The Ballad of Are You Taking Notes Boy?

When I was but a little Hobbit-lad,
I used to listen at my Gaffer's knee.
Oh, long and rambling were the things he said;
But this is the advice he gave to me…

Chorus:
Don't take no imitation mithril, son;
Don't trip and fall on any Morgul-blades;
When wearing rings, be sure there's more than One;
Don't join in any Uruk-hai parades.
Don't answer wizards knocking at the door;
The flaming Balrog you should never taunt;
Don't pick up jewelry lying on the floor;
And never walk behind an oliphaunt.

To that I'd add: What goes up must descend;
Don't volunteer for any hare-brained quests;
Those Elves will sing for hours and hours on end,
And Dwarves make really lousy dinner-guests.

Chorus

I've also learned that noble Gondor chaps
Are oftentimes more trouble than they're worth:
Just pencil in your route on any maps;
You'll take the 'scenic tour' of Middle-Earth.

Chorus

Don't split your group, that tactic is a dud;
And don't be lulled when someone says there's hope;
If other guys get forests, you'll get mud;
If other guys get daggers, you'll get rope.

Chorus

Some Orc-blood stains come out with ginger ale;
Don't stare at glowing swords-you'll hurt your eyes;
And lembas is disgusting when it's stale;
Spiders are bigger than you realize.

Chorus

Don't pull off any asinine rescue stunts;
All sausages go well with mushroom sauce;
Don't fraternize with scrawny little runts,
And stay away from lava at all costs.

Chorus

Oh, how I wish I were a-bed at home
Instead of slogging through these wilds so grim-
I'd stow my walking-stick and never roam!
And should some lad get fresh, I'd say to him…

Don't take no imitation mithril, son, etc.

Repeat until collapse