Author's Note:

Author: (looks off into the distance and sips green tea, pausing only to flick strands of hair out of her eyes)

Naruto: Um...

Sakura: Not recovered yet, huh?

Naruto: Not yet.

THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME

by rosesareblue

Chapter Twenty-six

"Neji's been avoiding me." Naruto told Kiba, on their way home from school. The two boys wanted to grab some burgers at a fast food joint. Chouji had initially wanted to go, but in the end he'd decided to help Shikamaru with basketball captain duties instead.

"How so?" Kiba asked, looking sideways at blonde. Did Naruto – obnoxious, loud, brash Naruto – sound just a little bit forlorn right now?

"Dunno." Naruto wrinkled his tan nose and sighed.

Kiba's eyes grew wide. "Naruto? Are ya alright?"

"No." Naruto sniffled pitifully.

"Naruto?"

"I'm hungry!" Naruto whined, leaping to catch Kiba in a bear hug and be comforted.

The blonde was served a sharp smack on the head as a growling Kiba – furious that he actually thought Naruto was depressed – huffed and moved on.

"That hurt! Kiba no baka!" Naruto glared, getting ready to tackle the other boy for the hit.

"Shut up, dobe!" Kiba taunted, egging on the soon-to-issue-wrestle.

"Get ready to eat cement, dog boy!" Naruto challenged. "I'm gonna – Neji?"

Kiba swiveled his head around to see the lean, dark haired sempai standing next to a delicate, gorgeous little girl with huge white eyes. Kiba's mouth dropped open as he stared at the girl's long white neck and her short bobbed black hair. Next to him, Naruto blinked in surprise.

"Hinata?"

Hinata flushed, delighted that Naruto-kun had remembered her name. She was glad she'd worked up the courage to ask Neji nii-san to take her to meet Naruto again after all. Usually, Hinata never asked anything of Neji nii-san because she knew that he couldn't refuse any of her requests.

"Go-good day, Na-Na-Uzumaki-kun." Hinata bowed.

"Hello!" Naruto greeted cheerfully, not noticing the other girl's embarrassment. "You know, you can really just call me Naruto."

Hinata looked at her feet, mumbling, "Na-na-"

"C'mon. C'mon." The blonde urged.

"Na-Naruto-kun!" Hinata managed, her face flaming at just having the more friendly term escape her lips.

"That's better." Naruto grinned. He jerked a thump at the blushing spiky haired brunette next to him. "Ah, this is Inuzuka Kiba. He's on the basketball team too. Kiba, this is Hyuuga Hinata. Neji's cousin."

Kiba bowed his head stiffly. Hinata hurried to reply his bow.

"Hey, hey!" Naruto started. "You two should join us for hamburgers!"

Kiba's ears perked up at the blonde words and he mentally thanked kami-sama for letting Naruto be born. And for letting a girl as cute as Hinata-san be born as well…

"Do you wanna go?" Naruto asked, his blue eyes bright at his ingenious idea. Maybe after sharing an afternoon snack, Neji would stop ignoring him at school!

Ever since he'd gone to the Hyuuga's house and the longhaired boy had suddenly disappeared – an event over a week ago – it'd been incredibly icy between the two boys. Not only had Neji not replied to all of Naruto's greetings at school, the older boy didn't even look at the blonde when they passed in the halls. The only time Neji seemed to know Naruto existed was during basketball practice – but even then the longhaired boy only acknowledged the blonde enough to pass the ball to him. Naruto knew Neji was silent by nature but not to the extent where he gave someone on the same team the silent treatment for this long…

Of course, Naruto had tried to confront the damn Hyuuga. But he seemed to disappear every time Naruto tried to corner him. Once, Naruto had thought he'd caught up with him for sure – he'd trailed the older boy to a dead end alley – but when he turned the corner – no Neji. The only place Neji could have possibly hidden was in the nearby dumpster but even Naruto didn't think the older boy would go that far too avoid him.

