Author: mumyou nanashi PM
The events from Gundam SEED from the impartial eyes of a humble reporter... yeah, right. Gundam SEED in newspaper form. [check out the covers for issues 3 and 6 from MapleRose!]Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 25,361 - Reviews: 131 - Favs: 90 - Follows: 63 - Updated: 06-24-06 - Published: 01-23-05 - id: 2232842
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED. Any similarities that this fic might have to anything are purely coincidental.
Volume 1 Issue 1
Message from the Editor
WELCOME TO TODAY'S NEWEST, HOTTEST, HIPPEST AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN 'ZINE!
Welcome to the first ever issue of SEED WEEKLY! I am the editor-in-chief! Well, what can you expect from this magazine?
From this day forth, we will provide you with up-to-date news, amazing and enlightening features, revolutionary columns and many more! This is the only common thing between Coordinators and Naturals! We are not affiliated with the EA or ZAFT (we're completely neutral) so you can expect only the best and unbiased views on the world (and space!) around us.
Our news reporters are very efficient in their field, fearless, and reliable, regardless of their genetic type! But don't think that just because we have the best staff, we won't be needing contributions from YOU, our dear readers! We're planning to have a Fanfic Review Column by Orga Sabnak. If you want your fics to be reviewed, just inform us!
So, please read on! And don't forget to leave your comments and suggestions!
Heliopolis, attacked by Coordinators
By Orga Sabnak
Heliopolis, a resource satellite sponsored by the neutral nation of Orb, was attacked 2 days ago by ZAFT soldiers.
What started out as an ordinary day, soon ended in destruction as ZAFT soldiers infiltrated Heliopolis and caused damage and demolition. The survivors stated firmly that they were just minding their own business when several explosions were heard and they were instructed to enter the shelters. They DID NOT, however, see any Earth Alliance's military secrets and officers, contrary to the speculations.
"Why, I was just on my way back to my office/lab after getting some chow when it happened. I just hope my students got out in time, especially Kira. Who'd I boss around if gets killed?" Professor Kato, a member of the faculty of a technical college in Heliopolis stated.
The escape pods were ordered to launch after Heliopolis' walls were hit by a missile. Unfortunately, it appears that several college students had gone missing prior to the incident. Kira Yamato, Miriallia Haww, Tolle Koenig, Ssigh Argyle and Kuzzey Buskirk, all 16 years of age. Their parents have filed for 'missing person' reports but Orb officials presume them to be dead or if they were lucky, had managed to catch up with the missing escape pod (which reports say had malfunctioned and may be floating helplessly in space).
Many of the survivors complained that the shelters were smelly and full of irritating children. Some complained that some escape pods required modification of its OS. "Don't tell me that the nation of Orb has been running on an old OS?" a survivor, who wishes to remain anonymous, burst out angrily. The Chief Representative of Orb is currently unavailable for comment.
The reason for the attack is still currently unknown but the Earth Alliance is positive that the GAT-X series of the mobile suits and the Atlantic Federation's newest warship, the Archangel, were NOT the cause of the surprise attack. Coordinators just proved themselves that they are the scum of earth.
By Shani Andras
Following the destruction of the resource satellite Heliopolis, the Eurasian Federation suffered a huge blow by the obliteration of their military base, the Artemis.
Artemis, which was thought to be impenetrable because of its shield barrier, exploded into bits and pieces by means of a mobile suit equipped with Mirage Colloid. The barrier, more commonly known as the Umbrella of Artemis, is turned off when there are no enemy forces within close range. The MS with the Mirage Colloid was not detected and was able to enter Artemis effortlessly and had managed to destroy the shield, thus making the base vulnerable to attacks.
A high-ranking officer released this statement several hours ago. "Erm, well, as you can see, we are currently headquartered-less. I'm afraid that we have underestimated the abilities of the ZAFT forces… But you can't blame us! It's all the fault of that stinking warship, the Archangel! Blast it!"
