Disclaimer: I don’t own Escaflowne or any of the characters, yadda yadda. It’s just fun to write about ‘em.

Escaflowne

Episode 1

F-ed Up Confession

“Where is that girl!” Yukari snapped from her seat on the bench. Stretching her aching legs, she glanced around the race track furtively. “She’s always late. Late for practice, late for lunch, late for her period – oh. Wait. That’s impossible. Okay, never mind!” She sheepishly dropped her eyes to the ground.

Not too far off, cries of “Excuse me!”, “Gang way!”, and “Outta mah way, bi-otch, before I bust ya face!” could be heard as Hitomi Kanzaki hurriedly made her way to the race track for practice.

“Why am I always late?” She gasped while shoving a pint-sized underclassman out of the way and into the path of oncoming traffic. Oblivious to the ensuing screams of pain and screeching of tires, she continued, “I’m late for practice, late for lunch, late for my period – oh. Wait. That’s impossible. Okay, never mind!”

Drawing herself up for her gravity-defying leap, she sprang easily into the air and landed in slow motion onto the pavement. Abruptly, there was a loud snap! and Hitomi fell to the ground, shrieking and clutching her ankle in agony. An ambulance pulled up and, after the paramedics placed her on a stretcher, transported her to the nearest available hospital.

-About an hour later-

Hitomi came hobbling down the steps of her previously failed attempt of a good first impression and slowly made her way over to Yukari, sporting a new spiffy-looking cast.

“I’m sorry I’m-” She began.

“OHMYGODIT’SHIM!” Yukari squealed, causing Hitomi to jump in fright and hurt her leg even more. “Look Hitomi, look! It’s…Michael Jackson! Girlish Scream.” Hitomi gave Yukari a strange look.

“Um…Don’t you mean it’s Amano?” She asked. Yukari went bright red.

“Uh…yeah…him too…cough.” She blushed. “Look! (For real this time!) Amano! He’s about to race!” She pointed at a tall, handsome older boy with long, girly brown hair at the starting line. Hitomi immediately swooned and held up a sign that said “I love you, Amano!” and began shrieking “I love you! Marry me, Amano!” along with several other such lines.

Amano bent over – Hitomi nearly fainted – and readied himself for the signal to start. When it came, he shot from his mark and, with flames on his heels, streaked into first place and easily won the race by a loooong shot. At the end, however, a sickening snap! was heard and Amano, writhing in agony, fell to the ground, clutching his ankle.

- About an hour later-

Amano was now also sporting a new cast, (fluorescent pink, of all the colors) but managed a weak smile at Hitomi.

“Go say hi!” Suggested Yukari, nudging Hitomi in the ribs. Hitomi contemplated this for a moment, then saw the grotesque buckets of sweat covering Amano due to the exertion of the race.

“Uh….maybe later…” She gulped, trying to keep a straight face.

“Oh, come on!” Yukari grinned, “Why don’t you show off your well-toned thighs?” So saying, she seized Hitomi’s cast, ripped it off, and yanked down Hitomi’s pants.

“OH MY GAAAAWWWDDD!” Shrieked the entire school.

“Oops. I got your undies too. Sorry ‘bout that.”

“Yukari!” Hitomi howled in mortification. She quickly pulled up her gym shorts and panties and took her mark at the starting line, ready for her turn to race. Stealing a glance at Amano, she sighed in relief as she saw him absorbed in the act of brushing his hair, and had missed the whole thing.

“On your marks!”

Hitomi bent over, and suddenly Amano was behind her, snapping pictures eagerly of her behind with a large flash-camera. Hitomi squeaked in embarrassment until Yukari came to her rescue and dragged him off the track by his hair.

“I just brushed it!” He sobbed.

Inconspicuously, Hitomi’s pink pendant fell out from her shirt and hung for all to see from her neck. Hey – it’s not like its important or anything, right? Hitomi grasped it and safely tucked it back into her shirt.

The signal to start rang on, and Hitomi sprang from her mark. Pedaling her strong legs as fast as she could, she quickly took the lead.

