Violet Delight
lyrics by Michal Towber

Ric didn't even know how he made it to Jake's alive, but when he tiptoed out of the murky haze of his mind's eye, treading lightly on the threshold of coherent thoughts, he found himself sitting at the bar with a drink in his hand. He struggled to dash from his concentration the image of Alexis in bed with his brother, but it was all so sickeningly fresh and crisp in his mind. He had known about Alexis' one "regretful" (the word she adored using) night with Sonny ever since their indiscretion was exposed in the Corinthos custody battle all those many months ago. But until his point, he had regarded it as a mistake that was long ago forgotten; by everyone. But now, and as it had been all along (only unknown to everyone, including Ric), a child came out of that union; a child whom Ric was beginning to care for a love with such strength that it nearly wrung him out. And this was all he could feel now. Wrung out. Worn out. He couldn't even feel the pain anymore; there was only numbness where he had once felt that pain. And he had every intention of drowning in his sorrow and forgetting about what Alexis had done to him in a bottomless abyss of alcohol.

Don't act like that
Don't shut me out
Like I'm a stranger

Alexis bit anxiously at her fingertips, trying to focus her eyes on something other than the image of Ric turning his back on her and leaving their home that she was now left with ever since that door slammed closed behind him. And now Alexis feared that Ric was out slamming the doors of his heart closed while she sat at home alone, powerless. Her mind raced with everything that she could have done better, everything that she could have said better. Perhaps if she had used more delicate phrasing or had preceded it with more assurance of how much she loved him. She was now kicking herself for waiting to say that she loved him until long after she had angered him. Either he had regarded her heartfelt words as yet another lie, or he hadn't even heard her at all through the fog of his own rage. If only she had had the sense to tell him that she loved him sooner.

She knew Ric well enough to know what was going through his mind. She saw the look on his face right before he walked out; she could see his heart breaking through his eyes. If things had turned out differently and Kristina really had been Ned's, or even Jax's, she knew that Ric could have worked past it. But now this was just another item on the list of ways that Sonny "won" out over Ric. It was the straw the broke the camel's back; one more reason for Ric to hate his brother.

And there was nothing Alexis could do to help him through that. No matter how much she loved him, she knew that her love could never be enough.

You're all I dream
Violet delight
You wake me in the night

Alexis knew that she couldn't sit on the couch all night, suffocating in the folds of her soft throw pillows. While such an idea was almost sinfully inviting, she knew that sitting idle would not bring a restful night's sleep. Giving herself a moment to compose herself enough to be presentable, she slowly stood and headed for the linen closet down the hall. She dug almost all the way to the back so that she could find exactly what she was looking for: a simple washcloth, the only one that didn't remind her of Ric. When they initially moved in together, they had taken so much enjoyment in buying things together that they could proudly say they shared. But now Alexis couldn't bear to even look at the "His & Hers" bath towels.

It's rare that I should care this much
It's stupid that I want your touch
Now I understand that you can't
Live with all I am

Ice cold water was her only acceptable option. Alexis splashed relief repeatedly on her face, wishing she could wash away her fatigue just as easily as she did the makeup that had run with each and every tear. She almost wanted to leave it smeared on her face so that she would always remember what she had done to him and the consequences of her decisions, but she couldn't go out into the world looking the way she had. After all, the rest of the world remained unchanged; the only thing that was different was her world.

She dropped the washcloth into the sink, shut off the faucet, and stared at her reflection in the mirror that Ric had picked out. She hated it because of how its dark finish clashed with the deep blue of her bathroom, but Ric had insisted.

"Well, something in the house has to be mine."

"Can't it be something on a much smaller scale?" she whined. "Like cups? Or silverware? Does it have to be something that I have to look at every morning and every night?"

"Well, won't you be looking at cups and silverware every morning and every night?" he argued.

"How much time do you think I spend in the kitchen?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him. Ric stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her waist, wearing the most adorably innocent look he could muster.

"Please? It's really important to me," he pled sincerely.

"It's a mirror," she said blankly.

"Yes, but it's the principle behind it."

"The mirror has principles?"

Ric laughed and kissed the tip of her nose lightly. "You are so cute," he whispered, batting his eyelashes flirtatiously.

"Oh, all right!" she finally surrendered. "We'll buy the damn mirror. God, those eyes will get you anywhere."

