|Link, the Annoyance Slayer: RoE Finale
Author: Janus3003 PM
The Return of Evil Finale. Hyrule prepares for its final battle with the Annoyances as Link prepares to face off with the Supreme Dictator, Pikachu, himself. READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 4 - Words: 6,930 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 05-08-05 - Published: 11-23-04 - Status: Complete - id: 2144064
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
IMPORTANT!!! READ THIS!!!
Somebody was offended by the fact that LtAS: Return of Evil is written in script format and reported it. It has been deleted.
I will rewrite the latest chapter in the normal format, and continue from there. If any of you want the rest of the series, email me at:
j a n u s 3 0 0 3 a t t . n e t
Remove the spaces. I put them there to see if it will help avoid junk mail. I will also eventually post Take Two and Return of Evil on K a s u t o . n e t.
Thank you, and I'm sorry that this has happened.
This isn't my best writing style. Annoyance Slayer works best in script format, but oh well. Life goes on. Go read my other fic, The Legend Begins. That's definitely my best work in this format.
STOP! IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE ABOVE NOTICE, THEN DO IT NOW, OR YOU WILL BE CONFUSED BEYOND BELIEF WHEN READING THE STORY!!!
LINK, THE ANNOYANCE SLAYER: THE RETURN OF EVIL FINALE
By: Janus Kamaren
Chapter 1: The Breath Before the Plunge
Pikachu was sitting in a room with several other Annoyances.
"Okay," he said slowly, "explain to me what happened." Poser Tubbie #1 was the first to respond.
"Man, it was crazy as ####! Dat cracka boy Link come in and WHAM he think he got da funk and I'm like, 'Hey, no, man, this ain't no jolly ride, uh,' and he den goes BOOM and I'm like, 'Crazy foo'!' and BAM I'm out and he gone wit da #####!" Pikachu stared at the hoody-clad Teletubbie.
"Tubbie #1, translate."
"Link came in, used Poser Tubbie #1's head as a key, and escaped with the princess." Pikachu nodded.
"Tubbie Prison Guard, what's your story?" The prison guard cleared his throat.
"Well, you see, it was all like this. Ganondorf came and-" Suddenly, morning light shined in through the windows. Tubbie Prison Guard's eyes grew wide, and he started to sing.
"Oh, what a beautiful mornin'!
Oh, what a beautiful day!
I've got a beautiful feelin'
Everythin's goin' mah way!" Everybody in the room stared at Tubbie Prison Guard, completely silent. A baby cried in the background.
"Tubbie #1?" Pikachu asked.
"Ganondorf started singing and everyone joined in while Link, Zelda, Ganondorf, King Daphnes, and Random Gerudo escaped."
"Okay. Purple Link, for the hatred of all that is evil, please tell me something smart." Purple Link seemed thoroughly pleased with himself.
"Ha! It was amazing! Link came at me, and I proceeded to beat his sword with my own! As I gallantly walked back up the stairs, making him follow me, I hit his foot with my stomach and strategically fell to the floor! I then hit his fist with my face! I got back up, continuing to hit his sword with mine! Finally, I backed away to save him from my terrible wrath, and crashed through the window down to the moat, where my boat awaited me! I had saved him from a horrible, violent end." He smiled proudly. Everyone in the room stared at him, completely silent.
"He got his butt kicked, sir," Tubbie #1 translated. Pikachu snapped his fingers.
"To the training room with him. NOW!" Guards took Purple Link away, while a frantic-looking Tubbie #3,710 ran in.
"OH, MY GOSH!" he cried. "WHERE'S WALDO!?" Everyone in the room gasped.
"Waldo's missing?" Tubbie #1 asked, falling to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Pikachu peered at a dark corner, and noticed something.
"WALDO'S SHOE!" he cried. He grabbed it and sniffed at it. "It's fresh." Pikachu noticed a dotted black trail on the ground.
"Hey," Tubbie #1 pointed out. "Little Billy from The Family Circus has been here! He's never up here! What was he doing?"
"Let us very evilly investigate," Pikachu said evilly. The two followed the trail. They noticed that it never stayed straight, and always circled things like tables and chairs. They followed it to the Torture Chamber of Utmost Terror and General Unpleasantness. Hearing screams coming from inside, Tubbie #1 tried to open the door, but it was locked. Pikachu shot electricity out of his cheeks, blowing the door open. They found Waldo tied to the torture rack, screaming as Billy, laughing maniacally, turned the crank.