“Go Hitomi!” Yukari cheered from the sidelines, where Amano was busy re-brushing his hair to its previous perfection.

As Hitomi neared the finish line, a strange flash of light blinded her vision, and suddenly a young man with dark hair and strange armor stood before her.

“Hot DAMN!” Hitomi thought, “Mama sita! What a Hunkasaurus! Gimme them digits, hun, so’s I can phone ya!” Strangely enough, once getting closer to the stranger, she simply passed through him, not into him. “Hmm. That’s strange. Most guys I meet aren’t holographic projections. We can still be friends, right?” She thought as it all became too much for her and she fell to the ground, unconscious.

Strange figures drifted through Hitomi’s mind as she slept. The young hotty she had seen previously stood in front of a gargantuan, grizzled man with scars on his face.

“Okay, prince, be a good lil’ boy and go kill a dragon. Try to be back before supper.” The large man grunted. “Also, try not to be supper, like your loser brother.”

The strapping young man glanced sharply at him. “My brother? Grr….I have no brother! He shames our family’s name! My brother is a disgrace, a miscreant, a –” The scene began to fade out.

“I’m not done yet, dammit!”

Another vision danced into sight, this one of giant robots battling under a blood red sky, surrounded by crumbling towers.

“Holy freaking crap.” Hitomi said in awe. “What the hell am I on?” The ground beneath her feet crumbled, and she fell screaming into blackness. A winged specter suddenly appeared and saved her, however. “What is it? Day of the hotties?” Hitomi muttered under her breath. The scene began to fade… “Just when it was getting good!”

“I’m still not done, dammit!” A lone voice interjected.

Hitomi slowly opened her eyes and looked around. She was in the high school infirmary, tucked in bed, and the – sweet baby Jesus! Amano was sitting right there next to her! What was he doing here? Quick, how did she look? Did her breath smell? Did she have B.O.? Such thoughts ran in her mind as she sat there dumbly staring at him.

“Hey, Hitomi!” Amano said, breaking the awkward silence. “I brought you here after you fainted (probably due to my overwhelming manliness). You’re not bulimic or anorexic, are you? I sure hope not, cause then I would worry and – awww, screw it. Just KISS me!” Amano lunged at Hitomi.

“Wait!” Hitomi yelped, “Don’t you want to see my pendant first?” Amano paused and gave her a sultry look.

“ ‘Pendant’ being a euphemism for…?”

“For my pendant, the one around my neck, you perv. Do you want to see it or not?” Hitomi ground her teeth. Amano gave Hitomi another coy look.

“ ‘See’ being a euphemism for…?”

“Sicko…” Hitomi muttered.

“Hellooooo Cleveland!” Yukari sang as she slammed open the door and found Hitomi and Amano in a very precarious position.

“It’s not what you think!” Hitomi began.

“It’s exactly what you think!” Amano finished.

Yukari stared at them for several more moments before grabbing Hitomi and dragging her the hell out of there.

“Call me!” Amano yelled after them, winking.

-Later-

“What the hell was that?” Yukari asked, looking inquisitively at Hitomi, who immediately went bright red.

“That was nothing! Nothing happened! I just asked him if he wanted to see my pendant and - ”

“ ‘Pendant’ being a euphemism for…?” Yukari interrupted.

“Geez.” Hitomi rubbed her aching head. “You’re just as perverted as he is. You two would make a great couple.”

“I can forget about what I saw…” Yukari said slyly, “For…say…fifty bucks…”

“FIFTY BUCKS! Are you crazy! I thought you were my friend!” Hitomi screamed.

“Naw…I’m just kidding.” Yukari smiled. “I’ll just take your cheesecake.”

“MY CHEESECAKE!” Hitomi howled, even more appalled than before. “Are you insane! You know how much I love cheesecake – more than Amano, I’ll tell you that much – do you know how much you’re asking for! Why are you - ”

“Y’know, Hitomi,” Yukari said out of the blue, “You should tell Amano how you feel about him.”

