|Remains of a Toasted Slytherin
Author: xXFissshBonesssXx PM
Harry can't get the Accio charm down. Hermione attempts to help. Draco appears when his ... ah ... undergarments are summoned away. Rated for mentions of speedos and bras. OneShot, attempt at humor.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Harry P. - Words: 1,293 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 02-28-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2285935
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Uh … lots of OOC … 0-0;; (insert Toharu-style sweatdrop)
Harry sighed and pulled out his wand. He'd been practicing the Summoning Spell, but things weren't going as well as he'd hoped. A pile of unnamable items sat in the corner, casualties of misfired spells. Hermione brushed back her hair, trying to smile evenly without her eye twitching every five seconds.
"Come on, Harry, you've almost got it! Try one more time!" Harry sighed.
"I really don't think-"
Harry meeped obediently and yelled the spell. A fountain of blood spouted from his nose as a thong flew in his face.
Hermione squealed and snatched them off his face. "Wh-what did you summon this time?" Harry shrugged when a knock came on the door. Before either could open it, Malfoy burst into the room, his face red and hair develshed.
"Which one of you slobbering excuses for an ass summoned away my jockstraps!"
Hermione immeditally incerated the garnment in her hands.
"Noooooooo! That was the one with the special wedgie-repellent!"
Harry sighed but before he could repeat the spell, Malfoy rose his voice. "What exactly are you idiots doing?" The two Gryffendors looked at each other, shrugged, and told him.
"We're trying to make the stupid summoning spell work. I'm saying the words right, according to Hermione, but something just isn't ..." Harry shook his head and shrugged. "... right." Malfoy laughed as the two others edged away.
"Infidels! I am Draconius Lucius Malfoy the Greatest Slytherin To Ever Grace This Sad Excuse for a Wizard's School! Everything is possible for I! I can summon anything faster than you could possibly doing!"
Hermione thought on it. "Can you summon a Dark Lord?"
Malfoy looked startled but rose his wand.
"Accio Dark Lord!"
A corpse came flying through the window. Hermione toed it with her foot.
"A living Dark Lord, perhaps?"
Malfoy shrugged and altered the spell. "Accio Living Dark Lord!"
A Very-Disturbed-You-Know-Who came flying through the window, landing on the carcass of some dead guy. At once, he screamed.
Malfoy bitch-slapped him. "Shaddup." Shaking his head in disbelief, the Living-Dark-Lord rose his wand to retaliate.
"But I didn't say-"
Harry tried to restrain Malfoy as he rose his hand again. "Now, now, come on-I think he's learned his lesson." Harry smiled and showed him the door. "Thank you! Come again!"
A very confused but living Dark Lord watched as the door slammed in his face. Muffled screams of rage came from the other side of the broom closet.
"Acphio!" A giant fish flopped in through the open window.
Malfoy snapped his fingers. "That's it! You're saying it wrong!"
Harry opened the door to the broom closet.
"Adva-" Harry pushed Draco into him and shoved the fish into his arms. All three blinked at each other as they were shut inside.
Flopping noises were heard and then a flash of green issued from under the door. There was prolonged silence. Harry swallowed and tried again. "If it's not 'Acphio' ..." He cleared his throat.
There was a flash of light and three girls with different colored hair and uniforms appeared. One had long, blue hair, one had short blonde hair and one had braided red hair. All three looked slightly comical. "N-nani yo ..." The blonde asked, winded. The one with red hair bounced up to Hermione, grabbing her hands.
"Where are we and who summoned us here!"
Hermione pointed at Harry. "Uh ... that guy."
All three girls gasped and the one with red hair giggled.
"LAAAAAAANNNNTTISSS-CHAAN!" She glomped onto him like a magnet.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Malfoy and You-Know-Who were pointing their wands at the three new girls, everyone staring at them strangely.
Two of the three were blasted by green wavy lines that flew from their wands. They moved on to Harry and the girl with red hair when something appeared to stop them.
"No, it's a pillow!"
"Iie, it's Mokona-chan! Are you going to save me from the bad men, Mokona-chan?" The pink fluff ball with ears suddenly puffed its cheeks out and sucked in air, creating a vortex, which sucked in the Dark Lord Who Was Alive and the Carcass Rotting on the Floor, which started whistling to 'The Happy Homocidal Hampsters' as it went. A blast of light later and the girl with red hair was gone.
Malfoy, Harry and Hermione stared at the pink ... thing.
"What the hell ... are you?" asked Malfoy with a certian caution. The pink ... thing bounced up and down, shouting all the time, "Puu pu pu!" It bounced around the room before landing back in the closet, which shut conviently at that moment. No one dared open the door as a bright red flash issued from behind it.
"Try it again," said Hermione. Harry sighed. Draco watched the window for something else.
Malfoy was suddenly in only a black speedo. Hermione choked. Harry whistled.
An annomus paparatzzi appeared and flashed a few pictures. Hermione promptly roasted him.
"Try the spell again," sighed Hermione as Malfoy admired his new attire. Harry threw his robe on Malfoy for some decency. "I need serious sanity relief," she sighed.
"Ascio Cemetary!" About thirty corpses appeared in the room.
"You need to get your ears checked by a physician."
"Ascio Tuition!" A pile of papers appeared in the room.
The lake frothed outside. Three red fish flopped on the shore. One of them had a camera around its neck. It popped back into a red-haired girl, and the two other fish popped back into a pair of twin-red-head-boys. All three had vicious grins on. No one noticed as they crept inside.
"Acsio Paramedic!" A man in a white coat appeared to revive Hermione, who had passed out after Harry summoned You-Know-Who back from ... wherever. Malfoy was sitting nearby, watching everything.
Draco felt a sudden surge of blood as a bra hit his face. Harry swallowed auidably. Hermione poked her shoulder for her own bra strap. She grabbed the bra off Malfoy's head and turned around to whip it back on.
"Let's move on." Harry readily agreed, cleaning off the blood from his nose and clothes.
"Try a defensive spell." Harry nodded and muttered something under his breath. A dark whisp of smoke built up around him, black clouds swishing around and around, frothing, foaming, forming ...
"Is that Snape in a bikini?"
"I said 'defensive,' not 'offensive'!" Harry shrugged.
"What's the differance? This'd kill anything in a ten-foot range." The bikini-clad Snape turned and glared at him. Harry spontaiously combusted from overexposure to the Evil Glare.
Malfoy and Hermione stared at the remains. Finally he spoke up.
"You incerated my jockstrap."
The room was left with toasted remains of a Slytherin.
0-0 ... 1st funny attempt? Review? Flame? Eeehhh ? … (squeals and runs away)