Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure

By Jarred the Best and Mike the Great

Chapter Two Las Gholein

Authors' note: From now on, we will put the disclaimer at the end so we won't spoil anything for all you nice readers out there, who want to review our story (Hint Hint) - Mike and Jarred.

After months of slowly moving across the desert, we finally reached Las Gholein. God, was the trip horrible. Deckard Cain wouldn't shut up and Chippy kept going "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" It drove me crazy. I was about to kill them when we arrived in Las Gholein. There were neon lights and casinos everywhere. We soon met the mayor of the town, Jerhyn. He was hiding in a trash can.

"Hello, we're looking for Jerhyn, have you seen him?" I asked Jerhyn, not knowing he was Jerhyn yet.

"You're debt collectors, aren't you? Drat, they found my hiding place. Looks like I have to leave," he replied.

"No wait we aren't debt collectors, we're brave heroes," Chippy said.

"Oh, that's a relief! I'm Jerhyn, the mayor. I'm hiding from the debt collectors because I'm a gambling addict. I tried going to Gamblers Anonymous, but someone bet me 50 gold I couldn't make it. I lost," Jerhyn said. "Make your self at home in this wonder city of Las Gholein."

We walked around the city until we met a girl named Atma outside the bar.

"Hello, my name is Atma. A mummy named Radament killed my family. Now he must die. He lives in the sewers." Atma declared.

"We'll kill him for you. Not that we have anything better to do," Chippy said.

We walked over to the sewer's entrance, where we met Greiz. He sold mercenaries.

"Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz up! My name is Greiz, homie. I got what you need, if you know what I mean," he said.

"You mean mercenaries, right?" I asked.

"Oh yeah squirrel dude, what did you think I meant? Did you think I was trying to sell something illegal to you?" he questioned.

"Oh, a couple things popped into my mind," Chippy said slyly.

We bought a mercenary named Luke Skywalker.

"Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. I am a mighty Jedi master. I am on a quest to restore peace to the galaxy. And to score with a chick. Would you believe me if I said I was still a virgin?" Luke said to us.

"I'm not surprised," Chippy said, rolling his eyes.

"I don't understand it. I have a big saber. Here look at it," Luke said as he reached into his pants.

"Oh no we don't want to see that," I said as I went to block my eyes.

"What, what's wrong with seeing my weapon," he said as he pulled out a strange metal stick. He pressed a button on it and a blade made of pure energy came out of it. "This is my big lightsaber," he boasted.

We soon ventured down into the sewers. Soon a hoard of angry mummies, skeletons, and sand raiders ambushed us.

"I'll take care of them," Luke said. He waved his hand and said, "You will not attack us. You will all go to sleep for a buhzillion years." For some strange reason, the undead dudes listened. So I killed them in there sleep for experience. Soon, we reached Radament.

" I knew you would come. I saw your arrival, Luke," Radament said, in a cheesy Darth Vader voice.

"How dare you impersonate my father. Sure, me and him are characters in a movie, but stop imitating him!" Luke said as he drew his lightsaber.

"Come, join me. Join the Dark Side of the Force," Radament demanded.

"Never! Not even my old man could get me join the Dark Side," Luke said.

"Very well. Then you must...DIE!" the mummy said as he pulled out a double-bladed lightsaber. "I got this at a Star Wars convention."

Luke and Radament engaged in a fierce lightsaber battle. They spent a couple minutes fighting before Luke cut Radament in half.

"Luke, I must tell you something. Luke, I am your father," Radament said.

"Noooooo...wait, my dad is Darth Vader," Luke stated.

"I know, I just always wanted to say that," Radament said as he turned to dust. Then the wind blew Radament's remains into the air. As his dust blew away, we heard Radament's voice say, "This is CNN...Signing off."

We returned to the surface. Luke Skywalker flew off into the sky in a flying machine he called a X-Wing. We returned to Atma and got our reward, the Horadric Scroll.

"I know you were supposed to grab this in the sewers, but the author's forgot to make you, so they gave the scroll to me," she said.

We went to Deckard Cain. We gave him the Horadric Scroll. He looked at it. Afterwards, he went into a porta-potty to "look" at it some more. Then he tried to give it back to us. It was covered in brown.