"Stop!" Pikachu ordered. Billy merely laughed.
"You're too late!" he cried. "You see, I am more evil than you! Say goodbye to your precious Waldo!" Before anything could be done, the crank was turned. A loud snapping sound was heard, and Waldo was silent.
"You will die for this, Billy," Pikachu said maliciously.
"No, I believe it is you who will die, soon to be ex-Supreme Dictator!" He pulled out two hand axes.
"Leave us," Pikachu ordered Tubbie #1. Billy jumped high and came down, trying to cleave Pikachu's head in two. The evil Pokemon dodged, firing balls of electricity at Billy, who deflected them with his axes, despite the fact that they're metal and should really conduct electricity. Go figure. He swung at Pikachu, who dodged it by bending over backwards. Pikachu came back up and punched Billy in the face, knocking him down. He flipped him over, grabbed his arms, and pulled them as high as he could. Billy cried out in pain and dropped the axes. Pikachu shocked Billy, and used his electrical powers to lift him high in the air, twirling him around.
"Mercy! Please!" Billy screamed. Pikachu glared at him.
"You slay one of the evilest members of the Annoyances, laughing the evil laugh, try to usurp my power, and then swear at me? Prepare for evil hydroelectric death!" Pikachu used his electricity to dunk Billy into a small tub of water, reducing him to a charred, smoking skeleton. Pikachu looked at the corpse.
"Are you okay, Zelda?" Link asked. She had been sitting on a cliff, overlooking the village, completely silent. Link sat down next to her.
"He made me weed his garden, Link." Link sighed and put his arm around her.
"And… he replaced Charlotte Russe with… with…" Her voice broke. "Hot Topic!" she cried on Link's shoulder. He held her tightly, trying to comfort her. Ganondorf walked up, rolling his eyes.
"Great, another mushy scene," he commented. He noticed Zelda sobbing. "What's wrong with her?"
"Pikachu's put a Hot Topic in Hyrule, Ganondorf," Link answered.
"That place with Neo-wannabe employees?"
"That place where people buy weird clothing and call everyone else freaks?"
"That place where boys go in looking normal and come back out looking like Dracula?"
"Yes." Ganondorf gasped.
"By Din, he's so evil…"
A random fanfiction author approached Pikachu.
"Hi!" she said.
"What do you want?" Pikachu asked, rather annoyed.
"I'm writing a Zelda ficcy!"
"Why are you-"
"It's uber kawaii! See, it's a drama/romance that is completely filled with overly used clichés! I won't tell you the plot; you have to read it yourself! It starts out as Link/Malon, but then Malon dies, and then it's a Link/Nabooru! But they have a fight, and it's then a Link/Saria! But Ganondorf kills Saria, so it becomes a Link/Ruto! But Ruto cannibalizes her father, Link kills her, and he's sad. But everything turns out okay after Ganondorf dies and it becomes a Link/Zelda!" She smiled proudly. "But I won't tell you what happens, though. Bye!" She started to leave, but turned around. "Oh, and I don't want any flames."
"Understandable," Pikachu responded, about to command the troop's death for writing something that made the enemy look good.
"And I don't want any constructive criticism either! It is very rude, and I cry whenever I get it! All I want are reviewers that tell me that my story is the best ever and worship me." She turned around and walked down the hallway.
"Guards! Engage the traitor!" Pikachu ordered. Teletubbies appeared out of nowhere and body slammed the doomed soldier.
"Hey, sir," a raspy voice said. "Up here." Pikachu looked up to Spy Tubbie #6, who was still suspending himself by keeping his feet on the walls.
"What are you doing up there!?"
"I've been here since chapter 3 of the original form of this fic. I think that the Author and readers forgot about me."
"Hey, pal, you're not the one wearing the maid outfit," said Spy Tubbie #5, walking down the corridor. Spy Tubbies 7,8, and 9 showed up.
"-for almost the-"
"-sentences!" Pikachu backed away slowly as the Tubbies proceeded to beat the snot out of each other, but Tubbie #1 ran up to him.
"Sir! We have finished the computer lab!"
