This is the fourth in a series of song fics, and here are the prequels (they're one "chapter" each). Links to these parts are in the Reckless Community and are listed in my user lookup.

Part One: Perfect
Part Two: Violet Delight
Part Three: Flash

He did not open his eyes. He knew that the moment he did so, he would lose all hope of recalling his dream. Ric liked to keep a private journal by his bed of everything his subconscious taught him about himself. He had been keeping it for so long; he learned that the minute he opened his eyes, all traces of his dream would vanish.

Whatever his dream had been must have been locked away in the deepest recesses of his mind because he was having more trouble than usual. He hung on to the vaguest trace of that dream, and it all slowly resurfaced: some terrible nightmare about Sonny being Kristina's father. He actually smiled at such an absurd thought. It certainly was a very elaborate dream; that was for sure.

Ric had been worrying that he had slept in, but he could feel the arms of his sleeping wife around him, and he knew that he had to get up to fix his girls breakfast.

He opened his eyes.

The first thing that he noticed was the sudden terrible pounding ache that clung to his head from the immediate onslaught of sunlight that assaulted his sensitive eyes. He groaned slightly, shielding his eyes quickly.

But when he looked down at his shoulder, he saw Jen's chin resting there.

He sat up suddenly, startling her though she was already awake. Ric looked around the room frantically, horrified at his surroundings. "What?" he stammered as she sat up next to him slowly. She had been awake for a while, dreading this very moment.

"Do you know where you are?" she asked delicately. She thought that touching him would be inappropriate, so she left her hands in her lap.

"No," he whispered more to himself than in response to her question, shaking his head in denial. He just wanted to wake up. Why couldn't he just wake up?

"Do you remember anything?" she asked timidly.

"A little." He paused to send a pained glance her way. "Some parts more clearly than others."

She would have smiled if he did. She had not realized until she woke up this morning that Ric might regret what he had done; she had been so caught up in his touches that she could not think rationally. She was feeling too anxious to venture another attempt to make conversation, so she simply sat silently while Ric worked out the throbbing pain in his head.

He pulled his legs up close to himself, rested his elbows on his knees, and hid his face in the hands that did not feel like his own. His own silent crying was what could not let him deny that this was real.

"Ric…"

"I don't understand," he whispered among his sobbing. "How did this happen?"

"I found you at Eagle Bridge," she began softly.

"What was I doing there?" Ric interrupted, feeling dazed.

"You were seriously drunk. I think you were trying to throw yourself in the river."

"So you, what, took me to your place?" he demanded, his voice rising louder than he had intended. He realized by the awkward way she sat that he was making her uncomfortable, so he turned away for her to dress herself decently.

"You know," she said as she grabbed the lavender robe that hung from the back of a chair, "it's not like I brought you here to take advantage of you. I don't just sleep with anyone."

"Yeah, this coming from the tramp who screwed around with her professor in law school to graduate at the top of her class," Ric muttered to the floor.

"Don't even throw that in my face," she spat as she began to tie the robe tightly around her. "I know how you preach to everyone about how you've changed, so don't you dare challenge my intentions."

"Yeah, well, I don't pick up drunk women, take them back to my place and sleep with them," Ric countered bitterly as he pinched the sheets next to him absentmindedly and pulled them up into the shape of a small tent.

Jen finished tying her bathrobe around her, and she walked around the bed to kneel in front of him. "Ric, it didn't happen like that. You're refusing to look at the whole picture here." She raised his chin with the tip of her finger to shift his gaze from the floor to her eyes. "You were hurting last night, and so was I," she explained calmly. "Now, either you were looking for someone to take your anger out on, or you were just looking for someone to comfort you. Either way, you were able to find that in me. And I needed someone, too."

Her words seemed to have an effect on him because his expression softened. "Your sister," he finally realized, and Jen nodded wordlessly. Ric suddenly felt a surge of guilt rising within him. He had been so upset about what had happened that he had not stopped to consider where she had been coming from.

"I'm sorry," he whispered meekly.

Jen shook her head. "No, it's not your fault at all," she said, bravely resting her hand over his. "This is not something where blame needs to be assigned, Ric. This is just another stepping stone to get us across that river, OK?"

He nodded and ran a shaky hand through his dark brown curls, blowing air noisily through pursed lips. "I'm sorry, I haven't been fair to you at all."

"No, no, no, it's OK," she said sincerely. "Look, Ric, I don't have any major expectations here. I'm not going to wait for you to call me. I'm not going to expect some kind of romantic relationship to develop from this." She hesitated and squeezed his hand affectionately. "I know how much you love Alexis," she said, and a smile escaped Ric's repression. "And however much pain you might be in – and believe me, I know right now it seems unbearable – you have a family with your wife and your daughter. And you need to do whatever you can to work through this because being bitter wastes more of your life than being in love. Not that you need a speech from me about holding a grudge," she said with a laugh.