"You can keep it," I said.

"Yeah! It's better than 2-ply. Oh I forgot, you have to look for the Horadric stuff. Look in Chippy's player's guide," he said as he went back to the porta-potty.

According to the player's guide we had to go to the Halls of the Dead to find the Horadric Gamecube. So we went to the bar to rest up for our journey. There we met a sorceress, who was drinking some 100-proof vodka. She was drunk, really, really, REALLY drunk.

"Hello handsome. Do you come here often?" she asked a stool. The stool didn't reply. (Author's Note: No crap Mike- Jarred)

"Um, hello sorceress. My name is Bob, and this is my squirrel Chippy. What is your name wise sorceress?" I stated.

"My name is Abraham Lincoln. Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers came to this country for booze," she said, standing up and then falling down.

"Well OK, Mr. Lincoln," Chippy said, staring at the sorceress.

"What, where's Abe Lincoln. I'll give him emancipation," the sorceress said.

The sorceress, who the bartender said was named Budweiser or Bud for short, then passed out. We dragged Bud up to her room. Then we waited until the next morning. She was still drunk, but wasn't as drunk. So we then went to the desert to began walking to the Halls of the Dead. We were halfway there when a weird person with spiky yellow hair flew down from the sky.

"My name is Goku and I'm here to find the dragon's balls, Hi-yah," the freak said.

"I'll give you some dragon's balls," Bud said as she shot a fireball at Goku's head. It missed by a foot. But oddly enough his hair caught on fire.

"Oh no, that fire caught the fumes from the massive amounts of hair spray I use on fire. I just hope the fire doesn't cause the can of hair spray I keep in my hair, in case my hair goes flat, to explode and..." Goku started, but luckily for us the can of hair spray did explode and kill him. We were very happy. So we went the rest of the way to the Halls of the Dead singing about how Goku was dead and that Dragonball Z was no more! (Author's Note: YAY! Ding dong, Goku is dead- Mike)

We soon arrived at the Halls of the Dead. We went inside and battled mummy after mummy after mummy after mommy. Soon we reached were the Horadric Gamecube was held. It was guarded by a Huntress named Bloodwitch the Wild.

"Hey there hot stuff, how would ya' like a piece of this cake," Bloodwitch said to Chippy.

"You leave my boyfriend alone," Bud said.

"That squirrel is your boyfriend?" Bloodwitch inquired.

"He is not my boyfriend!" Bud shouted.

"But you just said.." Bloodwitch began.

"I shut said up," Bud said. She then shot a fireball at Bloodwitch. This one hit the target. Bloodwitch then stopped, dropped, and rolled. (Author's Note: Remember kids, if catch on fire, do what Bloodwitch did. Stop, Drop, and Roll- Mike) (Author's Note: Shut up Mike- Jarred)

"I'll get you for burning my shirt and bra off," Bloodwitch shouted.

"Bring it on North Dakota," Bud said as she torn her own shirt and bra off. Bud and Bloodwitch then began to wrestle. They fell into a pit of conveniently-placed gelatin and continued to wrestle. Needless to say, Chippy and I were very turned on.

Moments later, Chippy, a topless Bud, and I walked out of the Halls of the Dead. I had the Horadric Gamecube in my inventory. Bud had Bloodwitch's head in her inventory. We found a new shirt and bra for Bud and helped her into them. (Author's Note: Booooo! -Jarred)

"Now watch as I fly to the the the the the," Bud said. Then she threw up.

"Ok, let's walk to the Maggot Lair," I said. So we walked. And we walked. And we walked some more. Then we sprinted. Then we partied with the desert animals. Then we walked some more. Then, after hitch-hiking with a truck filled with illegal Mexican immigrants, we reached the Maggot Lair. Outside the Maggot Lair, we met a weird, flat, pixilated dude named Mr. Game and Watch.

"My buddy went into the Maggot Lair to get the Horadric Shaft. I think he's coming back. Yeah, he is. Hey Link!" Mr. Game and Watch said beepingly.

"Hey Mr. Game and Watch. Hey who is this guys," a tall dude with pointy ears, a green tunic, a pointy green hat, a sword and a shield said.

