“Lonely”

by Remix17

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans…duh.

I’m lonesome. They are all dying. I have hardly a warm personal enemy left.

J.A. McNeill Whistler

I stare out the window of my bedroom, watching the rain trickle down the glass in quick, steady rivulets. Outside the rain storm is heavy, loud enough for me to hear the drops as they hit the tower and the island it stands on. It’s dark, and I can barely see the thick curtain of rain, but my eyes are slightly unfocused behind my mask anyway as I drift into recent memories.

It has been three weeks since that night when I was infected by the dust in Slade’s mask. My friends are back to treating me as they used to by now: they are no longer concerned about me seeing ghosts, or hurting myself. Even Starfire has been relaxed. The effects of the drug have long faded, and my mind is clear once more. I don’t see disturbing visions. That night was the only time someone could say I was insane.

I only wish I could blame it on insanity.

Before that night, I had never experienced the effects of a harmful substance before, despite its abundance in Gotham, and even Jump City to an extent. I rarely ever take strong medications after a particularly fierce battle, because I cannot afford to be slow-minded by them. My teammates and the city need me, at any moment I may be called to help them. That night was the only time when I was under the harmful influence of a chemical.

Looking back now, I realize now how the dust played with my mind, infiltrating the various places where fears of mostly Slade were housed in my brain. I realize now that my heart was beating wildly in my chest, that I was erratic and aggressive and frightened—I am always those things, but that night I was dangerously so. The dust turned my mind and emotions against me, and the beauty of it was that I didn’t even know I was happening. Part of it was the drug, part of it was my own fault.

I wanted so badly to see Slade again, to fight him and defeat him, and the drug made him real for me. I thought he was real, because I could see him. How was I to know I was hallucinating? Any of the other Titans would not have questioned seeing him either.

“I knew you’d come back,” I had said to him, as we stood in the rain. I had known, every night as I waited for him to make his move, that Slade would return. He had to return, because I had to beat him, I had to see him defeated with my own eyes before I could let him go forever. I couldn’t be sure that Terra had done the job, even though I saw the lava pour into the pit he had fallen into. Slade has always escaped me before, and that time could have been no different.

I sigh, suddenly depressed, my gaze falling from the window. Now that I know that Slade may really be gone, except in my memories, I feel…different now. I feel empty. Drained.

Obsession doesn’t just affect your mind, you know. It affects your body, too. It is tiring and frustrating, and it hurts, somewhere inside.

I know now that I was obsessed with Slade. I thought about him constantly. I wanted to beat him because it was the only way I could stop that gnawing voice in my head. It was the only way I could erase the memories of all the torturous things he has done to me.

“I knew you’d come back.”

Slade is gone, maybe nothing more than a memory now. And, as I think this, I realize that I am...sad. Regretful.

I…I miss him.

Is that strange? Am I going insane for real now? No. My mind, however paranoid and obsessive, has not broken yet. But it’s true, all the same. I miss Slade.

Stopping Slade had become my purpose. He has been with me for so long, in my mind, haunting every dark corner, and in his absence I don’t know what to put there. I hate him, but I wish he were here. I am…lonely, now that he is gone.

I put my face in my hand. I cannot tell any of my friends about this feeling inside of me. Perhaps I could tell Starfire, but I don’t want to confuse or worry her. I’ll have to keep it to myself. I’ll lock it away with all the other things I have locked away throughout my life, and I will pretend it’s not there.

But I am so very, very lonely.

--THE END--

Dig the quote a the top? I thought it fit well with the story. I’ve always liked that quote since we had a project in English last year, so I decided to put it in with the fic.

Oh, and this isn’t Robin/Slade either. For some reason everything platonic I write comes out shippy.

Anyway, make of it what you will. Robin and Slade still remain my favorites so they get another fic from me.