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Mae is the most darling girl in the world. Her hair is long enough now for it to curl and her eyes have stared to change colors. They won’t be fixed until she is past the one year point but it’s pretty safe to say that they won’t be staying blue. She smiles now. Her cubby cheeks dimple and she coos when I smile back at her.
She’s beautiful.
I can spend hours just watching her sleep. She sighs and scrunches her nose up and I wonder what dreams are filling her unconscious mind. I love the warm weight of her sleeping body on my chest. I love the way she roots at my breast in her sleep. I love absolutely everything about her.
I can’t wait until she can talk. I want to know what is going on behind those bright eyes. I want to hear her thoughts and opinions. I want to hear her call me Mummy and say that she loves me.
Sometimes I wish there was spell I could use to freeze her exactly as she is. I want her to stay small and adorable the rest of my life. I want always to feel the weight of her in my arms and smell that sweet baby scent. She has already grown so much. It seems like she doubles in size over night. I’m afraid to blink for fear that I’ll miss something vital.
Draco laughs when I tell him how I feel. He says that she’s still a mite of a thing and that I will have years and years to watch her grow. He doesn’t understand how finite a thing childhood is. How can he? He’s not a father.
Mum, on the other hand, understands perfectly. She says to take a thousand pictures each day and to cherish every second I have because before I know it Mae will be a headstrong teenager who knows everything and thinks I’m a thicko. Not a comforting thought at all, really.
I could kill her. I could bloody well kill her. What does she know about children? She’s been married, what, six months now and as such is a stepmother. But seeing as how she didn’t even see Mae for the first two months of her life and has had minimal contact with her since, I don’t think she is at all qualified to make judgments.
Harry only sees Mae for two hour blocks and I know for a fact that Hermione has yet to be alone with her. Which means that Hermione has no, as in zero, experience as a mother. And even if she did, how could she possibly judge my parenting style when she has yet to see me actually interact with Mae? I drop her off to Harry and then leave. Two hours later I pick her up. What takes place during that time is a mystery to me. What takes place in my home is equally mysterious to Hermione.
And what exactly have I done that makes me a terrible mother in the first place?
Mae is six months old. She’s perfectly healthy according to her latest well baby check up and is actually a little advanced for her age in certain areas. Which means I am doing just fine, thanks. Merlin, she doesn’t even have diaper rash, although, to be honest, credit for that goes to my Mum. She’s got this amazing set of parenting charms. Taught me them before little Mae was born and I swear that they are the only things keeping me sane.
So, as I was saying, I am not a bad mother. And even if I was, where does Hermione get off telling the world about it? Say that I was neglecting Mae in some way, shouldn’t Hermione talk to me about it? Shouldn’t she maybe drop a hint or two to me? And if she felt like maybe that would be too awkward a situation, couldn’t she send me an owl? Not that I would read anything she sent to me, but still.
Who goes on the wireless and levels all sorts of unfounded accusations?
The wireless isn’t the right forum for that kind of a discussion.
And Glenda didn’t even ask about me or Mae. She just asked a simple question about life as a newlywed. And Hermione goes all noble and longer suffering and blathers on about how hard it is to deal with immature people who think of nothing but themselves and use their innocent babies as weapons.
Utter rubbish.
Unfortunately, I am the only one, outside of my family and close friends, who sees it that way. I have gotten too many Howlers to count. I had to take my fireplace off the Floo network and going out in public is like walking the gauntlet. Because I am the nation’s number one target at the moment.
I’ve stopped taking the papers. It’s just too hard to see my face and read all those blistering editorials. Last I heard seventy percent of The Daily Prophet’s subscribers think I should lose custody of Mae. Seventy percent. With ten percent saying that they don’t care. Which means I’ve got ten percent in my corner and I bet all of them are rabid Harry Haters angry at the way purebloods have all but faded into obscurity.
Draco, of course, said that I should sue for libel. Not that I will. I don’t want any more attention put on the matter then already has been. And Hermione did send me an apology. I did not respond to it, of course, but she sent it all the same. I’m still ready to kill the stupid bint, but sue her? What’s the point?
I can’t leave my flat. I literally cannot leave my flat. Why? Because a band of mental women have taken to stalking me and documenting my every move in an attempt to gather evidence of my alleged mistreatment of my daughter. That’s right. They are stalking me to prove that I am a bad mother. Can the world get any more insane?
I’ve had to resign from my job and am pretty much living on charity at the moment. Mum says that I should move in with her, but I don’t want the madness that has become my life to flow over into hers. Draco has repeatedly made similar offers and I am hard pressed to keep turning him down.
My options are fairly limited, to say the least. I have spent nearly all of my savings and cannot live on the child support that Harry sends. Besides, it feels wrong to use that money for anything other then Mae. My objections to moving back to the Burrow don’t apply to Malfoy Manor. It’s got defensive magic built into the very foundations that I can’t even begin to understand and so the creepy mother-stalking brigade won’t be able to breach the premises.
But.
I don’t like the idea of taking advantage of my friend. I don’t want to rely on Draco’s good will. I don’t want to be dependant on him for the food that I eat and the roof over my head. Besides, it would be rather awkward if he should bring home a romantic interest.
Still, it is a tempting offer.
