Author’s notes: Welcome to ‘Gundam SEED: Movie Madness!’ In here, you’ll find parodies of various movies as portrayed by the SEED cast. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, since most of the characters from episodes 17-52 are just plain boring, the movies will feature only the notable characters (Don’t like the druggies, don’t know their names, don’t even care)

Flames will be used to…….it’s best not to know. On with the show!

Kirablanca

(Loosely based on Casablanca

Take a whiff and smell the air of Morocco-7 as it seeps through the window…it will help you forget the nauseating smell of coffee, the hideous odor of hairy men and the likes…yep, truly a stench infested place. For we are inside ‘Kira’s bar’, the place where most denizens of Morocco-7 hope to escape the horrors of hearing about WWII…

And here comes Athrun Zara, the Chief of the Police. He enters the bar and looks around, inspecting the customers before he goes over to Dearka, the bartender.

“Bartender,” he called. “I’d like to know when your ‘happy hour’ is.”

“Dude, you’ve come to the wrong place.” Dearka shook his head.

“As in…the wrong bar?”

“No, the wrong anime…this is SEED, we do lots of angsty stuff and no comedy.”

“That can’t be.” He gasped. “Just look at Mwu La Fllaga.”

“Are you saying he looks funny?”

“I’m saying it is so sad that he has been reduced from voicing Kenshiro in ‘Shin Hokuto no Ken’ to this confusing role, it borders on hilarity.”

“Look, man, I’m telling you there is no happy hour in this bar…take one look at the owner and you’ll find out.”

Athrun looked and saw Kira Yamato, a miserable shell of a man.

“Oh…”

“From one to two pm, we have a bitchin’ hour.”

Meanwhile, Kira was talking to Kuzzey, an old friend and acquaintance.

“Kira, take these secret letters and keep them safe.” Kuzzey said, whimpering.

“What is this?”

“It’s the script for Gundam SEED: Destiny.”

“And why do I need it?”

“No reason, just a thought to piss the fans even further.”

The ZAFT forces suddenly barge in and take Kuzzey hostage.

“Kira! Kira! Help me, Kira!”

“I-…I’m sorry, Kuzzey.” Kira said with a tear in his eye. “But I’m ‘conveniently’ paralyzed with sorrow and angst.”

Kuzzey is taken away as Athrun looks at Dearka.

“That Kira is a useless bum, isn’t he?” Athrun asked.

“Yeah, as a boy he used to watch a lot of Gundam Wing.”

Minutes later, a spectacle-wearing gentleman enters the bar with a mysterious looking red headed female companion.

Dearka went off to greet them.

“I am Sai Argyle.” He said. “And this is my mysterious companion, the beautiful Fllay Allster.”

“Ah, yes. We’ve been expecting you, sir.” Dearka nodded. “Where would you like to be seated?”

“I’d like a nice quiet table………………………………………………………IN THE KINGDOM OF ORB!”

“Sorry, Argyle, but getting exit visas and escaping to earth will not be THAT easy.”

“Very well then, seat me in the non-ZAFT section.”

Sai and Fllay took their seats on the table next to Kira’s.

“What the…Fllay?”

“Kira?” she gasped.

“Fllay?” Sai asked.

“Sai?” Fllay retorted.

“Fllay?” Kira asked.

“I assume both these idiots have meant something to you at some point in your life?” Athrun asked.

“Yes, they’re both easily manipulated nerdy book worms.” Fllay replied.

“Fllay…why…how…what’s going on?” before Kira could finish, the ZAFT forces barged in again.

“My name is Rau Le Creuset, the leader of ZAFT.” The masked man addressed Sai.

“And I am Sai Argyle, leader of the freedom fighters sworn to defeat you.”

“We’ve been looking for you, Argyle. and now we have you and soon, we shall get the secret papers containing the location of your men..”

“What are you saying?”

“Let me put it in easier terms…all your base will belong to us.”

Sai is dragged away as Fllay ignored Kira and went to the Piano player.

“Hey, Nicol, would you please play the Moon theme song for Turn A Gundam?”

“Sorry, Miss Allster.” He or she replied. “But I don’t take requests.”

“If you don’t listen to me, then I shall switch on the radio so we can hear Lacus Clyne droning on and on about peace.”

“Never mind, I’ll play! I’ll play!”

As soon as Fllay listened to Nicol’s playing, she left the bar and Kira in shambles.

“I can’t believe it…” he sighed. “She came back after all these years.”

“I take it you two were lovers?” Athrun asked.

“Oh yeah, we really connected back then.”

Flashback

Back in Heliopolis, Kira is watching as Fllay walks towards him with her friends. He pauses and stands still like a statue as she passes by him, completely oblivious of his existence.

Flashback End.

“Yep…” he sighed again. “We truly were a great couple.”

Athrun rolled his eyes as a fat man approaches Kira.

“Interesting flashback, Kira.” Mitsuo Fukada said. “But now to a more important issue…there are rumors that you have the script for Gundam SEED Destiny…hand it over so I can hide it from ZAFT.”

“But where will you hide it, Fukada?”

“Inside the Plot of the original Gundam SEED. That trash had so many plot holes, it will take them an eternity to scan through it.”

Kira agrees and forks over the script for Gundam SEED.

Sometime later…

Fllay had lured Kira to her room and had him held on gun point.

“Sorry, Kira” Fllay said as she aimed her gun. “But I must take the script. It’s my only way for survival…hand it over!”

“I can’t do that, Fllay.”

“The Kira of Gundam SEED…” she said sadly. “…he would have done anything for me.”

“The Kira of Gundam SEED was a spineless idiot.”

“The Kira of Gundam SEED Destiny is even MORE of a spineless idiot!!!”

“Oh yeah…”

Meanwhile, as Kira and Fllay argued, the ZAFT forces led by Creuset were on a desperate search for the script.

“Have you found it, yet?” Creuset shouted.

“Negative sir!”

“Come on, now, we know they’ve hid it inside the script of Gundam SEED. How hard can it be to spot it?”

“That’s because the script for Gundam SEED has so many plot holes and each one is the size of Godzilla’s ass!”

In the airfield,

Kira was saying goodbye to Sai and Fllay.

“Here is the script for Destiny.” He handed it over. “Use it well.”

“Bu-but…Kira…” she choked. “I…I don’t understand.”

“You must live your life without me, Fllay.”

“But what about our relationship? About us?”

“We can’t be together, Fllay, I’m doing this for a good cause.”

“You want to save the freedom fighters?”

“No, I want Gundam SEED to become a cult anime.”

As Fllay and Sai flew off, Athrun walked angrily and shouted at Kira.

“A cult anime!?” he shouted. “This boring piece of trash?! With an ending that is clearly ripped off from Gundam F91 and amongst other things?! This is going to become a cult anime? I don’t find that possible!”

“Not to you it doesn’t, but to hormonal enraged teenagers who think saying lots of ‘chan’ and ‘san’, makes them sound Japanese.”

“…A terrible crime has been committed against humanity!!”

“Yes, I know…Mitsuo Fukada has given King Takeda, the producer of Gundam SEED, a cameo in Destiny.”

“You kidding? Who gives a crap about those idiots? I’m talking about a crime in story structure! From one episode to another, Gundam SEED has proven that it didn’t know in which direction it was going.”

“If you think that’s a pain, what do you think of the fact that Gundam SEED is probably going to be a Trilogy?”

“Awww….gawd…”

Author’s notes: I find myself sometimes wishing that I had never read Mitsuo Fukada’s interview…perhaps then, maybe, I would have tried to learn to like Gundam SEED.

Still, it’s better to know the truth rather to be oblivious of it.