Alexis sighed, shaking the memory out of her head. She tried to focus on the face that met her gaze in the mirror she had been so reluctant to accept. She looked terrible. At least it was a step up from the ghastly expression she had seen only moments ago. She scarcely recognized herself anymore.

Don't wake me up
I'm someone knew
The perfect girl who's right for you

Ric slammed his glass down on the counter. He squeezed his eyes shut tight as the alcohol began to make its mark. He knew he had probably reached what should have been his limit long ago, but his apathy grew with each and every refill. He just kept picturing Kristina's smiling face as he read her a bedtime story, or when he pushed her and Sandy on the swings at the park. How could such happy memories bring such sadness?

The more he thought about Kristina, the angrier he got at Alexis for keeping such a secret from him. But even that resentment quickly shifted, and the new focus was Sonny. He didn't know why he was suddenly so angry with Sonny. After all, Sonny didn't even know that Kristina was his daughter. Even so, this secret made him feel, although still angry, almost protective of Alexis, and he was furious with Sonny for impregnating her.

He had to leave. He knew he had to leave. Sitting around idly slowly drinking himself into oblivion wasn't going to do him any good except temporarily rid him of the hurt. But if he wanted to relieve himself of the ache permanently (or at least for longer than the hangover he was going to have) he had to be more proactive.

Ric drained his newly refilled glass with one swallow and placed the glass down delicately on the countertop as though placing it down too swiftly would cause a deafening reverberation. Coleman looked at him worriedly. "Hey man, I'm going to call you a cab," he drawled as he reached for the phone. Ric groaned and stumbled out of his seat. He mumbled incoherently at Coleman and staggered for the door. He had every intention of unleashing some of his pent up anger.

He had every intention of going to Sonny's.

I want it all
I want the pain
When you are gone it rains

Ignoring the way her stomach protested violently within her, Alexis knocked on Sonny's door. She breathed in deeply as though that could somehow calm her nerves. She desperately wanted to avoid any kind of confrontation with Sonny, but it was necessary if she was going to take the appropriate steps in fixing what was now wrong between herself and Ric. She had been mentally preparing herself for this for the entire drive over.

But all that preparation disappeared when he opened the door.

Sonny looked at her curiously, confused as to why she was showing up at his house at this hour wearing the expression that she was; one Alexis couldn't quite attribute any one specific emotion to.

"Hi," she stammered. "Can I come in?" He shrugged indifferently and stepped back to let her inside. She stepped in carefully, reeling with memories of her last visit here. It seemed like so long ago; she never thought she'd be returning, and certainly not under these circumstances. "Are the kids home?" she asked innocently, looking around for any sign of the children.

"No, Carly just took them home," he said, a little too resentfully. It worried Alexis; he was clearly not in a good mood, and that didn't bode well for her. She nodded meekly, giving herself a moment to search for where to begin. She had already wreaked havoc on her relationship with Ric with her mouth, and she couldn't afford to do the same with Sonny.

"What are you doing here?" he finally asked after a silent moment.

"I, um – I want to talk to you about Ric."

Sonny shrugged again, showing complete indifference. "Ok." Such a simple word from such a complex man.

"Look, is there any way that you two can maybe work out your differences?"

"Well, hey, I don't have a problem with Ric. You know, he's the one who can't seem to get past this idea that I somehow took his mother from him. He's the one who has to try to make an effort."

"I know," Alexis said with what she hoped resembled sympathy and understanding. "But if you'll just try to see where he's coming from. I mean, he feels like he's always coming in second behind you. I mean, you grew up with a mother he never got to know, he lost a baby while Carly was pregnant with your child. Hell, he may have even loved Carly at one point, but she wasn't even allowed to associate with him because of you –"

"What's this about, Alexis?" Sonny interrupted, sounding bored. "What's the matter? Is Ric having a hard time making love to you because he knows I took you to bed first?"

Alexis cringed, mostly because she knew that it couldn't have been easy for Ric to live with knowing that his wife had slept with the brother he so deeply despised. And now she realized that it would be even harder for Ric to cope with it, knowing that Kristina was conceived that night. "I just thought it would be nice if you could reach out to him," she pressed on boldly. "I know you two have your differences, but I also know that it would be the world to him if you made some sort of gesture. I'm not suggesting that you be brothers who bond at family gatherings and invite each other to dinner over the holidays. All I'm asking is that you extend an olive branch and try to be civil to each other."

