DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. This is a blatant and closely structured parody of the incredibly great and hilarious one-act play “Sure Thing” by David Ives. I highly recommend everyone read it, it can be found for purchase here in the anthology of plays called All in the Timing by the same author. The lines “sure thing,” “waiter,” and “all in the timing” come from his original source.

Author notes: This idea came to me before rehearsals as I was recalling the dark T/Hr fic I imagined writing months ago. Hopefully it’ll be enjoyable to both those familiar with the great David Ives’ work and those who aren’t. Time-continuum errors would most definitely ensure from using the Time-Turner like this. Caution: apply it only in humor fics to hopefully be overlooked.

A Sure Thing It’s All In The Timing:

A Harry Potter Parody of David Ives' play "Sure Thing"

(Hermione is sitting at a cafe reading with an empty chair opposite her when Tom enters. Both are wearing new Time-Turners hung around their necks.)

Tom: Pardon me, is this seat taken?

Hermione: Pardon?

Tom: Is the seat taken?

Hermione: Yes, it is.

Tom: Oh. Sorry.

Hermione: Sure thing.

(The Time-Turners spin back swiftly)

Tom: Pardon me, is this seat taken?

Hermione: It isn’t, but someone is expected pretty soon.

Tom: May I sit here until they arrive?

Hermione: He is very late already…

Tom: I traveled through time to make it here.

Hermione: Good try.

Tom: Sure thing.

(Time-Turner)

Is anyone sitting here?

Hermione: No.

Tom: May I?

Hermione: No.

Tom: Oh.

(Time-Turner)

Is anyone sitting here?

Hermione: No it’s free.

Tom: May I?

Hermione: Go ahead.

Tom: Many thanks. (He sits. She continues reading) There didn’t seem to be another seat open.

Hermione: Mm-hm.

Tom: Canon needs more places for people to hang out.

Hermione: Mm-hm.

Tom: What is it you’re reading?

Hermione: I really just want to act like a dull bookworm if you don’t mind.

Tom: No. Sure thing.

(Time-Turner)

Tom: There didn’t seem to be another seat open.

Hermione: Mm-hm.

Tom: It’s a nice place for reading.

Hermione: I think so, yes.

Tom: What book is that?

Hermione: Hogwarts: A History.

Tom: Oh, good, I was afraid it’d be something by a Muggle.

(Time-Turner)

What book is that?

Hermione: Hogwarts: A History.

Tom: Ah, that textbook.

Hermione: You’ve read it?

Tom: Not… actually. This Mudblood I eviscerated once had it on hand, though. It’s supposed to be great.

Hermione: Waiter?

(Time-Turner)

Tom: What book is that?

Hermione: Hogwarts: A History.

Tom: Ah, that textbook.

Hermione: You’ve read it?

Tom: I’m a Prefects Who Gained Power fan, myself.

(Time-Turner)

Hermione: You’ve read it?

Tom: Yes, before I went to school.

Hermione: Where was before school?

Tom: A decrepit orphanage. I’m very scarred. Hold me?

(Time-Turner)

Hermione: Where was before school?

Tom: An orphanage. I don’t much like to think on it since I murdered my father to make me an orphan like the main character and my grandparents to show I’m evil.

(Time-Turner)

Hermione: Where was before school?

Tom: I prefer to focus on my years from Hogwarts on.

Hermione: Oh I’m attending Hogwarts as well! Do you enjoy Hogwarts: A History?

Tom: I love it. It’s incredible. I once spent an entire winter just reading all the different editions.

Hermione: I just read this one.

Tom: After I started I couldn’t wait to read them all. A truly great work that transcends all other history texts. What it took for those four to build that school. And the expression and language was incredible. It really speaks about time and the human experience profoundly. Are you enjoying it?

Hermione: It’s no Bridget Jones’ Diary.

(Time-Turner)

Tom: What book is that?

Hermione: Hogwarts: A History.

Tom: Oh, that textbook!

Hermione: Did you enjoy it?

Tom: I love it.

Hermione: It’s incredible.

Tom: I once spent an entire winter just reading all the different editions.

Hermione: After I started I couldn’t wait to read it all.

Tom: A truly great work that transcends all other history texts.

Hermione: And the expression and language was incredible.

Tom: It really speaks about time -

Hermione: - and human existence. It’s so profound. I can’t believe I haven’t read the other editions before.