Hinata was drowning in thoughts of her own. She wanted to go with Naruto-kun, of course, but she'd only been allowed to be away from her advisors because she'd promised to stick close to Neji nii-san – and even then she had to promise to be back within an hour. But – this was her chance to maybe even have a conversation with Naruto-kun – ! Pushing to the back of her mind her fear of how she'd explain her delay to her advisor, Hinata nodded timidly.

"P-please."

"It's just right around the corner there and – Neji?" Naruto stopped as he realized the tall Hyuuga boy was starting to swiftly walk away.

"Wait up, Neji-baka!" Naruto started, leaping forth to grab the Hyuuga's arm.

Suddenly, the longhaired boy's feet propelled him forward at top speed – evading Naruto's grip.

"What the – Neji – !" Naruto hollered at the sparkling speck in the distance that was now Neji. "I'm not going to let you get away again!"

With that the blonde shot after the Hyuuga boy, leaving a shocked Kiba thinking that there maybe was some truth to Naruto's suspicions about Neji ignoring him and an equally shocked Hinata wondering how she'd explain this situation to her advisor.

---

Inuzuka Kiba's Guide to Having a Successful Date with a Girl:

Do not think forever about what to say and end up starting the conversation with "Hey, are your eyes really that strange color or are they contacts?" Reason: She will stutter and apologize for five minutes, thinking she offended you.

Do not tried to cover up your slip of the tongue with "Yer really shy, aren't ya?" Reason: She will stutter and apologize for an additional ten minutes for her previous stuttering and apologizing.

Do not overreact when some bakas (namely your classmates Junichiro and Taki) nearby accuse you of having a kawaii girlfriend and smack the living daylights out of them in unrestrained embarrassment. Reason: She will fuss over their (worthless) carcasses and soil her pretty hands.

Do not try to impress her by trying to buy her burger for her only to realize you don't have enough yen and was planning to borrow from Naruto and end up having her pay for everything you eat. Reason: She will giggle cutely and make you turn the color of a stop sign.

Do not try one unsuccessful conversation after another and finally end up chattering –without stop – about basketball. Reason: She will grow really quiet, probably because she's bored.

Do not answer her question of "Na-Naruto-kun is good at b-basketball?" by going on and on about all the cool moves you saw a certain dobe do. Reason: She will start to resemble a donut and become totally glazed.

Do not try to redeem your actions by saying, "But Naruto's kinda girly, isn't he?" Reason: She'll look at you with huge, white eyes that clearly say she doesn't agree with what you just said at all.

Do not try to redeem THAT by saying, "I mean, he's really cute for a boy isn't he?" and then laugh your head off in nervousness. Reason: She will blush and agree with you by saying "I think so too."

Do not hate yourself for making the girl you are trying to impress admit she finds your dobe friend attractive instead and then consuming six additional burgers to counter your stress. Reason: She will probably think you are a disgusting pig.

Do not yell out in surprise like a sissy when her bodyguards suddenly surround you and demand you to explain why you kidnapped their ojou-sama before they shoot your head off with artillery you only thought existed in science fiction movies. Reason: She will be forced to speak up, something you've noticed that she doesn't like to do, and have to defend you – thus making you not her knight-in-shining-armor but her yours.

Do not get jealous when she – before going off fearfully with her bodyguards – hands you a plastic bag filled with all sorts of burgers – that you hadn't realized she'd bought – and asking you to give it to Naruto-kun and Neji nii-san. Reason: She will think you are a mean jerk when you try to think up excuses why she doesn't have to take so much interest in Naruto-baka and her own cousin and you will end up doing what she says anyway because she's the cutest, nicest, sweetest, politest girl you have ever met and you wish she'll like you despite your being a complete baka on your first date with her.

---

Naruto tried to drill holes into a certain Hyuuga's head as he got up to bat, though it was hard to see the older boy way out in the left field (some random sempai who was the grandson of the chief director of their school had thrown a tantrum and had insisted on pitching at least for the third inning and Neji, who usually pitched, was moved to the left field). The blonde had chased Neji all over town yesterday till both had dropped flat on their backs in exhaustion. Even then, the Hyuuga boy had somehow summoned the adrenalin power to crawl away from Naruto's reach.

