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When the God of Death came flying into my arms and playfully asked, "Hey, do you want to play with death?", I grumpily told him to get the hell lost.
Thanatos この命が終るまで
I looked up from my laptop to watch him stalking across the living room, his violet eyes narrowed playfully, his small feet barely making any noise atop the plush carpet. His dark clothing dramatically crashed with cream-colored carpet and furniture around us, but somehow he made himself virtually invisible, moving smoothly across the room like a shadow. He reminded me of a black cat. A stray one.
"Gah!" Wufei yelped as he was tackled from behind. Duo was quick, efficient, and deadly, even if his loud laughter somewhat ruined the effect. Within moments he straightened himself, triumphantly holding up a small package in the air. Wufei picked himself up from the floor, glaring at the other. "Hey, give back my manjyuu!"
"No way. This one is the last one, isn't it? Don't be cheap and share!" Duo retorted, sticking his tongue out. Wufei looked annoyed, but he relented and gave the snack up. He's a guy like that. Knowing that Duo would probably enjoy the sweet more than he would, he'd easily relent the snack. Duo knew this as well, because he helped Wufei up and gave him a hug. "I'll buy another package later, okay?"
Duo's eyes met mine. He broadly grinned. "What? Jealous, Hiiro? I don't mind giving you a hug, too!"
"I am unlike you Americans. I do not believe in unnecessary physical contact with others," I curtly told him. I had not intended my voice to sound so cold, but it upset me that Duo would hug anyone so freely like that. It was his culture, yes, but that didn't mean I would be able to accept it easily.
Duo seemed downcast at my tone. Feeling awkward, I returned to my laptop. I stared at the screen, but the corner of my eyes were watching Duo trudge across the room to the other side and settling on the sofa, curling himself up like a cat. He started to eat the manjyuu he had snatched away from Wufei.
Duo told me that he 'loved' me. Numerous times, he would tightly hug me, happily declaring his love for me. I did not understand what he meant by that. For him, 'love' did not seem to hold much meaning. He 'loved' his breakfast. He 'loved' rain. He 'loved' the way light would fall across my eyes and make it a bright sapphire blue. If 'love' was something so cheap and easily given, I did not need it. For me, the concept of '愛情(aijou – love)' was much more sacred. I coldly told him that I did not need nor want his love. If I accepted his love and returned it, then what? If it's so easily given, then it could also be easily taken away, right?
Duo was 'death'. Only thanatos (death) held any meaning for him. Surely, a God of Death could not sincerely love another. Thus it made sense to deny his feelings. The only problem with my logic was that somewhere along the line, I had learned to return his feelings. My heart would flutter and warm up when he's around. I would feel content and comfortable in his presence. When he talked to me, it was entertaining.
Eros (life). 恋(koi – affection). Somehow I was feeling things that were not allowed to be felt towards someone as dangerous as Duo. But by the time I realized that, it was already too late. I harshly denied my feelings and shoved it to the bottom of my conscious, but everyday the feeling would just get stronger. But even as I reluctantly acknowledged the presence of the emotion, I did not express my feelings. It seemed pointless to do that when all that would result in was for me to get hurt.
I stopped walking and turned my head towards the source of the sound. The room's door was slightly ajar, allowing me to hear the conversation of the inhabitants of the room. I heard a shifting sound.
"Oh, Duo. He doesn't hate you. He acts like that to everyone. You have to admit, he does talk to you more than he does to anyone else. If anything, I think you are the only one he really acknowledges."
"As a comrade, sure," Duo said. I frowned. Just this morning he loudly declared his love for me—yet again—before he tried to embrace me. I stepped aside, causing him to nearly plummet into the wall. Because he was always so moronically happy, I had assumed that he was not capable of sounding so depressed. He had just proven my theory wrong, because his voice became even smaller and sadder. "But… I have deeper feelings for him than that. I'm a straightforward guy, so I couldn't help but confess to him, even though I knew he'd reject me. But then, you know, if he treats me like dirt, I can't help but feel dejected… Do you think he likes the little lady after all?"
"Sure he does," Quatre said. Then he hurriedly amended, "He likes the princess very much, but only in a brotherly way. The same way you like Miss Hilde. Surely you know that, Duo."
