|Van Helsing the severe problems version
Author: etherealfire PM
Van Helsing and Carl are sent to the Far East to deal with a megalomaniac, Count Vladislaus Dracula, who is attempting to bring to life all the dreadful fanfiction writers of the past…and who is just a tad obsessed with the color pink...Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,222 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 04-04-05 - Published: 03-04-05 - id: 2291395
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I know that Van Helsing is portrayed as stupid in most of these humor fics, and this one will be no different…lol
Speaking of Dracula…Victor turned around and found himself face to face with the man/monster/whatever. Victor shrieked. Dracula shrieked as well.
"What is it? What's wrong?" Dracula demanded, pulling out a hand mirror. "Is it on my face?" He gasped. "Is it a…a mole?"
Victor shook his head. "No, you just startled me, Count."
"Oh, good." Dracula put away the mirror and straightened his ridiculous pink bow tie, which he wrongly believed struck terror into the hearts of his enemies. Dracula wrongly believed a lot of things.
Victor cleared his throat. "Um, Count?"
"Yes?" Dracula smiled, showing that he had no idea what Victor was about to say.
"Those villagers are here to take away my monster."
"I must escape this place!" He dramatically brushed his hair out of his eyes and sprinted to the table a mere 5 feet away where the Frankenstein monster lay strapped to a table so he wouldn't hurt himself more than was necessary for purposes of comic relief. The Writer realized that this was a very long sentence and congratulated herself for having pulled it off without confusing the audience too much.
"Where will you go, Victor?" In the background, there was a conveniently timed bolt of lightning. Unfortunately, the tech guy set off the thunder BEFORE the lightning. Dracula shot a scathing glance beyond the camera.
"I don't know. Far away. I will take him with me!" Victor strongly suspected that he was messing up his lines, but he didn't care.
"But he is mine now." Another bolt of lightning. The tech electrocuted himself, screeching, in the background.
"Why do you think I brought you here?"
"You said you believed in my work!"
Dracula smiled. The female half of the audience immediately thought about how their names would sound with his last name tacked on (he was incredibly hott even though he was wearing a pink bowtie).
There was a convenient transition to the angry—no, rabid—villagers outside that had absolutely no point except to "disguise" what Dracula's plan for the monster was.
"My God," exclaimed Victor, greatly overacting, with a level of emotion plastered on his overenthusiastic features that is usually only achieved in really, REALLY bad soap operas.
"Yes, he is the key. The key to my…children." Dracula laughed maniacally. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…hack…cough…choke…" He turned away for a moment and Victor picked up a conveniently located sword. "Stay away! Igor!"
Igor came out from where he had been eavesdropping and immediately was struck by lightning, since he was an annoying little man and didn't need to be in the story anyway.
Dracula shrieked again and jumped backward onto the sword.
Victor shrieked at the sight.
Dracula shrieked at Victor's shrieking.
Victor ran shrieking into the wall and killed himself.
The monster, who had more sense than any of them, tossed the remaining source of noise into the fire and ran, carrying his "father" in his arms.
Dracula, of course, survived the raging inferno that was completely unnecessary to have in a laboratory anyway, and changed into his hellbeast form.
When Dracula and his brides landed, the monster was gone along with half the village, which was good riddance since Dracula had never liked them anyway; they had never shown him the proper fear and respect that the pink bowtie deserved. His head was starting to pound with Aleera's wailing as well.
Okay...update...1 reviewer really liked it, one said it was okay, and one said "weird but interesting" so I'll probably put up at least 1 more chapter...k g2g review please!