Ani: Thought I'd try a little humor. Hope you enjoy. One shot unless I feel like it shouldn't be. I don't own Artemis Fowl! (sob)

Holly: (really fake smile) Hello cooking fans! Welcome to Cooking with Artemis and Holly! I'm Holly and this is Artemis!

Artemis: Remind me why we are doing this again.

Holly: (Burning with determination) Because Root says if we do he'll give me a major raise!

Artemis: ...That's it?

Holly: (Fake cutesy smile) Yep!

Artemis: Well it was a pleasure working with you but I really must be going, Good day to yoACK!

Holly: (Choking Artemis) What was that?!

Artemis: Can't....breath....

Butler: Master Artemis! Is something a miss?!

Holly: (hugging the semi-lifeless Artemis) Of course not! We're as fine as fine can be! Aren't we Arty?

Artemis: No we are most certai- (Holly pulls out gun) I mean of course we're fine! Whatever made you think that we were not?

Butler: My mistake. Good day.

Artemis: I still don't want to do this.

Holly: (point gun in Artemis's face)

Artemis: But I will! I will!

Holly: And?

Artemis: (sigh) And I will look happy doing it.

Holly: Good mud-boy. Now what will we cook?

Artemis: How in the world would I know, how about caviar?

Holly: Artemis, you can't even make a sandwich.

Artemis: So?

Holly: (Sigh) For a genius, you're pretty stupid. Okay how about we start out with a salad?

Artemis: Okay how do we do that?

Holly: ...You are the most cooking impaired loser I have ever had the misfortune of working with.

Artemis: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

Holly: Okay first we need lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, dressing...

Artemis: (Pulls out notepad and writes everything down.)

Holly: Alright! Artemis go and get the ingredients!

Artemis: Where?

Holly: (Sweatdrop) How should I know, this is your house...

Artemis: And this is the third time I've ever been in a kitchen...

Holly: ...You hopeless...Oh well lets call in Juliet.

Artemis: I concur. (Goes over to intercom) Juliet, please come to the kitchen.

A few seconds later...

Juliet: (kicks open the door) Heya Arty! Heya Holly!

Artemis and Holly: (stares at door laying on the floor)

Juliet: What's wrong?

Artemis: Hm? Oh nothing! (mumbles to self) Note to self; teach Juliet how to actually open doors...

Holly: Juliet, where do you keep all the cooking supplies?

Juliet: Oh that's easy! (pulls out a piñata)

Artemis: (sigh) Juliet...we want to make salad, nothing in a piñata...

Juliet: (Takes a law mower out and runs over piñata)

Artemis and Holly: Eep! (jump back holding each other)

Juliet: (takes out candles and lights them) OH MIGHTY FOOD GODS!

Holly: She snapped!

Juliet: (Started walking around the dead piñata placing candles everywhere and chanting) POCKY POCKY POCKY POCKY...

Artemis: BUTLER!

Juliet: SALAD! (suddenly the ingredients for a salad rain down from the heavens) (bows) Your welcome. (leaves)

Artemis: (soul is leaving body)

Holly: That defies all logic on, under, and within this earth...

Artemis: ...

Holly: Artemis? (sees his soul) HOLY COW! (grabs his soul and forces in back into his body)

Artemis: Thank you...

Holly: Well we have the ingredients...

Artemis: Um I just almost died...Can I go lay down?

Holly: You'd think you'd get use to almost dieing after your third time.

Artemis: That was very reassuring...