Author: Baron Hausenpheffer PM
Hand is wearing on D's last nerve. Will the vampire hunter suffer in silence, or will D bite the hand that feeds him? R&R, my pretties! Heeheeheeheehee!Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Words: 461 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 11 - Published: 12-21-04 - Status: Complete - id: 2182928
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Hunter D, but I bought his brother (Vampire Hunter W) on Ebay.
Author's note: This takes place in the original Vampire Hunter D style. Hand was an annoyingly arrogant appendage back then.
"Sigh... I fear I'm stuck in a rut."
The legendary vampire hunter was right. Everything had been more and more of the same lately. He was riding his black horse (as usual), was feeling rather depressed (as usual), was wondering why he felt compelled to wear heavy black clothing in this sweltering heat (as usual), and Hand was making a real pain of himself (AS USUAL).
"I still can't believe your idiocy!" grumbled Hand. "Everyone knows that you don't eat steak with the small fork!"
"I don't know if you've noticed," D replied drily, "but we dunpeals rarely get invited to dinner. I was out of practice."
"Excuses, excuses!" retorted Hand. "Your father wasn't the most popular guy in Romania, but HE knew proper table etiquette! It's no different from that other time."
"What other time?" D asked, annoyed.
"Most of them!" Hand laughed. "Like the time you accidentally chased the vampire Countess von Sundheim into a women's bathhouse. Hahaha! Or perhaps that time when you were robbed blind by that willow the wisp in the swamp! He even took your clothes; y-you had to hide in th-that (hahaha!) swamp for three days! HAHAHAHA!!!"
D was blushing deep crimson, a very hard thing to do to this stoic vampire slayer. Just then, they came to a fork in the road.
"Hmm..." said Hand thoughtfully. "I wonder which would be the better path to take?"
All of the sudden, a grin came over D's face. "I know just how to pick. We'll use the scientific method."
Hand's eyes opened wide. "You don't mean... NO! Not That!!!"
"Yes!" D cackled evilly as he tightened his other hand into a fist and maneuvered it above his/Hand's open palm.
"Ooowww!!!!" screamed Hand.
"Pleeeeease! No more!" Hand moaned in agony.
Hand was black and blue, and missing a few teeth.
"You numbskull..." he gasped. "How many times do I have to tell you? That's not the scientific method, and besides, it only works when you have two people!"
"My apologies, Hand," D courteously replied (emphasis on the -lied). "It seems I forgot again. It won't happen next time."
"See that...it...doesn't..." Hand muttered before passing out.
Taking the road on the left, our Nosferatu-slammin' hero rode off into the sunset, feeling much happier.
Hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed thinking it up! Please review!