Coffee Isn’t for Teenagers

What do you get when you mix Gambit, Logan, Jinx, an Avenger, and a lot of coffee? Easy! One hyperactive mutant teen, one seriously ticked off Canadian, one vaguely regretful Cajun, one slightly afraid mimic…and a lot of reconstruction bills for the Professor. One-shot. R&R!

Note: No real connection to “Kurt and the Shadowed Soul”, except for Jinx, and the mentioning of the character of Jinn. I just like Jinx. She’s funneh!

Disclaimer: I don’t own….wait; it’d be easier to state what I DO own. I own Jinx and Jinn, but none of the X-Men. I don’t own Jack Sparrow. (cries) I don’t even own Windvuur. I’d like to thank my friend William “Windy” for making him up and allowing for me to borrow him and harshly abuse his character in this rather messed-up humor fic. Rated for slight language.

Chapter 1: Coffee Isn’t for Teenagers

“Watcha doin’?”

“Fixing my bike.”

“Ain’t this Scott’s bike?”

“A minor technicality, kid. Don’t you got someone else ya can be bothering right now?”

“Jinn’s watchin’ TV with Kurt, Cyclops and Storm are practicin’ in the Danger Room with some a’ the students, Jean took Jubilee and Kitty shoppin’, an’ Bobby froze over the pool again so him an’ Rogue are ice skatin’.” Jinx counted out the current occupations of her friends and teachers out on her fingers, as Logan sighed and slid out from under his…or Scott’s…bike. He grabbed an oil rag from the garage floor, and wiped the oil off of his fingers while Jinx finished and looked at him expectantly. Of course she was bothering him. With no one else around to annoy, who else was she going to turn to?

“So why didn’t you go with Jean and the girls?” he asked gruffly, standing up ad walking over to the tool rack. He grabbed a socket wrench and turned again, almost running into teenager who had been following him. She made a face, her naturally pink eyes narrowed in revulsion.

“Shoppin’? At the mall?” she asked in confusion, sticking her pierced tongue out in disgust. Okay…she had a point there.

Jinx’s bad-luck ability had turned both her hair and eyes a very bright neon pink color. Her eyes themselves were so bright that the dark specks that were her pupils seemed almost lost in the lively shades. Her clothing highly contrasted against all of this, as she usually wore nothing but black clothing. For example, now she wore a black miniskirt, thick black leggings, her usual scuffed and worn combat boots, black tank top with black fishnet armbands…all of the piercings adorning her young face didn’t help refute her rather gothic appeal.

“Good point. Then why don’t you go join Rogue and Bobby?” he asked, making the girl almost laugh.

“Please. Rogue’s no good at it, so all you see is her fallin’ down on her butt, and then Bobby reaching down with a hand to help her. Then all you here from her is “Ah! No! I don’ wanna hurt ya if ya touch me!” and stuff like that. It all sounds like a really bad sex-ed video.” She said blandly. Logan snorted and brushed around the girl, returning to his…or Scott’s…bike.

“And you would know what one a’ them sounds like?”

“Hey, I went to a private boarding school, memba? I could shock you with the things I learned there.” She said defensively, following him right back to the bike. She sat down cross-legged next to him as he crouched and tried to loosen something under the gas tank. He just rolled his eyes and continued with his fixing his…or Scott’s…motorcycle.

“Don’t know why this is acting up all of the sudden…” he grunted as he struggled with one of the bolts. “It’s like someone else was riding it or something…” he suddenly looked at her suspiciously, and she gulped, quickly jumping to her feet.

“Hey…um…ya know what I just remembered? I gotta go! To the …erm…place! You know! To do the…um…the thing! Yea! At the place!” she announced, before turning on her heel and running for the door.

“You owe me a new gas cap!” he shouted after her as she bolted out of the door and slammed it shut behind her.

“Close one…” she muttered under her breath, trotting around the small sidewalk to the kitchen door. She opened it and went inside, muttering under her breath about how much that stupid man was always fussing over his…or Scott’s…bike. Damn it, that man needed to buy that bike off of Scott so she and everyone else in this school knew exactly who it belonged to!

