Secrets

Chapter: One shot

Type: mid-slash (no sex)

Rating: PG 13

Pairing: SB/RL

Timeline: During the Marauders' second year at Hogwarts.

Summary: No one knows Remus' werewolf secret and it's hurting him to have to lie to his friends. The day before Christmas holidays, everything goes wrong and Remus decides that all this has got to end.

Beta Reader: Forsakenphoenix (I'll be forever grateful for the help )

It was late in the afternoon when the Gryffindors finally got out of Potions and they were all smiles. Not only because the course was over, but also because that course was the last one of the year. Tomorrow, all the students would take the train to go home for Christmas holidays.

Most of the students were heading back to the dormitories except four of them. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were around a table, each of them with a sponge in the hand. They were cleaning a table that was covered with potion.

"Why did you do that, Sirius?" Remus asked.

"What! Oh, come on Remus, you saw his face. I'd clean a dozen tables just to see it again," Sirius answered smiling.

"You have to admit that seeing Snape covered with potion was a good way to end the year," James added

"Oh yeah, like I have nothing better to do than cleaning tables," Remus grinned.

Half an hour later, the four boys finally headed back to the dormitories. James and Peter were talking about the holidays and Sirius was thinking of the next joke he'd do before the train left. Remus was following them, but his mind was elsewhere. Nearly all the students were going back home for the holidays, but not him. Full moon was just a couple of days ahead and his parents wanted him to stay at Hogwarts. He was not complaining. He was used to it. Last year it had been the same. He'd told Sirius and the others that his parents were abroad, visiting some old friends, and he'd said the same again.

The room was nearly empty. All the students had already packed their stuff and they were probably eating in the Great Hall. James and Peter packed as fast as they could, and joined the others downstairs. Sirius was still looking in his suitcase, searching for some firecrackers.

"What're you still doing here?" Sirius asked when he noticed that Remus was sitting on his bed, reading a book.

"Well, I've got a book in the hand, and I'm looking at it, so I assume we can call this 'reading'," Remus answered.

"Don't tell me you won't come for supper?"

"I'd rather stay here than go downstairs and get punished for things I haven't even done," Remus answered glancing at the firecrackers in Sirius' hand.

"You know, some days I really don't understand why you're a part of our group," Sirius said, getting visibly upset

"Well, there are days when I don't understand myself. Why would I want to hang around with guys like you? You're always getting me in trouble. And one day, you'll find a way to get us all expelled!" Remus angrily answered.

"Fine! That's just fine! Stay here, on your own, if that's what you want, Remus! I'll go downstairs with the others and have some fun, like a normal person!" Sirius shouted as he left the room.

Remus was still looking at his book, but he wasn't reading it anymore. Sirius' last words were repeating themselves in his head, again and again. 'A normal person'. That's someone he'll never be. He wasn't like the others and he never would. He knew that for sure.

He had lied to Sirius; he knew exactly why he was always with the three others. They were his best and only friends. And it was hurting him so much to have to lie to them. But they would never understand. They'd be like the others, they'd hate him. Despise him. And he'll soon have to leave Hogwarts. And go back home, in his dark room. Alone.

'No … This will not happen!' Remus thought. 'It has to end. … it'll end tonight.'

Remus dropped his book and left the room. He went down the stairs, and as he walked down the hallway, he heard student's voices coming out of the Great Hall. The doors were open. He quickened his pace and kept walking. 'All this has to end'.

He walked until the lake and stopped right in front of it. He doesn't know how to swim. Tears were falling from his eyes. 'All this has to end,' he thought again. 'I can't lie to them anymore.' He took one step forward. 'I'm a monster'. Another step. 'I don't deserve to be here.' He had water to his knees. 'I should have died that day.' Water to his chest now. 'I can't take this anymore'.

He took a final step and the lake's water mingled with his tears. The water was terribly cold but he hadn't even noticed. He now had water above his head. He opened his mouth, trying to breathe but there was only water. 'Never mind'. He was starting to feel the cold, and the surrounding darkness started to scare him. He wanted to move but he was so cold. His muscles were not responding anymore. Suddenly he felt pushed back. Like if something grabbed him and was taking him with it.

His back was hurting, it was scratching on something. He could feel hands pulling his arms.