"Hey," Ric said with a smile. "I am trying."

"I know. You're doing great."

She stood up slowly, not letting go of his hand just yet. "I'm going to go make us some coffee. I know I could use some, and I'm sure it would do you some good. You take all the time you need and come out whenever you're ready, and then I'll take you wherever you want to go." She leaned down to kiss him lightly on the cheek, giving his hand one last encouraging squeeze. He managed to maintain a somewhat convincing smile until he heard the soft click of the door closing shut behind her.

Ric fell back onto the bed, groaning as he did so. He felt sick to his stomach. He could not figure out of it was more from the hangover or from the guilt of sleeping with another woman. He was dizzy at the thought of how to tell Alexis what he had done while still asking that they work to rebuild their relationship. If he ever did forgive her for her dishonesty, would she forgive him for his disloyalty?

He was not there.

Alexis had been lying awake flat on her stomach in bed for much too long, running her palm absentmindedly over the lonely space beside her. Her stomach had been nagging her for quite some time now as starvation persisted relentlessly, but she did not want to get out of bed. She kept thinking that, any minute now, Ric would call her name from the kitchen to announce that breakfast was ready.

Her alarm clock blared for the sixth time that morning. She did not have the strength to hit the snooze again, so she just let it be. Without consciously choosing to do so, she heaved herself out of bed and out the door.

She went into Kristina's room to wake her, but discovered that she was gone. She then remembered that she had taken her to spend the night with Ned before she spoke to Ric yesterday evening. She knew there would be yelling, and she did not want her daughter to be frightened. Alexis was thankful that she had thought ahead because Kristina would not understand eating with Mommy but not with Uncle Ric.

Breakfast was a disaster. After her third attempt at scrambled eggs, she dumped the burnt disaster in the trashcan and opted for toast. Ric's eggs were always perfect. It looked easy enough when she had watched him do it one time. If only they had had more time for him to teach her.

She stared down the meal before her until the toast was cold and the orange juice was tepid. She just did not have the stomach for it. She kept looking at the empty seat next to hers where her husband usually sat.

"Here you go."

"Thanks." Ric accepted the coffee mug from Jen, but he did not sip at it right away; rather, he just held it between his palms. He looked around the kitchen, but he did not recognize it. It was bad enough that he was overwhelmed with remorse, but now that was compounded by his frustration over trying to remember more of what had happened.

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked all of a sudden.

"Sure; what do you need?"

"I want you to take me to Eagle Bridge."

Jen sat her own coffee mug down on the counter slowly so as not to make a sound.

"Look, I'm not going to throw myself in," he assured her. "I just want to remember for myself what happened last night."

Jen considered him for a moment before nodding. "Are you going to want to go back home afterwards?"

Ric shook his head sadly. "I can't."

"I'm sure Alexis would let you in. After all, she's not the one who walked out."

"I know. I just can't face her right now."

Her chin dropped down to her chest. Ric may not have intended it, but he was making her feel devastatingly ashamed of herself. She knew that if Ric and Alexis could not work out their problems that she would be held responsible.

"Look, we should probably get going," Jen said after an uncomfortable pause. "If you want, I can drop you off at the Port Charles Hotel afterwards," she offered awkwardly.

"Thanks."

She ran her hand along the cold metal of the railing. It was still slightly damp from the morning dew. Alexis still got an eerie unsettled feeling as she stood here looking down at the water. She gripped the railing with both hands to try to ground herself; she felt like she was falling again.

If she could not think straight in her own home where memories of Ric dwelled, then she certainly could think out here where her troubles washed away down the river. She just needed to be here and try to connect with whatever deep inside of her made her feel so strange.

Jen stopped the car just outside Eagle Bridge. She looked over at Ric who seemed to be frozen in thought. She nudged him lightly once and called his name, but he kept his unfocused eyes on the vanilla-scented air freshener that hung from the rearview mirror. The car ride had been silent and empty. Jen wanted to give Ric the opportunity to confide in her again in his own time.

"I was just thinking," he finally said, his eyes still locked before him. "What if I don't want to remember? What if this is all God's way of protecting me from myself?" Ric traced the handle on the door with the tip of his finger. "And if so, can I trust Her judgment?" He shrugged at himself and sighed. "I don't know."

"Well, come on. We're already here. You might as well give it a try," she encouraged.

"Yeah, ok."

