I don't own the MGS characters, Detrol, James Bond, Titanic, Love Story, or the lyrics to The Wind Beneath My Wings. Don't ask.

Where did we leave off...? Oh yeah. Volgin fucked Snake up.

Chapter 9

Love Hurts, and so Does Torture

SCENE: Torture Room. Snake's POV for the time being, so it's pitch black. Sokolov can be heard squealing. After he's outta the way, Volgin decides to come after Snake again. SLAM! CRUNCH! BANG! KABOOM! And ZAP! How could I forget ZAP?

Volgin removes the bag or whatever it is from Snake's head. Then he punches and shocks him some more. Slam, crunch, blah blah. Snake wets himself. Ocelot looks annoyed, while Tatyana is watching in horror.

Volgin: I know you're after my Legacy! I know you are! Admit it!

Ocelot clears his throat and stamps his foot impatiently.

Volgin: Hold your horses, Ocelot. (punches Snake) This is for trying to steal my Legacy! (punches Snake) And this is for seducing Ivan, (punches Snake) stealing his clothes, (punches Snake) killing him (punches Snake) and stuffing his body inside of a locker!

Ocelot: (impatient) Colonel.

Volgin: Oh, fine. If it'll shut you up. (punches Snake) We know you took Ocelot's mousetrap! What'd you do with it, huh? (turns to Ocelot) Happy now?

Ocelot: Ecstatic.

The Boss enters.

The Boss: He won't talk. He's been trained not to break. Trained by me. Besides, he doesn't have the mousetrap. He prefers to tranquilize mice and rats and keep them in cages.

Ocelot: Another one of your techniques?

The Boss: Of course. You never know when you'll need a caged rat.

Volgin: Whatever. I'm sick of punching him. Cut out his eyes.

Tatyana: (stepping in front of Snake) No! Don't! He's suffered enough!

Ocelot: It was you! Give me back my mousetrap, bitch! Uh, I mean... (sniffs Tatyana, then grabs her boob) Tatyana, you're the spy! Yeah...

Just then, the transparent figure of a man appears behind Volgin. The man is holding up what looks to be a small cue card with the number 144.75 written on it. Then he vanishes.

Snake: (repeating the number, trying to memorize it. Who knows, it might come in handy.) 144.75...144.75...

Ocelot: I want to test this woman. I'll let my revolvers be the judge.

Volgin: (whimpering) Ivan...

Ocelot loads a single bullet into one of his guns.

Volgin: (still whimpering) I'll never let go...

Ocelot juggles his guns.

Volgin: (singing) Did you ever know that you're my hero...

Ocelot pulls the trigger. Click. Nothing.

Volgin: (still singing) Something something something, I can fly higher than an eagle...

Ocelot juggles some more.

Volgin: (still singing) But you are the wind beneath my wings...

Ocelot pulls the trigger again. Click. Nothing.

Volgin: (sniffles) Love means never having to say you're sorry...

Ocelot juggles some more.

Volgin: Damnit Ocelot, I'm running out of stuff to say here, would you just shoot her already! Hmm...Ocelot.

(Insert flashback of the Fear licking Ocelot's face outside the warehouse here.)

Little hearts appear above Volgin's head. He's so over Raikov, and it would appear he now fancies Ocelot. Volgin grabs Ocelot's ass just as he fires his gun, and this time, there's actually a bullet in the chamber. Having his ass grabbed by his commanding officer obviously effects Ocelot's aim and instead of hitting his intended target, Tatyana, he winds up shooting Snake's right eye out.

Tatyana screams in horror, Snake cries out in pain, Ocelot looks pale at the prospect of becoming Volgin's rebound guy, and the Boss is reminded that she truly is in a no-win situation. Volgin exits, followed not so closely by Ocelot. The Boss decides to shoot Snake in the thigh before making her exit. Tatyana is last to leave, pausing to tell Snake she's got his gear, and is working on their escape.

SCENE: Snake's prison cell. He receives a call from the Major.

Major Zero: Snake! Are you all right?

Snake: If just having the shit beaten out of me and one of my eyes shot out counts as all right, yeah.

Major Zero: Good to hear it. Back to the mission, then.

Snake: Hey!

Major Zero: Oh, don't worry about your eye. You've still got one, haven't you? Besides, we'll get you a nice glass eye when you come back. Maybe we could put a teeny tiny camera inside of it. Or a goldfish.

Snake: Enough with the James Bond crap, already. Major, I need to tell you something.

Major Zero: What is it?

Snake: When I dug out the bullet the Boss shot me with, there was a Detrol pill inside.

Major Zero: A what?

Para-Medic: Detrol. It's a pill for urinary incontinence that won't hit the market for more than 3 decades.

Snake: Yeah, speaking of that-why did I piss myself? I'm not an Emmerich.

Major Zero: You're forgetting something very important. This is a Metal Gear Solid game. It's required that someone piss themselves.

Snake: But Sokolov already did. Three times.

Major Zero: Oh. Right. Then perhaps it's God's way of punishing you for not liking James Bond.

Snake: (mumbling obscenities) Over and out.