"No, I don't know that." Duo sighed. "Sometimes he would look at me, and his eyes would soften just a tiny bit so that it'll look like a deep, clear ocean, not a blue marble. But when my eyes meet his he would immediately harden his eyes again, and that hurts. Because his eyes are always liquid when he's around Relena."
"She's the only friend he has, Duo."
"Oh, and what am I? A random guy who sleeps, eats, and breathes the same air with him twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week?" Duo sounded snappish. He immediately added, "…Sorry. I'm just frustrated."
"You're not his friend, Duo," Quatre softly said. "You are… Hiiro, do you need something?"
Quatre must have decided that he had had enough of this conversation. Or perhaps he wanted me to clarify what Duo meant to me. I pushed the door open all the way and leaned against the doorframe, my arms crossed over my chest. I broodingly looked at Duo, who squirmed under my gaze. Then I turned my head away.
"Ah, you want me to leave?" Quatre brightly asked. Before I could reply, he jumped off the bed and hurriedly left the room, lightly touching my arm before he left. "Trowa must be waiting for me anyway. Good night, you two. And Hiiro, tell Duo what you really want."
He gave me a gentle nudge before he closed the door and left. I could feel Duo's eyes on me. He decided to break the silence. He's always the one who started our conversations. "…Do you need something, Hiiro? Or do you want me to leave?"
"I hate death."
"…"
I turned to directly meet his gaze with mine. "I always flirt with death, Duo. Most of my missions are suicidal missions; one mistake and I would not hesitate to press the self-destruction switch. But you are 'death' yourself. You yourself told me that the ones you love always die. Your love only brings death, Duo."
Duo flinched. I relentlessly continued. "Why do I hate you, you ask, when I voluntarily walk towards death every day of my life? Because even if I accept death, it is absolutely absurd for me to be fond of death. I am very fond of you, and not just the cheap 'I love this, I love that' that you throw around everywhere. If you truly want to be loved by me, then you must sincerely love me. You must go against your nature and embrace 'eros', instead of 'thanatos'. If your love is not enough to satisfy me, I will kill you."
"…You are threatening to kill the God of Death?" Duo asked in disbelief. "More than that, you honestly think I'm not sincere about my feelings towards you?"
"Tonight I had decided that you are sincere. Had I been not sure, I would not have even discussed this with you. What is your answer, Duo Maxwell? Will you be able to let me live, instead of killing me?"
Duo hesitated, then he stood up and walked towards me. He slowly wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and I did not move away. His bright violet eyes solemnly looked up to me, then his lips crooked into a smile. "If I decide to become death to you, instead of life, you can kill me. I don't mind. I'll never let you die, Hiiro."
At that I lowered my head and kissed him. He seemed surprised with the kiss, but he clung to my body and almost desperately kissed me back. His smaller body against mine felt surprisingly soft and warm. He felt very alive. I decided to accept the death snuggled in my arms, because he had promised me that he'd change into life for me.
Duo leapt up from his seat and lunged towards me. I caught him midair and settled him down to the floor again, but he clung to my arm. I gave an annoyed shake of my arm, but his clutch only tightened. "…Duo. I cannot put the groceries away if you insist on making one of my arms immobile."
Duo followed me to the kitchen, still refusing to let go of my arm. "That's okay; I'll help you!"
I didn't say anything else. Duo was a very possessive lover. When we made love he would get a fiery light in his eyes as he growled, "Only look at me, Hiiro. Only love me." He didn't like it when I left him for even the smallest amount of time. He'd often visit me at work. That was fine with me.
"Hiiro, Hiiro, say that for me again? You know, what you said last night when you were pounding me into the mattress."
I grimaced at his choice of words. I doubted the word 'eloquence' existed in Duo's head. But I obliged him, because he was eagerly looking at me. "好きだ。恋している。"
"It sounds so pretty," Duo happily said, wrapping his arms around me. "Always say that for me, okay, Hiiro? You can't say that to anyone else."
Instead of answering I patted his head, messing up his hair. He broke into loud laughter. Duo looked pretty when he laughed.