There could be only one conclusion: Yes, Neji was avoiding him.

"Naruto! Ball!"

The blonde dobe smacked the baseball on instinct, sending the white ball souring away and started trotting toward first base. But that wasn't the important question was it? The crucial thing wasn't: 'Was Neji ignoring him?' What was more important was: 'Why was Neji ignoring him?"

"Go to second! Go to second!"

Naruto jogged to the second base, easily evading being tagged out though deep in his thoughts. So, another question would be: 'How was Naruto going to find out what he'd done wrong?' Naruto had thought Neji had acknowledged him – especially after their most recent game when they'd shared high-fives. It meant a lot to Naruto, being acknowledged by his teammates. The blonde hated it when he was secluded so utterly – it reminded him of the orphanage.

Gah! Why the fuck was Neji acting so strangely?

…

Could it be that he no longer wanted to be friends with Naruto?

Naruto jerked his head up to look towards Neji at that thought. Simultaneously, a great 'BAM' was heard. The blonde whipped his head back and forth, seeing that their school's star homerun slugger had just hit the ball and it was flying directly at the Hyuuga – who didn't even seem to realize it was coming!

And Naruto's body reacted on instinct.

The little blonde cried out when the ball slammed off his shoulder blades with a loud CRACK. The dobe felt faint headed by the pain but the fact that he was hurt meant he'd got between the baseball and Neji in time. Naruto smiled.

"NARUTO!"

And Naruto saw Neji's pale white eyes looking into his.

"I didn't fucking need your goddamn help! Why did you – " The Hyuuga boy roared, hysteric as he saw flashes of pain cross the dobe's face.

Naruto's head buzzed. Why was Neji so loud? Stupid Hyuuga. Baka Neji. Idiot prick. But at least hippie boy was talking to him now… That was good. That meant they could still be friends…

"S-shut up." The blonde choked out, clutching his broken shoulder. "I-I just veered a l-little off course, that's all… It had nothing to do with you at all…don't be so c-conceited, Hyuuga…"

With that, Naruto closed his eyes and fell unconscious, his right arm twisted at an angle that shouldn't have been possible.

Neji's mind was white. Naruto was –

Naruto was –

"AAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhHHHHHHH!"

The pale boy held the wounded blonde in his arms and screamed out in beastly panic.

---

"Naruto."

When Neji cleared his throat, the blonde looked up from his conversation with a huge white-haired man – who Neji realized with a start was the great Jiraya-sama – and grinned cheerfully at his visitor.

"Oi! Neji!" Naruto almost picked up his right hand to wave. Jiraya stopped him, muttering, "Baka."

"Thanks so much chi chi." Naruto laughed sheepishly.

Chi chi? Neji blinked in evident surprise. The basketball legend Jiraya-sama was Naruto's father? How could that be? Then why was the dobe named Uzumaki Naruto? And why did he walk to and from school when he probably had enough yen to use as toilet paper? Why didn't he mention Jiraya at school or…?

"Didya bring me something, Neji?" Naruto called out, rescuing the Hyuuga's mind from drowning in a myriad of silent questions.

Awkwardly, Neji pushed forth a bouquet of flowers. He hadn't intended to buy flowers, but he'd forgotten to bring a gift because he was in such a hurry to arrive at the hospital as soon as Naruto was allowed to receive guests. The flower shop was right in front of the hospital and the longhaired boy had to hastily make do with this purchase.

"Charming." Jiraya snickered, making Neji's face flame. "Naruto, you have another suitor."

After Naruto laughed – at the expense of Neji's masculine pride – he hastily started to introduce Jiraya to Neji.

"Chi chi. This is – "

"Hyuuga Neji." Jiraya's smile broadened. "I know. Yes. I've seen him before in several sports magazines."

"Er, Neji. This is my father – "

"Jiraya-sama." Neji finished. "It is an honor to meet you. I've always wanted to." The Hyuuga boy bowed low.

"Well then," Naruto pouted childishly. "I'm useless, huh?"

Jiraya laughed and reached down to ruffle his son's blonde hair. "I'll go talk to Tsunade. Holler if your friend tries to molest you, Naruto. I'll come watch."