He could also hear a voice. A distant voice. He couldn't understand the words but the voice sounded worried. He opened his eyes to see who it was but everything was blurry.

He blinked a few times and he finally recognized the person.

"S-sirius," he whispered, his throat hurting.

"Yeah, it's me. It's me, it's ok, you're safe now," Sirius replied, tears falling from his eyes.

"I…I'm cold Sirius. I'm so cold."

Remus started shaking, so Sirius took him in his arms. He was holding him as close as possible, trying to warm him with his body heat.

"It's ok, Remus. It's ok. I've got you. You're safe now," Sirius kept saying, still crying.

They stayed on the lake's shore a long time, waiting for Remus to have enough strength to be able to walk.

With Sirius' help, they went back to the castle. Luckily, they met no one on their way to the dormitories.

Remus took off his wet clothes and got in bed. He was still shaking.

"You sure you don't want me to get Madam Pomfrey?" Sirius asked with a lot of concern in the voice as he knelt beside Remus' bed.

"No. I'm fine, just cold," Remus answered in a shaking voice.

"Ok. If you want, I can go down and bring you back some hot food."

"No."

Remus closed his eyes. He was feeling horrible. His mind was upside down. He couldn't think properly. He knew now that he'll have to tell the truth to Sirius. And his friend will run away from him. And he'll be alone again. A silent tear fell from his eye.

"What's wrong with you?" Sirius asked. "If you had problems, you should have told us. We could have helped you. Why did you do that?"

"I'm sorry," Remus said in a low voice. "I … I couldn't do this anymore. I'm sorry."

"You couldn't do what, Remus?"

"Lie …I lied to you. Always did. I'm so sorry, you know. I didn't have the choice."

He paused and closed his eyes again.

"You lied to me about what?" Sirius asked.

"I … I can't tell you."

"I'm your friend Remus. You can tell me everything, you know that."

"I know. You're my best friend. And I don't want to lose you but I can't tell you," Remus said firmly.

"You'll lose me if you don't tell me," Sirius answered seriously.

Remus reopened his eyes and they met with Sirius', he knew Sirius wouldn't give up. The three Marauders had tried the whole year to find out his secret. And this time, a simple lie will not be enough.

"I'm a werewolf, Sirius," Remus said in a voice that wasn't more than a murmur.

"What!" Sirius asked shocked. "That's not possible, it cannot be." He was getting upset.

"It's true," his voice drifted off momentarily. "Every full moon, I leave the castle and I go to the Shrieking Shack, stay locked in until the morning."

Sirius got up and walked to the window. He was really upset.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he shouted. "Why didn't you trust me?"

"People are afraid of things like me. Even my own parents are. And I can't really blame them. I never had any friends before coming here." He paused. "I wanted to tell you and James and Peter too, but I never could. I was so scared," Remus said.

"Two years, Remus. You should have known we would not hate you. We're supposed to be friends," Sirius answered bitterly.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. You don't know how much I regret all this," Remus answered trying to keep a calm and steady voice.

"Why did you go to the lake tonight?" Sirius started, still gazing outside. "Why did you try to…" His voice drifted off. "Is it because of what I told you? I didn't mean what I said," he added in a low voice.

"It's not your fault. I…I realised that it'll never be ok. I'll never be a normal person. No matter how hard I try," Remus said sadly.

"Bah, who wants to be a normal person, anyway?" he replied, walking to the bed.

"You're not going to hate me forever?" Remus asked hopefully.

"No. But you should have told me. I don't like it when people lie. I had enough of this at home."

"I'm sorry," Remus said

"Bah, enough of this, otherwise you'll make me cry too," Sirius said, trying to sound cheerful.

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better, Sirius," Remus said, forcing himself to smile a bit.

Sirius sighed heavily. "I know, I'm not very good at it."

"You're not so bad." He paused. "You saved my life, Sirius."

"When I saw you passing down the hall, I don't know how, but I felt that there was something wrong. So I followed you. And …and I pulled you out," he replied. Remus nodded.

"You won't do that again? Promise me you won't?" Sirius asked in a harsher voice.

"I…I won't. I promise you," he replied.

"And you'll never lie to me again,"

"Never. I promise" Remus answered.

"Good. Now, you sure you're not hungry?" Sirius asked, sounding happier.

"No, I'm just tired."

