Introduction:

It’s official…the next Gundam series will NOT be set in the SEED universe (take that!). And so, as we lay close to an embarrassing chapter in the Gundam saga, we close our eyes and try to remember the good times in honor of this series…remember when Lacus sang…or when Cagalli cried…or when Kira and Athrun cried…or when pretty much everyone in this stupid series cried? Shudder On second thought, we’d best simply forget we ever watched this series. But wait, Mitsuo Fukada is not done yet! Being the fat bastard that he is, Fukada has assembled his resources and is preparing to bombard us with an hour long chapter of his stupid saga. As the sand in the hourglass draws closer to Fukada’s latest chapter, all I can think of is “Oh…my…god”—

Not Another SEED Movie

(Loosely based on Not Another Teen Movie)

Kira Yamato, the newest student at SEED Highschool (clever name, eh? Eh?) stood on the steps leading to the campus grounds. The cool summer breeze blew his chestnut hair that made every fangirl swoon on his two-dimensional face…his eyes glowed with the spark of wisdom lightyears ahead of his age. Every single square inch of his flesh were shouting one thing…perfection…

Now that we have appeased you drooling numbnuts, let’s get on with the story, shall we?

“Welcome to SEED High, Kira Yamato.” A girl greeted him. “My name is Mirallia Haww and I’ll be your tour guide.”

“Pleasure to meet you.” Kira said before suddenly unleashing a grin that flashed everyone from here and along the west coast.

Suddenly, Principal Creushit stuck his head out of his window.

“Keep the grinning to a minimum for the love of bob!” he shouted. “We’re getting reports of your flashing reaching all the way across Eurasia!”

Kira and Mirallia blinked before resuming the tour.

“Did you have trouble getting here?” she asked.

“Not really, I got here fine.” Kira nodded. “So tell me about everyone. Do you have any interesting characters here?”

“Oh, we have plenty.”

Just as they entered, Kira saw a red haired girl being tackled from behind by a pink haired girl.

“Flaaaaaaay-waaaaay!” the pink haired girl wailed.

“Gaaaaah!”

The two girls wrestled as Kira pointed and asked.

“Who are they?”

“The red haired one is Flay, she was most popular girl before Lacus came along…then she became the most unpopular person on campus.”

“They must have a fierce rivalry going on.”

“Quite the contrary, they’re the best of friends.”

Flay does her best to pry Lacus off her, but the pink haired girl holds on tightly.

“Lacus is perfection incarnate.” Mirallia noted “She is destined for a lot of great things…she’s destined to cast the one ring down the flames of Mt. Doom, reunite sons with their mothers, lead an attack against the Death Star, die heroically to save a nation before resurrecting mystically and bring world peace after solving the world’s energy problems.”

“Is Flay destined for anything?”

“Yeah…destined to smash Lacus’ skull with a sledgehammer.”

“………”

“There’s a betting pool to see which girl achieves her destiny first...since Lacus is so annoying, the smart money would be on Flay.”

Mirallia and Kira leave and take a right turn, coming across a raven haired boy surrounded by so many girls.

“Okay, okay, okay! Girls, girls, there’s enough of the Zala-man for all of you.” He grinned. “Remember, keep your unique Zala-custom made condom and submit them later for your free ride on the ‘Justice’…”

The girls, who all looked like supermodels, clawed hungrily at the boy as he handed out condoms to them for later use.

“Who is that?” Kira asked.

“Athrun Zala, the richest boy in school.” Mirallia noted. “He’s engaged to Lacus, though in our universe that doesn’t count for shit…anyway, he’s leader of the jocks…oh, and he’s gay.”

“Gay? He’s having a threesome with three girls in broad daylight!”

“That’s just his way of overcompensating. Trust me, everyone knows he’s gay.”

“Even the girls?”

“Yep.”

“So why do they sleep with him?”

“Because they like his body.”

Athrun walks up to them, zipping up.

“Hahah, take that Mirallia! I’ve had sex with 20 girls in the last hour.” Athrun exclaimed. “That should teach you not to spread those awful rumors about me being gay.”

“Shyeah, it’s real easy when you don’t actually orgasm.”

Athrun suddenly became very nervous.

“I…I did have an orgasm!”

“Really? When?”

“Why, it was…well I…I mean, I actually…errr…” Athrun suddenly changed the subject. “Oh, a new student?”

Kira nodded and extended his hand.

“Kira Yamato, pleased to meet you.”

Athrun smiled at Kira before all blood withdrew from his face. He swallowed as his hands darted to cover his crotch, his body shaking the entire time.

“Oh, dear lord!” Athrun squealed like a bitch.

Kira blinked as Athrun darted towards the gents bathroom.

“Impressive.” Mirallia nodded. “You’re the first person to actually make him get a hard-on…”

“Err…huh…”

The party of two cross over to the janitor’s closet where three boys were playing with a boardgame.

“No, no, Kuzzey! You need a Persuasion lvl of 35 in order to get Hamarn Kahn to suck your—”

The boy with the glasses stands up.

“O-o-oh Mirallia, n-n-n-nice to see you.”