For sure, she was hallucinating. It could not possibly be real what she was seeing: Ric coming out of the slight traces of the morning fog; and there was a woman with him. As they came closer, Alexis began to realize that her eyes did not deceive her; Ric was with Jen McNeil, his hand in hers, dressed in the same clothes as the night before. She wanted to flee before they saw her, but she wanted to confront them more. She kept her grip tight on the railing until Ric and Jen caught sight of her. Both immediately stopped walking, and uncomfortable glances were passed around.

Jen tugged her hand out of Ric's and took a step backwards. "Look, Ric, I'm going to wait in the car, OK?" she said quietly. She looked at Alexis, not meaning to send her such a nasty glare. "I think the two of you need to talk."

No one watched her leave; both husband and wife were entirely captured in the dangerous battle of wordless stares and painful unspoken conversation.

If this is just a dream
If it's not all that it seems
I'll never wake

Ric felt a vague sense of unease when he looked at his wife. It was not the same guilty discomfort that he had felt when he woke this morning. Alexis had a blended look of heartbreak and alarm from seeing him with Jen. Her expression triggered something in his mind, and suddenly murmurs of Sonny's voice began to fill his head. At first the echoing words were indistinguishable, but slowly they became clear, and he remembered: Alexis had gone to sleep with Sonny, and she was horrified when Ric had caught her.

"What were you doing with her?" Alexis asked once she dislodged the words from her throat. Her tone was not at all accusatory, but rather it had the air of a heartbroken woman. "Are you sleeping with her?"

Ric did not respond well.

"Why do you care? You're sleeping with Sonny now."

Alexis was floored. How could Ric assume something like that? Did he really expect that of her?

She blinked back as many tears as she could, but more than a few broke free. "Is that really what you think of me?" she asked sadly. "Is your faith in me really that tainted?"

"Well, I know what I saw, Alexis. You can't tell me that I didn't hear what I heard or see what I saw."

She shook her head pitifully at him. "You don't know a damn thing."

"You slept with her, didn't you?"

Ric shifted his weight uneasily. He could not lie to her, and if he did not tell her now, he might not get the opportunity to easily do so later. "After I saw you with Sonny last night, I came here. I was really upset and had nowhere to go. Jen found me, and... well, let's just say she rescued me from myself. She offered to give me a ride, I accepted."

"And you went back to her place?" she assumed frigidly.

"Well, I don't think I was exactly able to give clear directions at the time." Ric clutched his fist around the metal and leaned his weight into it. "Anyway, when we got there, we talked. She had some problems that she was dealing with. We connected, and yes, I did spend the night with her."

Alexis felt an enormous force hit her directly in the chest, and it knocked an incredulous huff of breath from her. "Great," she huffed, tapping the nail of her index finger furiously on the underside of the railing. "So while your brother was raping me, you were busy screwing around with someone else?"

Ric took a defensive step towards her, but he did not dare cover too much distance before he stopped. "He – wh – Sonny raped you?"

"He tried," Alexis interrupted coldly before Ric could swear murder. "He tried, but I somehow found the strength to get away because I thought that you might be in trouble and that you might need my help, but you were perfectly safe, weren't you, in another woman's bed?"

Ric was rendered absolutely wordless. He could not decide which was more powerful at the moment: his hatred for his brother or his remorse for his own actions. He could not imagine any words that he could put forth sufficing; weak words were all he could offer.

"Alexis, I'm so sorry –"

"Sorry for what?" she snapped. "Sorry that he didn't rape me? Maybe if he had then you would feel justified in walking out on your daughter and your slut of a wife who whores herself to the father of her illegitimate brat."

"Come on, Alexis, you're not being fair –"

"I'm not being fair?" She interrupted herself with a derisive laugh. "I'm not the one who slept with some cheap piece of trash and then had the gall to throw around tenuous accusations!"

"Look, neither of us are perfect here," Ric tried to interject calmly. "Yes, I made a huge mistake, but so did you, and you know what I'm talking about."

Alexis shook her head at him. "That's not what's at issue here –"

"That's exactly what's at issue!" he argued. "You're upset because you've just realized that your faith in me was blind. Well, you betrayed my trust too. But Alexis," he said braving one step closer, "we can't stay bitter at each other. We need to find a way to get through this, mostly for ourselves, but for Kristina, too."

Ric should have known that Alexis would not even consider him, but he held onto the hope that she missed him, too. He should have known that it can never be that easy with Alexis.

"You know what? Your girlfriend has been waiting for you in the car for a while. I don't want to keep you from her any longer."

Alexis sharply turned her back to him and disappeared in a flash. Ric wanted to chase after her, but he could not remember how to move his feet. He released his grip on the railing, and when he looked down, he could see that his palms were burning red.

If this is just a dream
If it's not all that it seems
I'll never wake

Part Five:The Blissful Light