“Somethin’ wrong, chere?” a familiar voice asked interestedly as she closed the kitchen door behind her. She whipped around and grinned at the Cajun man who stood near the stove as his lunch fried in a pan.

“Logan won’t buy Scott’s bike!” she complained as she trotted over to the counter and took a seat so she faced him. He gave her a blank look for a moment, and decided to just smile and nod.

“That’s nice, chere.” He said, forcing a grin. Jus’ smile and nod, Remy. Jus’ smile and nod. Memba, these kids can smell fear…

As if living here wasn’t frightening enough for the Cajun; he had had to put up with Jinx the whole time. He had only been here for a few weeks and already his right eye was starting to twitch of its own accord. Jinx leaned forwards and surveyed his soon-to-be eaten lunch which actually smelled pretty good…wait a minute…was he cooking Cajun shrimp?!

“Hey! Isn’t that cannibalism?” she asked skeptically, as his red and black eyes widened.

“Um…it’s shrimp, cherie.” He said with a blink. Twitch.

“Cannibal!”

“What? You eat seafood, don’t you?”

“None that I knew personally!”

“I didn’t know them personally!”

“That’s what Jack the Ripper said!”

“How would you know what Jack the Ripper said?”

“Hey, I went to boarding school!”

“What does that have to do with anything?!”

Twitch

“That’s what Kenny said!”

Twitch

Twitch

“Who is Kenny?”

“The shrimp you’re about to eat!”

“The shrimp is already dead, cherie!”

“You killed Kenny? You-”

“Okay! Okay! You win, alright?!” Remy shouted in despair, grabbing the handle of the pan, and dumping the contents of the pan into the trashcan located conveniently next to the stove. He tossed the pan into the sink, and turned to glare at the girl only to find her looking at him sadly.

“You’re not just gonna waste that shrimp, are you? There’s tons a’ kids in Africa who would love to have a meal like that.”

“You are de one who told me not to eat it!”

Twitch

“I did? How odd.” Jinx said with wide eyes, as that familiar blue vein that ran along Remy’s temple started to poke out.

“I need…I need alcohol…” he muttered, striding over to the cupboard and pulling the doors open quickly. He sifted through the various food stores, scattering a few spiders here and there. He was about to squash one, but then reconsidered and let it scuttle away. Its name was Bob. It met a spider named Cindy. They had a hundred thousand babies all named Theodore. This didn’t bode well with those who were actually female spiders. They staged a mutiny that lasted five days. There were no survivors.

“Damn it! Dere’s no rum!” he exclaimed, slamming the cupboard shut again.

“Nope. The rum is gone.” Jinx said happily. He turned and glared at her. Twitch.

“But why is the rum gone?”

“Whoa…wrong movie there, Remy. That was “Pirates of the Caribbean”. This is past “X2”.”

“Cherie! The readers aren’t supposed to know we fictional characters!” Remy hissed, as Brian Singer started crying, and ran away from the movie set shouting about how because of this he was now about to go work for “Superman” instead. Oops.

“Oh yea…” Jinx said with wide eyes, not knowing quite what to say. They looked at each other awkwardly, and then glanced through the reader’s computer screen apologetically. Jinx gave an uncomfortable cough, and Remy rubbed the back of his neck with embarrassment.

“Um…sorry ‘bout that, Jack.” Jinx apologized. Jack Sparrow shrugged from his seat next to her at the counter, and took a sip of the rum he had stolen from the cupboard, hence the reason Remy could not find it.

“Happens all the time, luv.” He said, dismissing it with a wave of his hand. He got up from the stool and sat his tri-cornered hat on top of his head with one hand, the other still clutching the bottle. “Well, gotta go. Gibbs sent a message…something ‘bout the Pearl…some blacksmith…some undead pirates, or somethin’ or other.” He said, waving the rum bottle. A portal between movie dimensions opened next to the counter, and he stepped through it and onto the deck of a very small sinking ship.

“Don’t shake the Commodore’s hand!” Jinx shouted to him as the portal closed, but he didn’t hear her. Oops.

