There is no disguise

which can hide love for long

where it exists,

or simulate it

where it does not.

– La Rochefoucauld

He had never believed that anyone could feel this much pain and still live. He felt his heart was going to explode as he sat on the floor in the veranda back in the Attha Mansion with his thoughts scattered everywhere. He had never felt so desperate in all his life. The memory of what happened last week in Miriallia’s apartment made him feel cold and utterly empty inside. For the past seven days, he had not heard from Miriallia. He had wanted to call, but cowardice got the best of him, afraid that she would, as Yzak had pointed out, have to choose between them. And he did not have that much confidence to even consider her choosing him.

Dearka watched as Cagalli’s pet dachshund poke her tiny face from her doghouse, momentarily distracted. He had spent the rest of the week sitting in the veranda, hoping against hope that Cagalli or Athrun or anyone for that matter did not find him. Of course, that was close to impossible. Although the Attha Mansion was too big for only the to- be couple, Athrun had somehow sniffed that things between Dearka and Miriallia were a bit rocky, and so had taken it into himself to check up on the almost always brooding former Buster Pilot.

Today was no different. He looked up when he heard footsteps coming out of the Mansion and into the veranda. He was surprised to see – not Athrun nor Cagalli – none other than Yzak Jule, a serious expression on his already serious enough face. The former Duel pilot did not say anything to him as he sat down a few feet from him, leaning his back against the wall.

Dearka looked at the man briefly, then continued to stare out into the garden. Cookie was now starting to dig a hole near its doghouse. Sighing in resignation, he closed his eyes and lowered his head, resting it in one hand.

“You’re afraid you’d lose against Sai,” Yzak said. Leave it to the former Duel Pilot to say uncomfortable truths.

Dearka tried to ignore him, keeping his face buried in his hand. He did not need company right now. He wanted to be alone, since he was starting to have the suspicion that he would be alone for the rest of his sorry life. If he did not have Miriallia with him, he would rather be alone.

“Have you talked to her?” Yzak asked.

Dearka simply shook his head.

“Don’t worry. Rest assured that she hasn’t talked to Sai as well.”

This made Dearka look up, annoying, a tiny spark of hope suddenly erupted somewhere in his head. “How do you know?”

“Because apparently, Sai has been away to Heliopolis II for the past four days, and while you have been sulking here like a lost puppy, Miriallia has been talking to me.”

Dearka felt his entire body shake uncontrollably. He nearly crawled to Yzak’s side and grabbed the man’s collar desperately. “Tell me… what did she say?”

Yzak looked at Dearka’s hand holding his collar, then at the dog in the distance. “In between sobbing and hiccupping, the only thing I can tell you is that you should talk to her personally.”

Dearka felt his hand loosen, and he slumped against the wall, sapped of any remaining energy he had. “Does she want to talk to me?”

Yzak stared at him. When he spoke, he did not answer Dearka’s question at all. “Come back to the PLANTs with me. Take up your position in the High Council; it will broaden your network. You can meet other women. Prettier, smarter. Forget about Miriallia, and move on with your life.”

Dearka felt numb inside. He stared back at Yzak accusingly. “I thought you wanted her for me.”

Yzak narrowed his eyes at him. “A girl with no conviction is no one to pine over.”

Dearka felt his insides freeze over, and he could feel every heartbeat in his ear. Yzak would not lie to him. “Are you telling me…”

Yzak looked at him bravely, answering his prior question. “She wants to talk to you. But if you want to save yourself the pain and humiliation, pack your things, and come home to the PLANTs with me.”

“… why?”

Yzak then stood up, brushed his pants clean, and started to walk away. “Because if you want to save whatever’s left of your pride, leaving now would be the best solution.”

Dearka shook his head in disbelief. He had to wring his hands together to prevent them from strangling the truth out of Yzak’s throat. There were too many hidden things in what his friend said, and parts of him were convinced that it would boil down to Miriallia choosing.

Is she going to choose him over me?