Tom: You might not’ve liked them before. Not been ready. These things have to hit you at the right moment. Or else, doesn’t work.

Hermione: I can relate to that.

Tom: It’s all in the timing. I’m Tom.

Hermione: Hermione.

Tom: Hi.

Hermione: Hi.

(small pause)

Tom: Yes, reading textbooks is… a good time.

Hermione: It really is.

(small pause.)

Tom: Hogwarts: A History.

(Another small pause.)

Hermione: Well. Back to it. (She goes back to her book.)

Tom: Waiter?

(Time-Turner)

Tom: It’s all in the timing. I’m Tom.

Hermione: Hermione.

Tom: Hi.

Hermione: Hi.

Tom: Come here often?

Hermione: Actually I’m just in town for a few days before transferring to be an American exchange student.

Tom: Ah.

(Time-Turner)

I’m Tom.

Hermione: Hermione.

Tom: Hi.

Hermione: Hi.

Tom: Come here often?

Hermione: Why do you ask?

Tom: I’m simply interested.

Hermione: Are you really interested, or do you just want to shag me?

Tom: … really interested?

Hermione: Why would you be interested?

Tom: Just to get to know you.

Hermione: Or you’re just trying to be slick enough to make some small talk until you feel it’s time to ask me back to your flat to listen to you play an instrument you’re also naturally a genius at, or show me a fancy advanced spell no one's heard of, or because you secretly learned how to cook like a master chef and plan to wine and dine me, but all you really want to do is shag-which despite what everyone thinks you won’t do very well since you’ll end up being severely disturbed and affection starved as a child – after which you’ll cry and want to cuddle for hours, then go plan some secret meeting to betray someone I love without even telling me anything, and then you’ll come lie back down and tell me you’ve already shagged most of Hogwarts past and present, but all of them are either at Mungo’s, traitors or murdered save one of my best mates who you can’t kill and my Headmaster who you have a sick obsession with – both respect and hate – which you’ll cover no doubt by just calling it a very “complicated” relationship for the past seventy YEARS. You aren’t fooling me, mister!

(Time-Turner)

Tom: Come here often?

Hermione: All the time.

Tom: Me, too, though I don’t remember seeing you before.

Hermione: Schedules must be different.

Tom: Faulty Turners.

Hermione: Different time periods.

Tom: Remarkable how you can have gone to school in the same area as someone else fifty years ago and not easily run into them until you’re their best friend’s arch nemesis.

Hermione: I know.

Tom: Magic life.

Hermione: Zany.

Tom: You probably pass trophies of mine all the time that you covet.

Hermione: …or that my friends dust…

Tom: (looks around): The waiters don’t seem to be that impressed with me… Waiter! (He looks back) As I was saying- (He sees that she’s gone back to her book.)

Hermione: Hm?

Tom: Forget it.

(Time-Turner)

Hermione: Schedules must be different.

Tom: Faulty Turners.

Hermione: Different time periods.

Tom: Remarkable how you can have gone to school in the same area as someone else fifty years ago and not easily run into them until you’re their best friend’s arch nemesis.

Hermione: I know.

Tom: Magic life.

Hermione: Zany.

Tom: When I came in were you really waiting for someone? A boyfriend?

Hermione: It’s complicated.

Tom: How is it complicated?

Hermione: I’m part of the OBHWF.

Tom: Enough said.

(Time-Turner)

Tom: When I came in were you really waiting for someone? A boyfriend?

Hermione: It’s complicated.

Tom: How is it complicated?

Hermione: He’s one of my professors.

Tom: Not the Potions Master?

(Time-Turner)

Tom: How is it complicated?

Hermione: She’s my lover. Here’s Pansy now! (waves)

(Time-Turner)

Tom: When I came in were you really waiting for someone? A boyfriend?

Hermione: Just my book.

Tom: Going out just to read alone on a weekend night is rather sad, isn’t it?

Hermione: That what you think?

Tom: Well, it is for girls. Why don’t you make yourself look like you do in the movies?

Hermione: So I can inspire homely people. And avoid bad come-ons.

(Time-Turner)

Tom: When I came in, were you really waiting for someone? A boyfriend?

Hermione: Just my book.

Tom: Going out just to read alone on a weekend night is rather sad, isn’t it?

