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Count to Ten
Title: Count to Ten
Author: Fwe
Disclaimer: I still don't own it... but I'm working on it!
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Torture! Torture I say! Mwahahaha!
Season: One
Summery: Count to ten... It'll all go away... everything will disappear...and all you need to do is count to ten.
AN/ Angst anyone?
One...
I can hear the footsteps coming again.
But, then again... I can always hear them, and I'm not quite sure what's real anymore. Sometimes I even think that I can hear them coming for me. I gave up on that happening a long time ago though. So I just try to ignore the sounds now... but sometimes I can't.
And that's almost like torture...
Sometimes it's hard to remember what life was like before this. Before the pain, and the fear, and the blood... I'm grateful for it most of the time too...It's too painful to remember. I can't have any of it anymore. There aren't any beds, the food that I had brought with me is long gone, and there isn't any more water to wash the dirt from my body, just blood... This is my new life. And right now, it's almost too painful to live it.
Two...
The blood... I have a hard time believing that it's all mine. There are gallons of it covering my walls. And all of it's mine...My cell has no windows, no lights, nothing to let me actually see what I'm all too aware of. But I can smell it, feel it... taste it. The smell keeps me up at night and the feel of it makes my skin crawl. The worst of my old nightmares are now the sweetest of my dreams compared to what I experience when I wake up to find myself here. And the sweetest of my old dreams cause me more pain than the worst of the nightmares here... because I know that I can't have any of it... all I have is the darkness... and my blood.
Three...
I can still hear the footsteps. No matter how hard I try to will the sound away, they just won't stop. They're constantly with me, waiting in the darkness, lurking in the shadows of my mind... It's the only sound that will wake me up from my nightmares, and the only thing that I can hear when I don't wake from them. They are what my nights are full of, what my days are haunted by.
They don't stop until they reach the door each time. That's when I find out if they're real or not. Either they fade away, or the pain comes crashing in. It's almost a relief when they're real, even if it does mean that I'm about to lose more of my sanity, because it tells me that I'm not completely crazy... not yet anyway.
Four...
Hunger... I feel it constantly. My companion to the dark and the pain. I don't eat. Not from choice, but from lack of anything to eat. I get fed at sporadic intervals, sometimes weeks apart. My water is only given to me thrown across my face to wake me up for another beating. The pangs in my stomach grasp at me with every kick and punch that they throw at me... and all I want to do is sleep...
Five...
I prefer the nightlife though. I know it's supposed to be dark then, and I can pretend that I have windows, and that the only reason that there's no light is because the sun has set. I can tell what time of the day it is even without windows though. And it's all because I count. I count every second of every minuet of every day. Even when I'm asleep I'm still counting. It's probably the only thing keeping me as sane as I am. So far, I've been here six months, twelve days, and fourteen hours. And I regret every minuet of it...
Six...
The footsteps are getting closer. Their even rhythm often keeps me awake. There is no way I can sleep. The terror of what the steps could mean keep me in this waking nightmare, dragging my mind from whatever reprieve it may have received between the last time the pain had come and then. Every step is another closer to me, and the safety of the darkness can't save me. The pain will come, the blood will start, and the counting will start full force. It's the only thing that keeps my mind off of the pain that shoots through me at every blow. So I count...
Seven...
I can't remember the last time it happened. All of them tend to blend together. There is no variance between them. It's the same thing time after time. I stopped screaming long ago. I learned that if you don't, it ends a lot more quickly. And that means less blood to cover my already red walls. Right now I wish I could disappear into the darkness. Then they would never be able to touch me again, and I could be left alone to count.
Eight...
They're almost outside of my door now. I don't know if I can do it again. Maybe I'll scream this time. Maybe they'll go too far and I'll finally be free. Maybe...
Nine...
The door is opening. The light in the hallway shines through to meet my underexposed eyes and I am momentarily blinded. Oh, please no... Please! I cover my eyes with my arms and huddle my body into the farthest corner. I see movement out of the corner of my eye and expect the first blow to come.
It didn't.
Instead, a hand comes to rest on my knee. I look up and almost faint. I must have finally gone insane. In front of me was Teyla. Her soft brown eyes were looking down at me with a look of mixed horror and sympathy. This can't be real.
"Why!" I cried out pitifully to whomever would listen. This couldn't be real. I dreamed of it too many times for it to be. I shook my head in my hands and rocked silently back and forth, my whole body wracked with sobs. Teyla gently put her hands on my shoulders to stop my rocking and took my chin to put us face to face.
"It's time to go home," she whispered with tears of her own forming in her eyes. I nod even though I still think that it's a hallucination. Her hands slide around my waist and pull me to my feet. My legs gave out almost the instant I stood, but she was there to catch me when I started to fall. That's when I knew that it wasn't a dream.
In that moment I didn't need to count anymore, and I almost felt happy for the first time in months. As we made our way out of the building, I turned to look at her and saw the tears streaming down her face. I didn't dare to brush them away though. I would only get her face dirty with my blood.
We were going home. Everything would be fine. Everything would go back to normal. These were the things that she said to me on the way to the waiting Puddle Jumper. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I would never be fine, and that I would never really be home, I just smiled for her and nodded my head weakly.
Ten...
All I need to do is count to ten, and it all disappears... All of the pain. All of the fear. Everything...But I don't think that I can ever get it back.