"Show me." Pikachu followed Tubbie #1 to the computer lab. Tubbie #1 opened the door to the computer lab, and Pikachu beheld a great spectacle: iMacs. Lots and lots of iMacs. A tear of joy ran down his cheek. Such evil he had never before beheld. Tubbie #1 removed his hat and bowed his head in reverence to the evilness. Suddenly, Pikachu composed himself and turned around.
"Let's go." They both walked away.
"Sir, our spies bring word that the Hyruleans will attack tomorrow."
"And we will be waiting for them." Pikachu laughed a very evil laugh.
"Goodnight, Link. Thanks for cheering me up," Zelda said, kissing Link on the cheek. She entered the tree house she was staying in.
"Goodnight," Link responded. He turned around to find Ganondorf.
"Aww," Ganondorf mocked, "how sweet."
"Shut up." Ganondorf chuckled.
"Question- Where're Impa and Saria? All the Sages except for them have shown up." Impa and Saria poofed into existence and walked off to another part of the camp. Suddenly, in a sleeping bag at the other end of the camp, Random Gerudo sat straight up, looking to the heavens, arms in the air.
"GREAT ONE!" she shouted. Ganondorf sighed.
"I can't tell her to shut up anymore. It's a bad example for the kiddies."
"True," Link agreed.
"You better get to bed. We're moving out tomorrow."
"I know. You should, too."
"I am. You know…"
"Zelda did look cute in her slave outfit." Link nodded.
The next morning…
Ganondorf sat on the cliff overlooking the forest. He watched as the Hyrulean people prepared to take back their homes. He stood up and extended his right arm. With a bold and powerful voice, he began to sing:
"Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!"
Meanwhile, Link was getting ready. With dramatic music playing in the background, he threw on a coat of chainmail. He put his tunic over that and tightened his belt around his waist and his baldric across his chest. He slipped on his leather gauntlets and put his hat on his head. He turned for the Master Sword but found Zelda handing it to him, smiling.
"Thank you," he said, taking and equipping it.
"I could have ripped off Lord of the Rings right there, but I decided against it." Ganondorf walked in, messing with some chainmail.
"If I had time, I'd get this adjusted," he said, letting go of the chainmail. It dropped to the floor. This was odd, considering he was very tall. "It's a little tight across the chest!" Random Gerudo walked in, placing a hand on Ganondorf's shoulder.
"Ganondorf…" she said. He chuckled nervously.
"Sorry, couldn't resist."
The army moved out, ready for the battle of their lives. Zelda glared at Hot Topic as they passed through the market. They reached the castle, finding thousands of Teletubbies waiting for them. Tingle's cult was present as well. King Daphnes took charge.
"Nabooru, take your Gerudo down to the left flank! Darunia, follow the King's banner down to the center! Bovine, take your company right after you pass the wall! Forth, and fear no darkness! Arise! Arise riders of Hyrule! Blades will bleed! Shields will shatter! And though the light may fade, Hyrule will rise again! A sword day! A red day! Ere the sun rises!"
"Whatever happens," Link whispered in Zelda's pointed ear, "stay with me. I'll look after you." Daphnes rode down the frontline, tapping his men's swords with his own.
"Ride now!" he cried. "Ride now! Ride! Ride for freedom and tyranny's ending!" He faced his army. "Freedom!"
"Freedom!" they repeated.
"Freedom!" Daphnes cried even louder.
"Freedom!" the soldiers cried.
"FREEDOM!" the king shouted one last time.
"FREEDOM!" the army responded, Link and Zelda joining in this time.
"Forth, Hyruleans!" the king commanded. Several soldiers blew into their horns, the sound echoing throughout the land. The charge on the castle began.
Pikachu, standing on the wall, grinned evilly.
"Give them squash," he ordered Tubbie #1. He walked back into the castle, laughing evilly.
TO BE CONTINUED
LadyAkki45: Actually, the cows are NOT from Kung Pow (which I never saw). They come from an online game called City of Heroes. My friends and I made cows on it. Mine had guns and electric powers (Mr. Bovine). One of my friend's had martial arts abilities. Good guess, though.
My thanks to Nephele for telling me about Charlotte Russe, which I have never heard of.
Question for readers-
How do you imagine Pikachu's voice? I'm just curious. I'll tell you how I imagine it in the next chapter.
Can I get some reviews for my new fic, The Legend Begins? It's an Action/Adventure/Romance novelization of the first Zelda game. Thanks.
I'm sorry this took so long to get back up.