“Yeah, whatever, I’ll let you get back to your game, pervo.” Mirallia looked at Kira. “These are the geeks, Kuzzey and Sai, they’re pathetic background characters that serve no purpose to the main storyline.”

A red-eyed youth attempts to punch Kira.

“Who the hell is this?” Kira asked, dodging easily.

“That’s Shinn Asuka, he’s not a geek but he’s only here because no one likes him.”

“Please love me…” Shinn whimpered.

Kira and Mirallia leave as they head towards the Principal’s office.

“This is Mr. Creushit’s office…he’s a poor bastard that is trying hard to be something that he’s not…just remember not to utter the syllables ‘CH’ and ‘A’ and ‘R’…”

“Why not?”

“You’ll see…oh look, it’s Dearka and Yzak.”

The two jocks stood in front of the office and began conversing.

“You know, I really think our Principal looks like Char—”

Rau Le Creushit sticks his head out of his office…

“—mander.” Dearka nodded. “You know, the Pokemon you get at the start?”

Creushit frowns and heads back inside.

“No, no…he looks more like Char—”

Suddenly, Creushit sticks his head out again, smiling.

“—meleon, you know…the other Pokemon.”

Creushit curses, stomps and then slams the door behind him.

“It’s a great way to pass time.” Mirallia nodded. “Plus, it helps to further fugg up his already fragile psyche.”

“Urrr…”

Kira and Mirallia soon arrive at the cafeteria…

“Here’s the cafeteria, where our chef, Mitsuo Fukada, tickles our palates with his magic.”

“What’s today’s special?” Kira asked.

Mitsuo Fukada, in a funny chef hat, waves a ladle.

“Yo, Chiaki!” Fukada shouted. “Whaddya got in the trap?”

Behind him, we can see Chiaki stuffing her hand down a toilet drain.

“Hold on, let me check.”

“…I’ll take a bottle of mineral water, thanks.”

Entering through the cafeteria doors are a blonde kind with a green haired one.

“Damn you, Nicole, if you had been just a minute faster we could have snagged one of Athrun’s condoms!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“Who are they?” Kira asked.

“That’s Cagalli and Nicole…one of them is a Pre-Op and the other one is a Post-Op…take a guess, you can’t go wrong either way.”

Nicole and Cagalli took their seats adjacent to Flay and Lacus.

“So, Flay…” Cagalli grinned. “I heard you came last in the polls again, today.”

“Hehehe, last in the polls! Last in the polls!” Nicole chirped.

“Shut up.”

“No.”

“Hey, don’t pick on my friend, Flay.” Lacus stepped in. “Afterall, not everyone can be as charming and as spellbinding as I am.”

“Thanks a lot, Mary Poppins…” Flay groaned.

“But seriously, Flay, you suck.” Cagalli grunted. “You’re not even in the top 20, whereas dipshits like Nicole get to be voted number 11.”

“Hehehehe…wait, what?”

“You need to lay off, Cagalli.” Lacus puffed her cheeks. “Flay is simply taking her time in being the unpopular waste of space that she is.”

“I am quite capable of defending myself, Nanny McPhee…” Flay’s eyebrow twitched.

“Oh silly Flay, of course you are.” Lacus giggled.

“I take it you need to hide behind Lacus in order for your meaningless life to worth to anything.” Cagalli laughed as she got up.

“Hehehehe, meaningless! Meaningless!”

“Shut up.”

“No.”

Flay’s head hit the table in depression as Lacus patted her shoulder.

“I’m never getting a date to the prom.” Flay groaned.

“Don’t be down, Flay, why don’t I set you up with my Haro?”

“Thanks a lot, Joan of Arc, but I’d rather date someone with an IQ higher than yours…no offence.”

“None taken, hmhmmhmh.”

Kira looked at Mirallia.

“Why does everyone pick on her?”

“I don’t know…it was never fully explained…the school provides a whole course on bashing her, but nothing explicitly explaining why she is so unpopular.”

Behind them, Dearka and Yzak were scooping up beans on their plates.

“Hmm, bad beans today…” Dearka nodded.

“Yeah…kinda reminds me of the Principal.”

“How so?”

“Well, they both look Char—”

Principal Creushit’s head pops out of one of the food trays.

“—rred…Charred…you know, been out in the sun for too long?”

Creushit curses and runs back to his office.

“Well, I don’t know…I don’t think she’s all that bad…maybe I’ll take her to the prom.” Kira told Mirallia.

Suddenly, Athrun shows up and puts an around Kira.

“Excellent idea, my good man…then I can take Lacus to the prom and we can double date. We can hire a limo, dance under the lights and then you could kiss me at midnight.”

“Easy there, Amanda.” Mirallia grinned. “Don’t get your panties in a twist, he’s supposed to kiss the girl and not you.”

“I…I knew that!” Athrun said, flustered. “I just…I just…”

Suddenly, Mitsuo Fukada presents them with a tray filled with wet waste covered plastic models of the Akatsuki.

“Here, dinner’s up.”

TO BE CONTINUED…MAYBE