Dearka shuddered involuntarily. No, he should not think this way. It was too painful to even consider that she was going to slip away from him again. But he was too chicken to confront her, even with Sai away. He needed a distraction. And right now, the only one who could provide the best distractions was Cagalli. Standing up and brushing his pants lightly, he looked down at Yzak and smiled apologetically.

“Maybe one day, Yzak. Someday, I might have to take your offer. But I’ve made her wait ten long years for me. I think I can wait for her answer a little longer without rushing her.”

0 -- 0 -- 0 -- 0

Miriallia woke up with a start as her bedside telephone began to ring, and she stared at it until the answering picked up. As expected, it was Sai.

It had been a week already since the confrontations she had with Dearka and her fiancé, and she had spent the past days locked up inside her apartments, not even going to work, or seeing her friends. Cagalli had called a few times, but Miriallia talked to her only briefly to tell her everything was all right. But judging from the way her friend had asked her about how she was, Miriallia already knew the news had traveled and reached Cagalli’s ears.

“Mir, good morning. It’s me. Again. How are you? Why won’t you answer my messages or return my calls? I’m really worried about you…” Sai’s voice said. He did sound worried. And tired. So very tired. Miriallia felt guilty for being the reason for his anxiety, but she did not dare answer his calls for the fear of bursting into tears. She was tired of crying. It had been the only thing she’s done since the confrontation. “Listen… I know you must be in a very hard position right now, but… uhm… yeah… My parents called earlier and was asking about you and how the preparations are going… and I couldn’t lie to them and told them things are a bit rocky and that… yeah… the wedding could be delayed a bit… but I didn’t have the heart to tell them it will be cancelled… ”

Miriallia felt a tear trickle down her cheek and she closed her eyes to prevent more from falling. Mr. and Mrs. Argyle… She felt her heart clench painfully in her chest and buried her face into her pillow as she listened to Sai’s deadpanned voice. “Uhm… Milly? Can’t we talk more about this? Is there no way we can save what we have here? I love you. More than anything in the world… Please don’t do this to me. I love you. Let’s talk about this… Right now I’m away in space but when I get back? Please?” And the answering machine cut the rest of his message.

Eyes slowly opening, Miriallia let out a ragged sigh and sniffed. For the past week she had done nothing but think things over, rolling things through her head, hoping to make sense in everything that’s happened. Sai, who had always been for her no matter what, and Dearka who had haunted her dreams for ten long years. She tried to weigh the pros and cons. It got her nowhere. She was afraid about her decisions, about the many people she would hurt if she did chose one over the other. She had seen Sai’s pained face when he was put down by Dearka, and she remembered having him feel the same thing back when they were young. She could not help but feel guilty for having to cause him the same grief because of her feelings. He had, after all, been a friend to her first and foremost…

But Dearka, who was never there for her before, suddenly had given everything up just to be with her after denying his feelings for him for so long. But most of all, she knew that with Dearka, she was going to be happy because her mind and body had been longing for him even before she had realized she was.

But I guess, she thought. I will have to be choosing between what is right… and what is easy…

For a brief moment, she watched the phone grudgingly. All in all, there were twelve messages in her answering machine. All of them, from Sai. For some weird reason, she felt a bit confused and angry that not one of them even came from Dearka. For a whole week, she had not heard from him, while Sai had done nothing but bombard her with messages in her cell phone and answering machine.

Shaking her head tiredly, she pressed the erase button of her answering machine and buried her head in the sheets. Not a second later, she was crying again.

Why did falling in love have to be this painful?

Wiping angrily at her face, she pushed the sheets away and got out of bed. It was time to see someone.