Jiraya received a hard thrown pillow to the back of the head – tossed by a swearing Naruto with his good left arm – while Neji tried to keep steam from rising from his cheeks.

After Jiraya left, an awkward silence filled the room. Naruto looked complacently cheerful, expecting Neji to say something. Neji, instead, reached for an empty flower vase on Naruto's bedside table and started filling it with water from the sink from the other side of the room from Naruto's bed.

Neji noticed that Naruto's hospital room was a wide suite, spacious and furnished with various commodities – more like a hotel room than a hospital room. Very lived in. Come to think of it, at the register table, the receptionist woman didn't even have to check the roster to inform Neji where Naruto's room was…

Careful to keep his back to the dobe while trying to think things out in his head, the Hyuuga boy said slowly, "How-how is your shoulder Naruto?"

"It's fine. The surgery went really well." Came the happy answer. "Tsunade obaa-chan says I have near miraculous healing power. I'll be back playing basketball in two weeks, possibly."

"That's good."

And more silence. Neji started to arrange the flowers in the vase.

Finally –

"Naruto. Sorry."

"For what?" was the instant reply.

Neji turned around to face the blissful blonde at that. "For – for this." Neji gestured around the hospital room. "For making you stay in the hospital."

Naruto's eyes grew wide in mild surprise.

"Eh?"

"I am really sorry." Neji jerked his head down contritely.

Silence.

Finally, Naruto laughed loudly.

"Oi, oi. Hippie boy. Why are ya sorry? Don't worry about it. I'm used to the hospital – I come here all the time so it's no big deal."

"All the time?" Neji repeated, only now looking straight into Naruto's clear blue eyes.

"Duh." Naruto went on, not noticing that Neji's face was getting stonier. "I got this little pheromone problem so I come here a lot for check ups. It's like a routine, ya know? So it really wasn't out of my way at all."

"Wasn't out of your way?"

"Tsunade obaa-chan says I was due for an extended check-up anyways. Maybe my getting hurt was just another reminder for that, ya know?" Naruto scratched his head sheepishly. "There's always something wrong with my system cos of the pheromone thing and it's really just natural that I am – "

The glass vase smashed against the sink as Neji threw it with all his might.

"BAKA!" The pale boy roared, his white eyes flashing as he whirled around to face the startled blonde again.

"What the – "

"SHUT UP DOBE!" Neji shrieked, his voice at an abnormal high pitch. "IT'S NOT NATURAL – DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY IT'S NATURAL!"

Naruto stared, wide-eyed, at the Hyuuga – who was suddenly filled with stringent, uncharacteristic emotion – standing before his bed. Neji's clutched fists were vibrating violently. A drop of blood slid down one white clenched hand – Neji must have cut it when he was throwing the glass vase.

"Neji, yer hand –"

"The hospital isn't where you belong, dobe? You get that?" Neji shouted, angry beyond reason. Angry because he knew so little about the blonde, had known nothing about his family, his illness – angry because of the complacency in Naruto's voice when he talked about the hospital – angry because Naruto really seemed strangely at home in this freaky room that reeked of chemical smells – and angry because Naruto's smile suddenly seemed like a lie.

"Don't get used to it because you are gonna get better! Your shoulder and your fucked up pheromone problem, both! So don't talk like that! Don't you goddamn talk like that, dobe!"

The winter sunlight cast into the room, ironic because it bounced off one pale, lean boy who was white hot in his rage and another tiny blonde boy – almost concealed in the folds of the big white hospital sheets. The blonde was trembling, trembling ever so slightly…

Naruto hissed, all the happiness, all the giggling optimism, gone from his voice.

"Why. Do. You. Care."

Neji's heart stopped at the cold words uttered in an even colder voice.

"Why. Do. You. Care."

---

Author's Note: There we go! Chapter twenty-six! Hope you enjoyed it . It's not going to be fun-and-games from here so… phew! I hope I can write this right. Below is a really short one-shot. Thought I owed it to people for staying in Naruto-arc for so long. Enjoy! And please, please review.