"You should try to sleep then."

"Can you stay here a bit? I don't want to be alone."

"Sure, I'm not going anywhere," Sirius answered with a smile.

"Thank you," Remus whispered and a few minutes later, he fell asleep.

Sirius looked at his friend. He'd never seen Remus like that before; so weak. He always knew there was something wrong with him from the way he looked so tired sometimes. But he'd never find out why. And he was feeling really bad about it now.

About an hour later, Sirius got up and went down into the Gryffindor common room. On a table was the list of the few students who were staying at Hogwarts for the holidays. He added his name to the bottom.

He then went back to the bedroom and sat on the edge of Remus' bed. Sirius was having some weird feelings. Some he couldn't really understand. When he first saw Remus in the lake, for a second that seemed eternity, he thought that he was dead. And it was like his heart was suddenly breaking into a million of pieces. He felt so relieved when he realized he was still alive. And when he took him in his arms, he wished he'd never have to let him go.

The young boy was sleeping quietly now. Sirius pushed Remus' wet hair out of his face, and arranged them a bit. The pale light of the moon reflected on his face, and Sirius thought it gave Remus a kind of angelic look. He didn't know why, but his heart was beating faster than ever this moment.

He remained there for what seemed like hours, watching Remus sleep, not letting him alone, as promised. It was only when he heard the other students coming back that he reached for his own bed.

It was late in the morning when Remus finally woke up. He wasn't feeling very well. He'd probably caught the flu. He sat up in his bed and noticed that he was alone in the room. All the beds were empty. He put some clothes on and went down the stairs.

"Finally awake," Sirius said from the sofa in front of the fireplace.

"Where's everybody?" Remus asked weakly.

"They took the train one hour ago. It's the holidays remember?"

He nodded. "But why are you here, then?"

"Well, I decided to stay."

"You shouldn't have. I'm fine, you know," Remus said, sitting next to Sirius.

"I couldn't let you all moody like that for three weeks, could I?" Sirius replied. "I'm your friend, you know this. And I'll never let you down," he added, and put an arm around Remus' shoulder for comfort.

Remus quivered but didn't move. It was, in a way, reassuring to have Sirius around. He blinked back tears and sighed heavily.

"We have nearly all the castle for ourselves. So, what're we going to do today?" Sirius asked with a mischievous smile.

"Don't know about you, but I'll go back in bed. I think I've caught the flu," Remus answered.

"You'd better stay here, in front of the fireplace." He paused then got up. "I'll get you a blanket."

He went back to the bedroom and Remus leaned back more comfortably, gazing at the fire.

He was feeling weird, and not only because of the flu. On the lakeshore, when he was in Sirius' arms, he'd felt so good and safe. Like if nothing could hurt him anymore. And when Sirius put his hand on his shoulder, his heart beat faster than ever. He was still trying to understand why, when Sirius got back.

"Here it is," he said, giving him the blanket. Remus took it, and forced a smile as thanks.

"What's on your mind, mate?" Sirius asked, noticing Remus' frowned look.

"Nothing. I'm fine," Remus lied.

"No you're not," Sirius answered smiling. "I know that look. Something's bothering you."

"It's nothing," Remus answered, still looking in the fire to avoid looking in his friend's eyes.

"Fine, if you say so." He paused. "But…you're sure you don't want to tell me? I won't repeat it, if it's what you fear. I'll be a tomb."

"You can never keep a secret Sirius." Remus pointed out, smiling.

"That's not true. I can …I can even be a whole graveyard when I want," he answered hurt in his self-respect. "I can keep a secret. For example, I've never said that James secretly fancies Evans!" he abruptly said.

"Damn! I shouldn't have said that," he said suddenly, realizing his mistake.

"A real tomb?" Remus chuckled. "So James has a crush on Lily, eh?" Sirius nodded, looking miserable for giving away his friend's secret.

"I don't know if they would get along. What do you think?" Remus asked.

"Hold on, mate! If I knew you better, I'd think you're trying to change the subject of our conversation. But since I know you better, I know you're trying to change the subject." He paused "So, what's your secret?" he asked.

"I'm not telling you," Remus answered.

"Oh, come on! I won't tell anybody. I promise."

"No."

"Then I'm not you're friend anymore," Sirius abruptly said, getting up from the seat again.

