NOTE: I(HVK) did not write this. Some other guy did. So, remember, any praise and/or flames go to him. Remember! Me not fault bad fic!

“Now?” asked Carbos.
“Wait for it,” said Shank. ”Now!”
They drew their weapons and everyone in the Helm and Cloak froze.

Elsewhere, a thief and bard were riding their horses to their intended destination then Joenai, the thief, spoke up. “Do you know what they call cured beef in Waterdeep?” she asked. “No, what?” replied Joh, the bard. “Jerky! Can you believe that? Those nobles name things some weird ways, huh?” “Whatever, now shut up, we’re here.” They stopped outside of the home of their boss’ latest enemy. “What did this one do?” asked Joenai. “Slept with the boss’ wife,” replied Joh. Joh signaled to Joenai and she kicked the door down. They ran in, weapons drawn. Their target wasn’t there. Instead, four unarmed strangers were there in his place. “Freeze! Where’s Tazok?” yelled Joh. “We don’t know,” all four said in unison. From out of the hall, a fifth stranger ran towards the window to call the Flaming Fist. His head was pinned to the wall by Joenai’s arrow. “You killed him!” yelled Joh, horrified. “What did he do?” “He was gonna call the FF,” she replied. “Let’s get outta here before they come to investigate the screams,” said Joh They did just that.

Jothor, the widely renowned fighter, was a dead man. He had angered Feldepost, the most powerful man in Beregost. He was told to throw a fight against his biggest rival, and won. He was a dead man. He finished packing and left his home of twenty years. He was nearing Nashkel when he remembered his father’s amulet. His father was a powerful mage, captured by orcs and died a prisoner. An adventurer found what was left, the amulet of metaspell influence. While of no use to him, Jothor treasured it when the adventurer found him and handed it over. When he got back to Beregost, Feldepost’s men were everywhere. The amulet was in his room at Feldepost’s inn. Jothor was able to get into his room to find the amulet gone. He knew who had it. Feldepost. He ran downstairs to find Feldepost waiting. They knew what needed to be done. They fought for several long hours, punching out other people occasionally, including a bard and thief. An explosion interrupted the fight long enough for Jothor to steal the amulet from Feldepost’s pocket and escape. He got to Nashkel before remembering he lost that fight the other day. Feldepost had polished his amulet and was trying to return it, apparently.
“Oops.”

Josyr tended to not listen, and this time it cost him. Thalyntyr told him not to equip both the horn and claw of Kazgaroth, the infamous beast and did so anyway. Now Kazgaroth was after him. He was also out of spells.
He ran through Beregost and dived into a building to find a body pinned to the wall by an arrow.
“What the..” murmured Josyr.
Kazgaroth then crashed through the wall. Josyr was trapped. He then remembered his spare scroll of fireball. He cast it as fast as he could. The whole building exploded in a shower of blistering flame. Then, Josyr stood up to find Thalyntyr where Kazgaroth was.
“Thalyntyr?” inquired Josyr.
“Correct, you idiot.” replied Thalyntyr
Josyr growled in anger, though not audibly. “Where’s Kazgaroth?”
“You’re looking at him.”
“What?”
“You didn’t listen, so an illusion spell was used to make me look like Kazgaroth. I then used dimension door to get to you.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Which is why you are not allowed to use those items,” said Thalyntyr taking the Kazgaroth parts.
“Dang it.”

Jonal and Jolind, a druid and cleric respectively, were headed to a zombie- infested farmhouse to eliminate said zombies. “Hey, Jonal,” said Jolind. “What?” replied Jonal “Do zombies have feelings? “Of course not.” “If you say so.” “Why?” “Ohgma doesn’t allow the needless harming of things that feel.” “Needless? They’re menacing a farmer!” “He said nothing of menacing.” “You’re right. But it’s against all laws of nature.” “True. But what their souls are still there? “Then they should be released.” “You have a point. Well, it’s go time.” They proceeded in destroying all of the zombies. They had no doubts that their actions were noble. That conversation was just what was needed, seeing as how, as they learned later, that the farmer was an evil mage who just made some villagers look like zombies. He was never seen again by the nice ladies that were in his employ, sort of.

Josef had had as much as he was going to take. After killing many an evil minion, this was one tired paladin. The evil mage he was chasing had escaped. This mage was known for making villagers look like monsters and hiring good people to eliminate them. Josef was beginning to question his choices in life. Why was he a paladin? His father was killed by bandits, so he decided to fight evil. Was that enough of a reason? He didn’t know. It bothered him to no end. He remembered then that paladins don’t question their intentions and he went home.

Jonan the Barbarian, a ranger named for how he treats orcs, was walking about the forest when a beautiful nymph on a horse appeared before him. She then dismounted and said, “Take what you want.” Jonan, being well versed in engineering, made a quick, yet well thought out, decision. When at the pub telling other engineers this story and how fast his new horse can run, he’s told he made the right choice. They said the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit him anyway.

“Now,” said Shank. They drew their weapons and everyone in the Helm and Cloak froze. Then, an arrow knocked Carbos’ crossbow out of his hand as a crossbow bolt did the same to Shank. A bard and thief stepped out of the shadows. They were on vacation in Baldur’s Gate. Then, both Carbos and Shank were rushed by a fighter, in hiding for the past month, and a ranger, who was well versed in engineering. Before they could get up, a mage cast stinking cloud on them, knocking them out. The mage was trying to earn the pieces of Kazgaroth, an exercise in futility, mind you. As congratulations were being passed around, an evil mage came out of the shadows and blasted everyone with magic missile. Then, a druid and cleric of Ohgma came through the door and knocked him down with magic stone. To make matters worse for the evil mage, in bursts a paladin who immediately recognized him as his target. The paladin quickly beheaded him. The group then shared a round of ale and lived happily ever after.

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This was inspired by the Quentin Tarantino movie, Pulp Fiction, an engineer joke I once heard, and the characters I’ve made playing Baldur’s Gate. Thank you for reading this.