SCENE: Snake's prison cell. Still. Snake realizes he needs to escape, though he hasn't made any real effort to do so. He figures if he waits long enough, a scientist will bring him a bottle of ketchup, then some sort of cyborg ninja will come to break him out. Yup. He's staying put. Because there's no way he's gonna eat that vampire bat without ketchup. He decides to dial up that frequency the ghost guy gave him in the torture room while he waits.

Woman's Voice: Hey baby.

Snake: What the...?

Woman's Voice: What's your name?

Snake: ...Snake.

Woman's Voice: Ooh... Snake, huh? You sound hot.

Snake: What the hell is this? Is this supposed to be like phone sex or something?

Woman's Voice: I love it when you talk dirty. So, what are you wearing?

Snake: Camouflage and a bunch of gauze.

Woman's Voice: That's hot. You sound...hot. How big is your (giggles) snake?

Snake: EVA? Is that you?

The radio cuts out suddenly...

SCENE: Graniny Gorki Lab, Lounge. A man in a lab coat and a cyborg ninja are sitting at a table, playing cards. A bottle of ketchup sits on the table.

Ninja: Do you have any threes?

Scientist: Go fish.

SCENE: Snake has managed to escape from his cell, no thanks to the scientist and the cyborg ninja who couldn't tear themselves away from their Go Fish game to bring him ketchup and rescue him. He vows to find them both and give them a piece of his mind-he'll have them know that vampire bat tasted like shit.

Anyway, Snake has made his way to the sewers where he is cornered by Ocelot and his men. The better part of the Ocelot Unit, Ocelot included, are standing in front of Snake, guns drawn. There are several attack dogs as well, fangs bared and growling at Snake.

Ocelot: I've been waiting for this! Nobody interfere! (loading his gun) Meow.

The attack dogs stop growling at Snake, choosing to maul Ocelot instead. Snake decides to make the most of the situation by doing a belly flop from really high up.

SCENE: It's foggy. Snake is walking slowly through a shallow river as trees burn to either side of him. The Sorrow appears.

The Sorrow: Only you can prevent forest fires. Um...I mean, witness now the destruction you have caused with your own hands...

Transparent guards wearing bloody uniforms stumble around in the water. Snake recognizes them as the men whose throats he accidentally slit while I was trying to interrogate them.

Snake: Hey... You're the guy who appeared out of nowhere and gave me that weird radio frequency back in the torture room, aren't you? Pervert.

The Sorrow: ...I don't know what you're talking about. (clears throat) These are the souls of those whose lives you have taken...

Snake: Right. Whatever. Deny it. Like I really care. Let's get this shit over with.

The Sorrow: Staring death in the face is shit to you, huh?

Snake: Well, it's just-is this really supposed to persuade me not to kill as many people my next time through the game? Because that's just cheesy.

The Sorrow: Cheesy? Oh yeah? Well, your son is gonna kill you!

Snake: What?

A decaying rabbit hops right through Snake.

Snake: The animals too? You've got to be kidding me.

The Sorrow: So much sadness... So much sorrow... Of course the animals. You killed them, didn't you?

Snake: This is ridiculous.

The Sorrow: Trust me, it gets worse.

Snake: I don't think that's possible.

Naked Raikov stumbles up to, then right through Snake.

Snake: I stand corrected.

The Sorrow: Seriously, why did you have to kill him? Couldn't you just have knocked him out or something? Didn't you realize that killing him would result in him strolling through the imaginary river of death completely naked?

Snake: What are you complaining about? At least he didn't just walk through you.

The Sorrow: You make a good point. Well, I think you've learned your lesson. Time to go back to your own world.

SCENE: Underwater. Snake opens his eyes, very quickly takes in his surroundings, and struggles to make his way to the surface.

SCENE: Ocelot emerges from the sewers. His clothes are wet and torn and he has several cuts and bite marks on his face. A random soldier approaches him.

Soldier: Major! (salutes) ...Are those bite marks?

Ocelot: Blow me.

Soldier: Yes, sir!

SCENE: Tygjhieldpfjfnskldczmxbwut, or whatever that place is called. Having survived his encounter with the Sorrow and the naked ghost of Major Raikov, Snake decides to call EVA.

EVA: Snake! You didn't call! I was worried you might have figured out I'm not really EVA.

Snake: What?

EVA: Uh... Hit right on the D-pad. I've added a picture of my cleavage for you to look at because you never seem to have the opportunity to stare at my chest in person.

Snake: Heh. Thanks.

EVA: Okay. There's a cave nearby. Let's meet there. You can eat snake-and-frog-cabobs while I prance around in my bra and panties and act slutty.

Snake: Okay. Hey, wait a minute. What do you mean you aren't really EVA?

EVA: Gotta go, Snake. I just made a bike ramp at the ruins of the factory and I wanna try jumping a line of those explosive barrels. See you at the cave.

Snake: Wait!

EVA: Remember what I said about hitting right on the D-pad?

Snake: (hits right on the D-pad) Mmm...Boobies.

EVA: (looks down at her boobs) At ease, girls.

Snake ends his conversation with EVA. (More or less. The transmission ends while Snake is still fantasizing about her knockers.)

Snake heads for the cave to meet up with EVA, who may or may not really be EVA after all...