|SOUJIRO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Author: Wicked Enough PM
/Done with Permission/v 2.0/ Saw those irresistible baby blues and couldn't help but buy a SETA SOUJIRO unit, but now can't figure out what to do with the Tenken? Here is the essential information needed for the care and keeping of a smiling swordsman!Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Soujiro - Words: 2,226 - Reviews: 71 - Favs: 74 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 07-08-05 - Published: 02-05-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2250377
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
SETA SOUJIRO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
The Care and Keeping of Our Favorite Tenken
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or "The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" series. This story was completely inspired by Hikari Hrair-rah's out take of Theresa Green's series.
(Hello! Like in the SAITOU unit, this has been edited, and there's a new note at the end! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and watch out for the soon-to-come out AOSHI unit!)
While I'm still in my insanity mode, why not write this little number? This attempt was written completely because of a sentence in "Kenshin: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual", by Hikari Hrair-rah—"You have accidentally received our other Wandering Swordsman, a SETA SOJIRO unit." Can you believe that I actually started squealing in joy? I'm serious! So, here I am, a couple of weeks later, writing this!
You are now the proud owner of a SETA SOUJIRO unit, the second in our Wandering Swordsman series! To insure you get the most out of your new unit, please pay close attention to all following instructions.
Name: Seta Soujiro (Alias: Tenken no Soujiro, The Tenken, etc.)
Date of Manufacture: Around September of 8 BME (Before Meji Era–1861)
Place of Manufacture: Cherry Blossoms Teahouse Inc., Kanagawa Prefecture
Height: 163 cm (roughly 5"4)
Weight: 51 kg (roughly 112 lbs)
Length: Longer than expected, sharper on one side.
Your SETA SOUJIRO will come with the following accessories:
One Blue Gi
One Light Blue Western Shirt
One Pair Blue Hakama
One Pair White Socks
On Pair of Ragged Sandals
One Sword (Kiki Uchi Monji)
Open up your SETA SOUJIRO unit inside your home, safely locked and with dim lighting, or, even better, inside an abandoned temple deep inside a mountain. You do not want him to accidentally Shukuchi-ing you in fear.
Your SETA SOUJIRO unit has been programmed by state of the art functions. He will eagerly undertake the following tasks:
All Purpose Messenger Boy: Due to his early childhood training and god-like speed, your SETA SOUJIRO unit is perfect for sending home for your forgotten PE clothes, notes to your friends in classes across the school, minions across Japan, etc.
Bodyguard: Cute and useful, your SETA SOUJIRO unit can protect you from any harm. Under the adorable exterior, he is the master of Shukuchi and the ultimate attack, Shun Ten Satsu! Use him to your advantage and sic him on bullies!
Assassin: When you need someone 'taken care of', you'll be stunned at how easily and quickly your SETA SOUJIRO can take care of it! Overriding carriages is as easy as 1-2-3 to your master assassin! (Warning: We are not responsible for any crimes committed on behalf of any SETA SOUJIRO units.)
Right-Hand Man: Thinking about taking over some country but can't stand backstabbing, forever plotting, and murderous minions? You're in luck! Your SETA SOUJIRO unit will be faithful and won't have any plots running amok in his head.
Your SETA SOUJIRO unit will come in the following modes:
Emotionless, but Smiling (default)
A Tad Mad (locked)
Out of Character (locked)
Please note that when there is even a risk of a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit coming to fight, your SETA SOUJIRO unit will shift automatically to Extremely Deadly Mode and try to beat him. However, because of the RUROUNI KENSHIN's way with words and philosophies, prolonged exposure with him will have your SETA SOUJIRO unlocking his A Tad Mad Mode and questioning his beliefs. If the fight finishes with the RUROUNI KENSHIN's ultimate attack, your SETA SOUJIRO will shift to his Wandering Mode and try to wander Japan for 10 years.
Notice how SETA SOUJIRO unit does not have a Slash mode. However, if the Out of Character mode is unlocked, the Slash unit can be programmed.
