Author: mumyou nanashi PM
The events from Gundam SEED from the impartial eyes of a humble reporter... yeah, right. Gundam SEED in newspaper form. [check out the covers for issues 3 and 6 from MapleRose!]Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 25,361 - Reviews: 131 - Favs: 90 - Follows: 63 - Updated: 06-24-06 - Published: 01-23-05 - id: 2232842
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Volume 1 Issue 7
Message from the Editor
You might be thinking, 'Woah! A new issue? In just a month?' This little editor has decided that this little newspaper has been ignored for far too long. (-sigh-) Okay, I confess. It has come to my attention that a new 'zine has made itself known to the public… with some of my writers on the staff no less (-glares at aforementioned writers-). Bunch of traitors… Well, (-tight smile-) best of luck to the staff of 'GSEED The Ultimate Magazine'.
I'm feeling rather upset (and childish) today. What with the blatant disregard for journalism ethics running amok and Lacus Clyne's cancelled concert (there better be ticket refunds of there'll be hell to pay!), this editor is clearly not a happy camper…
Well! Going back to regular programming… What have we got for this issue? An editorial column from a contributor! The return of our Interviews Column! Plus, a new (albeit, temporary) advice columnist!
The staff of SEED Monthly thank all of our loyal supporters and readers. For subscriptions, please click on 'Add Story to Story Alert'. For comments and criticisms, please leave a review. For advertisements, instant messages (for the message board), contributions, etc., please leave a review or email the editor-in-chief at mumyou (underscore) nanashi (at) yahoo (dot) com (dot) ph.
Thanks and hope you enjoy this early issue!
- mumyou nanashi
PS. To ArchAngel, thanks for the message, dearie. I appreciate it. Us girls have to stick together, right? But the complainants have yet to contact me… Seems like they finally decided to drop the charges! I've got my fingers crossed! Haha! A black sheep! (-uneasy smile-) Now, where did that come from, I wonder?
FREEDOM GUNDAM STOLEN!
By Juri Wu Nien
One of ZAFT's newest mobile suits, the ZGMF-10A FREEDOM, was reported stolen last May 5 by military officials.
Patrick Zala, the current Chairman of the PLANTs and Head of ZAFT, was literally steaming with rage when the reports came in. The Freedom was one of the most heavily guarded equipment in the base and yet, it was stolen under their noses, like taking candy from a baby. The 'candy' in question was reported to being installed with a state-of-the-art Neutron Jammer Canceller.
The NJC, as the name implies, is capable of nullifying the effects of the N-Jammer, and thus allowing the mobile suit to operate using nuclear energy. No wonder Zala is throwing temper tantrums.
The perpetrator was, surprisingly, pop-idol Lacus Clyne. Video evidence showed her and a brown-haired young man wearing a ZAFT uniform in the scene of the crime shortly before the theft. This publication tried to get Miss Clyne's side, but she was unavailable for comment.
ALASKA BASE, TRASHED!
By Mayura Labatt
Following the trend of every friggin' territory that the Archangel has passed, the Joint Supreme Headquarters – Alaska, or JOSH-A, was completely destroyed.
Shortly before the attack on the Alaska base, ZAFT had leaked information that the target of Operation Spitbreak was Panama. But it seems as if it was only a decoy to catch the EA unaware. The true target was JOSH-A all along. ZAFT's full force attacked the base, and because most of the base's defending and attacking force were sent to Panama, the Alaskan base was, quite frankly, a sitting duck.
For the first few moments of Operation Spitbreak, it seemed as if ZAFT would finally win the war. But then, the tables were turned when a suicidal attack obliterated everything within the immediate vicinity. It seems as if the double-crossers were double-crossed.
It should be noted, however, that the Archangel was present when the attack took place.
CLYNE, BRANDED 'TRAITOR'
By Crot Buer
Due to the Freedom Theft incident and the information leakage regarding the true target of Operation Spitbreak, Siegel Clyne, former Chairman of the PLANTs and co-founder of the then-Zodiac Alliance, was accused as a traitor by his successor and ex-best friend, Patrick Zala.