“Now that was just weird.” Remy muttered, shaking his head tiredly. “Oh well. If the rum is gone…guess coffee ‘ill have to do.” He muttered, stalking over to the coffeemaker that was conveniently located next to the stove, above the trashcan. He grabbed the tin of coffee grounds conveniently located next to the stove next to the coffeemaker which was situated conveniently above the trashcan, and poured them into the top, then grabbing a lone coffee filter located conveniently next to the coffee tin which was located conveniently next to the coffeemaker which was situated conveniently above the trashcan.

“How convenient.” Jinx remarked as she watched the man make coffee. He gave her a look, and she grinned weakly.

“Shut it, you.”

“I’m just sayin’…”

They waited for a few minutes before realizing that Remy had forgotten to put water into the top of the coffeemaker that was located conveniently above the trashcan on the counter. Remy grabbed a lone white bottle of water which was located conveniently next to where the coffee filter had been conveniently located next to the coffee tin which was conveniently located next to the coffeemaker which was conveniently placed above the trashcan. He uncapped the lid and poured the water inside, and then flipped the lid to the coffeemaker (which was located conveniently above the trashcan) closed. A moment later the water started to drip down into the glass coffee container which was located conveniently under the coffeemaker, just above the conveniently place trashcan. He put the empty bottle into the sink, as it could be reused at one point. The sink was not conveniently located next to anything.

“Wow…dat is convenient.” Remy remarked with a nod.

“What’s coffee taste like?” Jinx asked in curiosity, her pink eyes sparkling with innocence.

“What, you never had coffee before?” Remy asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Hey, I went to a private boarding school! It was conveniently located next to a church!”

“Too bad that church couldn’t set you straight.” He muttered, making her glare.

“Yea? Well it might interest you to know that you’re dealing with a godless heathen!”

“Actually it kind of does.” He said with an interested nod. “You can try some coffee, but on’y a little bit! I won’t have you running around here like some sorta hellion.”

“But I am a hellion!”

“I know, I just don’t want you running around like one.”

“Fine. I’ll walk.”

Twitch

“You might want to get that eye looked at.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A half an hour later, Remy was really starting to regret giving the young teenaged mutant girl all of that coffee.

“Eh…you all right, cherie?” he asked skeptically, to the girl sitting hunched over at the counter.

Twitch

Twitch

Twitch

For once it wasn’t the loveable gumbo himself that was twitching.

“Eh…Jinx? You sure you’re okay?”

Finally, the hyperactive Jinx spoke…and he instantly wished he hadn’t even bothered to ask.

“Ireallylikecoffee,don’tyoulikecoffee,coffeeisrealllygoodcanIhavesomemorecoffeeIpromiseIwon’tgetreallyreallyreallyhyperandbounceoffofthewallsc’monyoucantrustmeallIwantissomemorecoffeeisthatreallysomuchtoaskWHYWON’TYOUGIVEMEMORECOFEE?!” she shrieked, shaking so horribly that the coffee cup in her hand was sloshing the drink all over the kitchen counter.

Twitch

Okay, that time it was Remy with the twitching.

“Um…maybe you’ve had a bit too much. Why don’t I just-” he started, reaching over the counter and trying to take the half-filled cup from Jinx.

“NO!” she screamed, falling backwards off of the stool and landing with a thump on the hard linoleum kitchen floor. Remy blinked and nobody said anything for a moment…

“COFFEE!” Jinx suddenly shouted, jumping to her feet and doing a flip right on top of the counter, landing conveniently next to the coffeemaker which was located conveniently above the trashcan. Before the Cajun could say or do anything to stop her, she had grabbed the half-filled coffee pot from the machine, and started running towards the end of the counter towards the kitchen door, which led conveniently to the outside pathway which then in turn led conveniently towards the garage. Convenient, huh?

“Chere, no!” Remy shouted, running after her on the actual floor. It was too late however, as she reached the door before him and tossed herself through the open window located conveniently in the middle of the door. He stopped in front of the door and watched her run down the path towards the garage, and sighed. Oh well. Let Logan have to put up with her for a while, he supposed.

Logan had just finished working on his…or Scott’s…bike when Jinx came bursting through the door, a coffee cup in one hand, and a half-filled coffee pot in the other. She stood there for a moment, both eyes twitching horribly, and he stared at her.