Relations to other units:
SHISHIO MAKOTO: Your SETA SOUJIRO will follow every direction given by a SHISHIO MAKOTO unit, so be careful around one. Make sure that the owner of the SHISHIO MAKOTO unit isn't trying to steal your SETA SOUJIRO. The best way to make sure this doesn't happen is to buy a SHISHIO MAKOTO unit yourself.
YUMI: Your SETA SOUJIRO will look up to YUMI almost as a mother figure. One note is to have your SETA SOUJIRO free of blood before seeing a YUMI unit as so your SETA SOUJIRO unit doesn't get screamed at.
HOJI: Your SETA SOUJIRO will feel indifference towards any HOJI units so it doesn't really matter if he's around.
REMAINING JUPPON-GATANA GROUP SET: Your SETA SOUJIRO will not bother with most of the weaker members of the Juppon-Gatana, but they function fully well along with any SETA SOUJIRO as long as he's not in A Tad Mad Mode or Out of Character mode.
SENKAKU: Any SENKAKU units spotted by your SETA SOUJIRO will be killed immediately. Do not, under any circumstances, put SENKAKU by a riverside with your SETA SOUJIRO unit.
RUROUNI KENSHIN: When your SETA SOUJIRO unit first sees a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, it will instantly shift from Emotionless, but Smiling Mode to Extremely Deadly Mode and try to defeat him. However, as the RUROUNI KENSHIN is programmed to teach all villains a new philosophy, your SETA SOUJIRO unit will shift into his A Tad Mad Mode. When he is defeated, he will wander Japan for ten years in search for his true philosophy.
SAITOU HAJIME: SETA SOUJIRO units do not really care about SAITOU HAJIME units, but do not put them in a room together anyway, as a SAITOU HAJIME unit shifts into Extremely Deadly Mode easily. If that happens, chances are that your SETA SOUJIRO unit will damage any SAITOU HAJIME with a quick series of Shukuchies.
SHINOMORI AOSHI: Your SETA SOUJIRO unit does not care for SHINOMORI AOSHI units but will not attack him unless ordered to by any SHISHIO MAKOTO units. Be sure to keep them separate if this is the case, as your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit will be damaged.
Your SETA SOUJIRO keeps himself clean and seems to be able to mend his own clothing, but it is important to note that any SETA SOUJIRO needs to be taught how to bathe properly in your home. For first time baths/showers, do the following:
1- Undress your SETA SOUJIRO unit. He knows how to do it himself but there's no harm making sure.
2- Fill the tub and make sure that the temperature is comfortable.
3- Push your SETA SOUJIRO unit into the tub and douse him with large amounts of water. Feel free to dunk him under a few times as he won't drown.
4- Rub shampoo into his (sexy) hair.
6- Rub conditioner into his (sexy) hair.
7- Repeat Step 5
8- Scrub him all over with your favorite body wash
9- Repeat Step 5
10- Let SETA SOUJIRO unit soak for a good hour or so.
11- Pull him out of the tub and give him a good rub down.
12- Force a bathrobe onto him and dress him when completely dry.
Warning: Do no leer at your SETA SOUJIRO unit after done washing him while he is still recovering from A Tad Mad mode. This will cause your SETA SOUJIRO unit to malfunction and suddenly start crying.
Your SETA SOUJIRO unit is perfect for owners that want to lose weight. Your SETA SOUJIRO will happily eat all your rice balls, mochi, cake, and so on, so you can become your ideal weight. Otherwise, your SETA SOUJIRO unit will be happy to find his own food and water.
Be sure to force your SETA SOUJIRO to sleep every 3-4 days, as SETA SOUJIRO units who do not get enough sleep collapse and are usually found by MAKIMACHI MISAO units, forcing your SETA SOUJIRO unit into Out of Character Mode.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My SETA SOUJIRO unit has been beaten by a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit and now is in his Wandering Mode, but I don't want him to leave. Is there any way I can make him stay?
A: Fortunately, the answer is yes. To keep your SETA SOUJIRO in the mode he is currently in, buy a SHISHIO MAKOTO unit. Your new SHISHIO MAKOTO unit will 'the weak die, and the strong survive' him until he is back to normal.
Q: How do I unlock my SETA SOUJIRO unit's Out of Character Mode so I can breed him with a MAKIMACHI MISAO unit?