"OK, Alexis, I've already explained this, but something's clearly got you distracted, so I'll explain it to you again. I don't have a problem with Ric. He's the one who hates me for whatever reason. If he's willing to let go of the past and stop hating me, then hey, that's great. If not, whatever. The truth is, Alexis," Sonny paused, his voice adopting a deadly tone, "my brother is inconsequential to me. I'm not going to go out of my way to 'make a gesture' to him when all he wants to do is destroy me."

"You make it sound like he's dedicated his entire life to bringing you down," Alexis said incredulously.

"Well, isn't that true? Didn't he go to law school, move to Port Charles and become the district attorney so that he could lock me away himself? Look, I'm done talking about my worthless brother. If the reason you came to me was to try to fix your sex life –"

"Ric," Alexis breathed, her eyes wide and locked on the door behind Sonny. He turned around and stared into the haunting hollows of his brother's eyes. Ric was standing in the doorway, clinging to the wooden doorframe as though his life depended on it. No doubt he had caught the last part of Sonny's words and had heard them terribly out of context. Alexis' mouth went dry as her tongue worked hard to get the right words out. She didn't have to smell his breath to know that he had way too much to drink. He almost never got drunk, but she had seen him do it only once before when he was incredibly hurt. He had sat silently next to her in the bar, drinking until he could no longer lift the glass, while Alexis sat next to him, wishing she could do anything to ease his pain. Although she couldn't stop him, at least she would be able to drive him home when he finally decided he had had enough. But Alexis had turned away for just a moment and he had stumbled out into the road alone, nearly getting himself killed. She swore to him that night that she would never let him be that hurt ever again.

Alexis was afraid to step too close for fear that he would run away. But the longer they all stood immersed in the screaming silence, the farther away he got anyway.

She took the chance, regardless.

As usual, she made the wrong decision.

She barely moved her foot forward an inch before Ric had himself stumbling out the door and out of sight.

"Ric, wait!" Alexis called, finally finding her missing voice. She raced for the door, hoping against hope that she could somehow make it to him in time, but Sonny grabbed her roughly by the arm, stopping her dead in her tracks.

"You're not going anywhere."

It's rare that I should care this much
It's stupid that I need your touch
Now I understand that you can't
Live with all I am

He ran.

He ran faster than he ever remembered running.

At first, he didn't know where; he just knew that he needed to feel the chill in the wind hit his face, hoping that it would shatter from his focus what he had just heard and seen. As much as he tried to tell himself that it was anything but "what it looked like", he just couldn't come up with any other explanation.

He and Alexis had fought. He had left.

And she wound up on Sonny's doorstep, offering herself to him. And Sonny was more than happy to oblige.

If only he had stayed at the bar.

If only he hadn't walked out in the first place.

If only he hadn't gone to see Sonny.

As his mind raced faster, so did he. He ran until his legs felt like they were going to give, and then he ran faster. He finally reached the bridge that overlooked the raging river, and he tumbled violently to his knees. And he wept. He wept until his heart rate slowed down from a dangerous buzz to a natural steady pace.

He had messed up his life so badly in such a short amount of time. The sheer happiness that he had felt only hours back felt like an eternity ago. Back when the only thing he wanted was to spend time with his wife and daughter. And now all he wanted was to evaporate in the cruel moonlight.

Ric managed to bring himself to his feet. He stared down at the water below him, envious of the way it so swiftly and easily moved on. He wished for all the world that, in that moment, he could be a part of that river, and nothing more. It was so inviting. So captivating. He took a deep breath, shivering slightly in the chilly night air. He stepped up the wall of the bridge's rail carefully, ignoring his heart's sudden rapid pace. He had nothing left to live for. Nothing left but pain.

Orchestra drown me
I'm deaf in sound sleep

He sat on the unsteady railing, swinging his legs over until they hung frightfully above the waters. He trembled slightly as he turned his gaze skyward and closed his eyes, whispering ever so softly.

"I love you, too."

A single tear treaded sadly down his face as he gripped the rail, ready to throw himself to the fierce fates below.

"Ric, no!"

It's rare that I should care this much
Its stupid how I need your touch
Now I understand that you can't
Live with all I, Live with all I
Live with all I am