Disclaimer:If I was JKR I would be ashamed of this. But I'm not so go figure.

A?N: I have no idea how this is gonna show up because I'm a new author. PLEASE PLEASE read and review! Take pity on the new person.(sob.) And this thing is really really amazingly short. Its like a speck on the great pencil we call FanFiction.

Larry Potter and What I Bought On E-Bay

Voldemort had the perfect plan. It was the most perfect plan that had ever been perfected in the perfect land of perfection. He would finally kill Harry Potter. Not that he was obsessed with killing Potter, because Dark Lords aren't supposed to be obsessed with anything. Cough-rabbits-cough.

No this time Potter would die a most painful death. The most painful death that had ever been deathly painful in the deathly land of death. Voldemort shook his head. He really should stop eating those pork rinds before bed; it was bad for his health. Not that he cared about his health because Dark Lords aren't supposed to care about anything besides death. Cough-rabbits-cough.

Voldemort pulled the covers tight over his head to protect himself from the Bogie-man. He fell asleep hugging his stuffed rabbit to his body.

Lucius closed the door to his Master's bedroom. The man was a fool. His plan was the most imperfect plan that had ever been imperfected in the imperfect land of imperfection. If he managed to kill Potter tomorrow Lucius would sell himself on something the muggles he tortured called 'E-Bay', whatever the hell that was.

-------------------------Next Day, Location: Hogwarts-------------------------------

The-Boy-Who-Lived skipped merrily through the Entrance Hall doors into the sunlight world outside. 'Today is the most beautiful day that has ever been beautified in the beautiful land of beauty!' He made his way towards his friends but was stopped when a strange man leapt out of a bush and tried to knock him out with a frying pan. Oh No!!! But this boy just smiled and blinked several times. The man continued trying to bash the boy's head in.

"Damn it Potter, DIE!!!!" Voldemort screamed hysterically before he started hyperventilating. Lucius popped out of a nearby bush and handed his Lord an inhaler. Once Voldemort could breathe again the boy responded. "Oh, you're looking for HARRY Potter! I'm LARRY Potter, his cousin in law! Harry's over there!" Larry pointed to a 7th year staring moodily at a rock nearby.

Voldemort stared more closely at Larry. The boy's face was covered in acne, and he had some strange purple type substance all over it. It looked suspiciously like grape jelly; he also looked like he was on muggle crack.

"Aren't they Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley though?" Voldemort pointed to a couple making out behind a tree.

"No, that's my friends Joemione Stranger and Don Reasley!" Said the boy excitedly,

"Can I join the Death eaters?" "No, you're too stupid." Voldemort eyed the strange boy quickly.

"OKAY!" And with that Larry Potter skipped off into the sunset happily.

Voldemort tippy-toed quickly over to the REAL Harry Potter and bashed him over the head with the frying pan. Harry collapsed in a heap, according to plan. "Excellent!" Voldemort collected Harry and the frying pan in his arms and walked off into the Forbidden Forest.

Lucius popped back out of the bush. "####!" And proceeded to find a muggle computer to sell himself on E-Bay. Because after all Malfoys never go back on their word. And this, my friends, is the story of how I came to own my very own Lucius Malfoy.

A/N: and this my friends is where the bad writing ends.......for now.Muaahhhhhhhh! PLEASE REVIEW.