The crew of the Archangel was unavailable for comment. Sources say that they are heading to meet with the 8th fleet. Another high-ranking officer of the Eurasian Federation has this to say, "You all should go to hell! Damn you! If I were Admiral Halberton, I'd stay clear of that blasted ship's path! They're a bloody floating jinx! Never mind ghost ships! The Archangel's definitely cursed!"
BLIND PRIEST RALLIES FOR PEACE
By Crot Buer
Blind priest, Reverend Malchio, was seen yesterday waving pennants for peace during the press conference regarding the destruction of Artemis.
Rev. Malchio was heard uttering this statement: "Brothers and sisters, now is not the time for war, but for all of us to hold hands and strive for peace. We must not let hatred rule our hearts. We are one and the same. We are all human beings!"
It would have been a moving speech if he was not talking to the wall. The Earth Alliance officials, after recovering from fits of hilarious laughter, countered, "The war that we are fighting for is inevitable. One must die at the hands of the other for neither can live while the other one survives."
The priest revealed his plans of peace all of which sounded impossible and rubbish. Readers might remember that Rev. Malchio was once involved in the smuggling of pirated CD's of pop idol Lacus Clyne.
LACUS CLYNE, MISSING!
By Asagi Caldwell
Lacus Clyne, daughter of PLANT Supreme Council Chairman, Siegel Clyne, was reported missing yesterday.
Miss Clyne was said to have launched into space prior to the preparations for the first year anniversary of the Bloody Valentine Tragedy. She was aboard the Silverwind to survey the remains of Junius Seven and, probably, to film a music video. The ship vanished from radar detection and is speculated to have been damaged by floating debris.
Meanwhile, Athrun Zala, Miss Clyne's fiancé, was withdrawn from his mission of chasing the legged ship, the Archangel, to find Miss Clyne. Rau Le Creuset, Mr. Zala's superior, has this to say, "Well, it is only proper for Athrun to come to Miss Clyne's rescue. He has been relieved of his (sneer)…obligations…for the mean time."
WANTED: New Crew for a warship. Excellent benefits and funeral plans. Mindless pawns a must. Kids need not apply. Contact Lt. Natarle Badgiruel at the Archangel, ASAP.
We are in need of a rich benefactor. Anyone will do, so long as s/he's loaded. Send your bios to Sahib Ashman, Desert Dawn HQ, Tassil.
MISSING: FLAY ALLSTER, 15 years old, red hair, slate-gray eyes. Last seen boarding an automatic car in Heliopolis. Reward of 1,000,000 Earth Dollars to anyone who could give information of her whereabouts. Contact Vice-Minister George Allster of the Advance Fleet.
Does your military equipment date as far back as the 20th century? Are you trailing far, far behind your enemies' mobile suit technology? What about your warships? Do they explode as easily as cheap cars in the movies? Worry not! Morgenroete Inc. specializes in these types of predicaments! Drop by our office at Onogoro Island in the Orb Union or at Heliopolis!
Are you fond of drinking coffee? Are you willing to try out different kinds of coffee? If you answered yes to both questions, then the Desert Tiger needs YOU! Earn easy bucks by being a coffee taste tester. Apply in person at the Lesseps, just outside Tassil. Look for Andrew Waltfeld.
YOUR PLANET NEEDS YOU! The OMNI Forces is in need of three young, able-bodied pilots. Must be able to follow orders and willing to take drugs. Must be NATURALS who hate Coordinators. Send your bio data to Murata Azrael, Atlantic Federation.
HOW TO SURVIVE MILITARY LIFE
By Murrue Ramius
Okay, first of all, the whole title was supposed to be "How to Survive Military Life in the Presence of Mindless Vice-Captains, Hentai Commanders, Spineless Wimps, Lovey-Dovey Couples, Jealous Glass-man, Slutty Girlfriends and Hesitant Pilots", but it wouldn't fit so I compressed it, you know, to, uh, make it fit.
