|Holidays Are Hazardous to Your Health
Author: Red Witch PM
Celebrate the holidays with the XMen and Misfits. With enough TV inspired madness, bickering relatives and stupid antics this is definitely not gonna be your typical Christmas fic! Finally finished in time for the holidays!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 27,472 - Reviews: 153 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 12-25-04 - Published: 12-16-04 - Status: Complete - id: 2174762
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Here it is wrapped up in a pretty bow. The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution or GI Joe or any Marvel Characters. Well after TSOCL here's a fun fic for the holiday season! This is where I get to torture as many characters as possible in a fun way!
Holidays Are Hazardous To Your Health
Chapter 1: Home for the Holidays
"I can't believe it's December already," Kurt said as he helped decorate the huge Christmas tree in the library. Several students were in the library having an impromptu party before winter break. Some of the students were off to be with their families while others were staying behind. One had already left to be with her family but would return soon.
"When is Kitty gonna be back?" Danielle asked.
"Tonight is the last night of Hanukah this year," Xavier told her. "So Kitty should be back by the end of the week."
"I'm still gonna miss her," Danielle sighed. "But it'll be good to see my Grandfather again."
"Yeah we've all had a very stressful year," Warren sighed. "And seeing our relatives is supposed to make us relax? Yeah right."
"So who's going and who's staying this time?" Hank asked as he drank from a cup of cocoa. He conferred with Logan and Xavier.
"Kurt and Rogue will be here," Xavier told him. "Kurt's adopted parents from Germany are coming to meet Rogue and see their son for the holidays."
"Is that gonna be okay?" Logan asked. "I mean we ain't exactly had much luck with houseguests lately."
"My parents used to live in a circus and my great grandmother was a Romani gypsy witch," Kurt overheard. "Trust me I doubt there's anything that will shock them very much."
"Who else? Scott?" Logan asked.
"No I'm going over to Hawaii to be with Alex and his family this year," Scott said. "Which will be kind of nice. The Masters are really cool."
"You're not gonna act all weird and jealous this visit are you?" Jean asked him.
"Jealous?" Scott asked. "Why would I be jealous of Alex? That's crazy."
"Well that's good to know," Jean said.
Scott then muttered. "Just because he got adopted and grew up in Hawaii with loving parents while I was stuck in an orphanage in Alaska, I'm not jealous."
"Well…" Jean shrugged.
Scott continued. "And when he got outed as a mutant did the entire student body shun him like they did us in Bayville? Noooo! Most of his classmates and teachers stood by him!"
"Wait, when did he get outed?" Ray asked.
"When we all fought Apocalypse, dummy!" Tabitha hit him on the head. "Remember SHEILD allowed some recorded footage out to the media. We were all on it!"
"Yes and everyone in the world saw it," Scott sighed. "But unlike Bayville the people in Alex's town appreciated what we did!"
"Really?" Kurt blinked. "I didn't know that!"
"Well more than half his town is made up of Native Hawaiians and other minorities so they know something about discrimination," Scott said.
"You mean the jocks didn't hassle him?" Tabitha asked.
"Hassle him? The jocks there are all his surfing buddies," Scott said acidly. "So while we got rocks thrown at us, they carried him on their shoulders all around the school!"
"You mean they actually accepted him?" Rogue was surprised.
"Rogue, the town Alex lives in has a dog for a mayor!" Scott snapped. "While we get a Senator Kelly wannabe! How can they hate him when half the town council believes that aliens are trying to communicate to the world through pizza commercials? How could they not accept him? He one of the few sane people there!"
"Scott that's a little…" Jean tried to diffuse his frustration.
"Jean I was there a couple of times, I know what that place is like!" Scott snapped. "It's unbelievable the nuts that live there! Happy tolerant hippie lunatics who like to hug trees and sing songs while we get stuck with bigoted conservative jerks who like to protest in front of our gates! Yeah life is fair!"
"Well no wonder he hasn't come here," Ray said. "Sounds like he's got it pretty sweet."
"Of course he does, everything goes great for Alex," Scott grunted. "Even when we were kids he got more Legos than I did! He stole them from me Jean! He swiped them from my box when everybody else was asleep!"
"Scott, please!" Jean pleaded. "And I thought I was the one who was uptight over the holidays!"
"What do you have to be uptight about? Your family is going to the Bahamas for Christmas!" Scott asked.
"Yeah and all I am going to hear is my mother and grandmother asking me when I'm going to outgrow this 'X-Men' phase as she calls it and get engaged to a nice 'normal' boy," Jean moaned. "The latter is my grandmother talking of course. She didn't take the news of me being a mutant well."
"Oh boy," Scott sighed.