"The poison from the maggot queen, Coldworm, makes him speak with bad grammar. It's only temporary," Mr. Game and Watch said.

"My name is Bob, and this is Chippy and that is," I began, but Bud cut me off.

"My name is Link. I am on a never-ending quest my girlfriend, Bud the hot sorceress," Bud said and then puked.

"Mine name are Link, or mine girlfriend's name is being Zelda, not Bud the sorceress hot," Link said.

"Oh, shut up," Chippy said as he slapped Link.

"Thank you small squirrel. Your slap cured me of the poison," Link said.

"You're welcome Mr. Dentist," Bud said.

"O-Kay. What's her problem," Link questioned.

"Oh, don't mind her. Her name is Bud. She's drunk," I said.

"Oh," Link said.

So our party ventured to the Claw Viper Temple. We went in there. It was empty.

"Hello!" Chippy said.

"Hello!" his echo restated.

We soon found the final floor of the Claw Viper Temple. It was empty like the rest of the temple. We found a note next to the Horadric Amulet. It said:

"We have gone to Las Gholein to play Blackjack. Be back soon. Please don't take the Horadric Amulet."

- Fangskin, the unique Claw Viper that should be guarding the amulet.

"Too bad, too sad," Chippy said as he grabbed the Horadric Amulet.

"Now now, didn't you read my note. I, Fangskin, order you to put the amulet back!" Bud said.

"Shut up," Link said.

We went back to Las Gholein and followed the directions on the Horadric Gamecube to create the Horadric Staff. Then we went to Deckard Cain.

"You must go to the Arcane Sanctuary and kill the Summoner. But, there is one problem," Cain said.

"What's the problem, huh, huh, huh, huh," Chippy said.

"Squirrels can't enter the portal to the Arcane Sanctuary. You will have to stay behind Chippy," Cain said.

"Hey this is Chippy. I'm going to be telling the story for awhile now"

"That blows," I said.

"It will be ok Chippy. We'll bring you back a souvenir," Bob said.

"YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY!," I said running around in circles.

After Bob and the other's left, I took a nap in our hotel. When I woke up, I went to the casino. I went straight for the poker table. I played several games, winning them all. That's when he came.

"Hello, my name is Yugi. I like playing card games. Can I play with you? I'm broke but I'm sure you don't mind," a short, spiky haired freak with a golden pyramid around his neck.

"Sure you can play. That's nice bling-bling you have there," I said.

"You mean my Millennium Puzzle. Yeah, I suppose it does classify as bling-bling," Yugi said.

"Here's the deal- if I win, you must let me shave your head. If you win, I must let you shave my tail," I said.

We played poker. As you can guess, I won.

"No, my beautiful, overly-spiky hair. Well, a deal is a deal. Shave away," Yugi said. So I shaved him, and then took some pictures so I would always remember this day and just incase I needed to blackmail him, I could. That's when Bob came back.

"Bob here. My turn to resume narration of MY tale"

"You are soooooooooooo lucky Chippy. First we had to fight a bunch of strong monsters to get into the Sanctuary. Then we had to navigate maze after maze in the Arcane Sanctuary. Then Link asked a dying monster for directions to the Summoner. Then when we reached the Summoner, we had to kill him. God, that was a long fight. So then we went to the Canyon of the Magi. There we saw a waypoint, so we came back here to heal and find you," I said to Chippy.

"Well, then let's go kick Duriel's butt!" Chippy said.

So, Link, Bud, Chippy, and I went to the Canyon of the Magi. Then we made a random guess on what tomb was Tal-Rasha's real tomb. We had to guess because Bud had eaten the book that told us the symbol on the outside of Tal-Rasha's true tomb. Luckily, our guess was right because in the inside of the tomb, we found a sign that said "Welcome to the tomb of Tal-Rasha"

After battling our way through hordes of evil monsters, we found the Orifice we were supposed to put the Horadric Staff into. So we did and entered Duriel's Lair. There we found Duriel. He was sitting in front of a fire place, reading a book and had a cup of tea beside him.

"Well top o' the morning to ya, good chaps. My name is Duriel." Duriel said in a British accent.