Special Edition: At the Psychiatrist (Part Two)

Psychiatrist fiddles with a pencil before turning her gaze upon a super cute blonde dobe who is sprawl out on her couch.

Psychiatrist: (pushing her horned glasses to the bride of her nose) I don't get the problem.

Naruto: (bolts up to a sitting position) What?

Psychiatrist: (honestly) I don't understand what the problem is. Really.

Naruto: I just told ya!

Psychiatrist: (shrugs helplessly)

Naruto: (fuming) Okay, I'll tell it again! Listen carefully this time! (glares menacingly and when psychiatrist nods, continues) I was just walking down the street – minding my own business – when suddenly this black blur comes out of the bushes!

Psychiatrist: And…?

Naruto: And I didn't figure out it was bastard Sasuke till I was dressed in this skimpy racing girl get-up thingy – GAH! I swear, that guy's got problems! Is it some sort of fetish or something? Why'd he do something like that?

Psychiatrist: (tries to keep a straight face) Sasuke dressed you up like a racing girl?

Naruto: (nods fervently) And then, he started getting REALLY weird cos he got this LOOK.

Psychiatrist: (curious) Look?

Naruto: It was scarier than the Sharingan, I swear. He had this – this – 'I'm gonna kill ya look!' His eyes were, like, half-closed and he had this freakish smile on his face.

Psychiatrist: Er, are you sure that it wasn't just a horny smile?

Naruto: (ignoring her) Of course, I ran the hell out of there! But Sasuke was going into black blur mode again so I panicked. Luckily, I saw Neji just then so I tried to ask him for help –

Psychiatrist: (blinks) Tried?

Naruto: (flailing his arms around) But Sasuke bastard probably put some weird jutsu on me cos Neji took one look at me and pitched over backwards – spilling tons and tons of blood!

Psychiatrist: (realizing that Naruto must still have been in racing girl getup) Let me guess, from the nose?

Naruto: (taken aback) Do you know this jutsu?

Psychiatrist: (knowingly) Yes, let's just say we psychiatrists read up on 'jutsus'.

Naruto: (gives her a strange look before continuing) And THEN while I was trying to revive Neji, I hear this husky voice behind me going "Uzumaki Naruto."

Psychiatrist: That must have been Gaara, right? He always says that.

Naruto: (doridoridori) Not like that! This time, he was like (trying to immediate Gaara and drawing out huskily) U – ZOO – MA – AH – KI NA – AH – RU – OO – TO. I got these strange shivers down my back and when I turned around he… he had the same look as Sasuke!

Psychiatrist: I see...

Naruto: Of course, Sasuke bastard had to chooses that time to catch up. I was totally cornered!

Psychiatrist: (summing it up) But since you are obviously here, they didn't kill you.

Naruto: (pauses in his hysterics) No… but… er… (blushes) They-they did ot-other s-stuff.

Psychiatrist: (suddenly more interested) Other stuff?

Naruto: (getting redder) I-I'm not telling!

Psychiatrist: Ah, c'mon. I can't 'help' you if you are 'not telling'. Was it &($#$#? Or #&$#( with #(&$(#$? Or maybe #$(&(# while (&(#&$((&? (Psychiatrist has secretly read Icha Icha many many times)

Naruto: (completely crimson) That's sick! And they only did half of that stuff, you pervert!

Psychiatrist: (ears going pi-ku) Which half?

Naruto: (howling) That's not important! What's important is that I was molested by Sasuke and Gaara – and Neji too after he woke up!

Psychiatrist: (squints) So where's the problem?

Naruto: Where's the problem? Where's the PROBLEM? I was MOLESTED by THREE guys at ONCE!

Psychiatrist: And the three guys happened to be sex-on-legs Uchiha Sasuke, too-beautiful-to-be-real Hyuuga Neji and god-of-hotness Gaara of the Sand?

Naruto: Yes!

Psychiatrist:…

Naruto: (glad that she finally seemed to understand) So what should I do? Should I –

Psychiatrist: (explodes) SO HOW IS THIS A PROBLEM?

Naruto: (dies)