“I…do…happen…cheesecake…WHAT!” Hitomi mumbled in confusion over the sudden change of subject. “I can’t do that! Why would I want to do that?” Yukari gave her a serious look.

“Because Amano’s leaving.” Hitomi gasped. “Overseas.” Hitomi gurgled. “Tomorrow.” Hitomi clutched her chest. “You’ll probably never see him again.” Hitomi was frantically pounding at her chest, trying to make her heart function again. “EVER.” Hitomi fell to the ground in spasms before slipping into a coma. “Hitomi?”

-At Hitomi’s house-

“Well,” Sighed Hitomi, “I might as well do a reading on Amano and I…” She took out her cool Tarot Cards and began. “Hm…Ace of Serpents…Tower card…la la la…okay! It looks like what Yukari said about Amano is true! He really is leaving! Well…poop. What do I do now?” She thought back to her and Yukari’s previous conversation. “I guess I should go tell him how I feel…or something…”

-At the school race track-

“Amanooo!” Hitomi called, running fast to catch up with her crush. “Don’t leave yet! I need to ask you something!” Amano turned and waited for Hitomi to catch up.

“What is it?” He asked. “Are you going to let me look at your…’pendant’?”

“NO.” Hitomi growled, out of breath. I want to ask you something before you leave.” She held out her pendant – the one around her neck, get your mind outta the gutter – “If I can break my record of 13 seconds for the 100 meter dash, can you please-”

“Sleep with you?” Amano suggested.

“No!” Hitomi said, horrified. “I want-”

“You want to make out with me? Do a strip-tease? French kiss a little? C’mon, what am I looking at, here?”

“A KISS! A little, tiny, no-more-than-a-second (or maybe two) kiss! That’s all! Okay! Geez!” Hitomi hollered. Amano contemplated this.

“Wellll….why not?” he agreed. Instantly the track lights snapped on, illuminating the darkness.

“My eyes!” Hitomi screamed.

“My hair!” Amano shrieked.

“Sorry.” Yukari blushed sheepishly, stepping away from the light switches. “Good luck, Hitomi! Look!” She held up a bag. “I coincidently brought your gym bag full of everything you’ll need in the event of an abduction to a faraway land! You probably won’t even be needing it, right?”

“Mnnk joo!” Hitomi mumbled, pulling her track shirt on over her head. Now properly dressed for the occasion, she found her mark at the start and bent over. Yukari snatched Amano’s camera away and restrained him before he could act. Amano swung the pendant.

“Go!” He cried, pulling free of Yukari’s grasp and giving her a withering glare.

Hitomi took off like a rocket and set her sights on the finish line in the distance. Closing in quickly, she squealed mentally in delight at the happy thought of getting her first kiss from Amano.

That is, until that all-too-familiar flash of light came back, with a vengeance. Once again, the attractive young lad stood there, decked in his strange armor.

“Noo!” Hitomi thought hysterically. “Not now! I know you’re hot and all but this is my first kiss! From Amano! Can’t this wait? Oh, yeah. Wait. He’s just a holographic projection, a figment of my imagination, a – okay, enough. I can just run right through him! Yipee!”

THUD!

Hitomi slammed into the boy, flew back a hundred thousand feet, and landed considerably hard on her fanny.

“Owwwiiiieeeeee! I think I broke my ASS!” She cried, rubbing her sore rear.

“Nooo!” Amano wailed in dismay before Yukari smacked him upside the head. Hitomi looked up at the (attractive) stranger.

“I thought you were just a fantasy - ”

“Say what!” Amano hotly intervened. “You two have just met and you’re already having fantasies of him? What’s the deal? Where do I fit it – unless you’re cool with me being in there too…”

“There seems to be no intelligent life on this planet…” The stranger grumbled.

“Umm…who are you?” Hitomi asked.

“I am Van of Fanelia...” He said, then cocked his eye at her. “And you’d better clear out of here. There’s a dragon coming.” He paused, as if waiting for a confirmation.