His daughter, pop-idol Lacus Clyne, was charged with the theft of the X10A-Freedom while Siegel Clyne himself was accused of having given the information to the Earth Alliance Forces resulting in the death of so many ZAFT soldiers.
As of this writing, the Clyne Family was reported to have dug a hole to escape from Patrick Zala's clutches.
FANS OF LACUS CLYNE DEMAND A REFUND
By Shani Andras
The whole Clyne Family, having been branded as traitors to the PLANTs, have gone into hiding, thus resulting to the canceling of Lacus Clyne's up-and-coming concert.
Enraged fans have rallied up to the PLANT Supreme Council Headquarters demanding to have the traitor-image be temporarily withheld.
"At least let her finish the concert first!" an angry fan demanded (which eerily resembled a particular editor-in-chief). "Afterwards, they can lock her up, torture her or interrogate her for all I care!"
Another equally hostile fan, a silver-haired ZAFT Red Coat, summed up everyone's thoughts in the matter in just one word. "S(bleep)T!"
ZALA-CLYNE NUPTIALS CANCELLED
By Asagi Caldwell
The most awaited wedding of the year has been cancelled, thanks to the bride's kleptomaniac tendencies.
Athrun Zala and Lacus Clyne, today's most celebrated couple, had had a falling out, sources say. It may be attributed to the fact that Miss Clyne is on top of Patrick Zala's, Athrun's father, most wanted list. Miss Clyne was clearly one of the, if not the, perpetrator of the Freedom Theft Incident.
A clearly heart-broken Athrun was seen rushing off to Junius Five's White Symphony Theater, carrying a pink Haro. This publication tried to get his side, but he was too distraught to respond properly. We assure our reader, however, that we will get his side no matter what.
They were such a cute couple!
Why Naturals Hate Us So
I know editors are the only ones allowed to write editorials, but please, give me a break here! You have no friggin' idea how terrible and lonely it is to be locked up behind bars with the girl who tried – and almost succeeded – to kill you as the only one who bothers to give you food.
Now, for the record, I am a ZAFT soldier, being held prisoner at possibly one of the worst battleships known to man. I am a Coordinator, duh? For sixteen years of my life, I have lived with the lie that all was well with the world. That there was peace. Well, screw peace! Just a month before my sixteenth birthday, a space colony got blasted by some two-faced Naturals.
I was old enough then, to understand why it happened, unlike some people I know (coughAthruncough). They hated us. Why? Because, apparently, it wasn't godly to mess with one's genes. Well, what a bunch of hypocrites they were! Was it godly then, to kill our kind? Hah. If they would just admit that they were jealous because we were so much better than them and just kiss our collective asses, then all would've been fine with the world. We could've died satisfied, knowing the truth of their obvious jealousy towards us.
The Earth Alliance Forces, more properly termed as the Oppose Militancy & Neutralize Invasion Enforcers (what a dumb name), are a bunch of jealous losers. And that is final.
Of course, it doesn't help that I've just got my ass kicked by a bunch of PMSing Natural girls…
NEEDED: Loyal Crusaders. Must be Pro-Clyne and able to keep secrets. Buy Lacus Clyne's CDs, bring proof of purchase and contact Martin DaCosta.
WANTED: New Advice Columnist. Please submit your resumés and credentials to the editor-in-chief. Our last columnist may have departed to the Great Beyond, but we assure you that she did not die while on duty.
NEEDED: New Base. Our last one just got busted…by ourselves, no less. We also need thousands of soldiers to enlist to replace the ones that got, er, microwaved. Great funeral benefits and lifetime pensions! Go to the nearest EA base near you!
MISSING: Freedom Gundam. Anyone who can give relevant information will be highly rewarded. Please contact Athrun Zala in Reverend Malchio's island.