Many of you may NOT know that I (along with the remaining crew of the, um, a nameless warship) are currently playing hosts to a couple of teenage brats. I am the gorgeous Captain of the, um, nameless warship and we were currently on our way to a not-so-significant mission when we ran into these teenage brats. Seeing as I had no other choice, I let them come along so that they could add a little spice to their worthless existence. Of course, the fact that we were currently running short on crewmen and the like had NOTHING to do with this.
Okay, I was only made Captain because our previous captain died. But anyway! Aside from dealing with these teenage brats, I had to deal with the Mindless Vice-Captain and the Hentai Commander, too! Well, the Hentai Commander's not that bad, he's actually good-looking… but the Mindless Vice-Captain is a different story. She spends her time going against me and questioning my orders. The teenage brats! Well, they're pretty self-explanatory. The Spineless Wimp does nothing but complain and complain and complain! The Lovey-Dovey Couple are so affectionate towards each other to the point of cheesy-ness! The Jealous Glass-man, well, is he even there? Who was he again? I forgot. The Hesitant Pilot gets on my nerves the most! I mean, come on! When's he gonna realize that we need him to save our helpless butts out here? Good thing the Slutty Girlfriend whipped him up pretty good.
After the brief explanation of my current predicament, I would like to state step number one in surviving military life in the presence of this loons: ASPIRINS.
A – sk for
S – pecial and
P – roper
I – ncentives
R – egarding
I – ncompetent and
N – umbskull
S – ubordinates
It's pretty self-explanatory, don't you think? Now, the first thing I'm going to do when I meet up with my superiors is to ask for a raise. So, that's STEP 1. Remember: ASPIRINS!
And read the next issue for STEP 2!
This is a no-nonsense, straight-to-the-point advice column by Flay Allster
I'm an ace pilot from the (EA), er, I mean, from nowhere. I'm just an ace pilot, okay? Well, I met this girl, she's the captain, see? I think I like her. And she likes me. No doubt about that. I mean, what's there to NOT like about me? I'm a hunkalicious blond! But the thing is, the vice-captain likes me, too. I know that I gotta choose sooner or later between them. I really, really, REALLY! want to choose the Captain but I'm afraid it'll cause more tension between her and the vice-captain. They're currently fighting over the ship and I don't want to add to their problems. Well, what do I do? The Captain's really gorgeous with boobs as big as Olympus Mons and wait 'til you see 'em bounce when the ship rocks! Well, I suppose Vice-Captain's kinda pretty, too. If you go for the flat-chested, guy-looking type. Can you answer this ASAP? Okay, thanks!
It's clear to me who you should choose. The Captain, of course! How can you even think about the Vice-Captain? Hooking up with the Captain would possibly be the greatest move to boost your career! An ace pilot? Pft. You get a lot of those nowadays, and believe me; it does nothing to extend your life here on earth…or in space, whichever. If you get together with the captain, think of the benefits! She won't send you to all those dangerous missions, you get the most honking pad in the ship, you get a raise, you have control over the most powerful person in the ship…the possibilities are endless! About the 'tension' between the Captain and the Vice-Captain. Who cares? I don't! And you shouldn't either. It's every man for himself out here, buster!
Hope I solved your dilemma!
PS. Could you lessen all those arrogant comments? It looks a tad bit conceited, and that kind of image does not work for everyone!
Just call me, uh, Aegis. See, I have this friend, uh, Strike. But I'm not so sure if he's still my friend. We met on the moon when we were 5 years old. We became the best of friends. We were always together! We spent detention together, we always cleaned the bathrooms together, we were always in the principal's office together… we were that close. But well, I had to go back to my homeland and we got separated. Now, he's on the side of the enemy! He should be on our side, but he says he's not on anyone's side; he just wants to protect his friends. Yeah, right. I mean, what kind of dumb excuse is that? And then he turns the tables and implies I'm a liar! He says that I said that I don't like wars. Well, I don't really like war, but what can I do? Turn my back on my own homeland? The nerve of that guy! And to think I was the one who taught him the finer things in life!
