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A/N: Here's the last one. Thank you so much for everyone who read it. I hope you all enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Now, I'd like to hear your final reviews, please...
Chapter 10 – "The strongest love of all"
"There's nothing in this world that's totally bad. Even at the worst times of our lives, if we wait, we'll see something good there too." The Rushs had a neighbor, a very sick old lady, who would always say that. Lilly never understood how this poor, lonely woman found the strength to believe in something like that. Obviously, this piece of wisdom acquired a whole new meaning when, two months after Jake left; Lilly found out that she was pregnant.
The people around Lilly never understood why she never called Jake and told him about the baby. Or why she never open the letters he sent her. For Lilly, the fact that she was pregnant couldn't change the course of life. She still couldn't leave Philadelphia, and Jake still wouldn't be able to come back. She was going to have that baby alone anyway, so she decided she would leave Jake out of it. A very weak explanation, she knew that, but after Grace was born, no one talked about Jake anymore.
One month before Lilly gave birth, she, Christina and Ellen moved to another apartment, on a better part of Philadelphia. The neighborhood was calm, they had good schools nearby, and the apartment had plenty of room for little Grace to explore, when she became old enough for that.
However, now that she still two months old, Grace spent most of her time sleeping, but still, she was the biggest source of concern for her young mother. Lilly had just been back to work for a week, so she had no choice but leaving Grace with Ellen during the day, and, if Lilly had to work overtime, Christina would step in as babysitter.
With Ellen in rehab and Christina doing well in her job, Lilly thought she would finally be able to think about herself for a while, for the first time in her life. Of course, now thinking about herself meant thinking about her and Grace. But Lilly didn't even have to time to celebrate when a suspicion began to haunt the Rush house again.
"Lil," Christina came out of Ellen's room, "I think Mom is drinking again." It was a sunny Sunday afternoon, and Christina was doing some cleaning, while Lilly made dinner, and Grace was sleeping.
"It can't be, Chris. I've been following her close." Lilly said, not taking her eyes off the food she was preparing.
"Well, I found this under a stack of clothes in her wardrobe." Christina said, holding out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "And it's not the only one."
Without saying anything, Lilly turned off the stove and followed Christina, who showed Lilly the bottles: scotch, vodka... Ellen had plenty of options. Lilly remained speechless for a while, then she finally said. "I can't believe this is going on. I can't deal with this right now, with Grace and everything else."
Christina and Lilly shared a look. They both knew they were thinking the same thing, but Christina was the one who said it. "You can't leave Grace with her anymore."
Lilly sat on the bed. She held her head with her hands. "What am I going to do? I can't afford daycare."
Christina sat down next to Lilly. "Let's not go crazy yet. Let's confront Mom, maybe this is all a misunderstanding."
Lilly laughed. "Oh yeah. She's keeping the bottles for a friend." She shook her head. "But I will talk to her tonight. I can't believe I have no choice but leave my baby with a drunk all day long."
Grace started crying, so their conversation was over. Lilly went to see her, while Christina was getting the table ready for dinner.
That night, they waited for Ellen until 10 p.m. They ate their dinner without Ellen. Christina went out for a walk, while Lilly stayed in the house with Grace.
"You know, baby girl," Lilly said, "I'm the worst mother you could ever had. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I can't fix this family for you." The little girl watched Lilly intently as she spoke, "I always promised myself I'd give my children a better life. But instead, you're going to grow up without a father, without enough money, in a totally dysfunctional family." Lilly wiped the tears from her eyes, "I'm sorry, Grace".
Lilly's "conversation" was suddenly interrupted by the sound of the front door being slammed open.
"Christina!" Lilly quickly yelled as she ran to the living room. But this time it wasn't Chris who had arrived "too happy" from a party.
It was Ellen. And she was crying and laughing at the same time. "Lilly!" Ellen said as she ran and hugged her daughter. Lilly easily felt the familiar smell of alcohol. "This is funny. After months of deprivation, I finally feel this pleasant feeling again. But I'm crying. Why?"
Lilly was so angry she was having a hard time finding the words to say something. "Because you know you screwed up, Mom. Again." Lilly said coldly.
"I promised I won't do this again, baby. Tomorrow I'll be sober, and I'll play with my little Gracie the whole day long."
"No, you're not!" Lilly said, walking around the living room, trying to stay away from Ellen. "I can't trust my daughter to you anymore!"
Ellen's face turned serious. Suddenly, she realized what she had done. She had been able to gain her daughters' trust again. Lilly was even trusting her to take care of her daughter. And now Ellen had just tossed all that trust in the garbage. "I swear, it was only a one time thing." She lied.