Link started twitching weirdly. "We have come to slay you foul beast," He said, twitching.

"Well that's too bad. I was hoping we could discuss some Shakespearian literature over a spot of tea. Then we could possibly turn the tellie on and watch it," Duriel said.

"ACK, THAT'S IT! I HATE BRITISH PEOPLE!" Link screamed. Link the drew his sword and charged at Duriel.

The fight between Duriel and Link was to graphic to describe. It is too horrible to describe. I don't even like thinking of it. If I told you what happened that day, you would all be puking right now. So instead I will say the word "puppy." Every one loves puppies.

Puppy. We now will resume our regularly scheduled programing already in progress.

"Bloody Brit," Link said as he wiped Duriel's blood of his sword. So we then went to where Tal-Rasha was supposed to be, but he was gone. Some angel guy with really bright wings named Tyrael told us Diablo freed Tal-Rasha, who was holding Baal in side him. So we went back to Las Gholein, gambled a bit, ditched Bud at some bar, ditched Link at some Legend of Zelda Fan's Convention, and then went to go on the boat to Act 3. Just as we were about to board the boat, the boat disappeared. Then two kids appeared out of nowhere. One was tall, handsome, and very muscular. The other was short, not that good-looking and very weak. (Author's Note: You wish Mike. We all know who the ladykiller is.- Jarred) (Author's Note: Ok, Ok. I'll fix it- Mike.)

One was tall, slightly good-looking, and not very muscular. The other was short, not any better looking, and muscular.

"My name is Mike the Great. I am one of the amazing authors behind the story 'Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure'," the tall one said.

"I am Jarred the Best. I am the other author behind this great story that you should all review," the short, but muscular, one said.

"We have a quest for you. You must go into the desert and get us... What were they suppose to get us again," Mike the Great said.

"The Everlasting Cup of Pudding. You are so much smarter than me Mike the Great," Jarred the Short said. (Author's Note: Mike typed that last sentence. I am so much smarter- Jarred) (Author's Note: You wish Jarred. We all know who is the smarter one- Mike)

"No, we refuse to go into the desert again," Chippy said.

"Yeah, he's right. We aren't going into the desert again," I said.

"You will to. We are the authors and can do anything we want. Except swear. Not even we can beat the lawyers that prevent us from swearing," Jarred the Best said.

"We are not stepping foot into that desert," I said.

Moments later, we were walking through the desert, looking for the Everlasting Cup of Pudding.

"What, how did we get here. But, we were, and we weren't, and aw crap," Chippy said.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, We told you you would go to the desert," Mike the Great's disembodied voice said.

So Chippy and I walked through the desert until we found the Temple of Everlasting Desserts.

"Stop making us do things we don't want to do," I said.

"Then all of a sudden, Bob began to dance," Jarred the Best's voice said.

Then all of a sudden, I began to dance.

"Then Chippy and Bob went into the temple and fought a giant monster made of Jell-O. When they defeated it, they found the Everlasting Cup of Pudding, then they town portaled back to town," Mike the Great's voice said.

Then Chippy and I went into the temple and fought a giant monster made of Jell-O. When we defeated it, we found the Everlasting Cup of Pudding, then we town portaled back to town.

"I hate you guys," I said.

"Then Bob gave Mike the Great and Jarred the Best the Everlasting Cup of Pudding and said 'You guys are the coolest people in the whole world.'," Jarred the Best's voice said.

Then I gave Mike the Great and Jarred the Best the Everlasting Cup of Pudding and said, "You guys are the coolest people in the whole world."

So then Mike the Great and Jarred the Best teleported away with their pudding cup, and the boat to Act 3 reappeared and we went to Act 3, in Kurast.

DISCLAIMER: We do not own Diablo 2, any Nintendo characters or systems, Dragonball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh, any presidents or states mentioned, Jell-O, Budweiser, Shakespeare, Shakespeare's works, the word tellie (That's Britain's word), or Star Wars. So there.

We hope you liked our story. Please review, and all flames will be used to keep Santa out of our house. Let's see how well Mr. Claus can go down a chimney with fire in it.

ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Oh, and we don't own Santa Claus.