Violet pools spilled over with water, but the water that poured down from Duo's eyes were not violet-colored, but clear. He was crying. I have never seen Duo cry before, so I watched him in a morbid fascination. Somehow I always thought that if he cried, the tears would be violet-colored. After all, his eyes were such intense violet in color, almost like purple gemstones.
I picked up a handful of dirt and threw it on top of the coffin. I did not feel any sadness; only anger. Who did it? Who dared to kill him? Less than a week ago he was alive. Less than a week ago he was grumpily telling us about going back to his home colony, where the grave of his deceased wife was waiting for him. He tried his best not to look enthusiastic, but the laughter dancing in his eyes was more than enough to tell us that he was happy to return home; to return to his wife. Quatre wanted to throw a farewell party for him. It was Quatre who discovered mutilated corpse of our comrade Wufei Chang, his body torn into pieces and his blood sprayed all over his room like bright red paint.
The dirt landed on the coffin with a dull thud. I clenched my hands at my sides. I will find the murderer and make him pay tenfold. I will show him that there are fates worse than death.
"Hiiro! Isn't this awesome? Quatre looked so happy!"
The pretty smile was back on Duo's face, so I was relieved. I grunted something that was supposed to be a reply of sorts, but I looked up when I felt Duo's arms wrapping around my shoulders. He pressed his cheek against mine. "…But it'll get lonely if Quatre and Trowa leave, right? I'm really happy that they decided to marry, but I wish they wouldn't go to another colony after the marriage. Even Wufei's not here anymore, so this sucks."
His arms tightened around my shoulders. "You'll never leave me, right?"
"You're an idiot." I turned my head to look at him. "I promised you, did I not?"
Duo lowered his eyes and nodded. I sighed and pulled him closer to me, pecking his lips with mine in a series of light kisses. Duo climbed onto my lap and clung to me like a child.
"It's not like Trowa and Quatre are going away forever. They'll come back for visits."
"Yeah…" The idiotic goofy grin was back on his face. "And we can go visit them, too!"
"Exactly." I picked up his hair and lightly kissed the end of the braid. "Go get some sleep. If we want to see them off, we'll have to wake up early."
"Okay! Good night, Hiiro!"
"'Night."
We were being targeted. Someone was killing us off one by one, and yet I was powerless to stop him. Quatre looked angelic, even in his death. His decapitated head looked like he was simply sleeping. There was even a tiny smile upon his lips, despite his room being bathed with his blood and his barely recognizable body pieces being scattered all over the floor. His white-blonde hair looked strange, stained with blood like that. After Wufei had been killed, I had bowed to myself to protect the other pilots no matter what. I was useless.
Trowa had committed suicide shortly after he had discovered Quatre. When he had called us, there was no emotion in his voice. His voice that had warmed up when he was talking about Quatre, his voice that grew sharp when Quatre cried, his voice that softened when Quatre was sleeping in his arms—there was nothing left of that voice. By the time we arrived at Quatre's mansion, Trowa had already shot himself through his head.
While I contacted the authorities and undertakers, Duo curled up in the corner and stared at the river of blood with strange blank eyes. During the funeral, he continued to look like he was a corpse that had somehow managed to start walking.
"Duo. It will be better for you to cry."
Duo flinched and looked at me, then shook his head. I tightened my grasp on his shoulder. Only he and I were left. I'll protect him no matter what. Even if I must give up my life in order to do so—
お前だけは守って見せるぜ。
"Hiiro? What is it?" Duo asked, rubbing his head with a towel. His hair was a luxurious shade of caramel, and it felt very silky when I ran my hand through it. I really liked his hair. Even though I often demanded that he cut it for efficiency, actually I didn't want him to cut it. The curling long hair trailed down his smooth shoulders, down to his back. His skin was milky white, very soft to the touch. There was nothing faulty about him. I liked everything about him. So why… Why?
"I'm sick and tired of your idiocy, Duo," I flatly said. "I'm leaving you. I've decided to return to colony L1."