0 -- 0 -- 0 -- 0

Dearka listened dumbly to Cagalli’s fingers as they tapped rhythmically on her desk. The princess was studying a piece of paper about the proposals of her people in Morgenroete, but the glassy look in her eyes told the former Buster pilot that her mind was elsewhere. He had been standing there for almost half an hour already, but Cagalli was still not giving him the signal on what to do. The paper she was looking at was the proposal for construction of a museum. The Mobile Suits left, which Cagalli had pointed out as “things that eat up all their funds which could be allotted for better projects”, had after all taken it’s toll on maintenance, and if ever a war did occur, they would not be able to function any better than in display. All Cagalli had to do was stamp it, sign it, then hand it back to Dearka, but it seemed as if the princess was lost within the tiny block letters written on that single piece of paper.

Dearka finally cleared his throat loudly. “Should I come back later?”

He nearly jumped when Cagalli suddenly slammed her palm on the desk, making the paper she had been studying for some time now flutter away onto the floor.

“You are keeping something from me, and I want you to tell me what it is. Right now,” Cagalli said in a calm voice, but her auburn eyes burned holes into his head.

Dearka raised his eyebrows at her, amused. She was obviously aware of the situation that he wondered why she had to ask him about it. “I’m sure you’ve heard about it from Athrun already. Sai found out, we brawled a little in Miriallia’s apartment, and now she doesn’t want to see both of us. That’s all there is to it. What else haven’t you heard?”

Cagalli nearly bristled. “I haven’t heard that part on the reason why you haven’t called her.”

Dearka narrowed his eyes at her. Of course, this was not the first time he had had this lecture. Athrun was more than livid when he found out that he hadn’t even seen her, especially that Sai was away. “I’m not going to rush Miriallia into anything, especially since I am proximity-wise, able to do so. It would be bad on her part and unfair to Sai.”

He nearly doubled back on his words. Normally, any guy in his position would be more than happy to swipe the girl off her feet with the competition away, but he did not have the heart to do so. Sai was a good man. Even he knew that he did not deserve this suffering.

Cagalli studied him for a second too long, then shook her head in wonderment. “Dearka, let me remind you that this is not a competition, this isn’t a race, and you three are no longer children. All you have to do is decide on what you want the outcome to be, and do your damn best to reach that goal.”

Dearka laughed at her analogy, and, deciding this was going to be a long, long talk, he sat down on the couch across Cagalli’s desk. “Cagalli, you tell me. If you were in Miriallia’s shoes, what would you do? Will you intentionally hurt a man as good as Sai just to be with a guy you haven’t seen for ten years, guided only by pining away over him because he never called, never wrote, never even said hello until lately? Miriallia is too nice to disregard other people’s feelings. That’s just her.”

This made Cagalli shake her head vigorously. “Okay, let’s pause one minute and remember the big, big possibility that she may not choose you.”

Dearka felt his left cheek twitch violently. For the past week, he had been trying to ignore that big, big possibility. He was succeeding, until Cagalli tactlessly pointed it out. He felt his heart skip a beat at that probability as he gripped the couch with both hands clenching into fists. He looked away from Cagalli. “If that happens, then I die.”

Cagalli sighed. “What are you going to do?”

Dearka rubbed his temple with one hand. The things he refused to think about crashed into him like a wave. It was the first time in his long years of living that he felt desperately, helplessly lost. What was he to do? What can he do?

It was only when he felt Cagalli’s arms around him that he realized he was shivering uncontrollably. Like a child hugs his mother, he returned her embrace, hungrily searching for comfort.

He felt Cagalli stroking his hair gently. “It will be all right. You’ll be all right…”

Dearka shook his head stubbornly. “Not without her. Not without Miriallia. I’ve been a fool having to have made her wait this long for me. Even now I can’t forgive myself for causing her this much pain because I was a coward. And now, I won’t be able to forgive myself even more if I caused her more pain as it is. But I don’t know what to do… I don’t know what will cause her the littlest pain, if I just stay away, or be with her… ”

The princess nodded in understanding. “It must be hard. I wish I could understand more what you could be feeling. But I don’t. Talk to her… Make her know your feelings. She must be very confused…”

Dearka squeezed his eyes shut, a lone tear trickled down his face. “I don’t know what to do… I don’t know what to do…”