JOSH-A Cremation Services! Have a dead loved one and don't know where to bury him/her? Funeral lots being filled up by corpses at an inhuman rate? Killed someone and want to destroy the evidence? Well, we've got just the thing for you! With our state-of-the-art Cyclops System, we assure you that nothing will be left of your loved one! So get call us today and watch your loved one be vaporized to bits!
Reverend Malchio now offering exorcism packages. We offer big discounts to big ships like the ARCHANGEL. Call Reverend Malchio at his remote island. On second thought… just email him at sightlesshunk (at) remote-islands (dot) com (dot) orb
HOW TO SURVIVE MILITARY LIFE
By Murrue Ramius
Why, oh why, does everything we cross paths with meet their respective dooms? I mean, wasn't this ship blessed or anything? Alaska has just been cooked – microwaved, to be precise – with us almost being caught "well-done", if you catch my drift.
After having us court-martialed because of the most stupid reason (i.e. having Kira on-board), they take away the Chestless Vice-Captain, the Slutty Girlfriend and, of all people, the Hentai Commander! I mean, god! It was okay that they had the first two re-assigned, but to include the Commander as well? Oh, that is just asking for it! I know I said I was annoyed at him at first, but he kind of grows on you… like a fungus.
Anyway, to make things short, they left me alone with the brats. How the hell am I supposed to take care of hormone-induced teenagers all by my lonesome? Then, they say, "Oh, blah-di-blah-di-blah, stay here and act as back-up, blah-di-blah-di-blah" when they meant, "Stay here and get cooked." They almost frickin' killed us! Those a(bleep)s!
Allow me to regain my composure.
So, we did the only sensible thing to do when your superiors decide to kill you (as seen in our previous lessons):
H – ide
I – n
D – aftest
E – nemy Country
The daftest enemy country being ORB. Ah, those schmucks. See? It helps to establish connections! And for those who are curious, I got my Hentai Commander back!
ASK FLAY YZAK
(This is a no-nonsense, straight-to-the-point advice column by Flay Allster Yzak Joule)
Note from the Editor:
This fic was formerly manned (or wo-manned) by Flay Allster. Please be informed that due to unfavorable and unfortunate circumstances, this column will be taken over by Mr. Yzak Joule for an indefinite period of time (or until we get a new replacement) Miss Allster has gone MIA on us… or maybe she has cast lots on the other publication (-glares-). For the mean time, we hope Mr. Joule will serve as a better columnist than Miss Allster.
Are you still in charge of your advice column? I mean, do they still pay you to write it even though you're disembarking from the AA?
Anyway, if you are still writing a column, I could use some advice...
You see, there's this guy, let's call him Mobieus, who I think I've fallen in love with. But the problem is, he's leaving soon, because he's changing his job (or rather, his boss /ordered/ him to change his job). I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to leave, though I'm not sure how he feels about me. The thing is, should I tell him how I feel before he leaves? Is there even a point? I mean, it's not like I have the authority to make him stay...
(Please read above note) So, I guess you're stuck with me then, huh? Let's see, what a sucky boss you have! Me, if I were your commander, I'd certainly tolerate relationships between my subordinates to form. Then, they'd procreate, and I'd have even more minions! Haha!
Anyway, DO NOT TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! That would just further distract in him his duties. And as a soldier, that is highly un-recommended. There isn't a point because military orders are ABSOLUTE and FINAL. Now, if you'd rather he'd stay… then, I suggest that you defect.
Hope that helps.
Dear Yzak (because I know Flay has dropped off the face of the earth),
I have a problem, someone has copied my work… Or at least I think she did. I'm not sure. Hehe.
You know that I have taken over this column even before it was made public knowledge… You must have high connections. Anyway, write to me again when you make up your mind. For the meantime, stop bugging me, you ego-centric freak!
I'm a ZAFT soldier, currently being held prisoner by the Earth Alliance. The thing is, a girl and her friend (both from the EA) tried to kill me. Now, nothing is strange in this picture, but the girl suddenly comes around and actually saves me. What the heck is up with that? My problem is this: Do you think there is a slight chance that all will be normal with me?