Your friend seems to have forgotten you already. He wants to protect his friends he says. Well, what are you? A nobody? You're his friend too! And he doesn't want to protect you. Well, if he still won't join your side, kill him! You don't have any use for him, anyways. If that doesn't work, kill his friends! It's their fault that your friend is acting that way. Hope everything turns out okay!
Hey, everybody! Welcome to the first ever issue of our 'zine! And of course, no magazine would be complete without – duh! - the gossip column! I decided to write it anonymously because of, you know, security reasons. Times are hard as our celebrities go more violent and bloodthirsty!
GOSSIP NUMBER 1: To start it all of, there's a rumor going around that Princess Cagalli Yula Athha is missing! Yes, the Princess of Orb. Well, some say that she was in Heliopolis when it exploded. Still others say that she joined a resistance group in the Middle East. How far-fetched can these stories get? Next thing you know, there will be all sorts of rumors that she joined the Archangel! Hah!
VERDICT: Well, anyway, the Athha House is tight-lipped about the issue, but we know that something did happen to her. She has been absent in the glamour scene, and one source says that she ran away from home! So, it could be PARTLY TRUE!
GOSSIP NUMBER 2: Another major rumor going around is that the reason why Athrun Zala and Lacus Clyne are getting married is because the songstress is pregnant!
VERDICT: I've met Lacus personally and I don't think she's that kind of girl. She seems nice and very conservative. So, I'd say it's FALSE!
GOSSIP NUMBER 3: Tension between Athrun Zala and Yzak Joule, both from the Le Creuset Team, is threatening to split the team apart.
VERDICT: I've already got the views of their commander, and Rau Le Creuset has this to say, "(sneer) Well, there is some truth to that. But it's only normal for a team to have misunderstandings. Joule has always been critical of Zala and that's not new. We're used to it. Certain disputes like this can't possibly break up the team. (smirk) Unless of course they want to face court martial." And I believe the commander of course! He's so cute! What with that little mask and that sneer.
Well, that's just for the first issue. Wait 'till Gundam SEED unravels! I mean, um, there's more to come in the future so stick around!
LE CREUSET TEAM, TODAY'S HOTTEST MALE GROUP
By Miss Aisha
What do you get when you put one gorgeous commander and four equally good-looking soldiers? Why, you get the Le Creuset Team! Never mind if they're not in show business! Technically, they are a group! So let's all meet the hunks that make up the Le Creuset Team!
The Commander: Rau Le Creuset. He was awarded the Order of the Nebula, having managed to destroy countless mobile armors and warships. With his blond hair and, uh, mask, his whole calm and mysterious demeanor attract a lot of women. The Subordinates: Athrun Zala, the son of ZAFT Head, Patrick Zala. His blood line is not the only one responsible for his position now. He graduated from ZAFT Military Academy with the highest honors. Dream on, girls! This guy's already taken by none other than Lacus Clyne. Yzak Joule, the son of Rep. Ezaria Joule. He might look feminine but he's definitely (and thankfully) male! He may be hot-headed sometimes, but not everyone goes for the good boy type! Dearka Elthman, the son of Rep. Tad Elthman. This guy's just oozing with charm and self-confidence. You surely won't get bored with this guy around! Nicol Amarfi, the son of Rep. Yuri Amarfi. This classy young lad plays the piano. So all those seeking for the gentle, boy-next-door type, Nicol's for you!
There was one more member of the Le Creuset Team, Rusty Mackenzie. But due to some unfortunate circumstances, he was not able to make it to this interview. We have taken the liberty of avoiding the issue since it is a hard time for all the members.
Aisha: Hello? So! How is space? How was your first mission?
Rau: Well, (sneer) it's alright. It doesn't feel as if we're chasing the legged-ship. We've managed to destroy Heliopolis and blow up the Artemis, all in one week. Only the Archangel left.
Aisha: How about you guys?
Nicol: Actually, not-so-good. I feel like puking. Who'd have thought I'd get space-sick so easily?
Dearka: Yeah, you're greener than your hair!