Only crickets chirping could be heard. Van cleared his throat and said, a little louder, “I said, there’s a dragon coming.”

Silence was his only answer. Hitomi and Yukari exchanged confused glances. Amano coughed nervously. Van growled and turned.

“HEY! DRAGON! Get your scaly ass over here!” He hollered. A deep bellow of rage and earth-shattering thuds immediately issued from a forest that had seemingly, and strangely, sprung up from nowhere. A huge brown dragon lumbered from the trees, still snarling in anger. Reptilian eyes blinking, it fastened its gaze on Van and roared once again.

“That got its attention.” Van smiled in satisfaction. He glanced back at the others. “Now, don’t worry. You just have to make sure to remain calm, not scream, and not make any sudden movements so as not to upset it more - ”

“RUNNNN! DRAGON! RUUUUUNNNN!” Screamed Hitomi, Yukari, and Amano, wind-milling their arms about and running in circles in their panic. The dragon immediately roared and slammed its powerful tail into Van’s gut, doubling him over.

“Thanks bunches, guys.” He gasped, then felt his stomach heave. After regurgitating his meal, he managed to recover.

“Hmm…I don’t remember eating that for breakfast. Argghh…” Grumbled Van, pulling a crossbow from somewhere on his person. “I’m glad we see eye to eye.” He said cheesily as he accurately shot out one of the dragon’s eyes. The dragon screamed in pain, then countered with belching fire onto the vulnerable warrior. Van, however, was safe and sound behind his nifty-looking shield.

Meanwhile, Hitomi, Yukari, and Amano were trying to make a quick getaway. Well, it would have been quick, except for Yukari…

“Oh! My ankle!” Yukari went down in a heap.

“C’mon, get up! You can make it!” Hitomi urged. Yukari complied.

“Oh! My other ankle!” Yukari collapsed again.

“Yukari! You can do this!” Amano cheered. “Let’s go before the dragon gets us!” Yukari stood up.

“Oh! Both my ankles!” And down again.

“For goodness sake! Get on!” Amano scooched down to allow Yukari to clamber onto his back. “Why does this always happen during a dramatic scene!”

The three quickly ran for the nearby temple and headed up the stairs.

“We’ll be safe up here!” Amano comforted. “There’s no way that dragon can climb up these stairs!” Hitomi rolled her eyes.

Back with Van and the dragon, things weren’t going so well. Having lost interest in Van, the dragon swept its eyes…er…eye in the direction of the three escapees and started after them, growling in hunger. Van intervened.

“Not so fast, big boy!” He snapped out a cool-looking hook thing from his arm and succeeded in catching onto the dragon’s scaly back as it took off. Pulling a cowboy hat from somewhere, he began to ride it like a rodeo bull. “Yeehaw! Ride ‘em, cowboy!” Rodeo clowns leapt up from their chairs at a table and tried to distract the dragon by running around, shouting and waving their arms, but to no avail. The dragon, after snatching up one hapless clown, charged past without a second glance. Coming to the ‘stairs’ previously appraised by Amano, it contemplated them while munching on the clown. Sucking him up, it shot an ‘are-you-freaking-kidding-me?’ look at the world, then leapt into the air and used the gate poles as a quick and easy means of transportation.

“You’re an idiot.” Hitomi stated as she watched the approaching dragon heave itself up after them.

“I was sure it would work!” Whined Amano.

“Enough of this!” Van cried from atop the dragon. He leapt off and readied his sword before the dragon. “Come on! Let’s finish this!” The dragon growled in agreement.

Hitomi shook her head as a sudden image popped into her head. The dragon could use its tail…to kill that guy…oh, no! She had to help him! She mustn’t let that vision come true! Running forward, unheedingly past Yukari and Amano, she cried, “Watch out for the TAIL!”

“Huh?” Van turned to see what the weird girl was talking about. Luckily enough for him, that move saved his life. The dragon narrowly missed him with its deadly sweep of its tail and simply ripped off Van’s armor. Van stood still for several seconds.