A: Though is not advised to breed any SETA SOUJIRO units, you can unlock SETA SOUJIRO's Out of Character Mode by keeping him awake for a week or so, not giving him any food and so on. Your SETA SOUJIRO unit will eventually collapse and start rebooting. At that moment, send your MAKIMACHI MISAO unit to find him and be there when he wakes up.
Q: My SETA SOUJIRO unit has taken to wrapping himself up in toilet paper and insisting on doing a Kuni Tori on the government. Is this regular?
A: NO! Your SETA SOUJIRO unit has been programmed wrong and is now convinced that he is a SHISHIO MAKOTO unit. Send him back to us and we'll send you a replacement ASAP.
Q: My SETA SOUJIRO unit, which I recently bought used on Ebay, keeps wearing red wigs and trying to do all the laundry. What's wrong with it?
A: Used, you say? Your SETA SOUJIRO unit has most likely already fought a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit and has passed through his ten year Wandering Mode. He has decided that he wants to be exactly the same as a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit. To make sure, check to see if his sword is now sharp on the wrong side. If it is, you now have a glitched SETA SOUJIRO unit. Sorry, but there's nothing we can do. If you want it right, buy it straight from the manufacturer.
Q: My SETA SOUJIRO unit has the exact face of the unit on the box but it also has a pony-tail and keeps saying that it must "Aku. Soku. Zan." everything, and wants his pet pig. What's going on?
A: You have accidentally received an OKITA SOUJI unit. Please send him back, as we love him. We'll send you a real SETA SOUJIRO unit back ASAP.
Q: My SETA SOUJIRO unit is starting to get calls from a really shady character who keeps saying "Jinchuu..." Who is the guy anyway?
A: Your SETA SOUJIRO unit has gotten himself involved with a YUKISHIRO ENISHI unit. To solve this problem, call the YUKISHIRO ENISHI in question and tell him that there is a BATTOUSAI unit wandering around. The calls will stop almost instantly.
Problem: Your SETA SOUJIRO unit keeps sleeping in trees and staring at passing carriages.
Solution: The SETA SOUJIRO unit has gotten himself mixed up with a SHISHIO MAKOTO unit and is now trying to kill government officials, most likely OKUBO units. Find the SHISHIO MAKOTO unit in question and tell him to take a hike. Your SETA SOUJIRO unit should be fine afterwards.
Problem: Your SETA SOUJIRO unit is stuck in A Tad Mad Mode and won't stop banging his head against the ground.
Solution: This is a common glitch that can be solved easily. Your SETA SOUJIRO unit most likely recently fought with a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit. Did you remove either units before the fight could finish, but after your SETA SOUJIRO entered A Tad Mad Mode? That is probably why. Your SETA SOUJIRO unit is very confused and angry–and for the first time, too. To fix this problem, set your SETA SOUJIRO unit back together with your RUROUNI KENSHIN unit and watch the problem be solved.
Problem: Your SETA SOUJIRO unit is constantly found outside when it rains with a wakizashi in his hand.
Solution: Your SETA SOUJIRO is harboring a SHISHIO MAKOTO unit and is imagining that he has killed his relatives again. Solve this problem by allowing your SETA SOUJIRO to wander with the SHISHIO MAKOTO unit until he learns the phrase, "The strong live and the weak die..." At that time, rent a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, a SHINOMORI AOSHI unit, a SAITOU HAJIME unit, and a SAGARA SANOSUKE unit, and let the four fight the SHISHIO MAKOTO unit. (Warning: All four of these units will be heavily damaged after the SHISHIO MAKOTO unit is defeated.)
Your SETA SOUJIRO unit, being a certified Bishonen©, will stay beautiful and young for, well, just about forever. By all counts, he should outlive you, so if you have kids, you better state it clearly in the will who gets him. However, should your SETA SOUJIRO not outlive you, you'll know when he starts smiling less and less. Do not fear. He has redeemed his soul, and when he passes on, will go to Assassin Heaven, where he will slash the bodies of his family over and over in the rain. Our final guarantee is that the SETA SOUJIRO model will keep you happy, no matter who you are.