All But Shattered

By: Dakoyone

A Rurouni Kenshin Fanfiction

Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and all of its loveable characters do not belong to me…sadly. I'm still trying to get over it myself.

Author's Note: I've only watched the series and the OVAs. I've never seen the manga before less have the opportunity to touch it. I am trying to save money for it, but I'm also trying to save money for this trip to Australia also. Plus, my father's anti-anime, so I probably won't have much of a chance of getting it in the first place. sigh Ah well, life moves on. If there is anything I need to know concerning the manga that was not in the OVAs or the series, please feel free to tell me. Ooh, also, if anyone has any information at all concerning Japanese culture, please share. All useful information on the internet seems to be evading me.

This is rated PG-13 for disturbing images. However, you might not think that the images portrayed here are disturbing. I'm just trying to be safe.

Would anyone like to beta-read? Just asking…I'm new here. eyes dart from side to side…(scurrying away I go)

If you have Samurai X: the movie soundtrack, this story will go well with track fifteen, "In Memories: 'Ko-To-Wa-Ri'". So, if you get the opportunity, I recommend reading this and having this track on repeat at the same time.

Ok, for real this time…

At times, I find myself wondering why I exist. Do I exist merely for heaven's amusement? Do they watch me with their immortal lives and laugh when I become tossed around from one emotion to another, like passing a ball around without it touching the ground?

Giving up? Oh, how those words fill my ears. I sometimes do long to lie down and die, to care no more for the troubles of this world. I cannot count the number of times I have drawn my sword, if one could call it a sword, and stare at its reverse-blade. How would it be like to die by this sword? After all the suffering I have endured, will I feel the pain of the blade being drawn across my flesh? Will I bleed when I have already shed so much blood?

I sit now, staring up at the sky, wondering these things. Two years have passed since I left the battlefield. Two years since I have received this sword. Two years…since that fateful day—the day…that day—I couldn't…I can't breathe. My hands grip my sakabatou tightly as they begin to tremble…tremble as they did—before. Tomoe…To—moe. My pale, trembling hand reaches up and wipes away a stray tear from my eye. I stare at my hand…at the crimson stain now smeared on it. I am crying blood. Again, it is blood. Why must it always be blood? BLOOD!

Before my mind could decipher my movements, my hands had drawn my sword with my accursed god-like speed. My cry split the air…my cry, ever filled with pain and torment, from this torn body of mine. My hands turn the blade to face me and prepare to plunge it into my wretched heart.

Memories pass before my eyes, memories of my years with Shishou, of my time with Ishin-shishi, of my fleeting moments with…Tomoe. Tomoe, my sheath…my love. Her face smiles at me in my mind. I will protect you. She had nodded happily then…hopefully. Hope…a hope that died. The blood spilling from my left cheek. Blood. The blood flowing from my shoulder and my back. BLOOD. The sound of ripping flesh and breaking bone. Tomoe. The warm fluid spilling onto my face and clothes. Blood. A red blanket freezing in the snow. BLOOD! No! Tomoe!

Kenshin.

No, I do not wish to see.

Kenshin.

Do not let me see her die again.

Kenshin.

I do not want…I cannot…

Kenshin.

No more blood! Please…just…leave me…

Kenshin.

She stands in front of me, her hands folded before her. She looks at me, and a single tear slides down her cheek. Her kimono is perfect…clean. There is no trace of blood anywhere. Her shawl flutters in the cold breeze. The snow, raining gently from the heavens, gives her appearance an unearthly glow. She smiles at me lovingly.

Live, Kenshin. Live for me.

My eyes shoot open, and my hands jerk the sakabatou upward, forcing it off course. I feel the cold air bite my skin as my gi procures a small tear above my shoulder. The edge of the sword embeds itself into the tree behind me. My hands cleave onto the hilt, and it is painful trying to pry them off the leather grip. I sink to one knee and breathe heavily, my breaths forming mists in the air. It had snowed. I furrow my brows, confused. How could it have snowed in that brief moment? Oh, the snow…so much of my life revolves around its deceitful purity. My leave-taking from the mountain. The colder nights in the alleys, lying in wait for the target who remains oblivious of me, Hitokiri Battousai. The night I said I would protect her…I promised—to protect her. The day—that day…when her blood spilled onto the horrid snow, freezing the image into my memory.

Why was it her? Why did the heavens keep me alive? I was the one who committed the worst of wrongs. She had done nothing. Why am I still here? Or is it that the heavens wish for me to suffer for all of my sins? Tomoe. To—moe. My tears run hot down my sickly pale cheeks. My tears of blood. Ack! Blood again! This is my curse! How I wish to die! Just let me give up! Just let me fall on my sword! Please, I beg you, high heavens, no more blood! No more pain! No more torment! No more…no more rain of blood!

A scent…a familiar scent reaches my nose. White plum. But how…I look up slowly and see a bough of white plum flowers in my mind. The vision disappears, and my eyes register the sight of a bough of white plum blossoms lying in the snow.

Tentatively, I reach out and pick them up, cradling them in my calloused hands. Tomoe…I stare at the blossoms, so white, so pure.

"I will live."

I say it with a determination I never knew was within me. I could see her truly smile now, an image brighter than the brightest star. A fire had ignited, and the swordsman spirit is lit in my eyes. I will live. I turn to retrieve the sakabatou, and it sings as it is slipped into the metal sheath. I stare at them, my sword and the bough of blossoms. She smiles because I live.

I wonder now how it would be like if I live. Maybe I'll find something…something bright and good. Maybe I'll hear Shishou call me his "baka deshi" again…someday. Maybe I'll see myself accepted not as some demon of the past but as a man trying to protect every life that crosses his path. No matter…so long as, by this symbolic tool I carry, I am able to light many more smiles in this world…even if it is merely one smile…even if it is only a faint smile…that's enough for me.

Owari

Sakabatou—Kenshin's reverse-bladed sword, which he uses to protect people. Warning: Not recommended for killing usages.

Shishou—master…in this case, Hiko Seijuurou

Ishin-shishi—the side during the Bakumatsu whose ideals were to fight in order to bring about a new era. Also the side Kenshin was on when he was involved. An active leader of this

Gi- the…(waving hands around frantically) the shirt? Or…ano…(getting Japanese dictionary) hmm…funny, it's not there. Eheheheh…um, all I can say is that it's that…that shirt? (sweat drop) Ah well, if you have any other definitions, please let me know.

Hitokiri Battousai—you've got to be kidding me. Ah well, for those who truly are ignorant, Hitokiri is translated as 'manslayer', and Battousai is 'talented man of sword-drawing technique' or in plain terms 'man with kick-ass sword drawing technique'. (That's pretty long for three syllables.)

Baka deshi—in the OVA, it was translated as 'idiot apprentice'

Just a side note…I don't think plum blossoms would bloom in a snowy climate. In the text, I was trying to have my story run semi-parallel to that one section in the OVA where… (SPOILER! You have been forewarned!)… Kiyosato leaves that one blossom on the ground in the shrine for Tomoe. Oh, and I realize that the 'smile' reference doesn't appear until the Jinchuu Arc in the OVA. I was thinking that over, and I came up with the idea that this 'live to protect the smiles of the world" theme could be reoccurring throughout the entire storyline in general. Because Kenshin, like the rest of us, is still human, and he may have those moments where he suddenly forgets why he is wandering. Therefore, he constantly needs Tomoe's smile to light his way. Ta-da!

If you have any thoughts on this, or if you're just downright confused about this viewpoint, feel free to approach me. I don't bite…I promise.

Ano…would…if it's not too much trouble, would anyone like to beta-read?