"No, it was not, Mom. Chris and I found the bottles hidden in your wardrobe."
Ellen didn't say anything. What was the point of lying? If there was one thing she knew for sure, was that her oldest daughter was not stupid. Finally, she gathered some words. "What can I do for you to forgive me, Lilly?"
"I don't know, Mom." Lilly said, shaking her head, and then walking back to her bedroom.
"I need your help, Chris." Lilly said one day during breakfast. "You're entitled to this week; I talked to your boss."
"I can't believe you talked to my boss about that!" Christina yelled, going back to being the annoying brat she always was. "You didn't have this right!" She paced the kitchen. "You know, Lil, I don't like the idea of raising your kid!"
"Well I'm not asking you to do that!" Lilly said, starting to get the dishes off the table. "And I certainly never will, at least while I'm sane!" She stopped and faced Christina. "But if one day I ask you that, don't forget that I raised you."
Christina was silent for a while. "Lil, seriously, I think Mom hasn't drunk since that Sunday. We can trust her."
In the back of her head, Lilly knew Christina could be right. It really seemed like Ellen had changed more in these two weeks than in the whole last year where she went to rehab. But with Ellen's background, Lilly wasn't feeling secure enough to trust her mother again yet.
"You're taking next week off, like you promised." Lilly said, finishing what she was doing. "And then we'll see."
The next week went rather calmly. Lilly was feeling better around Ellen, but had to deal with Christina's bad attitude. For the first time in her life, Christina was feeling the weight of the problems their family had, and she definitely wanted to avoid taking responsibilities. Because she didn't want to end up like her older sister – living for other people, and never for herself.
Then, things started to come back to normal. Lilly and Christina went back to their usual working schedule, and Lilly had no choice but leaving Grace alone with Ellen during the day. She warned the neighbors and asked them to call if anything weird was going on, but that didn't make it easier for her at all.
One day, Lilly was completely swamped with work. At about 7:30 p.m., she called her house, and told Christina – who usually arrived from work at 7:00 p.m. that she was going to be late. Christina complained about taking care of Grace again, like usual, but agreed to stay. Lilly went back to her work.
Meanwhile, at the Rushs', Ellen left to work at about 8 p.m. Christina then gave Grace a bath, and fed her. The little girl quickly started to show that she wanted to sleep. Christina was more than happy with that, because it meant she could watch TV, and maybe even smoke, without having to worry about Grace – who usually slept several hours without waking up.
While Christina was getting Grace ready for bed, the little girl was playing with a rattle. Grace could barely hold that rattle, but it was her favorite toy.
"I can't believe you like that thing!" Christina said to her niece, laughing "It belonged to your mother, it's so old. I bought you a new one and you didn't even look at it."
She picked up Grace, and walked with her for a while, shaking the rattle. The little girl seemed amused by the noise made by the stuff that was inside. "Time to go to bed, now, young lady." Christina said, putting Grace in her crib.
However, Grace was really attached to the rattle, and wasn't pleased with the possibility of letting it go.
"You really like that thing, don't you?" Christina said, surprised. She wondered if a 3-month-old baby was supposed to be so attached to a toy. "Well, being your mother's daughter, you're probably precocious." She said, giving the rattle to Grace. It probably wouldn't hurt to leave it there. In a matter of two minutes, Grace was already sleeping, so there would be no problem.
Christina walked back to the living room. She picked up her bag and started looking for something. "Job is done, now, time to relax." She laughed as she pictured Lilly's face if she found out she was smoking pot. She lit up a cigarette and started smoking.
As the drug started to kick in, Christina started seeing everything different. Drunk mother, controlling older sister, crying niece, boring job, her damn life; it seemed like all those things were drifting away from her. She was able to be herself, no strings attached.
Christina was so immersed in her "trip" she didn't hear when Grace woke up, even though the living room was close to Lilly's bedroom. She didn't even hear the sound of the rattle when Grace rolled over, belly down; and kept playing with the rattle. Oh, if Lilly saw that Christina let Grace take that dirty rattle to her mouth...
Lilly walked over to her bedroom. She went to Grace's crib to check on her, like she did everyday. She loved to stay by the side of the crib, only watching Grace's breathing movements when she was sleeping.
But Grace wasn't moving. Lilly's first though was "You're just an overworried mother", but before she could even finish that thought, she picked up Grace from the crib. The little girl wasn't breathing. The rattle was under Grace, and it seemed to be missing one of its outside pieces. All in the blink of an eye, Lilly saw herself telling Christina not long ago, "Never let her play with my old rattle. I know she likes it, but I'm afraid it's too old, and its pieces are getting loose." A wave of desperation ran through Lilly's body.