“I could have sworn I had on some armor a few seconds ago.” He stated. He then rounded on the dragon in anger. “That was my best Fanelian armor! Do you know who much that costs! And the interest rates! Prepare to die!” So saying, he leapt up and over the tail of the dragon and sliced it a new ass as well as a new stomach, chest cavity, and throat.

“Yay! He killed the dragon!” Hitomi cheered. “I could hug him!” But upon seeing the grotesque buckets of green dragon’s blood covering him, she hesitated. “Um…maybe later.”

Van was paying no attention. He expertly slashed open the dragon and pulled out…

“Yes! My very own Drag – Energist! Worship me!” He crowed, holding his prize aloft. Hitomi’s face was a mask of horror.

“That’s its heart, you idiot.” She gagged.

“What?” Van looked and saw that it was, indeed, the still-beating heart of the dragon, which was pumping blood down his forearm. “Oh.” He rummaged around in the carcass for several minutes before locating the elusive pink crystal ball. “Hah! Feast your eyes on this baby!” He gloated. Then he turned to Hitomi. “Hey, I want to thank you for…wait…oh, yeah. I’m supposed to be a jerk to you so the audience won’t have any idea about our relationship further in the series.”

“Okay!” Hitomi agreed. Van cleared his throat.

“I didn’t need your help to kill that dragon! I could have done it by myself!” He said arrogantly.

“You jerk!” Hitomi retorted, “You so could not! No way would I fall for you! Not for…say…another 23 more episodes!

Once again, that famous beam o’ light suddenly surrounded Hitomi and Van. “Beam me up, Scotty!” Van called, ready to return to the mother ship. They both began to float upwards, into the sky.

“Help! Get me down!” Hitomi shrieked as she rose.

“I’ll get you down!” Amano dumped Yukari off his back (Thud “Ow!”) and ran for Hitomi. However, she was already too far up and the only thing he accomplished was getting a great view of her from his vantage point (“Yow-za!”) and giving Hitomi back her pendant.

“Gee, thanks Amano,” Hitomi said sweetly, “But can’t you…you know…what do you call it…possibly…maybe…GET ME THE HELL DOWN!”

“Don’t worry, Hitomi!” Yukari called from the ground. “You’ve got your gym bag, which is chock – full of everything you’ll need in this type of emergency! You’ll be fine!”

“Easy for you to say!” Hitomi yelled back down.

“What!”

“I said, easy for you – ”

THUD!

“OOFF!” Hitomi grunted, then gingerly rubbed her stinging rear. “Y’know, nothing really tops the day off like breaking you ass twice after fainting, having hallucinations, not getting kissed by your crush, and getting chased by a dragon.”

“Are you done whining yet?” Van asked arrogantly, attracting her attention.

“If his face weren’t so pretty I’d smack it…” She thought angrily. Then, suddenly, she realized what was happening. She was all alone. With a guy. In the middle of no where. And nowhere was in the middle of a meadow with two freaky-ass moons in the sky and darkness all around and nowhere to run to.

“OhhailMaryfullofgracehesgoingtoRAPEME!” Hitomi shrieked and began going into hysterics. Van gave her a strange look.

“Are you okay? You’re all white and twitchy.” He asked.

“I’m fine! Just don’t touch me! And…where the HELL is that freaky music coming from!” Hitomi sat up and looked around frantically. The music sounded like Gregorian Monks and was coming out of thin air.

“Eeeeesssscccaaaaafflllooooonnneeee…..Eeeessscccaaaaffflooowwwwnne…” They sang.

“Uh, yeah. They do that a lot. You get used to them after awhile.” Van explained.

“I SWEAR, if one more freaky thing happens I’m gonna - ” Hitomi was cut short by the snarling of animals in the shadows. Everywhere around the two were eyes staring at them. “That is IT. I am calling my agent, I am talking to the director, I am going to sue his ass and see him in court, and then I am going to…”

-Episode 1 End-

Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Escaflowne, the show or the Guymelef.