"You don't mean it?" Remus asked half concerned, half smiling.

"Yes I do. If you don't trust me, then I'm not your friend anymore," he replied in a serious voice. Remus wanted to answer something but Sirius didn't give him a chance.

"For Merlin's sake, Remus, I nearly lost you last night! Because of a secret, because you didn't trust me enough. I don't want this to happen again. Can't you understand that? Can't you understand that I care for you? I really do, more than I should. And I don't want to have to pull you out of the lake again. I don't want to see you cry like last night again," he shouted all this at once. He didn't want to, but the words had to get out. Tears fell from his eyes as he went back to the bedroom.

Remus was disconcerted. He didn't know what to think anymore. He got up and followed Sirius.

Sirius sat at the end of his bed, desperately trying to calm down. He meant what he'd said, every single word. He didn't want this to happen again. He didn't want Remus to be sad. Suddenly, everything was clear in his mind.

He felt a presence behind him, and knew that it was Remus. The other boy slowly walked in the room and sat at the head of Sirius' bed.

Sirius took a big breath and began, "I'm sorry Remus. I shouldn't have shouted at you like that."

"No, it's ok. I think I…I needed it anyway." Remus sighed. "You were right; I should have trusted you on the werewolf thing."

"Yeah, still I shouldn't have shouted like that," Sirius replied, looking at the floor. "I just…it's been a rough night. And you know me, I'm getting stupid with lack of sleep." Remus nodded

"So, what's your secret?" Sirius asked, still avoiding eye contact.

"It's not much of a secret. It's more a thought." He paused, trying to find the right words. "It's complicated, it's something I felt. Something weird."

"Did it hurt you?" Sirius asked worriedly.

"No. It…it was good. I just don't really know what it is." He paused again then closed his eyes, trying to remember what he'd felt. He reopened them a moment later, knowing what it was.

"What was it?" Sirius asked when he saw the shift of expression on Remus' face.

"Nothing," he answered, blushing a bit.

"Please Remus, tell me," Sirius said in a soft voice.

Remus sighed heavily and his eyes finally met with Sirius'. He knew he'd have to tell him. He nearly lost him over a secret.

"I've never felt like that before. I … I really like you Sirius. James and Peter are my friends but you … it's different with you. I think, I like you more than a friend should. I know it's not supposed to be like that, but I can't help it," Remus added.

Sirius was stunned. He had never thought that Remus could feel that way for him.

"Say something Sirius, please."

As an answer, the boy slowly leaned forward and pressed his lips against Remus' in a very shy and soft kiss.

"Why did you do that?" Remus asked, after Sirius moved back.

"I don't know. I just, I felt that was the right think to do," Sirius answered. "I like you too," he added.

"Really?" Remus asked smiling.

To answer, Sirius leaned forward and kissed him again. This time their kiss wasn't shy anymore.

The three weeks of holidays had been Remus and Sirius's best moments. There was only one other Gryffindor student that had stayed; a seventh year. But he spent nearly all his time in the Great Hall with some other students, so Remus and Sirius had Gryffindor Tower to themselves.

"What're you reading?" Remus asked when he saw Sirius entering the bedroom with a book.

"Something I just found. A book 'bout Animagus," Sirius answered.

"It's got to be the first time I've seen you reading a book. Have you decided to become a good student?" Remus asked smiling.

"Not a chance, love. I'll just read this one," he replied, while sitting on Remus' bed.

"Why's that?"

"Something I want to try. I'll tell you, only if it works," Sirius answered.

"The others are coming back tomorrow," Remus stated.

"I know," Sirius answered, leaving his book.

"We shouldn't tell the others about us. It'll be easier," Remus said.

"I agree. But, we won't be able to hide it from James and Peter; we share a room with them, and they're our best friends."

"Do you think they'll understand?" Remus asked, sounding a bit worried.

"Sure. And you should tell them you're a werewolf too."

Remus sighed.

"They'll understand. I promise you," Sirius added when he saw the sad expression on Remus' face. "And if they don't, I'll kick their arse," he added. "I won't let anyone make you sad."

"You'd really hurt them?" Remus asked smiling.

"Without a second guess!" He paused to kiss his lover. "I'll do anything for you, Remus Lupin."

"So will I, Sirius Black," he replied, kissing him too.

THE END

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