Hermione: It is. But I just ended a possible relationship with a famous Quidditch player who I still write to at times to keep other tensions going so shipping wars don’t end.

Tom: I see. (small pause) Well listen, since he’s not good looking in the next movie, want to go somewhere else?

Hermione: No thanks.

Tom: Have a threesome?

Hermione: I’ll pass. But thanks for the invite.

Tom: Sure thing.

(Time-Turner)

Tom: When I came in, were you really waiting for someone? A boyfriend?

Hermione: Just my book.

Tom: Going out just to read alone on a weekend night is rather sad, isn’t it?

Hermione: I think it’s sort of romantic. In an existentialist, pretentious way.

Tom: That’s really a French thing. Want to Apparate there?

Hermione: I haven’t taken my Apparation test yet.

Tom: Damn, neither have I.

Hermione: I was thinking of taking a port key to the Restricted Section at a library in a little bit, if you want to come and avoid the terrified looks from the waiters.

Tom: It’s nice of you to ask…

Hermione: Girlfriend?

Tom: Two, really. One of them’s an animagus. That Minnie…

(Time-Turner)

Hermione: Girlfriend?

Tom: Just my lover. I can’t get enough of that scar!

(Time-Turner)

Hermione: Girlfriend?

Tom: It’s complicated.

Hermione: How is it complicated?

Tom: JKR says I never loved anyone and I’m not sure if that means I never get laid.

(Time-Turner)

It’s kind of hard to meet people I connect with.

Hermione: So you’re not talking to me to later abuse me in some twisted way to show you’re evil, or to use me for some political agenda?

Tom: I support the Death Eaters, they have no use for you.

(Time-Turner)

I support the Ministry, they have no use for you.

(Time-Turner)

Want to hear something about using people?

(Time-Turner)

I work for myself; I’m not tied to anyone’s political agenda.

Hermione: That’s a good way to be.

Tom: I mean, look at me. What does it matter if I have intimacy issues -

(Time-Turner)

Can never understand love -

(Time-Turner)

Don’t always communicate well? Or if I did kill my family -

(Time-Turner)

Practice Avada Kedavra on small animals –

(Time-Turner)

Always try my best to make sure I can to achieve my goals?

Hermione: :nods:

Tom: People should be respected. Except Muggles.

(Time-Turner)

Except House Elves.

(Time-Turner)

If they’re deserving of it.

Hermione: I agree.

Tom: So what if I resemble Hitler?

(Time-Turner)

So what if I magicked any handsomeness out of my physical features?

(Time-Turner)

So what if children keep beating my arse?

(Time-Turner)

So what if I spent most of my years studying harsh and dangerous spells? I had vision.

Hermione: Which is important.

Tom: Judging some people based on one or two things is wrong.

Hermione: I couldn’t agree more. I bet you’re a half-blood, too.

(Hella fast Time-Turning)

As I said, I’m going to the Restricted Section of a library. Coming?

Tom: It could be interesting. Which library?

Hermione: Hogwarts’.

Tom: Oh.

Hermione: Hogwarts’ library doesn’t appeal to you?

Tom: The library at Hogwarts is good, it is.

Hermione: But?

Tom: Its Dark Arts section is lacking a bit.

(Time-Turner)

Tom: I was just about to port key to the library.

Hermione: As was I.

Tom: The Restricted Section?

Hermione: At my school.

Tom: You like spending time at the Hogwarts library?

Hermione: How anyone can avoid any of its sections save Divination is beyond me.

Tom: Would you like to go, then?

(long pause)

Hermione: Do you like having all the answers?

Tom: Showing up authority figures and those from Houses I don’t like especially warm my heart. Do you think flying for fun is a waste of time?

Hermione: Yes! And you don’t enjoy subjects you don’t do well in, do you?

(pause)

Tom: I don’t consider them real subjects.

Hermione: They so are not!

Tom: And do you still want to know everything despite current sentiment that some things can hurt you?

Hermione: Of course.

Tom: And use that knowledge to help whatever cause you’re fighting for?

Hermione: Why it’s there.

Tom: It’s just a matter of people understanding.

Hermione: Reason, knowledge and application, really.

Tom: And will you admire my abilities?

Hermione: I will.

Tom: And not just look at the physical?

Hermione: Who am I to talk?

Tom: Still want to go to the Restricted Section?

Hermione: Sure thing.

Tom and Hermione (together): Waiter!

(Fin)