It’s a big house. I would probably be in a wing all by myself. I’m sure that I could avoid intruding on his privacy. And it would only be until things calmed down and I could go back to living my life. A few months from now, when all this has blown over, I will be able to move out again and maybe even repay him.
It’s not a terrible fate, living in the lap of luxury.
I take a hesitant step in their direction but am stopped by Draco’s hand on my arm. “Let them be,” he says softly. “Natty was my personal nanny-elf and is more than capable of handling an infant.”
“Isn’t she a bit old?” I say, narrowing my eyes at the house-elf.
“She is at that, but when she heard that I needed a nanny-elf to accompany me she begged to come and I couldn’t find the heart to tell her no. Don’t worry, she won’t be the one permanently assigned to Mae.”
I frown at him. “Permanently assigned?”
“Of course.”
“Draco, I don’t think I want a nanny-elf assigned to Mae, permanent or otherwise.”
“Nonsense. Of course you do,” Draco says, as he turns back to the task at hand.
“No, I don’t. I want to take care of Mae myself.”
“Having a nanny-elf won’t stop you from doing just that,” Draco said, stacking the shrunken boxes in a neat pile. “It will simply mean that you have another pair of eyes watching out for Mae at all times.”
“I don’t like house-elves,” I grudgingly admit.
“That’s only because you aren’t use to them.”
“Draco,” I say warningly.
“How about this,” he says, neatly cutting me off. “I’ll have a nanny-elf put in charge of the nursery for a week. If you still don’t like the idea of having one at the end of that time, then I will let you dismiss the nanny-elf and not say a word about it.”
I purse my lips, but nod. “Fair enough,” I say, still watching Natty who is levitate brightly colored balls over Mae’s head.
“I’m glad you decided to use your brain and accept my offer,” Draco says as he slips his wand into the inner pocket of his robes. He nods at a pair of house-elves who simper and snap their fingers, vanishing along with the stack of boxes.
“I didn’t honestly have much of a choice.”
“Still, I’m glad that you did.”
Mum and Dad aren’t pleased either, but both of them are resigned to the matter. Ron. Well, I haven’t actually seen Ron. No one has. But from his letter I gather that he doesn’t object to my new living arrangements. Or at least that’s what I assume “Fuck ‘em all, Ginny,” means. I worry about him.
I’ve got Mae to help me through. Ron has only Ron. And Ron is not exactly good company. I tried to talk Fred and George into visiting him, but they all said to mind my own business and then they fussed over Mae like she was the first baby ever born. So, of course, I couldn’t be mad at them.
All I can do is write to him. Which I do daily. And ask him to please, please, please write back. Which he never does. I don’t know what he is doing. Not that that is any different from normal. Ron takes his job very seriously and top secret means top secret. But with all that has happened in the last year and a half, well, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t wonder about how it is all affecting him.
Daisy adores Mae. She is happy to spend hours entertaining her and seems to find inner bliss whenever she changes a nappy or cleans up sick. Which just baffles me. But I’m not complaining. I love my daughter with every once of my being, but I hate a soiled nappy as much as the next person and sick is sick no matter how beloved the person it came from is.
After breakfast, I take Mae out on the grounds and we play and explore until time for her nap. I use that time to get a little work done. I’ve found a new position with a firm that is willing to let me work from home. It pays less then my previous job, but since I am still a major headline and cannot leave the Manor grounds, I don’t really have much use for money anyway.
When Mae wakes up I feed her lunch and we spend the early afternoon hours together. I have made a habit of taking her to the library and reading classics to her. Not that she at all understands what I am reading, but I enjoy it. I sit her on the floor surrounded by toys and read until my throat is hoarse and even hot tea won’t sooth it.
Then I play with her until dinner and she falls asleep for the night.
Draco typically takes part in whatever the evening activity is, helping her stand, playing with her and talking to her in a gibberish that he refuses to admit is baby talk. Narcissa sometimes joins us and, telling Mae fanciful stories while cuddling with her.
My room is located a few doors down from Draco’s and right next to Narcissa’s. At first I was uncomfortable being in the family wing of the Manor. I didn’t like the thought that I was intruding on Draco and his mother. But then Draco pointed out that the nursery is located there and that it would be silly for me not to use it.
I was worried about Draco’s mother as well. I had only vague memories of her and all of them were unpleasant. When I learned that I would be living in close quarters with her I almost changed my mind about moving in. It turns out that I had nothing to worry about at all. Narcissa is the most charming woman I have ever met.
I was flummoxed by her reception of Mae and me. She treated us like visiting royalty. She was warm and engaging and within days I felt as if I had known her forever. And she absolutely dotes on Mae. She’s nearly as bad as Daisy, cooing and fussing over my daughter like Mae was her own child.
Once or twice a week my parents stop in. While still disapproving of my choice to move in with ‘complete strangers’ both Mum and Dad have begun to warm to the Malfoys. Mum says I had better be on my best behavior and hisses proper etiquette at me when she thinks that Narcissa can’t hear. Dad somehow manages not to ramble on about Muggles and their clever inventions.
I am still terribly lonely and depressed, but it is getting easier now. I have good days. I never thought that I would. And sometimes, when I am laughing with Draco at something Mae has done, or drinking tea with Narcissa, I can almost ignore the aching in my heart.