"And of course this is the year little sister Sarah graduated with perfect grades," Jean said bitterly. "And she's dating a pre-med student. So she's grandma's darling. Of course she always was. Even when we were kids she was the favorite. While she got fifty-dollar bills for her birthday, you know what I always got? Guess? Handkerchiefs! That's what I got! Every freaking year handkerchiefs! Sometimes I'd get a whole box full! I once got a box full of fifty of those things that fall to pieces if you breathe on it, much less blow your nose! I mean how many handkerchiefs does a person need? GOD I HATE HER!"
"Jean, take nice long deep breaths," Scott comforted her.
"So who else is staying?" Hank quickly changed the subject.
"As far as I know, Bobby, Ray, Tabitha, Jesse, Peter, Jamie, Remy, Forge, Jubilee and Rina," Xavier said. "And Kitty when she gets back."
"Quite a full house this year," Logan sipped his coffee.
"You know Logan, this will be your first year with the girls," Xavier raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah that's some experience I'm looking forward to," Logan sighed. "One who's never had Christmas before and the other who lost her parents."
"It is going to be difficult," Xavier said. "The first holiday is always the hardest. Many children just shut down and withdraw completely."
"All right everyone!" Jubilee stormed in with her hands full of crafts. "Who's up for making scented pinecone ornaments?"
"Jubilee is going into the Martha Stewart in denial route," Logan winced.
"Hey Tabitha you get to visit your mom in a few days right?" Jamie asked. "That should be cool."
"Oh yeah, having a Dad in the big house and a mom in rehab is a wonderful way to spend the holidays," Tabitha groaned.
"At least your mom gave you up because she just couldn't take care of you!" Ray snapped. "She still loves you!"
"Yeah she didn't just dump you because she didn't want you anymore," Bobby grunted.
"What are you complaining about? At least you guys have parents," Jesse grunted.
"Well, I wish mine were dead right about now," Ray grunted.
"Will all of you stop saying such horrible things?" Ororo shouted at them. "You should be lucky that you have families and people who care about you and…" She choked back a sob and ran out of the room.
"There she goes again," Logan moaned. "Five will get you ten we have a blizzard in the next twenty minutes."
"Poor Ororo," Amara said. "I mean what with Evan did and her family not speaking to her, it's gonna be rough."
"We've all had it rough," Hank swirled his cocoa. "Some of us were stupid and broke up with our girlfriends. What an idiot I was! What was I thinking?"
"What was I thinking?" Peter moaned.
"I knew there was a good reason I hated the holidays," Logan moaned.
"Everyone please!" Xavier called to them. "Now I know this past year has been hard on everyone. But despite our hardships we should take this time to remember our blessings. We all have each other. We've all become a family and should cherish and celebrate this holiday season. We should all think about how much we mean to each other and be thankful for what we have."
Just then the door slammed. Kitty stormed in. "I hate the holidays!" She announced. "I hate my family. And this has been the suckiest year ever!"
"And god bless us everyone," Logan quipped. "Half pint what are you doing here? You're not supposed to get back for at least another day?"
"MY PARENTS ARE MANIACS!" Kitty shouted. "THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING HERE!"
"I take it the decision of your parents to spend their first divorced Hanukah together with their significant others didn't fare so well?" Hank sighed.
"Oh no Mr. McCoy, it was just peachy! You wanna hear about my wonderful holiday? On the first night of Hanukah you know what Jesse D gave Donald? A black eye!" Kitty snapped. "On the second night of Hanukah my mother gave Donald a vase, which she hit it on his head!"
"Oh boy…" Scott winced.
"On the third night of Hanukah," Kitty continued. "We got two visits from the police because the neighbors complained about the noise. On the fourth night of Hanukah we were kicked out of two restaurants, three taxicabs and had another encounter with the police on the subway. The fifth night we got together with the rest of the family. It was kind of quiet…for about five seconds when my mother told her mother, my nana, that she was divorced and dating a younger man. You see my parents had neglected to tell the rest of the family that they had gotten divorced as well as a few other things. Like my dad being gay, me being a mutant and my Uncle Herbert announcing that after twelve years as an accountant, he was going to devote his life to searching for the Loch Ness Monster…In New Jersey! It was a magical night!"
"Ouch," Rogue winced.
"Night number six was interesting," Kitty went on. "Mom, Dad and Donald got drunk and Jesse D and I had to keep things under control. Mom passed out and Dad and Donald got into an argument and started crying. Night number seven I caught Mom and her boyfriend making out in the closet while Donald and Dad got into a fight with the neighbors. And tonight I caught my Dad and Donald making out in the closet while my mother 'accidentally' set the food Donald made on fire. It was then I decided to give myself a present and come home early! So if anyone needs me, I will be in my room, screaming for several hours!" She stormed out.
"Hawaii is looking kind of peaceful right now, eh Scott?" Bobby looked at him.
"An active volcano is looking more peaceful than this holiday is shaping up to be," Scott moaned.
"Stand back folks," Logan sighed. "It's gonna be a bumpy ride…"