"…"
Please, please tell me that I'm wrong. Prove my theory wrong, Duo. Don't make me do anything to hurt you. Please…
"Wha… why? Hiiro… What did I do? I'm sorry. I'll never do it again, so don't leave me, Hiiro…" The towel slowly dropped on the floor as he rushed towards me, tightly hugging me, burying his face in my neck. "Please! I'll do anything you want! Hiiro, I'm sorry, it's all my bad, Hiiro…"
"Don't touch me!" I snapped, pushing him away. Duo landed on the floor and he stared at me, his huge eyes brimming with tears. "I'm going! I don't need someone like you anymore!"
"…won't… let you…" Duo's eyes turned strange, almost cat-like. There was a smile on his lips. Just a hint of insanity was cling to the corners of his mouth as he slowly stood up. "I won't… let you leave me, Hiiro…"
"Duo…"
"Even if I have to make you into a corpse, I'll make you stay by my side." Duo clutched at my wrists with almost inhuman strength, his eyes narrowing as he smirked. "You're mine, Hiiro. My friend. My lover. You're my everything. I won't let you leave."
He pushed me to the floor and held down my arms with his legs. From the pocket of his pants he produced a small knife. The edge of the knife was stained with crusted, dried blood. He pushed the knife into my shoulder blades, attempting to disjoint the limb. Blood spilled out. He gleefully stabbed me again and again. This was probably how he had killed the other two.
I pulled him into my arms, holding him close to me. Duo's eyes widened in shock and he stayed still. While he was distracted, I snatched the knife away and threw it across the room, then I sat up and held him even more tightly. Duo…
"…Hiiro?"
Duo sounded dazed. Multiple personality syndrome? Or perhaps his body immediately deleted memories that would traumatize him? Whatever it was, he didn't seem to remember that he was about to kill me only seconds before. He gently pulled away, looking confused. "What happened? Hiiro? …Are you crying?"
Damn it all, Duo.
"Hiiro, where are we going?" Duo asked. His hand that I held tightened anxiously around my fingers. "Why do you have such a scary expression on your face?"
"It's nothing," I said. I pulled him down to sit next to me. We were sitting at the edge of the colony, where we could see the border between the colony and the outer space. The outer space had no light, no air. It was the zone of death. Only a thin layer of glass separated us from life and death. I entwined my fingers with Duo's. "Duo, will you marry me?"
"…Hiiro?" Duo turned to look at me, his eyes nearly twice the normal size. "You… You really mean it?"
When I did my best to imitate a smile, he blushed and ducked his head. "…Okay."
"Let's go to L1 together," I said. "We'll buy a little house with garden and backyard around the Yokohama area. You said you wanted a dog, didn't you? We can get one."
Duo nodded and wrapped his arm around my waist, resting his head against my chest. "…I'm not dreaming, am I?"
"No, you're awake and alive."
Duo tensed. "Eh? Those red lights… They're prisoner cells for AA class criminals, right? I wonder why they're here… Look, they're coming closer to us."
"They have nothing to do with us," I said. My voice was starting to tremble, so I took a deep breath. All the years of training to wipe off my emotions would not crumble that easily. "Duo, look over there. Can you see L1 from here?"
The gun felt cold against my hands. This gun had been my constant companion as far back as I could remember. With Wing Zero, this gun had always served my purposes well. It's the last mission.
"That white one over there? Is that it?" Duo asked. I held the gun next to his neck, where his skull met his spine. It'll be quick and painless. He'll die without knowing what happened. "Hiiro, the patrol ships are getting closer and closer…"
"Ignore them. It's not that one; look over there."
I placed my finger against the trigger. I had already taken the safety pin out and cocked the gun. I'll protect Duo's past by destroying his present. Until this life of mine ends, I'll protect him. Even though he was supposed to be 'death', even though he caused so many 'deaths', he was still the brightest part of my life. He made my 'life' sparkle more brightly than it could have. He was a 'life' to me. A single tear rolled down my cheek, making a wet trail behind it.
"I love you, Duo."
The gun was almost noiseless, and Duo slumped into my arms. He was smiling. I kissed his still warm lips. "I'll see you at the other side, thanatos."
I lifted the still-smoking gun nuzzle against the temple of my head, smiled, and pulled on the trigger.