Yzak: I, on the other hand, haven't experienced a decent sleep ever since I bunked with you guys! Athrun's snores could wake up the dead!
Athrun: Well, at least, I don't have a blankie anymore!
Yzak: What the f-? You knew about that? Shut up!
Rau: You see what I have to put up with? If they weren't the sons of Council members, I'd have abandoned them a long, long time ago. But, oh well (sneer)…
Aisha: Um, moving on… What do you miss most in the PLANTs?
Rau: Gravity. Definitely. Sometimes floating can get dreary, you know.
Dearka: All the pretty girls! I looked around this ship and there are no freakin' girls. What's up with that?
Nicol: Well, (smile) my piano!
Yzak: That's because you don't have a life.
Dearka: What about you, Yzak? Miss your mommy?
Yzak: Shut up!
Athrun: Well, I suppose I miss my tools…I haven't finished my greatest invention yet, you know.
Aisha: You don't miss your fiancée?
Athrun: Huh? Fiancée? Oh, you mean Lacus! Well, I guess I miss her sometimes.
Aisha: A lot of people say that you're the hottest male group nowadays! What can you say to that?
Rau: Well, they are right, obviously. With me as this team's commander, what more could you expect?
Nicol: Really? They're saying that? Wow! I guess we've been up here for too long! That'll boost up the sales of the tickets for my up-coming concert.
Dearka: I can't wait to get home and hit on all the girls!
Yzak: I couldn't care less.
Athrun: Um, well, I don't know how my father will take this. What if he thinks we're doing nothing here?
Aisha: To the 4 guys, how was life before this?
Athrun: We were in ZAFT Military Academy… (shudder) I don't want to think about it anymore…
Yzak: I'm not talking.
Dearka: It was…
Aisha: Um…Commander? What's wrong with them?
Rau: (sneer) What happens inside the Academy is classified.
Aisha: Okay…Describe your comrades.
Rau: They are all a bunch of teenagers. But I think when the need arises I can count on them to not mess up so much.
Yzak: The commander displays favoritism. Athrun's bossy. Dearka's messy. Nicol's too nice... (turns to his teammates) I dare anyone of you to say I look like a girl.
Dearka: The commander's okay, I guess. I just wished he'd stop sneering all the time. It kinda creeps me out, you know? Athrun and Nicol are way too nice for my tastes. I mean, can't they do something naughty? Yzak's okay. He's my pal.
Athrun: Well, the commander's nice. I wish Yzak and Dearka would listen to me, I'm the unofficial vice-commander! And Nicol's okay, he's the only one who listens!
Nicol: Everybody's nice! I just wish they'd come to my concert. Athrun's the only one who RSVP-ed.
And that concludes our interview with the Le Creuset Team! We're definitely waiting for some developments to the team!
To My Dearest Daughter Cagalli
I'm sorry for all the bad things Daddy told you. Come home, sweetheart. Daddy misses you so much.
From your Loving Daddy
To the Gutless Pilot of the X-105 Strike
I'm telling you this for the last time: Join us! Forget your blasted friends! I thought I was your friend! Join us if you know what's good for you! We have much high-tech facilities than that legged-ship!
From your best buddy Athrun
To the Dashing Pilot of the Duel,
Oh, how I long to hold you in my arms and to run my hands through your straight silver hair. How I long to caress your face and to gaze deeply in your eyes. I hope we get the chance to meet face-to-face.
Your Secret Admirer
To the Atlantic Federation
You morons! You're blasted ship just caused our base to be destroyed! You owe us a new base!
From the Eurasian Federation
To my Zakie-Baby-Pooh
How are you, my son? I hope you are alright. Are they giving you a hard time over there? Remember to brush your teeth before you sleep. It's a good thing you didn't forget to bring your blankie. Listen to your Commander, okay? I love you. Mwah!
Hugs and Kisses,
SEED Weekly Staff
News Editor: Ledonir Kisaka
Feature Editor: Erika Simmons
Writers: Orga Sabnak
Juri Wu Nien
Contributors: Murrue Ramius