it's got to be red! A red moped, ok?

Beep!

This is the Teen Titans. We're away for now. Leave your name and number after the burp:

Buuuuuurp.

(Pause)

Wait, hang on a second. Let me try that again.

(Soda fizzing and gulping is heard in the background)

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!

Hmmm . . . . still not enough! Better finish the six pack

(More gulping)

!

Ah, much better!

(Raven's voice) You are SO disgusting. . . .

Beep!

Titans, someone has broken into my vault and broken the teacups. All my good teacups.

Congratulations, Robin. I've thought of yet another way to torment you. You will rue the day you defied me.

Beep!

Robin, this is Starfire. May I ask how it is possible for Slade to drink any liquids or beverages if he is wearing his mask? I do not assume that he uses a straw. ...

Beep!

Hey little sister, its me, Blackfire. Didn't think you'd be so bored to death acting like a goody two shoes, fighting for justice, helping little old ladies cross the street, and eating applesauce. (Yawns)

Anyhow, I don't want to ruffle your feathers dear Starfire, but I need to chill for a while. The Geroki Twin Moons Defense Troops are onto me and you wouldn't turn your own sister down, would do?

I'd LOVE to see the rest of the Titans, of course . . . especially Robin . . . mmmmmm. . love that mask of his. . . .Just let me hang out for a little whi-

ZAP! ZAP! KFT!

Beep!

You have reached the answering machine of the Amazing Mumbo! Sorry I'm not here to entertain you, but I have yet another act for the night! Leave your wand at the door and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you, thank you; you've been a lovely audience!

Click! Click!

Yes, this is Jinx, the enchanting sorceress. Mumbo, can you write me a letter of recommendation to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? I'm sick of hanging around this annoying nose picking toddler and a brainless hairy ox.

(Gizmo's voice) Who you callin' a toddler?

(Mammoth's voice) Ox? Duh, I don't see an ox!

Beep!

Titans, this is Joey. I saw you superheroes kick butt at the dance a while ago. You guys are so cool! Anyhow, I found a pink wig at the Soho Warehouse after that party a while ago. Is it yours?

Beep!

Beast Boy, you let that ugly little monster into my room. NO ONE goes into my room. NO ONE chew through my robes. NO ONE SLEEPS IN MY BED BUT ME!

You have until tonight to get rid of that Pokemon. . . otherwise, I will!

Beep!

, Robbie-poo! It's me, your darling cuddly sweetheart Kitten! Meow!

That was soooooooooooooooo sweet of you to send me that adorable yellow hamster. Little Pika-poo wants to say hi:

(Pikachu talks) Pika. .. pika. .. pika-chu!

I know you really cared about me. I know you really loved me! Once I'm out of prison, I'm going to be your girl forever and ever and EVER-

ZAP! ZAP! KFT!

Beeep!

(Sigh) This is Robin, leader of the Teen Titans. We're on our third answering machine since Starfire blew up the first two of them. Guys, I'm telling you that Mr. Wayne pays for the bills here and he won't be happy about us setting fire to the appliances.

(Beast Boy interrupts) Can he get me a moped?

Beep!

Ello, duckies! It's me, the Master of Mayhem, the British Best Bungler of them all, Mad Mod! Mwhwahahhaahah!

Since you pipsqueaks have not yet grasped the cohn-cept of my origin, I shall be prepared to taunt you night and day with Monty Python Madness. Cheerio and all that, Titans! Don't forget to drink your tea and eat your biscuits. (Evil cackling)

Beep!

Um, guys, there is now a penguin standing right on top of the T.V.

(BB's voice) If it lays an egg, it'll fall down right behind the screen and mess up the wires.

(Raven's voice) What's it doing here? Where did it come from?

(BB's voice) Um. . . . Gotham City?

(Cyborg's voice) Dummy! Penguins don't come from Gotham City, they come from the zoo!

(BB) Maybe it's from next door.

(Cyborg and Raven) We don't HAVE a next door! We're on a rock in the bay, dimwit!

(BB) Oh yeah. . . .

(Raven) We'll its not our property or our problem. Obviously, it's from the South Pole.

(Cyborg) Ya want me to build a T-Snow Blower and have us hike all the way up-

KA-BOOM!

Raven Correction: There was a penguin on top of the T.V. It just exploded.

Beep!

Hey Titans, it's me, Bumblebee. Tell Speedy I'm going to douse him in honey and feed him to the sharks unless he stops asking me what color underwear I have. I know he's there. He can't keep hiding and eating applesauce forever. Cyborg, do me a favor and punch his lights out the next time you see him.

Click! Click!

Au note: the last scene with the exploding penguin was from "Monty Python's Flying Circus" Volume 11.

EDIT: Penguins are from the South Pole not North Pole. What was I thinking!