“Um…Jinx? Did you get into the art teacher’s supply room again? Cause I told you, while that stuff may look like incense, it’s really-”

“COFFEE!” she suddenly shouted joyously, making him immediately understand.

“Oh no. The last thing anybody should ever give you is coffee!” he growled, getting to his feet and wiping his greasy hands off with a rag. He tossed the rag over his shoulder and walked slowly towards the trembling girl, who suddenly narrowed her twitching eyes.

“C’mon, girl. Just hand over the coffee and nobody gets hurt…” he said warningly.

“No! Nye! Nien! Nilch! Nada! Never! Wowthat’salotofnegativewordsthatbeginwiththeletterN!” Jinx screeched, jumping out of the way while gulping at what was left in the coffee cup. She finished that off and tossed the cup behind her. It narrowly missed hitting Logan’s head as he chased her, wondering who on earth was stupid enough to give a girl like Jinx coffee, much less a pot of it.

“Wheeee! Coffeecoffeecoffee!” she shrieked joyously, jumping on top of one of the work benches and running the length of it towards the back of the garage. Logan followed at a jog, hoping she wasn’t going to hurt herself. That would be just what he needed; a kid getting hurt in the garage he had been in at the time. As if Scott wasn’t giving him a hard enough time as it was…that wouldn’t help.

“Geez, kid! Who gave you that stuff, anyways?” he growled as she giggled and hopped on top of Cyclops’s car.

“THE LOVABLE GUMBO!” she said affectionately, using the Cajun man’s rather strange nickname.

“What the h-”

“REMY!” Jinx said with yet another giggled, hopping down from the car and running around it in circles while Logan watched.

“I shoulda known.” He mumbled, shaking his head and running a hand through his pointed hair. A sudden call from the other side of the garage door made him turn quickly, as he did not recognize the voice from the outside.

“Hello? Is anybody out here? Jinx? Jinn?” a male voice was calling, as somebody walked towards the garage; Logan could hear the man’s footsteps. Logan tensed, and Jinx actually stopped running, and went and stood right next to the Canadian man.

“If I didn’t know any better…?” she muttered to herself, narrowing her eyes. That voice sounded oddly familiar…suddenly it snapped, and she started hopping up and down on the balls of her feet excitedly just as the garage door opened and the male stepped inside. He never had a chance, for as soon as the door opened, Jinx practically flew from Logan’s side and collided with the man, hugging him around the middle. The man might have thought there very sweet if the force of the collision had not knocked both him and Jinx straight back out of the door.

“WINDVUUR!” Jinx shrieked as they landed a few feet away on the garden path outside.

“J-Jinx…n-nice to s-see you ag-again…” the man gasped as the pink haired mutant girl practically crushed his rib cage; she still had a tight grip. He grabbed her arms and after a moment managed to pry her away from his middle. She fell back onto her knees laughing like a maniac, and he rubbed his chest sourly.

Windvuur was one of Jinx’s closest friends, though it wasn’t often that he was seen around the Xavier Institute anymore. He had been a teacher there once, but had left before Logan had ever arrived there. Upon visits back to the mansion, he met Jinx and the two became good friends, though he was quite older than she was. Not to mention that he was now an Avenger. That never stopped him from acting just as immature as her sometimes. Then again…perhaps that was one of the reasons Jinx liked having him as a friend.

He had short blonde-brown hair and piercing blue eyes, and today he had toned down, wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and dark jeans with work boots. He had abandoned his Avenger uniform, at least for today. His mutant power was that of mimicry, meaning he could mimic any and all mutant powers that he himself came in contact with.

Muttering sourly to himself, the Avenger noticed that Jinx was rocking back and forth, mumbling to herself as they sat on the hard ground.

“Eh…Jinx?” he asked hesitantly. “Have you been in the art teacher’s storeroom? You do know that that stuff in there isn’t incense, right?”

“I was told there would be plush pillowcases…plushies…pllluuuussshhhiiiieeeeessss!” she giggled, her eyes showing just a hint of madness.

“Jinx, what the hell is the matter with you?” Windvuur asked in confusion, getting up and brushing dust off of his pant legs.