"Christina!" She screamed with all the force in her lungs, as she took Grace to her bed, and started checking on her. Grace was still warm, but she had no pulse.
Christina came running, "What's going on, why are you screaming..." She stopped, shocked, as she looked at Lilly, who was trying to do something that looked like CPR on Grace.
"What happened?" Christina said, terrified. She watched what Lilly was trying to do, and said "You're doing it all wrong!" She tried to take over but Lilly shoved her away.
"She's not breathing!" Lilly said, barely able to talk among her tears. "I think she swallowed a small piece from the rattle."
"Oh my God..." Christina started to say, her eyes now filled with tears.
"You didn't hear anything, she didn't make any noise?" Lilly asked, still trying to see if she found any foreign body on Grace's mouth.
Christina walked a few steps away, looked down, "I don't know, Lil." Lilly quickly glanced at her sister, but went back to Grace. "I was high," Christina completed.
Lilly didn't have time or a chance to digest that. She stopped her CPR attempt. She looked at Grace. No movement, no pulse, no breathing. Lilly fell on her knees on the floor, and the crying took over her.
"Why did you stop? We have to do something, let's call an ambulance!" Christina yelled, shaking Grace very gently. Christina then tried to pull Lilly up by her arm. "Come on, Lilly, we can't give up!" She tried again, her voice muffled by the tears.
Lilly didn't say a word, just shook her head. "She's gone," Lilly finally said. Christina looked one more time at Grace's inert little body; then walked away; leaned against a wall, let the tears take over her too.
She was angry at herself, though, for giving up. Giving up on her mother, on her sister. For leaving home so abruptly the day after Grace's death. Actually, that anger was only occasional. Most of time, she was trying to forget all the anger she still felt towards her sister. "It was just a mistake," Lilly repeated to herself. But this mistake was still stabbing her heart, day after day.
"Look at that. Officer Lilly Rush!" Joe Green said, standing by the table Lilly was sitting at. Joe was the officer who did the report and the investigation on the violent crime Lilly's family was a victim over fifteen years ago. Lilly and Joe kept in touch for many years but they hadn't seen each other in a very long time. Joe was now retired.
"Joe! It's so good to see you!" Lilly said, hugging Joe.
They sat at the table. Joe watched Lilly for a while. "So, from what I hear, you walked a rough path until you arrived here."
"Yeah," Lilly nodded, with a sad smile. "But I'm happy, you know. I learned the hard way that my family just can't be helped. But there are still a lot of people out there who need me, and I can't give up on them."
Joe smiled. "You shouldn't give up on your family either, Lilly. Your sister and your mother are all you got."
"I know. I'm not a very lucky person, never was." She replied. "I don't know Joe. One day I might forgive my sister, but I really can't do this right now. I just can't. I can't look at Christina or at my mother."
"Lilly..." Joe said, in a fatherly tone. "Everything happens for a reason. We must learn from our experiences, and not toss then in the garbage like they never meant anything."
"But I learned a lot!" Lilly said, laughing. "I learned that I shouldn't give up on my dreams for other people, especially people who don't deserve it. I learned that, no matter how hard I try, sometimes, I will fail. And most important, I found out that I have something to fight for, call it a mission, and that I can still make my life worthwhile."
"Lilly, be careful. You lost the love of your life, you lost your daughter, you don't talk to your family anymore, you even cut your beautiful hair. I know where you're headed. Don't let your work become your life."
Lilly sighed, looked around for a while. "You're right, Joe. Everything has a reason. And maybe everything that happened to me were the reasons I needed to be here, where I am today, where I believe I should be."
Joe smiled. "I have no doubts this is where you should be. I always knew, I think since from the first time I saw you, that you were meant to kick those bad guys asses."
Lilly laughed. "Thanks, Joe. You know, in spite of everything, I'm really happy with me now."
Joe glanced at his watch. "Isn't it time for the afternoon round, Officer Rush?"
Lilly smiled. "Yeah, it is." They both stood up, paid for their lunch and left the cafe. "I'm glad to see you."
They crossed the street and stood in front of the police station. "I'm glad to see you here. Where you always wanted to be." He paused. "In spite of everything." Another pause and Joe said, now smiling. "Gotta go now. Time to play with the grandkids!"
Lilly watched Joe walk away, until he disappeared on the corner. She looked at her watch. She took a longer lunch that she should have. She smiled to herself, and walked back into the police station.