Normal? Hah! I suggest you commit suicide, buddy, before you fall in love with that Natural b(bleep)h and defect.
PS. The next time you mail me with that name, I'll kill you.
Unfortunately, the Editor-In-Chief did not appreciate my anti-hero sentiments (read: was too cheap to get my services) so, no, Villainy for Dummies will forever remain as a 'one-shot'. I, however, wish you luck on your antagonistic endeavors.
From Commander Rau Le Creuset
PS. I suggest stealing or getting backing from rich officials for the next step.
What the hell happened, you masked idiot! The whole bloody armada got sunk! The blasted Naturals knew that we were coming and even prepared a welcome party, you schmuck! Find out who leaked the information, or else I'd demote you six feet under, if you get what I mean!
Not-Rau a.k.a. that handsome rouge,
Thanks for the tip!
I arrived safely on earth. Er… if you call being almost microwaved to death, 'safe'. Take care over there.
PS. If you see Athrun, tell him that after getting almost fried, it'd be a relief to see him.
We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you! We beat you!
Who's the dumb Natural, now?
From The Earth Forces
Word has it that the Archangel is headed that-a-way. You better prepare for the full-scale war that will follow it.
From a VERY concerned citizen
UPCLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH PRINCESS CAGALLI OF ORB
By Ledonir Kisaka
Princess Cagalli Yula Athha of ORB. Probably one of the coolest royals in the history of royals. After running away from home because her father told her she hadn't seen much of the world, she witnessed the theft of the four EA mobile suits, joined and financed a resistance group in Africa and joined the crew (almost) of the cursed black sheep – the Archangel. So how does she do it? Where does she get all that spunk – that rebellious nature? This writer had secured an interview with the fiery blond and this is what we've uncovered.
Kisaka: So, Princess…
Cagalli: (bored look) Yeah?
Kisaka: Where did you get that rebellious nature?
Cagalli: (rolls eyes) Haven't you heard of preambles? Anyway, I suppose I got that from my, (dry look) isn't it obvious? I got it from my Father because he was my only parent. I guess that rebellious streak manifested itself when I was six and saw a toy gun from my childhood playmate, Yuuna. I wanted it, but my Father wouldn't buy me one. So I punched Yuuna in the face and got the gun.
Kisaka: (sweatdrops) Well, that was… more than I asked for. Anyway, did the lack of a mother-figure resulted in you being boyish?
Cagalli: (glares) No. My being boyish resulted from having a male bodyguard (pointed look).
Kisaka: I must say your bodyguard taught you well.
Cagalli: (dry look) You bet he did.
Kisaka: The entertainment press is currently linking you to an unknown ZAFT soldier whom you rescued. Are any of the rumors true? About you giving him a lucky charm and all? (evil look)
Cagalli: (blushes) Where did you get that? Not a drop of it is true! (stammers) Y-you shouldn't believe everything you hear!
Kisaka: Oh? And what of those who have seen? (smug look)
Cagalli: (smugger look) Well, they'll just have to be fired if they don't keep their mouths shut.
Kisaka: Shutting up. Tell us about your experiences in the desert.
Cagalli: What is there to tell? I got sprayed with yogurt and chili sauce and I almost got blasted to pieces numerous times. Same old stuff.
Kisaka: And being part (almost) of the cursed black sheep, the Archangel?
Cagalli: First of all, it's not cursed. Second…
(Random military officer: Princess Cagalli! Colonel Kisaka! The Archangel is here!)
Cagalli: What? Crap!
Kisaka: (sighs) I guess it's time to plan our funerals then?
And there you have it. An up-close and personal with none other than Princess Cagalli. One thing's for sure, with this lady's (?) violent and brash behavior, one should have his insurance secured when meeting with her.
Editor-in-chief: mumyou nanashi
News Editor: Ledonir Kisaka
Feature Editor: Erika Simmons
Writers: Shani Andras
Juri Wu Nien
Regular Columnists: Murrue Ramius