“Remy. LeBeau gave ‘er coffee, that’s what’s wrong with ‘er.” Logan growled, stepping out of the garage and looking at the Avenger suspiciously. “I think I remember you. Yur Windy, right?”

“Windvuur.” He muttered agitatedly. “And who the hell is Remy LeBeau, and why the hell was he stupid enough to give this one coffee?” he asked, jerking his thumb in Jinx’s direction. She was now trying to make a snow angel in the garden path, which was strange as there would usually have to be snow for that to work. She didn’t seem to mind much though,

“I didn’t know she’d end up like dis!” Remy complained through the kitchen window, making the two look up and scowl. “She asked for a cup and I gave it to her! Well…den she took more den jus’ one cup, but still…”

“You should know better than to give her anything.” Logan muttered. Windvuur nodded.

“Yea, I agree with Badger here.”

“That’s Wolverine.”

“You call me Windy, I call you Badger.”

“Why you son of a b-”

“PLLLUUUSSSHHHIIIEEESSS!” Jinx suddenly screamed, getting to her feet and running for one of the other kitchen windows. Before any of them could stop her, or even shout for that matter, she had jumped into the air and tucked and rolled…right through the window. Remy then shouted from the inside as glass sprayed through the kitchen, and after a moment of shocked silence both Windvuur and Logan ran for the kitchen door.

Logan reached it first and wrenched the door open, then running into the kitchen with Windvuur right at his heels. They both came to a halt next to the counter, their eyes wide. They had expected to see a pink-haired teenaged mutant lying among the debris of broken glass in the middle of the floor…but instead they saw a pink-haired teenaged mutant girl standing on her own two feet next to the fridge, her head thrown back as she laughed like an escaped mental patient. The glass had managed to snag and cut some parts of her leggings, but she seemed unfazed. Remy wasn’t doing so well.

He was slumped back against the stove with a face as pale as a sheet of paper, one hand clutching his chest while the other clutched his right arm.

“L-Logan…which a-arm is it that h-hurts when you are h-having a heart attack?” he asked faintly.

“Erm…the left, I think.” Logan mumbled, still looking at Jinx with widened eyes. Remy nodded appreciatively.

“Oh, good.” He muttered still holding his right arm. “Dat just means it’s a cataleptic seizure.”

And with that his eyes rolled up in his head and he crumpled to the ground in a dead faint.

“Is he-” Windvuur started hesitantly.

“Nah, Jinx jus’ freaked ‘im out.” Logan muttered, edging closer to the laughing Jinx as he did. “Speakin’ a which…” he suddenly lunged forwards and grabbed one of Jinx’s arms, seeming to snap her out of her reverie. She stared at him for a full twenty seconds before screaming at the top of her lungs and wrenching her arm from his grip.

“YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, COPPER!” She shrieked, then running out of the kitchen.

“JINX GET BACK HERE!” Logan yelled, running after her. Windvuur hesitated in the kitchen, and then shook his head with a sigh.

“I knew I should have called before I came over.” He muttered, before running after the two of them.

They chased Jinx all through the mansion, trying, but not succeeding, to get her to not break the clay busts on the table and not wreck the paintings and not accidentally crash into the TV in the rec room and not accidentally knock Bobby out cold and not steal the Professor’s extra wheelchair and ride it down the stairs and not accidentally knock Kurt out of a window (that one is best left unexplained) and not join the spider revolution and not throw herself through anymore windows. Finally Logan managed to catch onto one of her arms as the ran across a hallway, and they both fell down to the floor just as Windvuur caught up to them, panting because he had just been in a steamy make-out session with Ororo…erm…I mean, because he had been running around trying to get to Jinx.

“Lemme go! Lemme go!” she howled as Logan kept a good grip on her arm.

“No! You listen to me, and you listen to me good, gal.” he growled. Jinx sneered at him and put her free arm across her chest in an indignant gesture.

“Sie können mich, Diktator nicht kontrollieren!” she said with her nose high in the air (translation at end of story.). Kurt, who had just limped to the scene followed by Jenny, nearly choked and had to put a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.

