|The Elf Who Killed Santa
Author: urbanlegends PM
An elf doesn't get what he wants so he plots to kill SantaRated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Horror - Words: 1,697 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 01-30-05 - id: 2242510
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Elf who killed Santa.
By: Preston DeBoer
Hi. I am Elfindorin Santagrogger. You can either call me that or E.S. or you can just call me Elf. Now I know that you think all Elves have pointy hats and sing songs all day. The truth is, we don't sing songs too often and we don't wear pointy hats. We like to keep up with the trends. I mean if we were still giving out choo choo trains instead of cool jeans and video games we would go out of business. That however, has nothing to do with this story. I, Elfindorin Santagrogger, am at the candy cane institute for troubled elves, or CCITE. You probably want to know what I did to get in this horrible, high in fructose, place. Well, if I told you that we wouldn't have a story to tell now, would we.
It all started one day. I believe it was Wednesday but I'm not so sure. We were in the hip class, that is where we learn what just went out of style and what just stepped right on in. Santa came in and said that this year every elf was to receive one gift from him. He said that since he was the biggest elf that he would make each and every gift with his own two hands. Santa continued to say that it could be anything that our hearts desired. Being the good little elf I was I immediately tried to think of something I could get that could be enjoyed by every elf.
When the day came to announce what we wanted we were told to write it on a piece of paper and drop it in a blue and red collectors box. Now when I found out that no one else was getting something everyone could enjoy, I got something I wanted for myself. Do you wanna know what I wanted and didn't get. I wanted a little puppy to call my own.
On the day that we were supposed to get our presents, everyone got up early except for sleepy who just joined the elves and left the seven dwarves. He had an excuse, but even he got his gift. Two hours later everyone was playing with there new toys except for me. So, that day I went to Santa's office. When I knocked, Mrs. Clause opened the door.
" Hey, Elfindorin. How are you doing my sweetheart?" Mrs. Clause is the most sweetest thing in the whole wide world. So if you were wondering why she greeted me the way she did. I just told you why.
" Mrs. Claus, I was wondering where my present is. I didn't get one at the ceremony and I have been the most wonderfully good little elf. All I wanted was a little puppy of my own," I was crying by this point and Mrs. Claus showed me into Santa's office.
" Why are you crying Elfindorin?" Now as Santa has so many kids to worry about he doesn't always remember every elf. I am however, his second to most favorite. I bring him lunch and say hello throughout the day and every Christmas I bring him a plate of cookies and milk. His first favorite elf is Elfrona Santahara. I don't know why, but oh well.
" Santa, you forgot my gift. I know I wasn't bad so tell me why I didn't get my puppy." I yelled a little but I had a right to, didn't I?
" Calm down. I can't give you a puppy because you wouldn't take care of him. You have no time with having to work at the workshop all year."
" Santa. That is so unfair and you will be sorry. I promise you that." I usually am not so angry and mean but I wanted this puppy real bad and I was sad.
" Elfindorin! How dare you threaten me. You can have anything other than a pet." Santa's belly was shaking like a rattle in a babies hand.
" Santa. All I want is a puppy! If you won't give one to me I will get back at you. Now good day!" I ran out of Santa's office and to my room and immediately tore down anything that had to do with Santa including my masters degree in toy making. This had his signature. After that I began to understand why that elf, from the Rudolph movie, wanted to be a dentist. Then I began to think of ways to get even with Santa.
My first idea was to make sure that Santa ate so much food that he would not be able to fit down a chimney, no matter how much he tried to shrink. That had one thing that bothered me. The kids would not have any presents. The whole world shouldn't suffer just because I couldn't have the present I wanted.
The second idea was to kidnap Mrs. Claus but she was too sweet to kidnap. I couldn't do that to her just because her husband was a shmuck!
My third idea was the best. I would kill the real Santa and then take Santa's place and give all the little elves and the children puppies. Yes, that would work so then I started to devise this plan on how to kill Santa.
When I finished and had come up with a plan, I went to Santa's office to pretend to apologize. That was just my cover.
" Santa, I want to apologize for the way I acted. I was completely out of elf line." How I hated lying to Santa. Mrs. Claus always said lying was the worst thing you could do to a person. Then again, Santa was a shmuck, not a person.
" Well, thank you Elfindorin. That shows me how mature you are. That shows Santa how grown up you have become. You need to run along now because I have a lot of work to do before the big day and you have to go back to making toys. So good luck." Santa walked me out of his office and went back to work.
I said goodnight to Mrs. Claus and then went to my room and got the sharp candy cane stick so I could do my evil doing that evening.
The Elf who killed Santa
By: Preston DeBoer
That night Santa went upstairs to find that all his nice soft pillows were shredded and that I wasn't so sorry after all.
" Elfindorin! What is the meaning of this?" Santa was terrified. Then again who wouldn't be?
" Shut up you fatso! It's time for you to go sleep with the highly sweet in fructose fishes." I was shaking with rage. " Any last words you overly happy freak?"
" Please Elfindorin. There is no reason you need to do this. All this is over a puppy?"
" He wasn't just a puppy. He was my puppy! Goodbye Santa." I wiped the tears from my face and ran at Santa and plunged the candy cane in to his chest. Not to Elfindorin's surprise, liquid sugar came pouring out of Santa's now open chest.
I pulled Santa to my red convertible and drove him to sugarplum lake and dumped him. I, myself, had to cry just a little considering I just murdered every child's favorite old person.
When I got back I went to sleep only to wake up a few hours later with Mrs. Claus crying all over me.
" Elfindorin! He's dead! My husband, Santa is dead!" Mrs. Claus started to sob all over again.
" What happened? He looked happy when I apologized earlier today." I was trying to keep my cool. It had only been a couple hours since I had dumped him. He couldn't be found already.
" He was found being tossed in the air by a whale. His leg was missing when they found him." Mrs. C had calmed down a little but was still crying kinda bad.
" You are kidding, right?"
" Do I look or sound like I'm kidding?" What a smart ass. I guess I should cut her a little slack since I just murdered her husband.
" No! It's just a figure of speech. Are you all right?" God that was a stupid question!
" Quit asking stupid questions! Of course I'm not all right. They found your name tag on him when they finally got him from that whale!" Now she was back to sobbing her brains out.
" Oh. He took it to fix it. Oh, this is all my fault." That was the underestimation of a lifetime. It was also the underestimation from hell.
" It's not your fault Elfindorin. He was always doing nice things for people. It just happened to be that you were the one he was doing it for".
" Did they catch the whale that evidently killed him?" Thank god that whale was sighted throwing him in the air.
" No. I just don't get how the whale got ahold of him. It makes no sense." Mrs. Claus whimpered.
" Well, I think we should all get some sleep. Do you agree?"
" Yes. Perhaps your right. Goodnight then Elfindorin."
" Goodnight Mrs. clause."
In the morning, Elfindorin was beaten awake.
" Elfindorin! How could you? Why would you kill him? If this is over that puppy so help me! Why?" Mrs. Claus was screaming at Elfindorin.
" He deserved what he got! He was a selfish shmuck."
" How was he selfish? He gave and gave and gave to little boys and girls all over the world. The elf police are here and they are ready to arrest you. I wish you the best."
So now I'm here. I'm at the CCITE. Let me let everyone know that Santa was replaced and now the replacement is working full time. I am here to say that you should not kill Santa just because you didn't get what you asked for. He might have a good reason.