“What did you just say?” Logan growled dangerously, glaring a deadly way at her.

“I didn’t say nothin’. Leggo.” Jinx snarled.

“Jinx! What is the meaning of this?” the Professor cried as he rolled up to the scene with Ororo following. Kurt, Jenny, Windvuur, Logan, and Jinx all looked up at him. Windvuur smiled at Ororo but she just shrugged and made a hand gesture meaning “eh…it was okay.” He pouted and crossed his arms in frustration.

“It was Logan!”

“Jinx…”

“Erm…it was Kurt!”

“No it vasn’t! You pushed me out of a vindow!”

“Ach, dankt viel blauer Junge!”

“AND STOPPING USING MY GERMAN!”

“Jinx…” the professor sighed.

“Eh…sorry? I don’t speak teacher.” Jinx said apologetically as Logan let go of her arm and she got up, dusting off her combat boots. Xavier sighed yet again, but spoke in an unwavering voice.

“Fine, I will talk in a way you can understand. Ororo…get me my hat.”

Ororo got Xavier his hat; a baseball cap saying “I keep it REAL” He put it on, the bill facing backwards, before he spoke again.

“Yo, dawg, this be Xavier in the his-house! Yo yo yo my J-to-the-Inx, what be up my homey-G slice o’ turkey?” he said, crossing his hands in front of himself and pouting his lips very gangster-like. Jinx just stared at him with wide eyes while Ororo pretended she had a microphone and was making those “poof poof POOF!” sounds into it like she was a rapper.

“This is what’s gonna go down, ya dig? You is gonna be cleanin’ up this mess of the west and I is gonna be supervisin’, ya hear? And if ya don’t I’m just gonna have to pop a cap in yo’ ass, got it?”

Jinx nodded slowly with still wide eyes as everyone but Ororo looked at the Professor like he was crazy.

“Good, now get to it homey-G ‘fore I go gangsta on yo’ behind.” He said.

“Uh…kay.” Jinx muttered, walking away and towards the kitchen to get cleaning supplies. She walked in as Remy started waking up. Upon seeing her approach him he screamed like a girl and scrambled to his feet, then making a mad dash for freedom out of the kitchen door. In the hallway, everyone turned to face the professor.

“What? Outta my way, fools!” he said gruffly, rolling past them with Ororo doing freestyle right behind him.

“Um…maybe someone should switch the Professor to decaf.” Jenny said uncertainly.

“Maybe someone should switch him from ze Institute to a clinic.” Kurt added, scratching his head.

“Yea…before I end up in one, I’m going to go.” Windvuur said in a daze, walking away. Logan sighed.

“New rule. From now on NO ONE here is allowed to have coffee. EVER.” He muttered, turning around and walking right into Scott.

“Hey, Logan, wanna discuss the price for my bike?” Scott asked as they both walked away from Jenny and Kurt.

“Gimme Jean and I’ll call it a deal.”

“I dunno…”

“I’ll throw in twenty bucks.”

“Deal!”

And they walked down the hallway, discussing how they were going to make the trade without having a certain psychic throw them through a wall…which wasn’t going to happen because we all know that Jean would take any one of them anyways.

The End

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NO, I was not high or anything when I wrote this. Just getting over a sugar rush, is all, lol. Thanks and disclaimers:

The bad sex-ed video comment from Jinx: Originally said by Kitty in an Ultimate X-Men. Oh come on, how could I leave that out?

OMG, you killed Kenny!: Need I really explain that one?

Windvuur: as said before, my friend William created him. I apologize if you found the Ororo thing offensive, Wind. XD!

Sie können mich, Diktator nicht kontrollieren!: You can not control me, dictator! (idea somewhat from a “Calvin and Hobbes” comic I like)

Ach, dankt viel blauer Junge!: Oh, thanks a lot blue boy! (I know the translations aren’t completely accurate. Blame , not me.

Jack Sparrow: Sighs, sniffles, scuffles toe of combat boot as she looks down sadly. Nope…don’t own him… “cries”

Yea? Well it might interest you to know that you’re dealing with a godless heathen!: A line from "Malcom in the Middle" I always liked.

Well, that’s all! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it! Please review!